Driving

I trudged to the Mercedes and started driving toward Forks, though I didn't really want to go home. My mind was racing. I was driving so deep in thought that I wasn't really thinking about where I was going, which gave me a strange sense of déjà vu, reminding me of the previous night. Thankfully, I didn't know where Mike Newton lived. Ha! Despite my overwhelmingly bad state of mind, I had to halfheartedly smile at my lame joke.

I desperately needed to sort my feelings out for myself, before I was questioned by anyone else. I knew I didn't have much time. Charlie, Edward- I had a lot of explaining to do. I wasn't sure if Edward would have joined his family hunting this weekend after what had happened last night. So that meant I could have a couple of days if he left, and if he hadn't……a couple of hours, if that. My mind switched into high gear.

How could I do this to Edward? Temporary insanity brought on by hormonal imbalances as a result of severe sexual frustration seemed to be my only defense. Somehow, I didn't think that it was enough to acquit me in a court of love. I didn't want it to. I thought back to when Edward said that he trusted me, kissed my ring, told me things were different. Yeah, they were different, all right. Instead of me kissing Jacob in what I perceived was a desperate attempt to keep him alive, I went and….did… what I did….completely of my own volition.

But….I thought about our fight. I don't remember ever being so mad at Edward, not even when I didn't know his story; thought that he hated me. At least back then he hadn't lied to me. So….maybe that was my defense. I was pissed at being lied to, deceived, especially over something so important, something I had gotten married at eighteen for. And I was…exacting revenge?

This is ridiculous, I thought to myself. There was an elephant in the room. Well, not an elephant- a werewolf. I had been speaking as though my actions were entirely independent of Jacob; that I slipped because there was something inherently wrong between Edward and me. Yeah, like he's a vampire, and you're a human…that can get in the way of things. It certainly kept us from being as close as I wanted us to be. But just maybe, could I have cheated because I actually wanted to? Because my love for Jacob wasn't going to fade away in an instant when I stood in a white dress and said some words in front of a priest? But Bella, those weren't just any words, they were vows…I corrected myself.

It was starting to get darker outside; I could see some storm clouds rolling in. I allowed myself for a moment to think of the words that Jacob said to me this morning. What you would be missing out on if you gave me up, if you gave up your humanity… what I would like to do with you every day for the rest of my life…and yours. They made me remember, once again, the vision that I had of the two of us together, when we had really kissed that first time. La Push. Sam and the rest of the pack. Billy. Charlie. And…children…..

I had never even thought of having kids before, but if all I had to do to kick it off is what Jacob and I did last night…..well, than I was pretty sure I could handle that. I thought again to Jake's beautiful russet skin; I saw so much of it last night. His beautiful white teeth when he smiled; I saw a lot of that, too. And his hands. And his….agility; he used to be as clumsy as I am. Not anymore. Get your mind out of the gutter, Bella! I forced myself to get back to the issue at hand.

Well, actually, maybe my raging hormones were onto something. I thought about biology for a moment; I had managed to absorb some of the subject despite sitting next to Edward in class junior year. I mean, if sex didn't feel so amazing than people wouldn't reproduce; propagate the species. Maybe this was my body, and my subconscious, desperately trying to tell me that it might want a child someday, pass down my genes, give something amazing back to the world. Someday; not now, but someday. I knew now that with Edward I would have no possibility of that. Not if I became a vampire; not if I stayed human. Ever. I thought about Rosalie; how much she wanted to be human, have a child. She warned me about the life that I wanted to commit to. I thought about her sad eyes, felt more empathy for her more than I ever had before.

I thought about my impending transformation- it was supposed to be next Sunday- just a week and two days away. Last night threw a pretty big wrench into things- or did it? Maybe it didn't have to. Maybe this, as opposed to my actual marriage, was supposed to be my last hurrah; my wild "bachelorette party" before the "big day". For me, being transformed had been my ultimate goal anyway; marriage was just the stipulation. I could explain to Edward that last night I just needed to sow some wild oats, or whatever that expression was. He was always so understanding. I would just tell him that I had made my impulsive and crazy decision, but that I was done with it and was now ready to move on and be with him forever.

Rain started to fall, big drops spattering the windshield. I glanced outside. The storm clouds were quickly blackening the sky; it was starting to look like twilight. Ominous. I glanced at my watch- 10:21 a.m. I flipped on the wipers. The rain was really starting to come down. I took my foot off the accelerator; slowed to a crawl.

But was I ready to move on? Was I really ready? …what you would be missing out on if you gave me up, if you gave up your humanity…. Well, what would I be missing? Well, kids, that was established. What else? Uh, the activity that would lead to having the kids, obviously…. at least for a while. Maybe forever, who knew? I might not ever recover from newborn urges, might not ever be able to experience with Edward what Jake and I experienced last night. My mind drifted back….again….to Jacob and our previous night together. Amazing. And not just physically (although definitely physically!). He made me feel so….desired, so wanted. His heart was wide open- he wasn't afraid to show or tell me exactly how he felt. And with him I felt so…..warm. Safe. Comfortable. Of course, that's what I would be missing out on most if I gave him up- possibly more than Jacob himself. It was the way he made me feel when I was with him.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! A car horn honked loudly behind me. I looked up; I was parked at what I thought was a red light just on the outskirts of Forks. The light had apparently changed quite a few seconds ago, but I hadn't bothered to accelerate. Damn, I really had to start paying better attention when I drove; I was going to kill somebody. I glanced quickly through the rearview mirror at the car tailgating me. It was hard to discern in the pouring rain, but it looked silver. Shit.

Although it could have been attributed entirely to the weather, at that moment, I felt a chill rush through my entire body. It nearly took my breath away. Unconsciously, I reached for the heat; turned it on full blast as I accelerated straight through the traffic light. It took a moment, but the irony of my actions was not lost on me.

But just as quickly, the car behind me started to turn right. Upon slightly closer inspection, I saw that the car was gray, not silver. Definitely not Edward's Volvo. It completed its right turn and sped off into the distance. Of course. Edward would not have waited until I reached Forks before starting to follow me- he would have caught me right at the Quileute boundary line. Besides, I thought, chuckling slightly, Edward would never have honked. He thinks it's rude. At that moment I felt nothing but relieved that I would have at least a little more time to figure out what I wanted to say to him. I had thought a lot; decided nothing. I pulled into the driveway at Charlie's place, and dashed through the driving rain, running for cover.