Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha.

Chapter 28: Living Regrets

All night long Makoto tossed in his sleep. Flashes of fangs and blood, female screams haunted him in his dreams. He felt the pure rage, smelt the scent of blood. Blood everywhere; on the ground, the trees, his claws and clothes and face… Akina's blood. The blood of the she-wolf he once thought he loved, that he thought had once loved him. His mind was shouting at him to kill her, make her howl in pain and suffer. Why did he want something so sinister to happen to someone who had been a childhood friend? Then another picture had popped into his dreams, a more pleasant picture. It was a rainy day as he leaped through the meadow, carrying a giggling hanyou girl in his arms. It was sitting alone with the same girl, her head on his shoulder and the feeling like he could stay there forever.

He knew now; what was his had been threatened. That's why he was seeking blood. That's why he wanted it so bad; he could taste the metallic tinge on his tongue. It became an almost primal need. The flashes continued; one to another. From the horror stricken look on Akina's face, to Kita's warm smile; from blood and anger, to the smell of flowers; from pure hate to anything but.

A sudden gasp and the sound of his name being called finally stirred Makoto from his restless slumber. As he sat up into a sitting position, Kita swung around behind him and peaked above his shoulder. He was about to ask her what was wrong, but something else caught his attention. Kouga was standing a few feet away, being held back by both arms by Kigai and Ayame. InuYasha was standing between him and the red-faced youkai with Tetsusaiga drawn.

"Go home, Kouga! I WILL fight you if I have to." InuYasha stated as the wolf continued to struggle free of his son's and mate's grasp on him.

"Kouga, he didn't mean to, please, don't do this!" Kagome was crying with the pups tucked in her arms. Miroku, Sango, Shippou, and Cho joined InuYasha in his stand-off. Kirara transformed and stood in front of Kagome and the girls.

"Out of my way, Mutt! This is between me and that filthy HALF-BREED!"

Makoto gulped and turned his head to whisper to Kita. "Go stand with Okaa-san." The wolf-hanyou reluctantly shook her head and moved her arms around his waist without a word spoken.

"Kouga, please, you know she betrayed us all; she was my daughter, too!" Ayame called out as he managed to free one of his arms.

Kouga pointed at Makoto with his free hand, red eyed and a tear-stained face. "HE KILLED HER! HE. KILLED. HER!"

There was instant silence in the whole camp. Every eye was on Makoto as he registered the information and shook his head in horror. I killed her. I…killed her? Akina…no…I couldn't have..I… "No…no… I didn't..."

"It WAS you! You still reek of her DEATH! I'll kill you! I'll tear you apart piece by piece just like you did HER!" His voice dropped an octave, making his next statement send shivers down Makoto's neck and back. "I trusted you; I trusted you and you killed her. Now you're trying to deny it…"

"Kouga, Akina wasn't ours anymore. She left us." Ayame called, snuggling into his chest and wrapping her arms around him. "She betrayed Makoto; he had no intentions on killing her, I know he didn't… but Akina pushed him too far…" she choked out between sobs. "Think about it Kouga, you know it's true!"

Kita's grip around Makoto tightened as Kouga fell to his knees, bracing himself on his hands. His eyes were squeezed tight shut, taking long, ragged breaths. "I…I can't…" he whispered. Ayame forced him back to his feet.

"Let's go home." She turned and nodded to Kigia, giving Kagome and the others an apologetic glace before leaving them for the den. Makoto let out a deep sigh as he watched the two disappear into the forest.

Kigai slowly approached Makoto with his head bowed. "I'm sorry about my father… and I'm sorry about Akina. She had no right…" he took a deep breath, running his hand over his hair to smooth it back. "Anyway, you spared her life once when she betrayed you; I would not have expected nor asked you to spare her a second time. What she did… it wasn't forgivable. But I want you to know, for all it's worth, I know you never would have … if you weren't…" he let it drop. "Just don't hold her actions against us. We've sworn to be allies for years, and I'd like to keep it that way if I can."

"I-." Makoto's voice cracked. What could he say? Were there even words yet for what was going through his head? "I- I need to go." He shrugged himself from Kita's grasp. She followed him as he began to walk away, only he turned back to her. "Alone. I gotta go alone, for awhile. Go with the others to the castle." With that he took off without a glance back.

Makoto didn't know how long he had run. Nor did he care. He just ran as fast and as hard as he could. Branches scraped against him, tugging at his haori. He kept running. He felt his lungs tighten, breathing being constricted, he didn't stop. He just knew his feet were bleeding, being slashed to bits from his carelessness. He kept going. As long as he was going, as long as he didn't stop, he wouldn't have to think. He wouldn't have to force himself to remember. When the sun came up, shedding light across the forest and through the trees, he finally slowed down. His running became a slow jog, his jog into a trot, his trot into a walk, finally tripping and rolling onto his back.

Makoto, breathing heavily, arms spread out to his sides, stared up into the canopy. The leaves were just starting to change into their autumn colors. A swirl of greens, yellows, oranges; all blowing in the breeze over his head. Finally catching his breath, he sat up into a sitting position and looked down at his hands and claws. Had he really used those to kill Akina? His first love? His best friend's sister? He closed his eyes, momentarily flashing back to his dream, where those same claws were covering in blood with Akina begging for her life to be spared. But that wasn't really a dream, was it? It was a memory. HIS memory. One that he would not soon forget again.

He didn't want to think about it. Not now. Not ever. He just wanted to run. Run from everything. Run from Kouga's accusing eyes, from Kiaga and Ayame's sadness, from Kita and his family's worried glances… Makoto pulled himself back to his feet, but as soon as he started to run, he was jerked back to the ground.

"What the…?" he growled at his clumsiness, brushing off the dirt on his kimono and started to dash off again. This time he made it a couple of feet before he came crashing down again.

"What is going on here?!" he yelled to the empty forest. A couple of birds in a tree overhead took to the sky squawking. A rabbit hiding in a bush leaped out and away. Looking at the bare dirt below him, he couldn't figure what he could have tripped over. "Fine." He said to himself. He stood intent on taking a cautious step forward. Then, as his foot was half-way down, a pulse from his side… "Huh?" Touken… He slammed into the ground again. This time he wasn't so quick to get back up. He groaned before pushing his hands against the earth to lift himself. What exactly was going on?

When Makoto had seated himself, he unhooked the sword at his side and carefully inspected it. It seemed pretty normal, if you call a sword made of color-changing metal normal. He placed the scabbard to his side and raised the blade in front of him. Touken… if only you could have kept me from transforming then… He sighed and lowered the sword again. "Then I wouldn't be in this mess." Shippou said the old man had a warning, too. This thing is suppose to allow my 'true nature' to show? What is my true nature, anyway? If I'm capable of something like..like…that… then what am I? I'm a monster, that's what. Nothing but a bloodthirsty monster that can snap at anytime. The sword pulsed in his hands, a shimmer of black trailing along the length of the blade.

"What do you want?" he asked the sword with an annoyed tone. "I ain't moving anywhere; you saw to that, so what did you stop me for?" Makoto shifted uncomfortably as the sword let out a long pulse of energy and shown black once more. What do you want from me? He reached a hand up and touched the blade as it pulsed. A crackling energy swept through him. He gritted his teeth, trying to pull his hand away but the sword's energy held on. It wasn't a painful shock, but it wasn't exactly comforting either. Makoto fought against everything the sword threw at him, his energy draining fast with every second he touched the blade. His eyelids started getting heavy, his head felt fuzzy. His eyes caught a glimpse of the blade and he stopped fighting it. The blade was completely blackened. Makoto was in a trance. Everything but the blade slowly disappeared. It disappeared leaving nothing but him and the blade, he was falling into the darkness…

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Makoto shook his head and sat up with a groan. Why did he feel like a squashed spider-youkai? Every part of him tingled. He stretched enough to crack his back and his neck, taking time to pull his haori on and slid open the door to his room. There was no sign of Kagome or InuYasha. He must have slept in late for those two to already be outside. Sure enough, when he opened the door to the main room, Kagome was sitting by the pond with the pups toddling around her while InuYasha dove under the water after a fish. Kagome smiled at him as he walked up, and the pups grabbed at his kimono, calling "Ah-nee!"

He patted both of them on the head and ruffled their hair. There was a cute giggling sounding from behind him, turning around he saw Kita just before she jumped into his arms. He swung her around until they both fell backwards into the grass laughing. He leaned back looking up into the sky. Kirara flew overhead, landing a few yards from them. Miroku hopped off her back and held out his hand to help Sango down as well. Mai, Cho, Hana, and Yumi ran past them. They ran straight to the line of fruit trees, holding up the hem of their kimonos, picking ripe fruits and placing them on the cloth like a basket.

Shippou and Tani came walking up from the path hand in hand. Kagome rushed over to greet them, pulling Shippou down to give him a quick hug then doing the same with Tani. Mehiji and Gina were kneeling at the water's edge, peering down at their own refection only to jump back in surprise as InuYasha popped up from the water with a fresh fish in hand. Gina giggled while Mehiji made a leap for the fish, only to find himself in the water. InuYasha shook his head and grabbed the pup by the collar of his kimono and dropped him back on dry land. Makoto laughed as Mehiji tried to shake himself dry, losing his balance and falling into Gina who slipped into the water herself. She had her arms crossed, as InuYasha pulled her out, and was glaring daggers at her brother as droplets of water fell from her ears and hair.

A clap of thunder and a glimpse of lightning in the sky caught Makoto attention. He looked into the sky. What was just a clear summer's day just turned dark and cold. An icy wind blew as dark clouds quickly blocked the sun and made everything much darker. Makoto heard a scream, and dropped his gaze from the sky back to his family and friends. He was in shock of what he saw. Youkai, lined up by the thousands. All kinds of youkai heading straight for them.

Makoto looked around to find InuYasha. He was leaning heavily on Tetsusaiga, using one arm to hold himself up and the other to hold Kagome behind him. Gina and Mehiji were just feet away from a hungry looking youkai. He was about to try and help, but as he looked down at his claws, he found himself to be human. Makoto knew he was useless as a human. There was no way he could get to the pups and save them in time. He looked around for someone to yell to, someone who could help the pups. His eyes fell upon Kita, lying sprawled out on the ground, blood pouring from a wound on her right temple. Makoto tried to get to her, but was thrown several feet away by a youkai. He tried to fight back, but he had no fangs or claws to fight back with.

Not far from Kita was Tani. She was hunched over, gripping her stomach. Shippou flashed across the ground, using his foxfire to block the pups from several youkai at once but fell to the ground with a huge, gaping hole in his back. All Makoto could do was watch as each of his family and friends fell victim to the youkai.

Makoto let all his anger, sadness, and fury gather deep within himself. Before he even knew what was happening, he began to change. His claws and fangs grew longer, deadlier, able to shred through flesh without a second's hesitation. His eyes went crimson, and he growled, the sound reverberating through the air. He was youkai now. His deadliest state of blood-rage. Without waiting another second he let go of the things that were holding him back and grabbed the nearest youkai by the neck and sliced a hole through it's side with one swoop of his claws.

But when he looked down, it wasn't a youkai. It was Kagome. His mother. Her face was horror stricken as she looked down to the fatal wound on her side then into the eyes of her own son. Makoto was confused. He looked around. All the youkai had gone, even the bodies of those that were dead. The sun was back out, warm against his skin. It was almost ironic, the birds chirping and the sun shinning while everyone dear to him now lay at his feet. Dead. The water in the pond was now crimson, fish floating to the top. He dropped Kagome's limp form to the ground.

He didn't… it wasn't her! It was a youkai…then his okaa-san… Nothing made any since. He reached out for Kita's body. She had been bleeding from the head. Deep claws marked the side of her face. Makoto lay his hand down on her, his claws matching exact to the wounds that killed her. It was the same with all the others. He had killed him. He killed them all. Makoto felt sick. He rushed over to the pond to splash water on his face, but his own reflection stopped him. Human and youkai. The human so weak and frail. The youkai clouded over by blood. Both were him. They were one. They were Makoto, and he was they. A third form appeared. His hanyou form. The other two reflections turned to look at the hanyou reflection. Then they both spoke. "Decide." It was in his own voice, but duel-toned.

The reflections disappeared and all that was left was the crimson stained water. The water grew darker with each passing moment until it was completely black. The water kept rising, engulfing Makoto and dragging him into the darkness…

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Makoto gasped as he dropped the sword with his shaking hands. He looked to see the last bit of darkness fading from the blade, being replaced by the color-changing metal once more. Makoto let out a deep sigh and put the sword back in its scabbard and hooked it around his waist before slumping back into the dirt. The images of everything were still so fresh in his mind. It was so real. Everything was so real. It took him awhile to get though his head that none of that had really happened, that his sword had put him into a trance of some kind. The question that bugged him was 'why?'

Touken. Why show me all that? Why NOW? I know how weak I am as human, and I know how reckless I am as youkai. What are you trying to show me? That I'm going to have to decide between them? Makoto thought. If he did have to choose between them, which would he choose? As human, he wouldn't be any help at all. He was useless to everyone as a human. But as youkai, he was strong, but he couldn't control himself. He didn't even know what he was doing in that form. Killing at will,… just like he did to Akina…

"Alright, you." He spoke down to the sword. "Either start giving me clear answers or just keep your stupid images to yourself."

A/N:

I kind of liked writing this chapter. It's a bit shorter than the others, but I think I got my point across. Is can be a bit confusing, so if you have any questions just go to the Q&A section of the forum. Thanks for hanging in there with me guys!!