Choice, again

I turned away and ran from Jacob before he could see the tears streaming down my face. I reached the car, jumped inside. It took several minutes of bawling before I even felt composed enough to start the engine. When I did, I felt a sudden urge to move as fast as possible, put as much distance as I could between myself and what had happened with Jacob. I needed to think. As much as I loved spending the rest of the weekend with Jake, it definitely didn't afford me a lot of time to sort out what had happened between us in my head. On the contrary, it gave me even more to think about. I hit the accelerator.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to organize my thoughts like the last time I drove back from La Push. As soon as I crossed the Quileute border, I noticed a car following me. I groaned. This time it had to be Edward; no one else would have kept up with me. I looked at my speedometer- I was going 85- and it felt like nothing in the Guardian. I smiled ruefully- I miss my truck. Upon closer inspection, I was able to make out the silver Volvo. I then caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror. My hair was a tangled mess; my eyes were red, puffy; my eyelashes sticking together; my face splotchy. Wow, didn't I look fantastic. What a way for a newlywed to welcome home her husband after being gone for three days. I returned my eyes to the road. I tried to block out everything except for getting home as quickly as possible.

When I returned to Charlie's, I waited a moment for Edward to pull his car up behind mine so that we could get out together. I obviously wasn't going to have any time to talk things over with Charlie, so I may as well use Edward as a temporary buffer- especially if Charlie was mad about last night. I had been hoping to avoid him entirely, but of course with my great timing we were catching him at home right between his fishing trip and his football game- his car was parked in the drive.

Edward got out of his car and strode up to me. He looked thinner and paler than usual- almost sick. His eyes were very dark; for having gone hunting all weekend, it didn't look like he had quenched his thirst at all. What a pair we make.

He approached me slowly. "Bella, are you all right?" His velvet voice was full of concern. He traced the streaks on my face where my tears had laid a path before drawing me close into a hug. His arms around me only resulted in me shedding a completely new set of tears. I cried in his arms for what felt like hours.

I was too upset to respond to him right away. It took several deep breaths before I was able to reply. "I'm not all right, Edward. I have to tell you some things that I don't think you're going to like."

Edward nodded in understanding. "Well, I don't think that in your driveway is the best place to have this discussion," he said smoothly, "Shall we go in and face Charlie first?"

I nodded. "Okay," I whispered. Edward put his arm around my shoulders and led me into the house.

Charlie was alerted to the door opening; I could hear his voice projecting louder as he came down the stairs. "Bella, is that you? Young lady, we have some things to talk abou-" He stopped abruptly and his eyes widened as we came into sight. He took in my disheveled appearance, my still-red eyes; Edward trailing behind me, his zombie-like state, his tear-stained shirt. "-t…" he trailed off softly. He was clearly unnerved. Nothing rattled Charlie quite like tears and emotions. He quickly added, "But we can discuss everything later. I'm late for a football game!" bounded down the remainder of the stairs, and dashed out the door. Within seconds we could hear the roar of his engine as he drove away. He didn't seem to mind in the slightest that he was leaving Edward and me alone.

I plopped on the couch in the living room, feeling robbed of the necessary energy to make it up the stairs. Edward sat next to me, began stroking my hair.

"Edward, don't touch me," I said, swatting his hand away. "I don't deserve it. I'm an awful person, and you need to treat me that way."

Edward looked remarkably calm. "Bella, are you all right? Talk to me, love. What happened?" he asked gently, fingers returning to my hair again.

"Edward, I slept with him. I slept with Jacob," I blurted out numbly. I figured I might as well just put it out there, get this over with. There was no point in my being any more deceptive than I already had been. "I'm a horrible human being."

Edward's expression was enigmatic- I couldn't tell his overriding emotion. Wistful, sad, understanding, comprehending. Surprisingly. I was expecting to be trying to decide between anger, rage, fury. "Bella, you're not a horrible human being," he said gently, "You're a human being. There's a big difference. You have needs, and I haven't been meeting them. You deserve better."

"Edward, no!" I shrieked, any composure gone. "Stop it! I cheated on you! I'm the one that's wrong here! What I did was inexcusable!" I choked out, sobbing again.

"But you were right, Bella," he said serenely. "I have thought about it a lot the past few days. I deceived you first. I should have been more upfront with you about my- limitations. It was completely wrong of me to let you assume that everything was going to be fine when I knew that it wouldn't be. You were utterly justified in your actions."

"Edward, nothing can justify what I've done! Nothing!!" I screamed, nearly hysterical.

"That's not true, Bella," Edward murmured, putting his cool fingertips at my chin, calming me. I immediately felt some of the angry heat leave my face. "Bella, how do you feel about him?" he inquired in his soft velvet voice.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I didn't cheat on Edward for revenge, or because I'm incapable of being faithful. Or even because I was a horny teenager. I looked down, formulating the words. Okay, there they were. Now I just had to say them. Deep breaths. In and out. Okay, I could do this. "I'm still in love with him," I whispered.

"Bella, what do you want?" He wondered, his voice low. He continued to run his fingers along my face, tracing my jawline, my ear. He stared at me with his now-dark eyes.

It was the second time in an hour that someone had asked me that. It was so hard to be sure. My heartbeat quickened, deepened. I had two amazing choices; most people are lucky if they get one. I was still looking downward, caught a glimpse of my engagement ring on my left hand. The shimmering stones, the delicate golden webbing. It was so unusually and heartbreakingly beautiful, elegant, unchanging- it reminded me of Edward himself. Edward's fingertips inched from my ear to my throat. He ran one of his fingers underneath the silver chain that was still hanging from my neck, started following it, slowly, slowly, to my chest. My pendant was nestled under my shirt- I shifted my gaze to it, but Edward couldn't see it, not yet. He continued to drag his finger gradually down the length of the shiny chain. Jacob's chain was too big- the pendant rested almost squarely on my heart. I looked closer- I could actually see my heart pound beneath it. In that moment, I knew exactly what I had to say.