Waiting

When I woke up the next morning, I felt….rested. That was about it. My subconscious certainly didn't have any epiphanies while I had been sleeping- I still felt as confused as ever over what had transpired yesterday. And….hungry. Once again, I had skipped dinner- I was asleep before sunset. I plodded down the stairs to cook some breakfast. I saw the note that Charlie left on the kitchen table:

Bells,

I'm not that mad. It looked like you were going through a really hard time yesterday. Sad about leaving Jacob when you go to Dartmouth? I shouldn't be back late from work today- I can take you out to dinner if you want. We can talk.

Dad

P.S. Angela called on Saturday evening. Said to call her back.

I smiled. Charlie didn't say much, but he spoke volumes in his note. Except that I don't think that I'll be leaving Jacob, Dad. My smile disappeared. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything.

I started making an omelet, cracked open the eggs into a bowl, added salt and pepper, started mixing. Mixed feelings, mixed emotions. Added some oil to a pan, sautéed some green pepper, mushrooms, and onions that I had picked up last week. My brain is fried. Added the eggs to the pan, grated some cheddar. My thoughts are scrambled. Used a spatula to gently fold half of it over. My stomach is folded into knots- it's practically inside out. Waited for the cheese to melt. Just waiting, waiting for it to be done. You're losing it, Bella. Enough with the food analogy.

After breakfast, I wondered what I was going to do for the rest of the day- well, the rest of the week, really. I wasn't ready to see Edward again. Jacob- well, I wanted to see him, but his hell week with Sam was supposed to start today- Jake told me he'd be pretty tied up until Wednesday or Thursday. Okay, at least wait until Wednesday to try to call him. You won't look as desperate. Ha! I had never wanted to play those games.

But I did feel-weird, I guess- Edward's compromise, having this huge decision to mull over, being left on my own to dwell on it. I tried to think of times since I had met Edward and Jacob when I didn't strongly feel the presence of at least one of them in my life. When Edward avoided me, before I knew what he was, and when he…. first left me- before Jacob and I were close. When Edward was still gone, and Jacob had first joined the pack, and had stayed away from me for those couple of weeks for fear of hurting me. I had survived- sort of. Sure, I might have been practically catatonic, a great candidate for a psychiatric ward, an insane asylum, but I had survived. This is only until Wednesday. Quit being so melodramatic.

But what was there to think about, really? I had made my decision yesterday; felt okay with it. So what if I had stood in front of all of the people I loved and lied to Edward? So what if I was going to go back on my vows after less than three weeks of marriage? Give up the person that I had promised to love forever? The very thought gave me butterflies. Don't think about it, Bella.

Killing time, killing time. I called Angela back; she was happy to hear from me. I even gave in and called Renee. I told both of them the same story- as close to the truth as I could get it, which was pretty far- I was disappointed that I wouldn't have any time to come back and say my goodbyes before going away to college.

They both seemed to understand. I spent the rest of the time listening a lot, talking as little as possible- the last thing I wanted to do was reveal anything else that was going on.

Desperate for something to do, I called Newton's again, seeing if anyone had called in sick. This time, Mike Newton answered.

"I heard that you were back early, Bella," Mike said cheerfully. "What happened? Cullen couldn't get it up?" He jabbed jokingly. He had no idea how right he was.

"Shut up, Mike." I spat. I hung up on him immediately. A few minimum-wage shifts at Newton's over the next couple of days wasn't worth another second of listening to him. As if I needed another reminder. I quit it with the phone for a while after that.

Charlie arrived to take me out to dinner in time to find that the entire downstairs was spotless. Not that I was all that messy, mind you, especially in common areas. But I had decided to do a complete overhaul- moving furniture, the works- for lack of wanting anything else to occupy my mind. Charlie was psyched; I told him I needed to clean up after myself if I was going to be moving out of the house. But was I going to be moving out of the house? I was wondering when or if I should bring it up. To be honest, I think that I would be perfectly content with telling Charlie at the last possible second that I had decided to stay.

We went to the local diner- nothing special. Charlie said that we could go someplace fancier, but I was craving a cheeseburger. He seemed in good spirits, and I was relieved that my odd behavior since I had returned home hadn't caused any permanent damage. We ended up talking a bit, I had to tell him something, but I was trying to be as evasive as possible. Edward and I were having some problems. I was confused. I was happy that Jacob was there for me. Phrased that way, my dilemma sounded almost normal. Charlie didn't press me- he knew all too well about marital problems. He didn't need to experience any of mine vicariously.

When we got back to the house, Charlie flipped on a Mariners game. Not wanting to be alone, I sat through it with him and gazed at the television. It was pretty torturous- I could have cared less about the game. And I didn't want to zone out, think- that was the last thing I needed, to quadruple-guess myself.

After the baseball game was over, Charlie turned on another one that was only in the 6th inning. I guess I wasn't going to get any freedom with the TV this evening. Defeated, I trudged up the stairs. I lay in bed for hours before I felt even remotely sleepy. My last thought before closing my eyes: One day down. Two more to go before I can call Jake. Ugh. The next forty-eight hours or so were going to suck.

Somehow, somehow, I managed to make it until Wednesday evening without calling the Black residence. Jacob hadn't called- but I figured he wouldn't. Like Edward, I could sense that he was trying to let me call the shots. I had decided to wait to phone him until 7 p.m. In the meantime, I had made Charlie an outstanding dinner- stir-fry chicken and vegetables with peanut sauce. I had been so focused on keeping my mind occupied, cooking dinner, and clock-watching, that when I actually picked up the phone receiver to call Jake I realized that I hadn't exactly figured out what I wanted to say to him. Oh, well- I wasn't going to wait another second. I would wing it. I dialed the Blacks' house.

"Hello?" Billy answered.

"Hi Billy, this is Bella," I said, a twinge of embarrassment remaining from the last time I had spoken to him. "May I speak with Jacob, please?"

"Hi Bella. Jake just called me about an hour ago- he's still tied up at Sam's. He's been really busy, and has to stay at Sam's longer than he originally thought, but said that he should be back Friday night sometime. He didn't really have time to talk, but he also wanted me to give you a message in case you called: He misses you."

Warmth spread over my face as I felt myself blushing. "Thanks, Billy. I appreciate it. If he happens to call back, do you mind giving him a message as well?"

"Sure thing, Bella. Let me just grab a pen." I waited a moment while I heard the shuffling of paper on the other end of the line. "Okay, go ahead," he said.

"Just please tell him that I need to talk to him as soon as possible. Before Saturday. Please have him call me as soon as he can. And- I miss him, too. Thanks."

We said our goodbyes. After hanging up the phone, it felt bittersweet. The good news: Jacob missed me. He had made it a point to tell Billy. The bad: I still had to wait.