Complications, again
It was Friday evening. Jacob still hadn't called me. Charlie and I had just finished devouring the delicious pot roast that I had prepared for dinner. We had plenty of leftovers from the Wednesday evening's stir-fry, Thursday's lasagna- but that was irrelevant. It was the process of cooking dinner that I needed to clear my mind, distract me from all of the day's thoughts, things that I was now anxious to say but couldn't, not yet. Charlie ate it up, literally and figuratively. I had told Charlie with a smile as I handed him the steaming plate that I was enjoying the last of my culinary creativity before heading off to college and subsisting on a diet of pizza and beer. I felt guilty for lying, but hoped that the food itself would cancel out any bad karma.
Unlike earlier in the week, where I was trying to do anything but think, I had actually spent most of the last two days soul-searching, evaluating my feelings and figuring out what I wanted to say to Jacob, to Edward. Despite the fact that I was lonely, I had to concede that Edward was probably right- taking time to think things through, on my own, had been beneficial. It wasn't so bad- I'm not sure why I had been dreading it so much. The guilt over what I'd done was there regardless of whether I consciously thought about it or not. And the weather was absolutely gorgeous, for Forks- I sat outside in my usual reading spot and looked at the sparse puffy clouds in the afternoon sun. In being incommunicado with either guy that I loved for a few days, I was able to reach some important conclusions.
First of all, I missed Jacob- I smiled as I remembered my closing line to Billy. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. But I really missed him. His vivid white smile; his dark, perceptive eyes; his warm, comforting body. I missed his sense of humor; his directness. The way he looked at me. All of it. All of him. I missed the ease and comfort of the past weekend- and wanted to feel it for as long as I could. I didn't have a shred of doubt that I would be happy with him. As long as I lived.
Secondly, even though I still loved Edward, I felt a sliver of distance between us, growing slightly with each passing day, and for once, it was not unwelcome. I remember that Renee had told me once that it looked like Edward exerted a gravitational force on me, as if I revolved around him. I think that initially it took being with Jacob, being attracted to another force, to jerk me away from Edward's gravitational pull of black-hole-like proportions. But now, because was a little farther away, Edward's force had weakened a bit, which felt good-and it didn't have anything to do with Jacob at all. It had to do with me. I felt….like I could stand on my own, like I was in the calm part of the ocean rather than being swept up by a tumultuous undercurrent. I might not have been as….captivated, but I felt stronger, for myself. Right now, I needed that.
I remembered a conversation that Jacob and I had a while back, when he told me that Edward was like a drug for me. Thinking about it now, it made a lot more sense. I thought back to when Edward had ended things with me, left me in the forest. At the time, I was completely hooked on him, and his abrupt departure was the worst thing that ever could have happened to me. I was an addict, completely in denial, going through the throes of sudden withdrawal. I thought of some of the symptoms- cold sweats, heart palpitations, nightmares, uneven breathing. Check, check, check, check.
It was a little different now. Being with Jacob this short time, and even before when we were just friends, had felt so….healthy. I'm not sure I ever felt that way with Edward- it was no wonder that both of my parents were concerned about our relationship. I felt vital and alive this past weekend; the natural high was fantastic because I knew it was good for me, too. Like the endorphins kicking in after exercise (so I've heard). So, if an addict knows that they're an addict, and they want to get healthy, is the withdrawal going to be as bad? I couldn't imagine that it would be. I hoped it wouldn't be. In fact, I could imagine welcoming the pain, because it was a necessary part of recovery, of moving on to a healthier life.
I was going to find out soon how bad the pain would be- giving up Edward was going to be one of the most difficult things I could ever imagine doing. But first, I needed to know that Jacob was going to be able to come with me to the Cullens' on Sunday morning. I knew myself too well- I wasn't sure if I was going to have the strength to face Edward alone.
Once again, I picked up the phone and dialed the Black residence, trying to get a handle on my breathing- I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. The ringing on the other end of the line felt like an eternity.
One ring, two, three, four. After six rings or so, someone picked up. "Hello?" It sounded like Billy, but the voice was somber, grave- not usually Billy's style.
"Billy? Is that you? This is Bella."
"Oh, hello Bella," he muttered absentmindedly, clearly distracted. "Are you looking for Jake?"
Why else would I be calling? I wondered. Instead, I said, "Yeah, I am. He was supposed to be back this evening, right?"
"I think you should call Sam," Billy replied suddenly. "Do you have his number?"
"Uh, no," I said, taken aback. I grabbed a notepad and writing utensil, wrote down the numbers that Billy recited. "Billy, what's wrong? Is Jacob okay?"
"Just call Sam," was all he said before the line wend dead.
Well, that was weird. What the hell is going on here? I wondered. Anxiety overtook my mindset as I started imagining the worst. He got into a fight with another tribe. He got hurt. There's some immediate threat.
I wasted no time in looking at the number I had written down and immediately dialing it. Sam answered on the first ring. "Hello, Uley residence," boomed the deep voice.
"Sam! What's going on?! Is Jacob okay? Is he hurt?!" I berated him the millisecond that I heard him on the line. I didn't waste any time. I was too frought with worry to be patient for Sam's response as it was.
"Bella, calm down. Jacob is fine. He's better than fine, in fact," Sam said smugly.
"Can I talk to him? Can you put him on the phone?" I begged.
"I don't think that would be a good idea just this second, Bella-" he started to respond.
"Why not, Sam?" I cut him off. "If he's not hurt, than what's going on? Why is he still there? Why won't you let him talk to me?!" I had a hysterical edge to my tone.
"Bella," Sam said softly. "Jacob imprinted."
No. I let the phone receiver slip through the palm of my hand, crash to the floor.
A/N: I know most of you are Jacob fans, and that you probably hate me right now. Don't. The story is not over- stay with me. Remember, I'm a Jacob fan, too.