John Paul hadn't realised that he had fallen asleep. He didn't know that the seductive arms of slumber had claimed him, wrapping him in comfort as securely as he had wrapped Craig in his arms.
It wasn't until an irritating repetitive noise clawed its way into his mind that sleep finally gave up its claim of John Paul and the man opened his eyes sleepily as Craig reached across him to pick up his phone and silence the message alert that had disturbed their peace.
With drowsy eyes Craig accessed his message, suddenly sitting bolt upright as the last tendrils of sleep fell from him and the words on his phone brought reality back into startling focus.
He had forgotten. It wasn't that he had chosen to ignore, he had actually forgotten. What kind of a person did that? What kind of a man was he that the kiss of John Paul could drive all other considerations from him?
"Craig… is everything alright?" John Paul raised himself upright and placed a hand on Craig's should. "What is it?"
With a shrug Craig dislodged the warm hand from his shoulder. It felt too right there and he knew that he was powerless against John Paul's touch.
"You have to go," Craig said, quickly forcing the words from his mouth before he could change his mind. John Paul's soft blue eyes filled with confusion and Craig had to look away. "I'm sorry I just… you shouldn't be here… you can't be here…"
"Craig what is it?" John Paul asked trying to pull the man back as he got up from the bed. "Please I don't understand…" John Paul's eyes fell to Craig's mobile where it lay on the bed as Craig quickly pulled on his jeans. Craig had received a text and everything had changed, instantly. What could one message say that would make Craig want to make him leave?
The realisation his John Paul with full force and he gasped for air as surely as if he had been punched in the stomach.
"Oh god… you're seeing someone…"
"I'm sorry," Craig said with genuine regret in his eyes. "I should have said but I…" He had forgotten. He had actually forgotten. From the very second that John Paul had knocked on his door Craig had forgotten that anyone else even existed.
"I can't believe it…" John Paul said shaking his head. "Why didn't you tell me? I mean I…" John Paul couldn't think. Craig had someone else, John Paul's fears were proved true after all, and the worst part of it was that John Paul couldn't even blame the man. John Paul knew that his own silence had contributed to Craig's need to find comfort elsewhere, in another Sarah.
"Please John Paul… you have to go… please." The urgency in Craig's voice rose with each passing second and John Paul realised that the man was expecting a visitor any moment.
"She's coming over isn't she?" Craig didn't answer as John Paul pulled his clothes on. How familiar was this situation? John Paul McQueen, the dirty secret being rushed out of the flat before the girlfriend arrived.
"Craig please don't do this…" John Paul gripped the older man's shoulders, forcing him to look at John Paul. "I love you Craig… and you love me… Don't send me away… not like this…"
"I can't… I don't…" Craig pulled himself from John Paul's hold, removing himself from that touch as quickly as he could. "Please John Paul…. I can't let him find you here…"
One word leapt out at John Paul, echoing over and over in his head, changing everything, everything he thought he knew, everything that he thought was true.
"Him?"
John Paul knew he was being ridiculous. What did it matter if Craig had been seeing a man or a woman surely the outcome was the same? But somehow it did matter. How many times had Craig insisted he wasn't gay? How many times had he sworn that it was only John Paul… only ever John Paul?
"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to… but after you I…" Craig couldn't do it. He couldn't face the look of hurt in John Paul's eyes so he turned and fled the room.
Pulling on the rest of his clothes John Paul made his way back into the living room where Craig was standing, fidgeting on the spot, his eyes constantly flicking to the door in anticipation of a knock.
"Craig…" John Paul's voice was soft and pleading making it impossible for Craig not to look at him. "Is this really the way you want things?"
"You left me," Craig said quietly. "What was I supposed to do? Wait forever?"
"No, of course not… but… I'm here now…"
"What? And now I'm supposed to drop everything… drop Lee just because you decide?" Craig realised that being angry made it easier, made pushing John Paul away easier.
John Paul flinched. Craig had given his boyfriend a name, somehow that made the situation more real, more painful.
"Do you love him?" Every fibre of John Paul's being begged Craig to say no.
"Does it matter?" Craig snapped, "I loved you… look where that got me…"
"Loved?"
"Love… loved… what difference does it make? Why did you have to come here John Paul? I was…"
"Happy?"
"Getting by… moving on…"
"Forgetting me?" John Paul's hand touched Craig's cheek gently but the man leapt back as if he'd been slapped.
"No," the word was hardly a whisper.
"Replacing me? Finding another man to keep your bed warm?" John Paul tried not to sound bitter but he couldn't keep the harsh edge from his voice and his accusing tone made Craig angry.
"Well isn't that what you wanted?" Craig half shouted, half sobbed. "Craig Dean to finally admit he might just be gay? Well look where that got us… happy now?"
"Do I look happy?"
Craig turned his eyes to John Paul. No he didn't look happy. He looked beautiful, breathtaking, stunning, he looked a million different things but happy wasn't one of them.
"You have to go." Craig's words were flat, defeated, he felt lost as he slowly drowned in his own confusion.
"So you keep saying…"
"But you're still here…"
"Tell me that you don't love me and I'll go."
"You're not being fair…"
"And you are?"
"Please John Paul," Craig pleaded, "If you still care about me… then do this one thing for me…"
"That's cheap… you know how much I care for you…"
"Then go… when I ask you to…"
"Where Craig? Where do I go?"
"Go home… go back to the world that you belong to… I don't think… I'm not… We're not… we're too late John Paul… what we had… it's gone…"
John Paul turned to the door, the metal handle felt cold in his grip as he looked back at Craig one last time. It was a shock as John Paul realised that the Craig he knew wasn't in there now, the older man's eyes were expressionless as if all emotion had been drained from them.
"I'm not sorry I came here," John Paul said quietly as he pulled open the front door. "I've never stopped loving you Craig… I never will."
"Goodbye John Paul," Craig breathed as the door closed and the blonde man was gone. "I love you too."
John Paul was half way down the gloomy corridor when the door leading to the outside world was flung open.
John Paul knew who he was instinctively. He had thick jet-black hair that rested just below his collar and curled softly around his ears. His eyes seemed almost as dark as his hair and, although it was hard to tell in the subdued light, his skin seemed to glow with a rich tan. Lee… that was Lee.
As he reached the door to the street John Paul hesitated. Looking back he saw the door to Craig's flat open again and Lee stepped inside, pulling Craig into his arms even before the door closed.
A moment before his door settled firmly into its housing Craig looked along the corridor to see John Paul standing desolately at the end.
"YOU left ME," Craig thought to himself, wanting to glean some satisfaction from the hurt in John Paul's eyes. But all Craig felt was loss, and the heat of Lee's mouth against his lips did nothing to take it away.
---
John Paul had been walking for almost ten minutes before he realised he didn't know where he was going. The splendours of Dublin had gone unnoticed as the man wandered through the city streets, his head hanging down and his feet dragging on the ground as if being held down by lead weights.
He had originally taken a taxi to Craig's flat and John Paul knew that he could just as easily get one back to his bed and breakfast, or even back to the airport.
He could. But he didn't.
John Paul needed a drink, several drinks, several strong drinks. He needed to drink until the sharp pain in his chest was dulled and the memory of Craig in another mans arms was bleached from his mind. Thankfully John Paul was in Dublin, and one thing that city had in abundance was pubs.
It wasn't long before John Paul was stood ordering a double whiskey in a bar he hadn't even noticed the name of. He didn't know what colour the carpet was, what was hung on the walls or even how many other customers were present. John Paul did know, however, when his drink was placed in front of him and grabbed for it with desperation. The golden liquid was swallowed in a single gulp, making John Paul gasp as its heat scorched its way down his throat to settle like molten fire in his belly.
"Another." He said banging the empty glass on the bar.
The barman looked at John Paul sympathetically as he measured out another double.
The second drink was consumed as quickly as the first, causing another gasp but still not quenching the aching pain in John Paul's chest.
"Again."
"Woman trouble?" The barman asked as he refilled the glass for a third time. John Paul lifted his eyes from the shine of the wooden bar to actually take a moment to look at the man addressing him. The barman smiled with a gentle understanding that made John Paul want to reach over the bar and thump him. What did he know of John Paul's life?
"What?" John Paul replied in a harsh clipped tone.
The barman ran one hand over his pale blonde hair as he placed John Paul's drink down.
"It's just… I've worked here a while… and normally – when a bloke orders three double whiskies on the run… it's woman trouble!"
The barman smiled kindly. His eyes were a gentle pale hue. Blue? Green? It didn't matter and John Paul didn't care.
"If I wanted to talk I'd go and see a counsellor," John Paul snapped, draining the third double whiskey and slowly appreciating the numbing effects as it flowed through his veins. "As it is I'm in a pub… so just get me another double yeah? And a pint of lager if that's not too much trouble."
The barman nodded and went to fulfil John Paul's order. He had worked in that bar, and others like it, for many years. His youthful looks belied his thirty plus years and his bright, lively eyes had seen many men like the young blonde who now stood at the bar. Some men would come into the bar for a drink wanting a sympathetic shoulder and an understanding ear, while other merely needed to drink and be left alone. The barman was in no doubt into which category John Paul fitted.
Paying for his drinks John Paul downed the fourth double whiskey before taking his pint and weaving over to an empty table by the window. He hadn't really wanted the lager but John Paul felt the need of a drink to hold, to nurse, as he looked out onto the unfamiliar streets and tried to understand what had happened.
Craig had been happy to see him, he had. Hadn't he? No of course he had. They'd kissed, held each other, made love. And that's what it had been, making love. Not just sex, not a moment of sordid pleasure, it was love, at least John Paul had thought it was.
Of course Craig was angry at first, John Paul expected that, understood it but then… then they remembered… they reconnected and everything was right, everything was perfect. It was Craig and John Paul, like it had always been, like it always should be.
Except for one slight flaw. There was no Craig and John Paul anymore it seemed. Now it was Craig and Lee. John Paul took a deep drink as he tried to wash the memory of the man's name from his mouth but the bitter aftertaste lingered long after the lager had been swallowed.
Craig had moved on, found someone else, worse than that, he had found another man. How had that beautiful dream turned so quickly into a nightmare? Raising his glass to his lips John Paul drained the last of the lager from it, momentarily surprised that he had finished the drink so fast, entirely unaware that he had been sat brooding and sipping at his pint for almost twenty minutes.
John Paul let out a low pitiful sigh. He had arrived in Dublin full of hopes and quickly watched as they were destroyed before him. The large quantity of whiskey running through his body was having a soporific effect and John Paul felt his eyelids growing heavy.
For a moment John Paul felt the comfort of the darkness, the sounds of the bar buzzed around his head without registering any meaning in his brain and, for a split second, the pain seemed to be numbed. And then, his foggy brain conjured up images of Craig. Craig smiling at him, holding out his arms, beckoning him and wanting him. John Paul felt the corners of his mouth curve into a smile at the sight of the man waiting for him but, as John Paul tried to move towards him, Craig turned and walked away. John Paul tried to call out but no sound would come. John Paul tried to run after him but his feet refused to move. And then, just as John Paul's frustration hit fever point, Craig stopped and looked back with a smile that had always said "I love you." John Paul felt his heart grow light as Craig's rich chocolate eyes sparkled with desire. It was then that John Paul realised Craig wasn't looking at him; he was looking past him, beyond him, thorough him, as if John Paul wasn't even there. Turning to look around John Paul saw a man with jet-black hair approaching at a rapid pace. Within seconds he had scooped Craig into his arms and John Paul could do nothing but watch as the men embraced.
The sound of shattering pulled John Paul back into consciousness and he looked down in bewilderment at the shards of broken glass that lay in his lacerated palm.
"Shit, are you alright?" The fair-haired barman appeared, as if from nowhere, his pale eyes filled with concern as a dark pool of blood began to form on the table.
"It's nothing… forget it," John Paul slurred dismissively. He was vaguely aware that the deep cuts across his hand didn't hurt and he looked at them with puzzlement. A large piece of glass was embedded into his skin and John Paul gripped it between his thumb and forefinger, pulling it out swiftly and watching as the blood began to ooze from the wound it left behind.
"Come on… we're getting you to casualty," the barman insisted.
"No… really… I'm fine…"
"You are NOT fine." Wrapping a tea towel around John Paul's bleeding hand the barman pulled the man uncertainly to his feet. "Now stop arguing with me."
John Paul wavered slightly, his bleary eyes fighting to focus on the gentle smile of the man before him.
"Why do you even care?" John Paul asked with uncertainty as the barman started to lead him towards the exit.
"It's my job OK," the barman replied with a laugh. "I get in trouble when patrons bleed to death on my shift… now come on, my cars just out the back, and please keep that cloth in place, I don't want you bleeding all over the upholstery."
---
"So did you miss me?" Lee asked as he threw himself onto the sofa, pulling Craig down after him.
"Course I did," Craig said with a smile as he stared into the depths of Lee's dark eyes. He tried, in vain, not to compare them with John Paul's, as he knew no good could come from that line of thinking. But still he couldn't help but remember how bright and gentle the blue of John Paul's eyes were compared to the dark and sometimes frightening shade that gleamed in Lee's.
"Good… cause I missed you." Lee brushed his thumb feather-soft across Craig's cheek, following the curve around until his hand slid to the back of Craig's neck where his fingers played gently against Craig's skin. "I missed you like crazy… I'm never going away for a week without you again."
Lee's kiss began softly, his lips pressing against Craig's as he pulled the man tightly into his arms, but the intensity quickly increased as his tongue explored the heat of Craig's mouth, tasting every inch that had been denied him for the past seven days.
Craig sank into the familiar warmth of Lee's kiss, pressing himself hard against Lee's firm toned chest as he tried to lose himself in the passion that had always burned between them. Lee's kiss grew harder and more hungry as his hands fought to gain access to the soft warmth of Craig's skin, his moans vibrating lightly into Craig's mouth.
John Paul had the most beautiful blue eyes Craig had ever seen. Nothing else had ever compared to the passion and love that could be contained in those two sapphire pools.
Craig pulled back from Lee with a sudden gasp. What the hell was he doing thinking about John Paul when he was with his boyfriend? A wave of guilt assaulted Craig and he had to turn his face away in shame as Lee reached out to him with concern.
"Craig… Craig what's wrong?"
"I… it's nothing… I just… I… perhaps I had too much to drink last night… still feeling a bit rough." Craig's words tumbled over each other as the lie slipped from his mouth.
"Last night?" Lee asked, tilting his head to one side and raising an eyebrow. "Where did you go last night?"
Craig bit his lip and silently cursed himself. Of all the lies he could have made up what possessed him to choose that one.
"I didn't… I mean… I… just went to the local… you know… for a couple…"
"But you just said you'd drank too much… so either you had a couple or you drank too much… which one is it?"
Getting to his feet Craig rubbed furiously at the back of his neck. This wasn't going well, not well at all. Why did John Paul have to turn up anyway? Everything was fine before he showed up. Well OK maybe not fine but Craig was coping, getting by, he was doing alright and alright is still better than nothing isn't it?
"Ok… maybe I had more than a couple… but you know… I was missing you…" Craig turned his gaze to Lee, his smile fighting with his heart and losing miserably.
"So who else was there?" Lee asked as he got to his feet and took the few steps that brought him close to Craig.
"No one."
"No one? So the whole pub was empty but for you?" Lee trailed one finger slowly down Craig's chest as he spoke.
"Well no… of course not… I mean… just no one I knew… no one to talk to… I was on my own… honestly…" Craig tensed as Lee's finger travelled back up his chest to come to rest under his chin. He could hear the lies in his own voice and felt certain that Lee must have been able to hear them too.
"Just you… on your own… missing me?" Lee passed his fingertip over Craig's lips as he spoke, feeling the warmth and softness of them against his skin. He loved those lips, that mouth, what it could do, how it could make him feel and the thought that anyone else could ever be kissing it, filling it, was unbearable.
"Just me," Craig assured him, turning his face to kiss at the hand that was now resting against his cheek.
Craig gasped as the air rushed from his lungs, forced quickly from him as his back collided with the wall.
"You wouldn't lie to me would you Craig? If you were there with someone else…" Lee said in a calm voice that belied the violence flashing deeply in his eyes.
Craig froze, unable to move and unable to speak. He knew if he tensed up it would make things worse. He knew if he argued it would make things worse. He knew if he said nothing it would make things worse.
Craig could still remember that first time, vividly, as if it happened only days rather than months ago. They had been out drinking, laughing and partying with friends. The night had been perfect and Craig had felt alive and cared for, the first time he had really felt that way since leaving England.
He had been talking non-stop about some nonsense or other as he opened the front door, but the second the door closed Lee had grabbed him by the front of his shirt and thrown him hard against the wall. For a moment Craig had thought this was some form of rough foreplay but the look in Lee's eyes had quickly told a different tale.
"I saw you," Lee had snarled viciously.
"Saw me what?"
"Flirting… with that bloke… I saw him follow you into the toilets… did you shag him there or have you arranged to meet him when I'm not around?"
"I don't know what you're…"
That had been the first time Lee hit him. The punch had connected swiftly with Craig's stomach, leaving the man doubled over and gasping for air.
"Don't lie to me," Lee had warned as he walked away. "Don't you ever lie to me because I'll always know."
Craig could see that look building in Lee's eyes again. But he couldn't tell the truth, not this time; he couldn't risk what Lee might do to him, or worse, what he might do to John Paul.
"Honestly Lee," Craig said softly, reaching out a hand to stroke the man's cheek. "You know there's nobody for me but you… I could never find any better than you… why would I even try?"
"If you ever…" The threat was still heavy in Lee's voice but Craig could see the anger in his eyes starting to fade.
"I wouldn't…"
"Oh Craig…" Lee gently covered Craig's face with soft kisses. "You know I only get so angry because I love you…"
"I know…"
Lee ran his hands down the length of Craig's arms, curling his fingers tightly around his boyfriends as he moved in the direction of the bedroom.
"Come on… let me show you how much I love you."
Craig relaxed as he allowed Lee to lead him into the bedroom. He knew their relationship wasn't perfect and he knew that he should probably walk away.
But Craig also knew that it wouldn't be that easy, not any more.
And at least he had someone. It was better than being lonely. It was better than being alone, wasn't it?
John Paul had the most beautiful blue eyes Craig had ever seen. Nothing else had ever compared to the passion and love that could be contained in those two sapphire pools.