Chapter 12
One week before Christmas, Ginny told Hermione that Professor McGonagall, who had been Headmistress of Hogwarts for several years, wanted to introduce a new tradition.
"It seems that she has consulted with many people – Mom was one of them – and has made the decision: from this year on, the last day before the Christmas Holidays is going to be Alumni Day." Ginny grinned and got comfortable in Hermione's tiny kitchen. "We will probably get an owl from Hogwarts in the next few days. At least I think so – Hermione, are you all right?" Ginny noticed that her best friend had turned white as a sheet and gazed at her in shock.
"It's nothing," Hermione quickly reassured her. "It's just... I haven't been to Hogwarts since... you know. Since the battle."
"But wouldn't you be glad to see the school and meet all those people again? To learn what they are doing and what has become of them?" Ginny asked hesitatingly.
"Of course I would," Hermione answered with a thoughtful smile. "I would... I know that I am silly. It's just a strange feeling, you know?"
Ginny nodded, and a shadow passed over her beautiful face. "Do you think I don't remember that my brother died there? Or Remus and Tonks? But you have to see it this way, Hermione: We have many great memories of Hogwarts, too. Don't you think that they will prevail? After all, it is the place where we defeated Voldemort."
"You mean where Harry defeated Voldemort," Hermione corrected her with a smile that suddenly emerged on her face. "We only observed it and were scared to death."
Ginny grinned and shrugged. "Yes, sure, he has. But it sounds cooler when I include us all."
Hermione felt a sudden rush of love for the friend who understood her so well. They had feared and grieved for the same people. In a few months, they had shared more than other people shared in their whole lives. Hermione was thankful to have somebody who understood her thoughts and fears without words.
oOoOoOoOo
Hermione inhaled the ice-cold air deeply while she looked at the snow-covered grounds of Hogwarts that stretched before her like a never ending space.
"It's overwhelming, isn't it?" said Harry while he stared up towards the castle that lay before them as impressive as ever.
Harry, Ginny and Hermione had Apparated together, and for a while, they simply stood and took in the beautiful and familiar view.
"Look, Hagrid's home," exclaimed Ginny and pointed at the smoke that rose into the gray winter sky from the chimney of Hagrid's hut. They started walking together and moments later, Harry knocked on the massive wooden door.
"C'm in," boomed Hagrid's voice from within, and while Harry pushed the handle, Hermione suddenly felt like the little schoolgirl again when she, Ron and Harry would sneak out of the castle to visit the giant gamekeeper. "Merlin's beard," the half-giant exclaimed when he recognised his visitors. "C'mon in, 's freezin' ou'there!"
He crossed the distance with astonishing speed, considering his size, and in the next second he had enveloped Harry in a hug that made him scream. "Ouch, Hagrid, you're killing me," Harry gasped, but his beaming smile reflected Hagrid's happy face.
"Sorry," said the gamekeeper while tears started gleaming in his beetle black eyes. "Should've taken care, got carried away summat, sorry. It's jus' so good ta see you lot again!" He hugged Hermione and Ginny, too. Although he did make an effort to be more gentle with the young women, Hermione felt as if her lungs had been compressed to half their volume when he released her.
"We're happy too, Hagrid," Harry answered for all of them. Of course, they had met Hagrid in Diagon Alley every now and then over the years when he was 'on Hogwarts business', but being there in his hut felt completely different.
While they sat down at the table, Hermione looked around and saw that Hagrid had plastered one of the walls with newspaper cuttings. With a rush of emotion, she realized that these were articles about herself, Harry and Ron as well as the three Chocolate Frog cards of them that had been released in the meantime.
"Oh, Hagrid," she murmured when he noticed her gaze and placed his huge paw on her hand.
"I collect'd all bits 'n pieces 'bout ya, ya know," he muttered with his deep voice. "Wasn't much, ya never do interviews. But when Kingsley made Harry Head of the Aurors' Office, 'twas in the papers. And that you're gonna be the youngest member of tha' Magical Law thing in centuries, too. I'm so proud of all of ya," he said while large tears ran down into his mess of a beard. Hermione met Harry's gaze, and she realised that he was as emotional as she was about the way in which their friend took interest in their lives.
"We brought something for you, Hagrid," Ginny murmured and gave him a large bottle of Firewhiskey. "And here are some photographs of our boys." She handed the photographs of James and Albus Severus to the half giant.
"This one 's gonna be a righ' li'l rascal, I tell ya," Hagrid chortled and pointed to a photograph of James scooting through the picture. "Jus' like you, Harry, summat cheekier maybe." He was all smiles. "An' this wee lad is a credit to both his names, I'm sure." He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, and Hermione speculated that the pictures would soon add to the wall decorations, too. Hagrid loudly blew his nose into his flowery table cloth sized handkerchief and croaked: "Wha'bout a swig of this Firewhiskey here? Guess we all could use some, hey?"
"Hagrid! It's the middle of the afternoon!" Ginny grinned.
"Oh, wouldn't make a good impression if you'd get to the castle a li'l tipsy, would it? But, I'll keep the Whiskey fer later." He winked and they could not help but grin in return. "And now ya better get goin'! Professer McGonnagall's waitin' fer ya! I got to feed me animals and then get dressed up. See ya later!" He said good-bye at the door and Hermione had to stifle a giggle when she thought of Hagrid's horrendous brown hairy suit that he certainly still owned.
oOoOoOoOo
Hogwarts was almost like Hermione remembered it, and she felt a certain humility when she glanced over the Great Hall that was already decorated in all its festive glory. The parts of the castle that had been destroyed in the battle had been reconstructed. But although everything appeared to be the same as before the big battle, there was a different atmosphere. It seemed to her as if the old walls knew what had happened here.
Slowly, Hermione put one foot in front of the other and looked at the stone walls and paintings.
"I am so glad that you could come. I was looking out of my window and saw you coming." When they heard her familiar voice, all three of them turned towards Minerva McGonagall, who was looking at them with a warm smile. Her face was even more wrinkled than it had been, and her hair that she wore in a tight bun as always showed more gray streaks. However, her eyes sparkled and made her look younger than ever.
She started shaking their hands, but ended up heartily hugging each one of her former pupils. "It's great to be back at Hogwarts," Ginny said very quietly. "I had forgotten, or never truly realised, how impressive and somehow grand everything is."
They had a little chat with the headmistress, but after some time, Professor McGonagall made her excuses because she had some work to do. She promised to meet them at the feast in the evening and disappeared, leaving them alone.
"Harry, it was a good idea to come a little earlier. I guess I need the calmness to take the whole atmosphere in," Hermione murmured. She had spent so many happy hours in this castle... When she looked around, she was flooded by memories. She thought of the many meals that she had had here with her classmates, of Dumbledore's speeches at the beginning of each school year, of the owl post in the morning. She remembered the smell of old parchment in the library, the silent knowledge hidden between book covers. She recalled big and small triumphs and defeats. The castle was a part of her happy, carefree youth. But it also meant the loss of any childhood innocence. The innocence that had been taken away by a relentless war that they had won, but at a terrible price. The faces of the dead invaded her memory. Rigid eyes, blankly staring at the ceiling.
Suddenly, it became too much for her. The mixed emotions put her in a dazed state and made her dizzy. "I... well, I guess I would like to go to Hogsmeade and visit Aberforth," she murmured. But Harry and Ginny did not hear her. They stood, hand in hand, and stared towards the location where Harry and Voldemort had faced one another all those years ago. Hermione turned around and left the Great Hall. She ran past students, followed by their surprised gazes, and only when she had reached the open air did she feel free to breathe again.
oOoOoOoOo
The snow lay like powdered sugar on the roofs of the houses in Hogsmeade, which, as Hermione knew, was the only village in Great Britain that was solely inhabited by witches and wizards. Nobody noticed her while she stood here and there to look at the shop windows. She waved at Madam Rosmerta who wiped away the snow from the entrance to her pub, the Three Broomsticks, with a wave of her wand. The innkeeper waved back and invited Hermione to a cup of hot chocolate, but Hermione politely declined. She thought about visiting Aberforth for a moment, but when she looked down towards the Hog's Head, she saw that there was no light behind the dusty windows. Obviously, there was nobody in.
So she walked the streets without haste and felt calmer with every step. She felt that she was ready to go back to the castle now, and while she walked back, she suddenly saw the lonely figure that was standing near the rotten fence and staring up to the Shrieking Shack on a hill just outside the village. She felt as if a cold hand was grabbing and squeezing her intestines while she approached him.
He must have heard the snow crunching beneath her feet, but he did not turn around. Harry had told her that he had also accepted the invitation to come to the alumni feast, but she would not have thought to meet him here.
His pale face was turned towards the Shack, and he did not move, not even when she stood next to him. She opened her mouth, ready to say something, but she remained silent when she saw his profile. She did not know how long he had been standing there; he probably did not know himself. But she felt a strong compulsion to both run away and stay near him.
"Tell me how it was that night," he suddenly said, his voice pleading and barely audible.
She stared – unsure whether he had really said the words. "Don't you remember?" she whispered, gasping.
He turned to face her and looked at her with the dead, empty gaze that made her insides cramp. His mask-like face was paler than she had ever seen, and she swallowed when she heard him say, "It is as if it had happened to somebody else, not me. I see everything that happened through some kind of haze or mist. Nothing is clear and sharp. It is just like a dream."
Hermione did not want to remember the night that so many people she loved had paid with their lives. But when she felt his gaze upon her, the words came of their own volition. "We were hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak, Harry, Ron and I. You were there with Voldemort. You tried to convince him to let you go back to the castle and search for Harry, but he would not hear any of it. He asked you for the Elder Wand. Why it did not work adequately for him. You kept avoiding his questions and tried to convince him that it was better to go looking for Harry. He, however, said that he knew why he was not the true master of the wand."
She felt strangely hollow while she spoke – like a puppet on a string, directed by someone else. "Nagini, the snake, was in this enchanted cage. At some point, he said that the wand would not work properly because you were its true master. You... you tried to be evasive, but then he performed some curse, and you were caught in the cage with your head and shoulders."
Her voice started to break while she mentally relived the scenes, and the pain came suddenly and unexpected. "The snake bit you. You collapsed and..." She did not continue, but it was not necessary. His one hand touched his throat where the ugly scar that Nagini's fangs had left was still visible.
He stared at her, long and penetrating. "I wish I could remember," he said after a long silent pause.
"I wish I could forget," she replied. She had not noticed that she was crying until she felt the hot tears on her cheeks, but she did not wipe them away.
He raised his left arm in a sudden movement, and for one mad moment she thought that he was going to hit her. But then he rolled up the sleeve of his cloak and gazed at the Dark Mark that was tattooed into his pale skin. His expression was full of self-loathing when he followed the lines of the snake on his arm with his right index finger. Words were not necessary. She understood. She understood that he felt responsible for all the pain that had been inflicted on all those people. Understood that remorse just was not enough to forgive oneself sometimes. Understood that at times, he wished they had simply left him lying in the Shack.
She did not know what made her do it, but her hand hesitatingly touched his forearm and moved over the area of skin under which she felt something pulsate like a wounded animal in agony. Her fingers fought his goose bumps, maybe they also caused them, she was not sure. He allowed it, maybe because he was too surprised to shake her off, maybe because he was unable to do anything but stare at her as if he were unsure whether this was actually happening.