Heart-to-Heart

Thankfully, Emeril came through in a pinch- Billy seemed impressed by his breakfast. As did Jacob- he wolfed it down, so to speak. While I washed the dishes and Jacob dried; Billy sat in the living room and watched TV. I could tell that Jacob was itching to be alone. And not that kind of alone.

"Garage?" he whispered, as I handed him the last dish, a mixing bowl. He quickly wiped it, shoved it in a cabinet. Probably the wrong one. I nodded. He reached out and grabbed my hand; called out to Billy. "Dad, we're going to be in the garage for a little while. If Chief Swan calls, can you tell him that Bella is feeling better and will be home this afternoon?" I shouldn't have been surprised that Jacob would be so presumptuous to Billy, but I was. However, I was even more grateful that I wouldn't have to deal with Charlie, so I let it go.

We walked out to the garage, hand-in-hand. But as soon as we got there, I sensed that Jacob couldn't just sit and talk. He needed a….distraction. He picked up a few scattered parts of the bike that he was working on, started assembling. I watched from the passenger side of his Rabbit.

He worked in silence while I watched him. Similar to when he told me about Edward, I got the impression that he was debating with himself, trying to decide what to say, how to say it. Despite the seriousness of our impending conversation, I couldn't help but look longingly at his hands as he worked. God, those hands. I bit my lip as memories of the previous few nights inundated my head.

I don't know how long it was- five minutes, two hours- but Jacob eventually broke the silence. I guessed he figured out what he was going to say after all. "I don't exactly know how to start, Bella," he began, using some unfamiliar tool to attach one unidentified motorcycle part to the next. "But I guess I just really need to know……what happens now."

I knew that this was coming, but for some reason this knowledge did not at all prepare me for it. I felt that this weekend with Jacob was akin to a moth spending time in a cocoon, sheltered and protected from the rest of the world. I just wasn't ready to emerge as a butterfly yet. But I would somehow have to. I was going to have to deal with this stuff eventually, leave this fantasyland that Jake and I were inhabiting, return to reality. I was just hoping to spend another afternoon avoiding it all. Dammit. I sighed heavily. "Jacob, I don't know."

"Bella, what are you going to do?"

"Jacob, I don't know. I'm not lying to you."

His voice became inflected with emotion. He spoke faster. "But you're going to do something, right? You're not going to go back to your blo-- Edward and pretend nothing happened, are you?"

"Of course I'm going to do something, Jacob," I explained, a coldness entering my voice. "You must not think very much of me to assume that I wouldn't."

"Bella, I don't think that about you- you just don't know how much that I hope that you do something. So are you going to talk to him?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"What are you going to tell him?" His voice sounded strangled, tortured.

I looked over at Jacob. His hands were in front of his face. It almost looked like he was bracing himself for a car crash. I approached him, gently grabbed his wrists, pulled them down, looked into his eyes. I freed a hand, gently moved a piece of hair away from his face. I suddenly felt calm. The answer was there all along. "I'm going to tell him the truth."

Jacob stared back at me, his black eyes wide in surprise. "What's the truth?" he managed to get out.

"That we slept together. That we spent all weekend together. That I'm still in love with you. That I love you more than ever."

Jacob looked at me seriously. The words I just spoke meant a lot to him- the slightest hint of a smile appeared at the corner of his mouth. But it wasn't enough for him- he wouldn't allow himself to smile completely. "Anything else?"

I sighed again. "I don't know yet, Jake. I need to see how I feel when I see him. I need to see how he responds to what I tell him. I just can't promise anything else right now. I'm sorry."

"Bella," Jacob said, in a strained voice, starting to get emotional. He gripped my arms with his huge hands, squeezed, almost like he was about to shake me. It made me uncomfortable; got my attention- I looked straight into his eyes. "Bella. What do you want? What is going to make you happy?"

"Well, you're not making me very happy right now with your death grip," I stated, acid in my voice. His hands released me; he attempted to relax, but couldn't, and proceeded to start pacing. "Jacob, it's not cut-and-dry," I explained. "I wish it was. Right now, I can honestly say that I have spent most of this weekend thinking how fantastic our life would be if we were together, how happy it would make me. I can see it all, and I want it more now than I ever have. But when Edward gets back and I speak with him tonight, I don't know if I'll still be able to say that. I just don't."

Jacob stepped towards me as he started pulling something out of the back pocket of his jeans. Silvery, thin, with a red-brown wooden piece at the bottom. A necklace. He held it out for me to see.

It was the piece that he had been working on yesterday morning in bed. At the time, he had just been doing the rough shaping, so I couldn't tell what it was going to be. He had obviously taken some time to work on it since then- it must have been while I was asleep last night. It was breathtaking. A heart-shaped pendant. Carved into one half- an intricate wolf, sort of like before. Carved into the other half- my face, I could tell it was me, the detail was amazing. I looked up at him, mouth hanging open.

Jacob deftly opened the clasp on the thin silver chain, brought it up to my neck, refastened it. He looked at the pendant resting on my chest and smiled, but it was somehow sad. "I had to use one of my chains. I know it's too big for you." He fell to his knees, grabbing my hand with one arm and putting it to his chest. He put his other hand on the pendant, on mine. "Bella, stay human and be with me. I know that you're married, and I don't care. Your heart is still beating, and that's all that matters. It's not too late." His voice cracked with emotion, desperation. "I know that I don't have the money that Edward has. And that I'm not as sophisticated or as cultured as he is. But Bella, you and I can be together like we were all weekend- easy. No changes. And I will love you, and protect you, and make you happy, really happy, Bella. I'll make love to you, and we can have kids someday, and bring them around to spend holidays with Billy and Charlie. We can have a big family, and grow old together. I promise you, if you decide to come back to me after this, I want to marry you. I don't care how young I am. I want us to be together. God, Bella, I love you so much." He rose, pulling me up with him, off of my feet, into his arms. He kissed me, completely letting go, like Edward has never been able to, the kind of kiss that would linger in my memory the entire time I was gone- and it wouldn't matter how long that was. But it was too short- it was also the kind of kiss that he hoped would have me coming back for more. After a minute, he gently set me down.

"Go," he said. "Just….please….come back."