Paris, again
I stood there, frozen, for several minutes. Very faintly, I could hear my name being called from the receiver below. Mechanically, I bent down and picked it up, placed it gently in the cradle. I simply couldn't deal with what had just been said.
Jacob imprinted.
I was too shocked to cry, to scream, to throw things. I felt numb. I had no energy. I lay down on my bed, waited for sleep to come. It didn't. I just lay there, stunned, the thought repeating itself in my head. Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted Jacob imprinted. Shock. Denial. Jacob imprinted. Eventually, the same words repeated over and over in my brain had the same effect as counting sheep. After several hours, I eventually passed out.
When I woke up, I wasn't aware of how much time had gone by. All I saw was that it was still dark out. I half-opened one eye, glanced at my alarm clock- 3:23 a.m. I had only been asleep for two hours, and upon waking my stomach was immediately twisted into knots. I shifted position in bed, curling onto my side, bending my elbows and putting my hands underneath my pillow to warm them, when I felt my fingertips lightly brush something foreign. A piece of paper. That got my attention. My eyes pulled open, my brain instantly awake. What was this?
I reached out with one hand, flicked on the bedside lamp. I slowly unfolded the single sheet of paper. The handwriting was Edward's impeccable script:
Dear Mrs. Cullen,
Bella, I have spent almost an entire week without you, waiting patiently for your decision about what you desire for your future. It has been without a doubt the longest and one of the most anxiety-ridden weeks of my existence. I was hoping to share a few brief thoughts with you, regardless of whether or not you've made up your mind.
First of all, I sincerely regret the way I left you on Sunday. More than anything, I wanted to take you into my arms, give you the most passionate kiss you've ever had in your life, and be certain that you understood how deeply I care about you, how much I love you. However, I was afraid that if you didn't interpret my actions that way I had intended, than I would have confused you even more. But please know that I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around you and give you all of the love and emotion that you deserve.
Also, I have tried my hardest, once again, to give you the distance you need this week to think things through on your own. I haven't wanted to pressure you in any way, and I want the decision to be yours and yours alone. However, it occurred to me today that perhaps you could construe my distance as ambivalence- which couldn't be further from the truth. Bella, I have spent every hour this entire week thinking about you, about how incredibly beautiful you are, about how much you complete my life, hoping that you'll decide to be with me. And if you show up tomorrow, than I will spend the rest of eternity proving it to you.
I love you always, my beautiful wife,
Edward
By the time I had reached the bottom of the letter, the tears in my eyes obstructed the words on the piece of paper- I was crying so hard I could barely read. Over everything. How had it come to this? How had all of this even happened?
My tears came faster, harder; my blubbering louder, when I thought of Jacob. The words I kept repeating to myself last night had finally sunk in. Jacob imprinted. How could he leave me like this? He had promised me, that if I came back to him, that he would marry me. How could he abandon me, go back on his word? You haven't exactly come back to him, Bella. That was true, but I just couldn't bring myself to face him now. Knowing. Jacob had told me all about the illogical nature of imprinting, but I just couldn't see him- I was too selfish. I realized that I still wanted him to look at me the way that he always had. I cried even harder. Because now, I knew even more about the life that I had to give up. And worse, that I wasn't choosing to give it up anymore. The choice had been taken out of my hands.
I cried thinking of Edward, too- his beautiful note. He must have slipped in while I had been sleeping- if anyone could get away with it, it would be Edward. Or had it been there before? Briefly, I wondered if Edward could hear what had been said on the phone last night. It didn't matter. I didn't deserve him. Not in any capacity. He was too considerate, too perfect- and I just kept fucking things up. He was restrained, which apparently gave me the go-ahead to walk all over him. I bowed my head in shame.
I seemingly cried for hours. For what I did to Edward, for the loss of Jacob- as a lover, but more importantly, as my best friend- he was gone forever, I would never be the same person to him again. I sobbed and sobbed, tears streaming down my cheeks, sometimes so hard that I couldn't breathe evenly- I kept coughing, felt like I was going to faint.
The Bella angel and the Bella devil were back. As I wept, I could almost feel the Bella angel on my left tap my shoulder.
Things don't have to change, Bella. You were going to transform and be with Edward anyway. Isn't that what you always wanted? You're still his wife, after all.
The Bella devil protested. But you just found out about Jacob. You should take more time to think things through, before you make such a big decision. It's the rest of eternity!
The Bella angel: Jacob, Schmacob. He's moved on. So should you. Jacob's probably with some Native American beauty who is more stunning than Leah- and way nicer. Edward is perfect and you know it. Just look at the note that he wrote you!
I tried to tune them out. Truthfully, I wasn't sure which one was the devil and which one was the angel anymore. But the words that I just heard were rough. He's moved on. So should you.I cringed, another tear making its way down my face.
I thought back to Sunday. Edward leaving me without so much as a kiss. At the time, I remembered being relieved that he didn't take me into his arms. Wasn't that saying something? But suddenly, another thought from that day hit me like a Mack truck. Right before I told him that I wanted to be with Jacob, the thought that I had stuck in my mind was: I had two amazing choices; most people are lucky if they get one. That was true- I did have two amazing choices. Now I only had one. But one still means that I'm lucky.
I thought of Romeo and Juliet. I remembered a long time ago thinking that Jacob was my Paris, after Edward my Romeo had left me. I almost chuckled. Surely I had that mixed up. How could anyone other than Jacob be Romeo? And if Jacob was my Romeo, did that make Edward my Paris?
My mind was churning, still trying to comprehend that Jacob, my Romeo, was gone. But Edward's fortuitous timing managed to remind me, that despite how much I loved Jacob, how much I wanted to be with him, that Edward, Paris, was still here for me. He still wanted me, even if Jacob didn't. I didn't want to be alone.
Without taking any more time to think about it, I picked up the phone, dialed Edward's cell. He answered on the first ring.
"Bella?" his voice sounded strained, the least composed that I had ever heard it sound. "Bella, did you get my note?"
"Yes, Edward," was all I said in reply.
"What did you think of it?" He proceeded slowly, cautiously, waiting for my response.
"I mean….yes; I want to be with you. I want you and Carlisle to change me. I want to be a vampire and be with you for eternity. I've made my decision. Can we do it later today?"
I think that I shocked him; he took several seconds to respond. When he did, he laughed nervously. "Love, I think that can be arranged."