John Paul was surprised by how quickly the effects of the whiskey seemed to desert him. The comforting numbness it had instilled had all too soon faded and he couldn't decide which hurt more, the pain in his hand or the one in his chest.
The fair haired barman had sat with John Paul for an hour, until he had been called through to triage, when the man had offered a smile of reassurance and a friendly squeeze to the arm. Despite everything John Paul had been grateful for such simple gestures, some slight indication that someone still cared, even Craig it felt as if no longer did.
John Paul winced at the thought, making the junior doctor who was stitching his hand apologise and offer more anaesthetic. John Paul declined the suggestion with a smile and a shake of his head. The pain he was feeling had nothing to do with the sharp needle that was being pushed through his skin to close his wounds together.
He didn't understand, it was as simple as that. When Craig had been holding him and kissing him John Paul was so certain that the man in his arms shared the love he was feeling. And then it was gone. With no warning and no explanation Craig seemed to turn cold, the fire and passion in his eyes that had smouldered so wildly had been extinguished by something that John Paul couldn't comprehend.
Was it possible that Craig had only slept with him out of some sort of cruel revenge? Making him think that what they had once shared could be saved only to taunt him with the knowledge that he had been so easily replaced. Had John Paul forced Craig into becoming such a person by walking away, by his silence and by making Craig think he'd given up?
John Paul closed his eyes to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from them. Had he really damaged what he had once had with Craig Dean so completely, so irreversibly?
John Paul hardly heard what the doctor said to him as he was discharged. He just wanted to get out, get away, but he had no idea where to go.
---
Craig looked down on the face of the man sleeping beside him. Lee's thick black hair seemed to shimmer brightly in the soft glow of the bedrooms subdued lighting. The duvet lay crumpled near his waist, giving Craig a perfect view of the man's firmly toned chest as it rose and fell with the breaths of his slumber.
Touching his fingertips lightly to Lee's skin Craig noticed how much paler his colouring was compared to the rich deep tan of his lover, just like John Paul's skin always looked so very fair against Craig's. Craig shook his head to try and dislodge the image and thoughts of John Paul from his mind, they had no place there and Craig shouldn't be thinking of another man while he was lying in bed with his boyfriend.
Lee mumbled lightly in his sleep, his head turning to face Craig and a soft smile flickering over his lips. There was no denying how handsome Lee was. He had the kind of sculpted looks that belonged to a Hollywood movie star and it always surprised Craig that such a man would have chosen someone as plain and ordinary as him.
Craig had often seen the admiring looks, from both women and men, when they entered a room together and he had to admit that he enjoyed the flashes of jealousy that would glint in their eyes. But then the people who envied what Craig had with Lee had no idea of what else came with such a relationship.
Watching Lee's gentle features as he slept Craig found it hard to reconcile that man with the one who would get so angry when Craig did something wrong and would sometimes strike him in a valiant attempt to show Craig the error of his ways.
The first time it had happened Craig had been shocked, both by the fact that he would allow himself to be hit but also that Lee could turn so violent so quickly. If such a thing had ever happened to one of his sisters Craig would have been the first to tell them to get away, and quickly. This was different however. It wasn't that Lee was cruel or that he wanted to hurt Craig. Lee had explained so many times how hitting Craig hurt him just as much, but sometimes Craig just needed showing. There were so many occasions that Craig hadn't realised what he was doing until Lee let him know later how wrong he'd been. He didn't know he'd been flirting with that man or looking too closely at that woman. He didn't know that he'd made the tea too sweet or that the toast was too burnt. Craig didn't know and so Lee had to teach him. Because Lee loved him. It was an act of love.
---
"How you feeling?"
John Paul's eyes widened in surprise, he had expected the barman to leave once he'd been taken for treatment. He knew he'd been a while as he'd had x-rays taken to ensure no pieces of glass were left embedded in his hand before his cuts could be stitched, and yet the fair-haired man was still waiting as John Paul walked through reception.
"Yeah… thanks… turns out I'll live." John Paul replied with a smile. "You didn't have to wait you know…"
The barman shrugged his shoulders as he got to his feet. "I had nothing better to do," he said simply before holding out his hand. "I never introduced myself… I'm Liam."
John Paul reached out his own hand before stopping with a smile at the bandages that covered it.
"Yeah maybe shaking your hand isn't a good idea just at the moment," Liam said with a laugh.
"Probably not," John Paul agreed. "But I'm… John Paul… and look thanks… for… you know… bringing me here and waiting…"
"Really, don't mention it," Liam said kindly. "So… d'you need a lift home?"
Home. Such a simple word and yet it could mean so much. In his head John Paul thought of home as Hollyoaks. The house that was filled with noise and commotion, that echoed with and life and love. That was home wasn't it? But it hadn't felt like home so much over the past few months. There had been a cold emptiness. In his heart John Paul knew that it wasn't the house that felt that way; it was a feeling that followed John Paul wherever he went, even to Dublin.
"John Paul?" Liam's voice broke into the man's thoughts. "Lift home?"
"I... erm… I'm just visiting," John Paul stammered, "I'm staying at a B&B."
"B&B it is then," Liam replied with a nod. "Unless…"
"Unless?"
"Well… I dunno… we could grab a drink if you like… I imagine after all that whiskey you knocked back today you could probably go a coffee about now."
John Paul laughed softly. He had to admit that his throat was screaming out liquid but more than that, he just didn't want to be alone, not yet.
"A drink would be great," John Paul answered. "But I'd prefer tea."
---
Craig lay on his back staring at the ceiling as he tried to reconcile the events of the day.
His body ached from physical exertion as he stretched out his limbs. Sex with Lee had always been good, right from the very first time the man seemed to know exactly where and how to touch Craig in a way that made his body tremble as he begged for more. But as much as Craig tried to deny it, lying in the stillness of the room with Lee by his side, Craig had to admit that it was only ever sex. True it felt good, hell most of the time it felt amazing as Lee made him climax so hard he almost forgot his own name, but it was still only sex.
A few hours earlier Craig had been holding John Paul in that very bed as they made love. That was the difference. With John Paul he had always made love. It was a connection that went far beyond merely physical. They had made love not only with their bodies but also with their minds and with their hearts and as their bodies joined together so did their souls.
Turning his head Craig looked at Lee. He was sleeping so peacefully, he had no idea that his boyfriend had so easily cheated on him that very day. It was no wonder Lee always got so angry, Craig couldn't deny he deserved it, but it didn't quell the fear in the pit of his stomach at the thought of Lee ever finding out about John Paul. But John Paul was probably on his way back to Hollyoaks by now, far far away… and safe.
---
"So you gonna tell me about it?" Liam asked as he sipped his scalding coffee.
"About what?" John Paul asked as he let the heat from his tea burn into his hands.
"Whatever it was that made you walk into the pub and act like the world was about to end if you couldn't rid it of every last drop of whiskey!"
John Paul laughed, a laugh that sounded hollow to his ears, as he shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno… life… love…"
"Oh THOSE!!! Feel like talking about it… I'm a good listener you know… goes with the job."
"I don't know… I mean…" John Paul lifted his gaze to Liam. The man's soft gentle eyes looked at him with such kindness that it made John Paul want to talk, to tell him everything; even things that he hadn't been able to tell his family… hadn't been able to tell Craig.
"Have you ever loved somebody so completely that without them you're not even sure you really exist?" John Paul began. "But when they're around it's like… it's like you're truly alive for the first time in your life…"
Liam's eyes sparkled with understanding, but he didn't speak. There had been some truth in his words that being a good listener went with the job of barman, and over the years he had honed his skills to perfection. Liam could tell when somebody wanted reassurances and kind words, just like he could tell when they needed to talk, to say the words that needed to be said, sometimes simply to have them voiced and sometimes in the hope that vocalising their thoughts would make the understanding of them come easier.
"I had that kind of love… for a while. And I knew… for the first time I actually understood what all those cheesy love songs and poems were about… being that much in love really does make the world a better place… I knew what it meant to be happy to be… I don't know… complete… I didn't need anything else… anyone else… just the two of us and we could take on the world… we were perfect… so very perfect… and then…"
John Paul paused to look down on the shimmering surface of his tea, two sad blue eyes were reflecting back at him from the drink's surface. They had looked that way for so long now that John Paul found it hard to remember how he looked when he was happy.
"And then?" Liam prompted gently.
"I got scared and I let it fall apart… I thought… I though so many things were important that weren't… I thought so many things mattered that didn't and I let it end… I stood by and let my heart break and then I just walked away… just like that I went from having everything to having nothing… to being nothing…"
John Paul sipped slowly at his drink as he allowed the misery of the situation to envelope him. He had come to Dublin with the hopes of winning back the only love he had ever known only to find that he was too late, that he wasn't needed any more.
"So does she have a name?" Liam asked breaking the silence.
"Sorry?"
"This love that you let get away… does she have a name?"
John Paul let his mouth curl into a soft smile, it was an understandable assumption on Liam's part but John Paul couldn't help wonder if the truth would lessen the man's sympathies.
"Yeah… Craig…"
Liam nodded slowly. "Pretty name," he said in a gently teasing tone that made John Paul smile. "And this Craig… is he the reason you're in Dublin?"
"Is it that obvious?"
"Pretty much… so what happened? I mean if you want to tell me… don't think I'm pushing or anything… it's just… well you look like you could do with someone to talk to…"
John Paul smiled his gratitude. If it wasn't for Liam he would have been sitting in a lonely room in an unfamiliar city so close to the only thing in life he needed and yet so far from ever being able to reach it.
"I was too late… I went to see Craig… to tell him I was wrong… that letting him go was the biggest mistake of my life and…"
"He didn't want to know?"
"I… I don't know… at first OK he was angry with me… but then…" John Paul hesitated, as understanding as Liam was being he wasn't certain just how much detail the man would want to know. "Then we… you know… and I thought everything was gonna be OK."
"But it wasn't?"
"No… he threw me out… he's met someone else… replaced me… serves me right I suppose… I left it too long… god why did I wait so long… I knew what I wanted why didn't I just let him know months ago?"
---
It was a couple of weeks into the New Year when Craig first met Lee. He had finally given up hope of receiving a reply to his Christmas text and decided the next best course of action was to go out and get drunk.
Craig had been sitting alone in the corner of the pub when the handsome dark haired stranger placed a bottle of lager before him before taking a seat across the table.
"You look like you need that," Lee said with a warm inviting smile.
"Thanks," Craig replied, uncertain why the man wanted to buy him a drink but already too drunk to care.
They had talked for several hours that night, although Craig could later recall very little of what was said and then, by the end of the evening, when Lee leaned over the table and kissed him Craig felt no reason to resist.
Somebody wanted him and if it wasn't John Paul, well at least it was somebody.
The irony of the situation wasn't lost on Craig as he kissed a virtual stranger in the middle of the pub, when he couldn't do that very same thing for John Paul at the airport a few months earlier.
Maybe Craig had changed in those few months, or maybe now he just didn't have any reason left to care.
Craig had often wondered later, if he'd known how things were to end up with Lee would he have walked away then? The painful truth was that he knew he probably wouldn't. Craig had needed to feel again and even the pain of a fist in his stomach or an arm pressing hard against his throat had to be better than the awful numbness that had become all too familiar.
---
"So you give up now do you?" Liam asked as he drained the last of his coffee from his cup.
"What else do I do?"
"Fight? Try again?" Liam suggested.
"What's the point," John Paul asked with a defeated sigh.
Liam reached across the table and held John Paul's undamaged hand tightly.
"Isn't it better to regret those things you have done rather than those you haven't?" He said firmly. "Earlier you asked if I'd ever known a love that made you feel complete… well yeah I did… I had that kind of love once as well… and just like you I let it get away from me."
"What happened?"
"I didn't think I was good enough for her… and neither did her father… so when he banned us from seeing each other I never argued… I let her go… I didn't fight… and believe me I've lived to regret it… I don't think the chance of that kind of love comes around very often… so when it does it's worth trying to hold onto it… whatever it costs…"
"What happened to her?"
"I don't know… she moved away and I never saw her again…" Liam took a deep breath and looked squarely and deeply into the soft blue eyes of the man opposite him. "John Paul I'm 34 years old and I work all the shifts I can in that pub… not because I need the money but because I'd rather be there than at home on my own… hell I'd even rather sit in casualty with a strange young man and then talk him into coming out for coffee rather than go home too soon… don't make my mistake… if he's worth fighting for… even a little bit… then do it… you might lose but at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what if…"
Liam's words sank deeply into John Paul's mind. The one thing that he was certain of, more than anything else, was that he loved Craig so completely that nothing else mattered, and if that kind of love wasn't worth fighting for then what else in the world ever could be?
"Come on," Liam said with a smile as he got to his feet, "you look tired, time I got you back to that B&B of yours."
---
John Paul turned his face into the warmth of the sun and, taking a deep breath, he smiled. The day seemed brighter and filled with hope; even the constant aching throb of his hand did nothing to dampen his mood.
When Liam had finally dropped John Paul back at his bed and breakfast the previous evening he hadn't known how to thank the man. Not for the lift, or even for waiting at the hospital all that time, but for reminding John Paul what was important. For making him remember that some things were worth fighting for and none more so than love, none more so than his love for Craig.
John Paul didn't want to spend the rest of his life regretting his choices, always wishing that he had at least tried. There was a chance that Craig would turn him away but there was also a chance that he wouldn't. There was a chance that Lee was the great love of Craig's life but there was also a chance that he wasn't. The only thing that John Paul was certain of was that his love for Craig hadn't lessened in all the time they had been apart and Craig had to know that, he had to know how sorry John Paul was for giving up on him and he had to know that John Paul would never stop loving him, not for the rest of his days.
The door leading into the block of flats was as grimy as John Paul remembered and the greasy fingerprints that were smeared over the glass seemed to shimmer under the rays of sunlight that bounced from it. John Paul chuckled softly to himself as he imagined his mother's reaction to such a filthy pane of glass, and he could almost picture her polishing it vigorously until it shone like it must have once done, possibly many years previously.
Pushing open the outside door John Paul stepped from the bright warmth of the sun into the cool gloom of the corridor, shivering slightly as a sudden chill ran the length of his spine. There was nothing welcoming or inviting about the passageway that led to Craig's flat and John Paul felt a strange sensation of unease as he made his way quickly to Craig's door.
John Paul raised his hand and rapped his knuckles firmly against the solid wood. There was no hesitation this time. The uncertainty he had experience the day before seemed to have long since left him. There were two things in John Paul's life that he was more sure of than anything else. The first was that he loved Craig, with every fibre of his body, heart and soul. The second was that he intended to do whatever it took to convince Craig what they had once shared they could have again, but this time better, stronger and they need never be parted again.
It felt like a lifetime before the sound of a lock opening could be heard and the door to Craig's flat slowly creaked open. John Paul couldn't keep the smile from his lips as the image of Craig appeared in the doorway. Dressed in nothing but jeans the man looked perfectly edible and it took all of John Paul's self control not to ravish him there on the doorstep.
"John Paul… what… what are you doing here?" Craig's eyes flicked from the corridor to John Paul's face as he spoke and there was a strange sense of unease about the man.
"Craig I couldn't just… I couldn't leave it like that… we need to talk… please Craig, just let me explain." John Paul said gently, reaching out a hand to make contact with Craig's bare skin but the man flinched and stepped out of the way.
"No… no you've gotta go… he'll… you've just gotta go… there's nothing left to say John Paul, please just go…"
Grabbing the door Craig made an attempt to close it but John Paul put his foot in the way, he wasn't about to give up again, not that easily.
"I love you Craig." John Paul's azure eyes sparkled with the sincerity of his words and the sound of them made Craig want to weep.
"Why?" The word slipped from Craig's lips in a breath and he wasn't even certain that he had said it.
"Craig… what is it… what's wrong?" John Paul's brow wrinkled with concern. Craig seemed different somehow, distracted, nervous and John Paul couldn't understand what had changed in the space of a day. "Craig please tell me… what… what's that?" As Craig took another step back a beam of light from the window fell across his chest and illuminated a pattern of purple bruising that was half hidden under the natural colour of his skin.
Following John Paul's gaze Craig felt a wash of shame. He didn't want John Paul to see him like that, to see how worthless he was that Lee had to teach him how to be better.
"It's nothing," Craig lied, raising a hand to try and cover the marks, "I fell… please John Paul will you just go?"
Confusion raced through Craig's mind. He so desperately wanted to fall into the strength of John Paul's arms and let the man take all the pain away. Just like he had managed the day before when he had reminded Craig what a gentle touch could feel like and, for a few precious hours, Craig had genuinely been able to forget everything else in his life.
But Craig couldn't do that, not now. Lee was due back at any second and if he found John Paul there…
"Shit…" Craig could feel sickness and panic welling up inside him as the door at the end of the corridor swung open and a dark haired figure appeared. It was already too late.
Lee strode the length of the corridor, his wide strides bringing him quickly to the open door of the flat where his boyfriend was standing bare chested, talking to an attractive blonde man.
"Lee…" Craig said with a forced smile as his boyfriend leaned forward to press a possessive kiss to Craig's cheek, his eyes never leaving the face of the stranger. "This is John Paul… he's… he's an old friend from back home… just stopped by to say hello while he was in the area." Craig held his breath as he silently prayed that John Paul wouldn't contradict the lies that had frantically spilled from his tongue.
"Nice to meet you," John Paul said with a forced smile. There was something about Lee that John Paul didn't like and it ran deeper than just the fact that he was Craig's new boyfriend. There was something cold in the man's deep dark eyes that gave John Paul chills and left him with a desperate need to get Craig away from him as quickly as possible.
"You too," Lee replied with a smile that showed the dazzling white of his teeth. "Coming in for a coffee?"
"No," Craig blurted out. "I… err… I mean John Paul's gotta be going… Don't you?" Craig's soft brown eyes pleaded with John Paul to agree and he knew, for that moment at least, he had no choice but to leave.
"Yeah… I do have stuff to do… but nice to meet you… err… Lee wasn't it?" John Paul fought back the urge to grab Craig's hand and run. He knew he was being irrational but something about the situation felt so wrong and he couldn't work out what it was.
Craig moved aside as Lee stepped through the doorway into the flat. As the door closed Craig hesitated, his hand briefly touching John Paul's chest.
"Thank you," Craig breathed in a voice so low that John Paul could hardly hear it.
"I am coming back," John Paul whispered back as the door closed in his face.
---
"He seemed nice," Lee said calmly as he looked Craig up and down slowly.
"Yeah… yeah… he's a mate from…"
"Back home… you said." Taking off his jacket Lee hung it on the back of the door before turning back to face Craig. Guilt was written all over Craig's face and the sight of it made Lee's blood boil. "How long's he been here?"
"In Dublin?"
"In this flat?"
"He hasn't," Craig insisted, "I mean… he'd only just arrived… just before you… honestly Lee he didn't come in… I know you don't like people being in the flat when you're not here."
"And what's the idea of answering the door half naked like that?" With a single stride Lee was directly before Craig, his palm flat against the man's chest as his eyes burned fiercely into Craig's.
"I… I thought it was you…"
"I have a key. Why would I be knocking?"
"I don't know… I thought you'd forgotten it… I'm not… please Lee don't…" Craig stumbled backwards until the back of the sofa halted his progress.
"Did you shag him?" Lee's hands gripped tightly onto Craig's forearms making the man wince.
"No… of course not… I told you, he just got here…"
"If I find out you're lying to me…" Lee's face was only inches from Craig's and he could feel the man's hot breath against his skin.
"I'm not… I swear…"
Lee's hands fell from Craig's arms and he turned his back on the man. "Put the kettle on, I fancy a brew," Lee said in a voice that held no hint of the menace he had projected only seconds early.
Craig made his way into the kitchen on shaky legs. Sometimes the threat of violence could be more frightening than the physical act but the worst was never knowing, never being certain if he was going to be greeted with a smile or a slap.
---
John Paul stood in the street, letting the warmth of the sun take the chill from his bones. Every last atom of his being wanted to race back into that flat and save Craig, but he didn't even know if the man actually needed saving, or what he might need saving from.
One thing John Paul was certain of was that he needed to talk to Craig and he needed to do it when Lee wasn't around.
With a sigh John Paul set off down the street. He needed time to think, but he had meant what he told Craig. He was coming back.