"Call me. We need to talk. Please. I love you. JP."
Lee's knuckles whitened as his fingers wrapped tightly around Craig's mobile and his teeth ground together in anger. So they were just old friends were they? Since when did old friends text I love you? He knew that Craig had been hiding something, he should have said more last night. He should have made Craig tell the truth. Lee was always good at making Craig tell him the truth. Making Craig do as he was told.
With a press of Lee's thumb the text message was deleted and Craig's phone placed back on the table. Craig didn't need to know that man had sent the text. Craig didn't need that man. He didn't need anyone but Lee and Lee was determined to make Craig realise that.
Craig's chest rose and fell gently as he slept. His head rested contentedly on the pillow and his thick dark lashes were feathered across his cheeks.
Lee moved to sit on the edge of the bed and ran his finger nails lightly over Craig's soft cheek, travelling them down over the man's neck before letting his fingers rest around Craig's throat. Lee tightened his grip a fraction making the man in the bed mumble lightly in his sleep.
There were times when Lee held Craig by the throat that he imagined what it would feel like to increase the pressure a little bit more and not let go until the whimpering choking sounds stopped completely and Craig fell limply to the ground. Lee had never quite had the courage, or maybe enough provocation, to actually let things get that far, but now, with the image of that blonde man burning in his mind Lee felt his thumb pressing hard into the hollow of Craig's throat and he wasn't certain he wanted to stop.
With a gasp Craig's eyes shot open and Lee's hand snapped back quickly.
"Morning," Lee said brightly as Craig rubbed at his sleepy eyes.
"Hey," Craig replied with a small smile, "What time is it?"
"Doesn't matter… day off remember… so what d'you fancy doing today?"
Lee was smiling but the darkness in his eyes made Craig feel nervous. He knew how quickly Lee's mood could change and he knew the slightest thing could trigger that swing. What Craig never knew was what that slight thing would be as the criteria seemed to change in an instant.
"Whatever you want," Craig said, stroking his hand lightly over Lee's bare arm. "You decide… I'll do whatever you like."
Lee grinned to himself. There was never any question about who would decide the day's activities. Craig did as he was told and if he didn't like it… well that didn't really matter did it?
Lee pulled the duvet back until Craig's chest was revealed, allowing Lee to run his hand over the warm smooth skin.
"How about I keep you tied to this bed all day," Lee said in a low voice, "And I have my wicked way with you over and over again until you beg me to stop…" Lee smiled as he spoke, his voice carrying a hint of teasing and a full measure of menace.
Craig swallowed nervously. He had no doubt that Lee was perfectly capable of providing the day he described, just as he knew that he would make no attempt to prevent him.
"Or maybe," Lee continued, leaning closer to Craig until their faces were merely inches apart and Craig could feel the man's breath hot against his skin. "Maybe we should invite someone else around and I can watch while they have a go at you… what d'you think about that?"
Craig felt his body tense at Lee's words and a deep panic grip at his chest.
"Lee don't… please that's not…"
Lee's hand covered Craig's mouth to silence him.
"What about that friend of yours?" Lee said, letting his hand slide from Craig's lips to once again curl around his throat. "That John Paul… I bet he'd love a ride of my Craig… I bet you'd like that too… unless you've already had him… What d'you say? Shall we invite him round so I can watch him shag you? Would you like that Craig?"
"Lee… I…" Craig's voice trembled as Lee's grip on his throat held him firmly. Lee knew, somehow he knew, or at least suspected and he was planning to hurt John Paul. Please god, Craig thought to himself, Don't let him hurt John Paul. "Lee… me and… me and John Paul we're just…" Craig seemed to trip over the words as he spoke.
"Just mates, I know," Lee said with a laugh, his hand releasing Craig as he sat upright. "I'm only teasing… come on… get dressed and we'll go out."
---
"Hey babes… how's it going?" Jacqui's voice was bright and the sound felt comforting as John Paul held his phone to his ear.
"Hey Jacs… I… I don't really know…"
"You've seen Craig though?"
"Yeah…"
"And?"
"He's… he's changed… I mean really changed…" John Paul chewed his lips thoughtfully as he recalled his two meetings with the beautiful dark haired man.
"Well it's been a while John Paul," Jacqui reasoned, "People DO change… it's just one of those things… But what about you and him? Is there any chance?"
John Paul sighed. "I thought so at first… I mean we… It was like old times but then… he's met someone else Jac… another bloke."
"Bloody hell!" Jacqui exclaimed. "That I didn't see coming…"
"Nor me," John Paul admitted.
"I'm sorry babes… maybe we should never have got you that ticket…"
"No… No I'm glad you did… there's something… there's something not right Jac." John Paul closed his eyes as he tried to pinpoint the dark niggling doubt at the back of his mind.
"What sort of not right…"
"I'm not sure… It's just a feeling but…"
John Paul let the events of the past two days replay in his mind. Everything had been comprehensible until that text. John Paul had understood Craig's initial anger, just like he had been able to feel Craig's love and desire, but that was all wiped away by one text message as if the Craig he knew had been switched off.
There had been a panic in Craig's voice as he begged John Paul to go, but John Paul had put that down to him not wanting his boyfriend to catch him cheating. That was reasonable, understandable and yet there was still something else… something deeper.
John Paul's mind moved on to the following day. To the look in Craig's eyes as he opened the door. The way Craig's gaze constantly flitted to the outer door in anticipation of Lee's arrival. The pattern of bruising across Craig's chest that had been caused by a "fall". The look in Craig's eyes as Lee approached. The look that was…
"Oh shit!" It was so obvious, how couldn't he see it sooner?
"John Paul love what is it?"
"Sorry Jac… I've gotta go… He… I… I'll call you later."
John Paul was already out of the door before he had ended the call, grabbing his coat on the way.
That look in Craig's eyes, the look John Paul had searched to name, the look that grew stronger and deeper as soon as Lee arrived.
John Paul knew what that look was.
It was called fear.
---
Craig slipped his arms into his jacket and, pulling it tightly around him, he turned to Lee with a child-like expectancy.
"So where are we going… Do I look OK?"
Lee's features were expressionless as he let his gaze travel lazily over the figure of the man before him.
Craig's tight black jeans hugged the shape of his firm thighs, his snug white shirt was open at the top to reveal a tantalising peak of tanned skin and the leather jacket thrown over it accentuated Craig's overall appearance perfectly.
Lee couldn't remember the last time he had seen Craig looking quite that desirable and he was tempted to divest the man of his clothing at that very moment.
"Is that the best you can do?" Lee said dismissively.
"I… I can change if you like…" Craig replied crestfallen as his eyes dropped to the floor.
"Well you could have made more of an effort… still I'm not hanging around here wasting any more time and it's not as if anyone's gonna be looking at YOU anyway." Lee sneered as he opened the front door.
Craig shuffled through the doorway with his head hung low. "Why would anyone want too be looking at me when you're around?" He said quietly.
Lee grinned his satisfaction as he gave Craig a shove to make him hurry up. He knew very well the number of head's that would turn as Craig passed by, but he was going to make damn certain that Craig didn't notice them. He couldn't let the man get any ideas above his station, couldn't have him thinking there was anything better out there for him.
---
John Paul was breathless by the time he reached Craig's building and had to pause for a moment, his hands resting on his thighs as he pulled much needed air into his lungs. After calls to three taxi firms John Paul had been frustrated to learn that none of them had a car available for at least twenty minutes. There was no way he could wait that long and so, with a determination he hadn't felt in a long time, John Paul was soon sprinting through the streets of Dublin. Every pounding step was bringing him closer to Craig and at the same time increasing the panic that was building in his chest.
John Paul had cursed himself as he ran. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen the signs immediately. Craig had looked so scared, so intimidated, as if there was nothing left of the Dean confidence at all.
The angry blonde man swore a thousand different forms of revenge on the person who had dared to treat Craig so badly, whilst at the same time trying to block out the little voice that hinted at John Paul's own part in Craig's current situation. "If you hadn't left him… If he hadn't been on his own… If you'd only replied to Craig's text…"
Wiping the sting of tears roughly from his eyes John Paul pushed opened the outer door of the building and strode purposefully inside.
---
"So where are we going?" Craig asked as he walked a step or two behind Lee through the busy Dublin streets.
"Thought we'd go the pub," Lee replied without turning his head.
"Oh." Craig felt a little deflated. When Lee had suggested a day out Craig had anticipated something more than a trip to the local.
"What?" Lee spun around sharply, causing Craig to walk into him. Lee's hands connected with Craig's shoulders, shoving him back firmly making Craig stumble and almost lose his footing. "The pub not good enough for you is it?" Lee snarled.
"No… no… I didn't mean anything… I wasn't saying…"
"Or maybe you think I'M not good enough for you… is that it?"
"God Lee no… I would never think that… Honestly I… I…" No matter how many times he came close Craig had never been able to tell Lee that he loved him. He wanted him and needed him but the word love never quite made it to his lips, never quite felt right.
"Cause if you think anyone else is ever gonna want the likes of you…" The venom in Lee's voice made Craig shrink back. He was right, Lee was always right. No one else was ever going to look at Craig the way Lee did, no one else would ever want to look after him, no one else was ever going to want him.
For an instant a flash of bright blue eyes sparked deep inside Craig's brain. John Paul wanted you. Craig pushed the thought quickly away. John Paul walked away, John Paul left me… Lee never left… No matter how useless I am Lee never gives up on me.
---
"Craig… Craig let me in… open the door… Craig please…"
John Paul banged his fist against the door to Craig's flat; kicking with frustration at it the longer no one answered.
Was Craig inside unwilling to answer, or unable?
John Paul felt a heavy sickness in the pit of his stomach as his mind cruelly ran through a dozen possible reasons why Craig couldn't answer the door, each one worse than the last until John Paul felt the deep fear that he had witnessed in those soft brown eyes.
"Craig please… for god's sake let me in… just let me know you're OK…" John Paul held back a sob as he yelled in vain at the solid wood before him as he tried to calculate exactly how much force it would take to break in.
"They've gone out love."
John Paul's head snapped round at the sound of the voice behind him. A short fair-haired woman in her mid fifties was peering through a neighbouring door at the young man who was shouting loud enough to rouse the whole building.
"Sorry?" John Paul said as he took a step towards the woman.
"The young fella who lives there… and that other one… I saw them go out about five minutes ago."
"I don't suppose you know where they went?"
"They're not gonna tell the likes of me are they?" The woman replied with a grimace. "Especially not that fella that visits… strutting around like he owns the place… nasty piece of work if you ask me…"
"Why… what… what d'you know about them?" John Paul's heart was racing in his chest as the woman spoke, his concern growing by the second.
"Well I'm not one to gossip," she said, leaning against the doorframe with an expression that contradicted her claim. "But there's something very unsavoury going on with those two lads… Now I've nothing against the gays… what those boys do when they're alone is no one else's business… and that young one… that Craig lad… well he was a nice pleasant lad when he first moved in… bit quiet but always polite… always happy to help carry your shopping in… then he met that other one…"
"And what happened?"
The woman looked around her as if checking that she wasn't being over heard. "Well there's always shouting going on these days… and that poor lad… well I've heard him begging that other one not to hit him before now… not that it does any good I would say… judging by the black eyes I've seen over the last couple of months… If you ask me that bastard gets off on that young Craig crying and asking him to stop… I've known his sort before… evil to the core…"
John Paul reached for the support of the wall to steady himself. Deep in his heart he had still hoped that he was wrong; that his fears would prove to be unfounded and Craig would laugh off the idea as the best joke he had heard in a long time.
Deep in his heart John Paul had known that he had failed Craig, leaving him to fall victim to a bully far worse than Sonny Valentine, leaving him and not being there when Craig needed his protection.
"Why has nobody done anything?" John Paul asked in a pained whimper.
"What could someone like me do against a thug like that?" The woman asked with a sadly sympathetic smile. She had hated hearing and seeing Craig's suffering but at the same time she had known that getting involved would solve nothing.
John Paul nodded his understanding. If Lee could treat Craig so badly there was little doubt he would hesitate on using the same violence against anyone who got in his way.
But John Paul wasn't a fifty-year-old woman and he wasn't going to let things continue for one moment longer.
"So… you a friend of his then?"
"I'm trying to be…"
"I hope you can help him…"
"So do I."
---
"Lee wait… I'm sorry…" Craig pleaded with the retreating back of his boyfriend as he jogged down the almost deserted street to keep up with Lee's determined strides.
Lee couldn't keep the grin from his face as Craig begged him to turn around and look at him. The more Craig begged the faster Lee walked as if his steps were fuelled by each desperate word.
"Lee I didn't mean anything… you know I love going to the pub with you… I'd go anywhere with you… please just tell me we're OK…" Craig reached out to grab Lee's shoulder, his breath catching in his throat as he felt the man's muscles tense under his hand.
Lee spun around so quickly that Craig had no time to remove himself from the path of the fist that connected with his jaw, but then even if he had seen the blow coming Craig wouldn't have moved. Lee always got angrier when Craig tried to dodge his punishment and he'd learnt long ago not to make Lee angry if he could help it.
"Now look what you've made me do," Lee spat angrily as a trickle of blood ran from Craig's split lip. "You couldn't just leave it could you? You've always got to go and push me… Do you like it when I get annoyed Craig is that it? Do you enjoy winding me up?"
"No Lee… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…" Craig let his gaze fall to the broken paving stones beneath his feet, his eyes tracing the patterns of the cracks in some vain attempt to distract himself from the feeling of worthlessness that wanted to consume him.
"You never MEAN to do you Craig?" Lee said aggressively with a shove that pushed Craig back against the wall. "It's just who you are… what you are… a snivelling little annoyance that I've been lumbered with… maybe I should just leave you here with the rest of the garbage."
Craig's eyes remained firmly glued to the ground. His jaw ached from the force of the punch and drops of blood were spattering near his feet but he made no effort to raise a hand and staunch the flow.
"God you make me sick sometimes." Lee could feel the anger raging through him like a fire that he had no control over. His fists clenched at his sides and his vision seemed to cloud over. The only real clarity was Craig standing submissively against the wall, accepting whatever Lee chose to do next. Craig passive stance only served to fuel Lee's rage further and without warning his fist connected with Craig's stomach causing the man to groan and double over with pain.
Taking a deep breath Lee raised his hand to strike again but was prevented as, seemingly from nowhere, fingers gripped tightly around his wrist.
"Get your hands off him."
Lee turned to face the blonde man that he had found at Craig's door the day before, his dazzling blue eyes flashing with uncontrolled fury.
"Who the hell d'you think you are telling me what to do?" Lee asked trying to free his arm from the grip that refused to let go.
"You lay one more finger on him…" John Paul growled as Lee looked at him with contempt.
"I'll do whatever I like," Lee gloated, finally managing to wrench his arm from John Paul's grip. "And I don't think you're gonna be the one to stop me."
Lee's fist raced towards John Paul but the man ducked out of the way at the last second, his own punch landing squarely in Lee's middle making the man stagger back with unexpected pain.
Another punch caused Lee to double over before a final crashing blow to his jaw consigned him to the floor.
John Paul's breathing came in short ragged pants as he turned his attention to Craig who was watching with wide-eyed horror.
"What the hell are you doing?" Craig asked immediately rushing to Lee's side and crouching next to him.
"Craig he was…" John Paul began, but was quickly silenced by Craig's glare.
"It's none of your business… you had no right to hit him…"
"HE had no right to hit you… I was trying to protect you…"
"Did I ask you to?" Craig got to his feet and stared John Paul squarely in the eyes. "Go home John Paul… I don't need you here…"
"I'm not leaving you alone with him."
"He's my boyfriend."
"I don't care… you're not safe…"
"He loves me…"
"No," John Paul's eyes softened as he spoke. Their blue becoming a gentle wash of the ocean that soothed Craig's fears like nothing else ever had. "That's not love Craig… I love you." John Paul's words were a soft caress that Craig was scared to lean into.
"You left me… I had no one…" Craig's gentle eyes were filled with confusion and tears and John Paul reached out his bandaged hand to touch lightly at his cheek.
"I know and I'm sorry… I've regretted it every day Craig… If I'd known… Please Craig… even if you don't want me I can't leave you with him…"
"You're nothing without me Craig," Lee said as he got to his feet. "You know you can't cope on your own…"
"He won't be on his own," John Paul said turning to the man, his soft eyes darkening with anger. "Now I suggest you walk away while you can still walk…"
"Don't think this is over," Lee threatened as he staggered away, the words ringing a hollow promise in his ears.
The sound of a sob made John Paul look back at Craig. The dark haired man had fallen back against the wall, his arms wrapped around his knees and he rocked to the sound of his own pain.
"Craig… it's gonna be alright." John Paul promised, getting to his knees and pulling Craig against his chest.
"You don't understand," Craig said desolately. "He's gone… that means I'm alone…"
"No you're not," John Paul reassured him. "You'll never be alone again."
---
Craig allowed John Paul to hold him for some time. The warmth and strength of the man's arms offered a comfort that Craig had been unaware he needed.
When he finally lifted his face Craig noticed something that hadn't registered with him earlier.
"You're hurt."
John Paul followed Craig's gaze to the bandage wrapped around his hand, a few spots of blood staining the white material across the centre of his palm.
"I cut myself the other day," John Paul said by way of an explanation.
"But you're bleeding now." Craig took hold of John Paul's damaged hand, noticing the man wince in pain as he held it.
"I… I think I might have pulled a stitch before when I…"
"When you hit Lee?"
John Paul shrugged. At the time John Paul had felt no pain as he delivered the justice that he thought Lee deserved, but now that the adrenalin rush had faded away his palm throbbed heavily with the ache of the deeps cuts that had barely begun healing.
"You think I'm pathetic don't you?" Craig asked getting to his feet.
"No of course not…"
"You must do… and I am… letting Lee… putting up with all that." Craig rubbed his hands over his face as if sudden exhaustion had overtaken him. With a sigh Craig turned and began to walk away slowly.
"Craig… what are you gonna do?" John Paul asked, uncertain for a moment if he should follow.
"I don't know," Craig answered not bothering to look back. "It's not like he'll come back now."
Quickly racing to Craig's side John Paul gripped the man's shoulder to halt his progress.
"Craig you wouldn't take him back would you?"
Craig didn't answer; in truth he didn't even know the answer. Despite everything life with Lee had felt simple. Lee had somehow taken control of Craig's world and given it direction. Somewhere buried deep inside Craig had known that the price he was paying for that direction was unacceptable, but as long as he ignored that feeling life didn't seem so empty, not like it had done for the months before Lee found him.
For months Craig had felt lost and alone. His plans for a "happy ever after" had been torn apart leaving him with nothing. For months Craig had convinced himself that there was some innate flaw within him that made people leave him in the end. For months Craig had been on his own… until Lee.
"I've got to go," Craig said with a sigh as he turned from John Paul again.
"Where to?"
"I don't know… home?"
"Craig…" John Paul reached for Craig's hands, holding them tightly and ignoring the sharp pain in his palm. "Let me help you… please."
John Paul's bright blue eyes seemed to shine with a glow sent straight from heaven as Craig looked into them but he was afraid to believe what they promised, he'd believed once before.
"Why are you here?" Craig asked quietly. "Why now after all this time…"
John Paul chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully before he answered. It would have been easy to be vague; to omit a few simple facts, but Craig deserved the truth. After everything he had been through Craig deserved better than to be told more lies.
"It wasn't my idea," John Paul replied, letting go of Craig's hands and turning away. "I was trying to forget you… pretend what we had… what we were didn't matter anymore… didn't hurt anymore…"
John Paul looked down at his hands as he spoke, his eyes tracing the pattern of blood across his palm as he searched for the words to make Craig understand, to make Craig not turn him away.
"And I thought I was doing well… convincing everyone… convincing myself… but I never could fool Jacqui… whatever I've done in my life Jacqui has been able to see straight through me… she could always see the truth – even before I could."
"What did she do?" Craig asked as John Paul turned back to face him.
"She got me plane tickets… told me I needed to come here… needed to know… and she was right… I do."
"What," Craig said swallowing heavily as the fire from John Paul's eyes seemed to burn through to his soul. "What do you need to know?"
"If you can forgive me… for leaving you like that… for letting you down… if you still love me." John Paul's voice was a whisper as he spoke and his gaze fell from Craig's eyes as if he was afraid to see the answer reflected in those gentle pools of liquid chocolate.
---
Mrs Thompson had lived in her flat for almost ten years. In that time she had seen many other tenants come and go. Some of them had become friends while others she barely knew. Some she had liked and other she'd had no time for. But in all that time she'd never met anyone like Lee before.
There was a cruelness in the young man's eyes that chilled her to the bone and a violence that she knew had been visited on the younger man countless times.
Mrs Thompson had wanted so many times to knock on Craig's door and ask if he was alright. To intercede and maybe prevent another black eye or another split lip, but fear for her own safety had always held her back. There was no doubt in her mind that her age and sex would still Lee's hand if she tried to get in the way.
The young blonde man who had been looking for Craig earlier couldn't have been more different. It wasn't just his physical appearance that made him markedly different to Lee it was the spirit of the man that shone from his eyes. Those gentle blue pools had radiated a kindness and understanding that Mrs Thompson hoped would be enough to save Craig before Lee's violence went too far and she had been praying, since he left, that the blonde man was strong enough to bring back the young man who had first arrived at those flats several months earlier.
---
"Well?" The silence felt as if it had lasted for hours rather than the few minutes that had really elapsed and John Paul needed to know the answer, whatever it was.
"Does it matter?" Craig asked after another pause.
"Of course it matters…"
"I loved you before and it wasn't enough," Craig said sadly. "I loved you more than anything else in this world and it still wasn't good enough… You left me John Paul… You tore my heart out and you left me to come here with nothing… Do you know how that felt? I came here and I had nothing… I felt like I was nothing…" Craig's voice was tinged with anger as he spoke and each word cut into John Paul far deeper than the broken glass had when it lacerated his hand.
"I guess that answers the 'if you can forgive me' part of the question," John Paul said quietly, "But what about the other part… do you still love me Craig… do you?"
Craig sighed as he rubbed at some private irritation at the back of his neck. Why did life always have to get so complicated? Why did John Paul have to turn up and remind him of the way things used to be?
"I should get back to the flat," Craig replied as he turned to walk away.
John Paul watched Craig's retreating back for a second until the man stopped and looked back at him.
"Coming?"
---
"Craig… I've been waiting for you to get back love."
"Mrs Thompson, what's wrong?" Craig looked at the woman with concern as she peered through the gap in her doorway.
"That Lee was here… in your flat … I don't know what he was doing, but he made an awful racket."
John Paul and Craig exchanged worried looks, neither of them noticing as their fingers sought the reassurance of each other curling together in a firm hold.
"He's not still in there is he?" John Paul asked calmly. It had taken all of his self-control to limit his attack on Lee to a few blows but he wasn't certain that he could be so restrained again, and the last thing he wanted Craig to witness was more violence.
"No… I was watching for him… he left a few minutes ago."
"Thanks Mrs T." Craig said with the first genuine smile she had seen on the young man's face for such a long time.
"Be careful lads," She warned kindly, "He's a wrong un that one."
Mrs Thompson watched as the two young men headed down the corridor to Craig's flat. She had know, as soon as she saw the anger in Lee's eyes and the purple bruising around his jaw, that for once Lee hadn't had things all his own way, just as she had known that he wouldn't give up that easily. But seeing the look in Craig's eyes, the lack of immediate fear, gave his neighbour hope that things would, eventually, work out fine.
Craig opened his front door with trepidation; he anticipated the worst but was still shocked by the sight that confronted him. No piece of furniture was left upright, photographs and crockery were smashed and scattered around the room and the sofa was slashed through its centre, the filling oozing from the gash like a flow of white blood.
"What's he done?" Craig gasped, turning to John Paul with a look of horror in his eyes.
"It's alright," John Paul said reassuringly as they both stepped into the flat and closed the door behind them.
"Alright? Look at the place… he's destroyed it."
"It doesn't matter, it's only things…" John Paul's arm found its way around Craig's shaking shoulders as the two men surveyed the devastation that Lee had wreaked in the flat. Craig saw the remnants of his life, torn to shreds and scattered around him. John Paul saw damaged possessions that could be repaired or replaced and felt relief that Lee had take his frustrations out on such inanimate objects rather than on the man at his side.
"Come on," John Paul said with an enforced brightness, "I'll help you clear up… it won't take us that long together."
For fourty-five minutes the two men put their minds and their bodies to straightening the flat. Righting the furniture and clearing away the debris until it almost looked habitable again. The slash through the sofa was patched with tape and a chair jammed against the door to prevent any unwanted visitors.
"We need to get that lock changed," John Paul said as he dropped his aching body onto the damaged sofa.
"We?" Craig questioned as he fell onto the cushion beside the blonde haired man.
"Well I mean… you know… I'll help you get it changed…"
"You know a lot about changing locks do you?"
John Paul laughed softly. "You'd be surprised at the skills you pick up when you're a McQueen!"
The two men sat together in companionable silence for a while, enjoying the peace that seemed to settle over the room.
"Craig?" John Paul said finally breaking the quiet.
"Hmm?"
"How… how did it get to this… how did you let…" John Paul hesitated. The last thing he wanted to do was make Craig feel worse but he couldn't understand how the strong man he had known could allow himself to become a victim like that.
"I'm not sure," Craig replied, answering the question that was never fully asked.
John Paul instinctively raised his hand to stroke his fingers lightly through Craig's hair, making Craig relax into his soothing touch. Gradually Craig's body began to lean closer into John Paul's until finally the man's arms were around him and his head was resting against John Paul's chest.
"He seemed nice at first," Craig said in a low voice, half talking to John Paul and half reminiscing to himself. "I'd been so lonely since I got here and he made me feel good about myself again… wanted…"
John Paul closed his eyes as Craig spoke. Craig's words tore at his heart as images of the man, alone and vulnerable, filled his mind. Despite the logic that told him Lee and only Lee was responsible for hurting Craig the voices remained, whispering deep inside John Paul's heart, that if he hadn't left Craig that day then Lee would never have had the opportunity.
"But why did you stay with him… after…?" John Paul asked quietly, not wanting to know the answer but still needing to.
"At first I thought… I thought maybe it was a one-off… we'd been drinking and he was upset with me so I let it go… and then the second time… I don't know…everything I did seemed to make him angry… I tried so hard not to but I always did something wrong… and I was so scared of being left on my own again…"
"Oh Craig I'm so sorry…" Warm tears tumbled down John Paul's cheeks as he held Craig tightly against his chest.
"It's not your fault," Craig replied, lifting his face to John Paul's. "You know me… I always manage to annoy people…"
"Craig… It's not YOUR fault… tell me you get that… what Lee did… you didn't deserve any of it."
"You know how angry I can make people," Craig reasoned with a smile, "You used to get really angry with me sometimes…"
"But only because…"
"Because you loved me?"
John Paul winced at the use of the same words Craig had used to justify Lee's violence.
"I would never have hit you," John Paul said firmly.
"You might have… if you'd stayed… maybe that's just how I make people feel…"
"No." John Paul stroked Craig's face gently as he spoke. "No matter how angry I got I would never have done that… that's not love Craig… and you never deserved it… not once…"
Craig sighed gently as emotional and physical exhaustion washed over him. Closing his eyes he let the warmth of John Paul's embrace calm his confusion as John Paul's fingers combed lightly through his hair.
John Paul's touch was so gentle, it reminded him of how gently the man had held him two days earlier as they made love, how he had been able to forget everything but that beautiful man and how much love they had once shared.
"Nobody's ever gonna hurt you like that again Craig," John Paul promised quietly. "Not ever again… I won't let them.
---
Yawning softly John Paul stretched out his arms as he slowly opened his eyes. The afternoon had given way to dusk and the room was bathed in shadows that danced against the walls to the music of the traffic outside. He didn't know exactly when he had drifted off into sleep, or how long he had slept for, but it was certain that a few hours had passed since he brought Craig back to the flat.
Sitting up quickly John Paul looked around the room; Craig was no longer by his side and a moments panic raced through his flesh. When his eyes reached the front door John Paul breathed a sigh of relief seeing that the chair was still wedged firmly in place and, seconds later, he heard the sound of movement in the kitchen.
John Paul closed his eyes again and let the panic subside. Craig was there… and safe… and for now that was all that mattered.
A sudden vibration in his pocket startled John Paul and he jumped clumsily to his feet, fishing in his pocket for his ringing mobile.
"Hey Jac," John Paul said in greeting as he answered his sister's call.
"John Paul… is everything alright love? You hung up so suddenly before and I've been waiting for you to call back." Jacqui's tone was heavy with concern and John Paul drew comfort and strength from the woman's voice. Jacqui McQueen could face down a lion and walk away without a scratch, her younger brother had one pathetic loser to deal with and one beautiful broken man to look after, he hoped that had some of the McQueen strength now, when he needed it the most.
"I'm sorry Jac… I never thought… It's just…" John Paul turned around slowly to make sure Craig wasn't within earshot before he carried on. "It's such a mess Jac… Craig he… I… I don't really know what to do…"
"What is it… what's happened?"
"You know I said he was seeing someone… a bloke… god Jac he's just vile…"
"Well to be fair John Paul, you were never gonna like a new fella in Craig's life were you?" John Paul could almost picture his sister's reasonable smile as she spoke.
John Paul laughed sadly. "It's not that Jac… I mean yeah I hate the idea of Craig having someone else… having a bloke but… shit Jac this guy's been… he's been knocking him about…"
"You're kidding," Jacqui replied with surprise.
"I… I didn't see it at first but… but he's got all these bruises and he's… he's so scared… and then… then I went looking for Craig and I saw… Jac I saw that bastard hitting him… he was just laying into him and Craig was standing there taking it… like it was OK – like he deserved it…"
"Bloody hell John Paul," Jacqui said with anger in her voice, "I hope to god you stepped in."
"Course I did… I mean I wouldn't let that happen to anyone… especially not Craig."
"Good… cause if I'd been there I would have chopped the bastards bollocks off!"
John Paul let out a laugh, it felt good to have that momentary release but he also knew that, had Jacqui been there then Lee could very well be missing parts of his anatomy by now.
"So what are you gonna do?" Jacqui asked after a pause.
"I don't know," John Paul admitted. Walking over to the window he leant his head against the cool glass and stared out over the darkening city beyond. "I can't leave him though Jac… no it's not that… I won't leave him… I don't want to. I love him Jac… I mean I always have but I think I'd forgotten – or tried to forget – just how it felt to be with him… how much he completes me… even now – with everything that's happening I still feel more alive than I have done for months cause I'm with Craig… and nothing in this world is gonna make me give that up again… nothing and no one."
"It sounds to me like you know what you want to do," Jacqui said with a smile.
"Yeah… yeah I guess I do… I should have done it back in September and I could have saved him all of this…" John Paul sighed with regret. Never, for one second, could he have anticipated that his choice that day would have had such far-reaching consequences.
"HEY!" Jacqui admonished, "Don't you go blaming yourself… none of this is your fault."
"That's exactly what I told Craig!"
"Well then we're both right! So you're staying in Dublin then?"
"There's nowhere else I want to be… no one else I want to be with… I don't even know if he still loves me Jac… I hope he does but… but whatever happens I'm not letting him down again… I love him… more than… more than anything… more than my own life."
"Well then you've gotta try haven't you… but be careful John Paul."
"I will…and thanks Jac… thanks for everything."
John Paul continued to rest his head against the window for a few seconds after ending his call before he felt Craig's presence in the room.
The dark haired man was holding two mugs of tea and a small smile played curiously about his lips.
"He didn't break everything," Craig said gesturing at the mug as he moved further into the room.
"How long were you stood there?" John Paul asked, taking one of the drinks from Craig and cradling its warmth in his hands.
"A while."
"How much did you hear?"
"Enough… did you mean it?"
"Every word," John Paul replied, placing his mug on the mantle and then taking Craig's tea from his hands and placing it next to it. "I'll never let you down again Craig," John Paul promised as he took a gentle hold of Craig's hands. "I swear… whatever happens I'll always be here for you…"
"You will?" Craig's deep brown eyes were filled with uncertain hope as they stared deeply into the bottomless blue pools that looked at him with love.
"I will… always…" John Paul pulled Craig into his arms until their heads were resting on each other's shoulders and the beating of their hearts echoing back and forth between them. "I love you Craig."
"I don't know… I'm not sure if…" Craig fingers gripped tightly onto the back of John Paul's shirt for support as he tried to understand what he was feeling and what it could mean for the future.
"It doesn't matter," John Paul reassured him, "There's no rush Craig… just know that I'm here for you… that's all…"
"Even after… after everything I've… after all the things I've…"
"Craig shh, none of it matters now… we've both made some stupid decisions…"
"Maybe," Craig said, enjoying the warm protective feel of John Paul's arms. "But you've never done anything like…"
"Craig…" John Paul relaxed his hold on the man in his arms, pulling back to look at Craig's beautiful confused features. "You really want to know what stupid thing I did to try and get over you?"
Craig furrowed his brow and nodded, unable to imagine John Paul being able to say anything that would surprise him.
A slightly shamed smile tickled at John Paul's mouth. "I slept with a Catholic priest," he said in a quiet confession.
"You did not!" Craig said with disbelief.
"I did," John Paul confirmed sheepishly. "Craig we both looked for comfort in the wrong places but neither of us ever have to do that again… not if… if this is what you want."
Craig returned to the closeness of John Paul's embrace without answering. He wanted to feel like the man he had once been and there, safe in John Paul's arms, he felt that was a possibility. But he knew he couldn't always be in John Paul's arms and he had to learn to feel safe out of them.