Intruder, Again
I awoke to a familiar sound- a high-pitched squeal scraping against my bedroom window. I had not been asleep long- I had spent the evening sorting through my CD's "for Dartmouth" and ended up listening to song after song, just thinking. Because I was in the very early stages of sleep, not dreaming yet, it didn't take me long to orient myself to my surroundings. I'm in my own bed in Charlie's house. It also didn't take me long to figure out the cause of the commotion outside my window. Tree branches. I looked outside. Jacob.
To let him in or not to let him in? Well, I rationalized, he made the trip out here; he obviously had something important he wanted to say. I figured I might as well let him say it. I got up and strode across the room to the window, pushed it open.
Jacob was hanging on the branches, just like last time he sneaked up to see me in the middle of the night. I smiled at the memory. He watched me open the window; took it as a sign that he could proceed. He once again pumped his legs, swung several times to build his momentum, and released as he expertly catapulted himself into my bedroom, landing gracefully on his feet.
"Jacob, what are you doing here? What do you want? I-"
He strode the two steps that were between us and silenced me by cupping my face in his hands and drawing it towards his in a passionate kiss. His hands moved swiftly from my face to the back of my head, tugging on my hair, and then to my waist and the small of my back, pulling me close. His warm soft lips and tongue explored mine, before moving to a spot on my neck, right beneath my ear. He started nibbling, and I shivered and let out a completely involuntary moan. He liked that; went to the other side.
I didn't even try to resist. It was all a slippery slope. In my mind, the damage had already been done, the trust already dashed, the vows already broken- so what did it matter now? I forced the image of what I was doing to Edward, and what kind of monster that must make me, out of my head. Truthfully, it was easier than I thought it would be- the way that Jacob was kissing me, I was having trouble focusing on anything else at all.
Jacob moved his mouth to my lips and kissed me softly once more before pulling away. He leaned over and shifted his hands so that one was at my back, the other on the back of my thigh, and scooped me up into his arms. He carried me across the room until he was standing over my bed, tenderly lowered me until I was lying down on it, and gently positioned himself on top of me, resting his weight on his side so as not to crush me. He stared at me with completely unabated desire.
"Bella, I want you." he said quietly, passion oozing from his voice. "And since you left this morning, I have not been able to stop thinking about you. It's been driving me crazy. Kind of like this." He started gently nibbling that spot on my neck again. I gasped. He smiled, and continued. "And so now I want to drive you crazy. I think it's only fair. I want to tease you, feel your muscles tense, make your skin flush. I want to do everything I possibly can to make you cry out with pleasure. I want to see your cheeks blush, your eyes sparkle, your body tremble. Honey, I want to make you come, hard, over and over again." Wow, a little dirty talk. Now that was something that Edward would never say to me. It was an unimaginable turn-on. Jacob softened his tone, continued. "And, Bella, when it's over, I want to hold you close, and kiss your face and lips, and run my fingers through your hair. I want to fall asleep and wake up naked next to you and spoon you like I did this morning. I want to hug you and wrap my arms around you and make you feel warm and safe, tell you I love you. I want to make you as happy as you've made me." He paused. "That's what I want. That's what I'm doing here. Does that sound like a plan to you?" He gave me a wicked grin, but I could see his underlying vulnerability. He couldn't hide it; he was just so….expressive.
I nodded my head slowly. I didn't trust my voice. Jacob was developing this crazy habit of telling me so much more than what I had asked him to. It was enough to kill me. Or at least change me. Passion burned behind my eyes. We kissed, and I let him do what he wanted. It was what I wanted, too.
When I woke up the next morning, there were a few differences, perceptible shifts, than when I woke up with Jacob a mere twenty-four hours earlier. For starters, I wasn't as worried that we would get busted; there was no crazed panic over being caught. We had time. Edward was out of town for the next two days. Charlie had left to go fishing early this morning; Jacob, with his perceptive wolf senses, had heard him getting ready downstairs while I slept blissfully in the bed. Thankfully, Charlie didn't feel the need to open my bedroom door to say goodbye to me at 6 a.m. and was content with leaving a note. Usually his fishing trips took a while, and Jacob would hear him coming long before he would be a threat to catch us. Jacob had run over, so there was no vehicle for anyone to notice. And Jake's hearing had helped us out even in the throes of passion; he knew exactly what Charlie was doing, and would take appropriate action to adjust my volume accordingly. Billy was probably the one most likely to find out, because he would know if Jacob wasn't with the pack, but even so he would probably respond to Jacob with a shoulder punch and an "Attaboy," as opposed to a genuine punishment.
I also didn't feel the same sense of impending doom; the same guilt and culpability and shame. Oh, those feelings were there, of course- but I had desensitized myself to them somewhat. It was like walking into a room with a smell strong enough to knock you over- and then not noticing it after a while. My mind's way of coping with that continuous level of stress- just flip the 'off' switch. I felt like my trust with Edward had already been shattered; now I was just stomping on the broken pieces. I simply accepted these feelings as a part of what I had done, and for some reason once I did that, I didn't worry about them as much.
But by far the biggest difference that I felt was in my motivation to be with Jacob.
Two nights ago, it took a perfect storm of emotions to lead to my infidelity. I was emotionally charged and distraught after my fight with Edward; adrenaline was already coursing through my body. I was extremely….frustrated. And curious, for that matter. Plus, the two glasses of champagne I had consumed had made me a bit less….inhibited, self-conscious. Liquid courage. Though I took full responsibility for kissing Jacob, and am thinking that things would have happened regardless, I'm not sure that without the champagne that I would have had the guts to make the first move.
Last night was different. The frustration was obviously absent. The curiosity was there, but in this case it was not a bad thing. Astoundingly enough, I still didn't feel inhibited or self-conscious. But in this case it wasn't due to anything psychoactive- it was just Jacob himself. That was where I think my comfort level with Jacob actually made things more exciting- I wasn't afraid of anything, because I knew that regardless of what I did, that Jacob would still love me, be there for me, want me. Maybe I should have known it all along, but it took his response yesterday to really prove it to me. I thought of his little speech. What I would like to do with you every day for the rest of my life. And yours. It gave me an absolute rush of power, invincibility. That feeling was a lot stronger than two glasses of champagne.
I looked over at Jacob now. He had woken up several times throughout the morning, making sure that Charlie had left and wouldn't bust us, so his sleep was pretty interrupted, and he was now taking a snooze. I looked at his exposed stomach, taut and brown; his powerful chest; his strong jaw; his full lips, slightly parted as he breathed heavily but evenly; his closed eyes, lashes fluttering slightly; his messed-up hair. God, he was beautiful. A thought occurred to me just then. This is exactly what I wanted to do with Edward on our honeymoon. I was glad that Jacob was still sleeping and couldn't see the single tear roll down my cheek.