I love you guys. (: You make my life so much better, I read your feedback and it makes me believe in all that is good in the world. I am sorry that it took me longer than expected to get this chapter up, I am currently swamped with life. I should be studying for a Botany exam but I decided that I liked you guys better.
This chapter is really rough, I'm not going to lie. I had to go to a really bad place to even give this to come out right. It's sad, it's hard to read, especially if you love 'lena but at the same time, you get to know so much about Carter's character, about what is going through her head, how she is feeling about everything. More is going to come out about her later, but for now, you get this. It's a little dark, so just be careful guys. I do not encourage this behavior, that's my disclaimer. lol.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. There isn't much fluff, if there is any. Many many chances to hate Emily coming up. lol. I love making you guys hate her, it's so much fun. ha.
Carter's P.O.V
"May angels lead you in, hear you me my friends, on sleepless road, the sleepless go, may angels lead you in" Jimmy Eat World
I watch her as she sleeps so peacefully beside of me, as if nothing in the world could ever possibly go wrong in her life, as if her entire country couldn't succumb to some greedy little girl and her entire life could end at a moment's notice. Maybe that I was what I loved most about Rosalinda, the fact that even though I was in a pure panic spaz attack, she was calm as she had ever been. I don't know how she does it, how she brushes it away as if there is nothing in the world wrong and she only busies herself in spending time with me. Yet, I know that if she was worrying herself over this, it would only make my job so much harder than it has to be. I couldn't stand to see her upset, over General Kane's daughter, over the fact that I was less than happy with her current relationship with Emily, over anything in general and it killed me to see those tears to spill down her cheeks yesterday.
I wish that this was different for her. I wish that she didn't have to worry about taking care of a country, that she was responsible for the happiness and safety of so many people. I wish that she could be a normal woman, the way she was when she came to live with us in Louisiana, the way that she smiled at the fact she could be so wreck less without something bad happening to people. She deserved a life like that, you know? She didn't deserve to be in control, to worry and fret over this country for the rest of her life. She deserved to be normal, have a normal marriage with the four perfect children that she had dreamed of since she was seven years old. She deserved to have a husband that could give her all of that and I hated myself for it. I couldn't give her the children that she wanted, I couldn't have a steady normal job because I would be gone at all hours of the night if the program needed me and I couldn't even tell her where I was going or when I was going to be back. I can only imagine seeing our little girl, clutching tight to her teddy bear in her duckies pajamas as Rosalinda holds her tight in her arms, promising her that I would be home soon. What if I didn't? What if I didn't come home to that little girl? Would she hate me for it? Would Rosalinda? No, I shook my head with a sniffle, she deserved so much more than I could ever give her.
I reach forward, brushing a stray curl from her face, allowing my fingers to linger against her skin probably longer than they should have. I couldn't picture myself ever saying goodbye to her for one of my secret missions that I could tell her nothing of. I couldn't dare to even begin to think about losing her to this stranger that I know nothing about. The thought has crossed my mind of her standing at some type of ceremony, of General Kane's daughter just appearing out of nowhere and taking her life while I stood, watching so helplessly. I feel so wrong, now. It is my job to protect her and I am failing miserably at doing that. I am so caught up in fighting away my own insecurities that I feel toward Emily, toward sharing Rosie with every one else in this country, that I have completely made my one true job seem like a complete failure. Sometimes, like now when I am watching her sleep, I can not help but wonder exactly what I am doing here. Am I here as a person who is protecting her from the world or am I here as someone who loves her unconditionally, forever? Where do I draw the line from being the protective wife to being the protector? When do I stop looking out for her? When do I actually start trusting the people that she talks to? I fear that the second I do, that one second that I look away, that's going to be when I lose her and I will never forgive myself for that.
I love her more than anything thing in this world, there was never a doubt in my mind, never a question or a curiosity. The night that I saw her at homecoming, in that beautiful dress, that innocent gleam in her eyes, it was over from the beginning. I tried to fight it away, because Carter Mason, certainly does not fall in love, especially with someone like Rosalinda Maria Montoya Fiore. I kept lying to myself, I told myself that it was just an inflation because I didn't like girls. I didn't even a friend that was a girl, surely that was the only reason that I felt so strongly for Rosie. Then, nearly three months after not seeing her, she flew me out to Costa Luna and I saw her standing there, with a bright smile on her face and I knew. Call me crazy, stupid or naive, but I knew that there was more between us than simple friendship. It was a world wind of emotion when I kissed her for the first time, she told me that princess' don't do this, they don't just go around kissing girls but I told her that I wasn't any girl. I remember how scared she was when she told her mother, she saw it all ending, but surprisingly Sophia was more accepting than any one could ever imagined. My father as well, he smiled and told me that he knew from the day that I lost it when she nominated me for homecoming queen that I cared for her more than any one ever before. She cried when I asked her to marry me that night, under the open stars, she only nodded her head, tears spilling down her cheeks. I recall how confident she was when she said I do that day, how our lives have never been the same since that moment in time and I can't stop the aching feeling that I keep letting her down every single day that she is with me.
I let a soft whimper escape from my lips as I try desperately to keep the tears from spilling from my eyes. I was sick of this. I was sick of crying over this stupid girl who just wanted to finish what her father started, she didn't deserve it. I never cried before Rosalinda and now it was all that I seemed to be doing lately, the only thing that I seemed to be good at. I gasp for a breath as the phone vibrates on the stand beside of me, I groan as I glance lovingly at the sleeping brunette beside of me, who wrinkles her nose before she reaches for my hand. I smile weakly as I place my hand within her own, tracing the lines on her palm as I grab the phone with my other hand, my stomach twisting when I saw the name that was flashing on the caller id.
"Carter Mason," I whisper into the receiver, continuing to trace the lines on my wife's palm, slowly etching closer to the golden band that I placed on her finger not long ago. She looked so beautiful with the wind blowing through her hair, the sun tracing every inch of her perfect skin, the sparkle in her eyes, I was never more in love with her than I was at that exact moment in that life.
"Mason, I am calling to check on our subject. I assume she is safe?" The director asks and I roll my eyes with a inward laugh. I know that it is her job to make sure that I am doing mine but sometimes it would be lovely, if just once, she could help me out a little instead of sitting at her big desk, doing absolutely nothing. It would be nice if she could actually tell me who I am supposed to be protecting my wife from, instead of having me practically jump at every one who approaches her.
"Yes, she is safe. She is sleeping right now. Do you have any information on General Kane's daughter?" I demand, my jaw locking tightly at the simple mentioning of the woman's name. I hear the director sigh on the other end of the line before the typing on a keyboard fills the silence in the reciever. I stare absently at the beautiful woman that is fast asleep beside of me, of the innocence that is washing over her perfect face and I wasn't just going to stand idly by and watch someone take her out of my life, I just couldn't.
"We still know very little but you must understand, Carter, that we are doing everything that we possibly can. We care about Rosalinda too, you know this, correct? All we know is that she is in Costa Luna at this exact moment, and we have information that makes us believe that is fairly close to Rosalinda. I suggest you keep a very good watch out for your wife, any one at this moment could be a potential target. Trust no-one, is that understood?" The director demands and I feel the tears in my eyes once again. How could this be happening to us? Normally a newlywed couple spends the first few months deciding whose stuff gets trashed and what gets to stay, they learn how to co-exist with each other and prepare a schedule on who gets what first. Our first few months have been filled with dangerous spoiled brats, jealousy, insecurity, anything but the happiness we were promised.
"Of course it is understood, Director. I am not about to lose my wife to some spoiled little brat who isn't smart enough to figure out her own way to take down Costa Luna but must finish her father's original plan. I trust no-one except Rosalinda and myself. But I would appreciate it if you could give me a little more to go on next time, I can't fight this battle blind. I have to know what I am up against," I exclaim and the Director chuckles weakly at my response.
"I am doing all I can, I assure you, Carter. She is nothing like her father, she leaves a clean trail behind and all connections that she has had are cut. But trust me, as soon as we find out anything about this woman, we will let you know. We are not going to send you or Rosalinda in any danger that we are aware of. It is our job to protect not only her but you as well. We are trying, truly," She explains and a sick chuckle escapes from my lips.
"Yeah well, maybe you should try harder before you end up getting the both of us killed," I barked before I shut my phone. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair as I twist them in a knot, tugging only slightly. I always knew that I wanted to do something more with my life, doing this job was exactly just that but I wasn't aware of the type of stress that came with it. My father, he always hid it away with a simple smile, but then again, he was never romantically involved with the people he was meant to be protecting, as far as I was aware of. While, Rosalinda had been the one to truly save me, maybe she would also be the one who caused my demise. I knew that I would be unable to sleep so I softly slipped from the bed, placing Rosie's arm around my pillow with a warm smile. She groaned, opening her eyes just slightly and I laughed weakly.
"Carter?" She mumbles clearly still half asleep.
"It's okay. I'm fine, I'm just going to grab something to drink. Go back to sleep. Everything is fine," I promised, covering her up with the silk sheet. She mumbles a soft okay before she is once again gone into a deep slumber and I smile weakly. Shuffling my feet, I slip across the floor, watching as my wife slumbers so peacefully. That was the first time that I ever truly lied to her and I hated myself for it. Things wasn't okay, everything wasn't fine and it may never possibly be that way ever again. Yet, I wouldn't allow her to worry over this, she deserved more than that, so very much more.
My father used to tell me when I was sleepy to drink some warm milk and I could fall asleep faster, but clearly he was way off the target. I am half way through my third glass of milk when I realized that it was doing absolutely nothing for me except making me feel very jealous of the lactose intolerant. I don't even know why I bothered to try to sleep, there was far to much on my mind to even get one second of peace. My mind kept racing back to the idea that she was in Costa Luna now, that she was closer to Rosalinda than I would have liked and there was nothing that I could do about it. It was my job to protect her, to keep her safe and I allowed this woman to just come into her country and possibly take it and her life away from her. How could I let her down in such a way? How could I fail? I was so caught up in the happiness that I let down my guard for one second and I allowed this to happen, if she loses this country, it's going to be all my fault.
I rest my head in my hands as I stare at the wooden table, hoping for only a second I could stop thinking about the impending doom that was constantly on my mind. Instead I go back to thinking about our future together, about our children and our lives that seem to stretch on forever, how blissfully unaware I was when I chose to marry her that things may not work out that way. She wanted four kids, which at first I thought was absolutely crazy but now I want nothing more than those four children with her as well. She wants two little girls and two little boys, all of which she would not force to live as royally as she had. I wanted to give her that. I wanted to give her that safety, that family that she dreamed so perfectly of, the children that she already had named and planned their entire lives for them. Chances are, though, I could never be that person for her. I can't be the one that is there all the time when she is pregnant, especially if the Director assigns me someone else to protect, I can't be the one that is always there when our son or daughter needs me, I can't be the one who is there to assure her that everything is going to be okay when one of them seriously injures themselves. While, on the other hand, Emily could. She has no obligations to protect any one but herself and she has made it quite clear that she wants to be with my wife, it was only a matter of time until she convinced her of what I already knew. It was only a matter of time before I watched this complete stranger take away the only love that I ever knew and there was nothing I could do about it, because she was right.
I groan, pushing myself up from the seat as I open the fridge, grabbing one of the green bottles with a sigh. I promised Rosalinda that I wouldn't drink any more, but it was obvious that those promises that I made to her so long ago meant nothing anymore. I promised to keep her safe, to keep her happy and she was none of those things at the moment. I take a swig of the liquid, cringing as it burns down my throat but I am suddenly aware of how the throbbing pain in my throat has replaced the aching pain that has currently moved into my heart. I take another long swig, closing my eyes as I allow the burning pain to take me away, even if only for a moment. The shuffling of footsteps catches me off guard, quickly I glance up to find Emily in her robe, a smug grin on her face and my stomach twists in knots. I shake my head as I take another long drink of the alcohol, finding relief in the bottom of a bottle, something that I swore I would never do after watching how it effected Ed's parents.
"You know it is not very appropriate for the wife of the Queen to be up at this time of night...alone," Emily points out as she takes a bottle of water from the same white fridge. I chuckle as I brace myself against the counter, watching her every movement carefully. She seemed flawless, her blond hair up in a messy pony tail, her blue eyes sparkling with something that I could not quite pin point, her dimples breath taking. She was everything that I could never be, everything that I knew Rosie would realize that she deserved. She was more fit for this royal life than I was, she knew everything about Costa Luna, about my wife, about how to react and act to certain things, she was prepared for this life, unlike I was.
"Yeah, well, I couldn't sleep so sue me. What about you? Shouldn't you be in bed as well? I mean, you are the assitant to the Queen, it's your job to be well rested and help her make the best decisions involving this country. I don't think that being awake at two in the morning is being well rested, do you?" I whip back as I take another drink of the alcohol. She chuckles at something that I will never know as she takes a stand next to me, her blue eyes colliding hard with mine and it is as if she is cutting me into, degrading me with every blink of her long eyelashes.
"I do not have to explain myself to you, Carter. I am not the one that is married to the Queen. I am allowed to be awake and up any time that I wish because it does not effect her. No one will think anything of my absence from my bed but yours, however, they will think every much of. Especially when they find out that you were downstairs with your wife's assistant instead of in bed with her," Emily points out with a cool laugh and I roll my eyes bitterly.
"God, you actually would, wouldn't you? Are you that desperate to be with my wife? She'll never love you the way that she does me, she'll never be happy with you, don't you get that? You are a friend to her, and that is where she draws the line with you. I know Rosie, I know that she will never be attracted or be happy with someone like you. You might as well give up the dream because I am not going anywhere," I demand, my jaw locking tightly and the anger surges through my small body. She plays with the neck of her water bottle, before her eyes meet with mine again and it nearly causes me to snap into. Why does she have to be so much more than me?
"We'll see about that, won't we?" She laughs and I swear, I could have punched her in the face if it hadn't been for Rosie's reaction. I glare at her before I take another long swig of the alcohol, wishing that it was enough to take me away from this moment, away from her, away from knowing that everything that she was saying was right, "I thought you promised Rosalinda that you would not drink." She points at the bottle that is once again pressed against my lips. I close my eyes as a soft curse escapes from my lips, who did she think she was? What made her so great that she got to stand next to me and tell me about how horrible of a person that I was?
"Sometimes promises are broken. You know I'm sorry that I can't stand around and do this wity little banter with you about how I am a horrible person and how Rosalinda deserves to be with someone like you because you can give her so much more than I can, but I really do not have time for this right now," I exclaim as I take another bottle from the fridge, prepared to make my dramatic exit but her chilling voice stops me yet again.
"Pity, isn't it?" She chuckles in a cool voice and as much as I wanted to keep on walking, I stopped, as if it was an order. I clutched tightly to the bottle in my hand, turning to face her and I hated the smile that was curled on her pink lips, how smug she was at the fact that I was hurting.
"What are you talking about?" I ask and she laughs once again with a simple shrug of her shoulders.
"I just think that it is a pity that you can not do the only job that you are asked to do. You say that you want to do something greater in your life and that is why you chose to be in the protection program like your father. So they assign you to Rosalinda since you guys are romantically involved and they fear that since Costa Luna was attacked once that it may be attacked again. And you can not even protect her from General Kane's daughter, can you? Not only are you her assigned protector, Carter, but you are her wife. You are supposed to protect her from everything that she is ever scared of, you are supposed to make it all okay for her, to make her happy and you can not even do that, can you? Truly you should be ashamed of yourself to even dare call yourself her wife. You are a failure, that's all you are, Rosalinda will realize that soon enough," Emily exclaims and I feel everything inside of me crashing, every wall that I ever built suddenly came tumbling down, I never felt more dead than I did in that exact moment. I chuckle with tears in my eyes as I storm over to her, my hand stopping only inches from her face as my eyes meet hers...hard.
"You don't get to do that. You don't get to just march in here and tell me about how I am a horrible person who can do nothing right in her life and how Rosalinda deserves more than me when you know nothingabout the situation and you certainly know nothing about me. You don't know that I am doing everything that I can, that I am trying so unbelievably hard to make sure that she is safe and happy! You don't know how much I love her, how I am in love with her but how I also know that she deserves to be with someone more than me, she deserves someone who can give her everything that she wants and I am not saying that it is you, but I am simply saying that it is not me! You don't get to tell me how I am a failure, how I am such an awful person and how I deserve every bad thing in the world! You know nothing except for the fact that you are the monster that you are trying to make me out to be and you are jealous because I am married to her and you are not!" I yelled back, anger fuming through my entire body and I wanted nothing more than to hit her, to make her bleed, to make her feel the pain that I felt every time that I looked in my wife's worried eyes.
"You are right, Carter. I do know nothing about you and I may not know much about the situation but I do know that if Rosalinda was my wife, I would protect her. I would do everything that I possibly could to make sure that she was safe, to make sure that she is happy because that is the type of person that she deserves to be with. And it is quite clear now that you are certainly not that person," She spits back and I can't even breath anymore. Instead I only make this gasping sound as the tears break, even though I try so hard to keep them at bay, and spill effortlessly down my cheeks. My bottom lip quivers but I refuse the sobs to escape from my body, I refuse to let her see me break down in such a way.
"You know what? You're right. I am not that person. But neither are you. You stay the hell away from my wife!" I cry and she smugs a grin.
"Oh yeah? Are you going to make me? Because you know, if you hit me, she is going to view all of this as your fault. I will simply tell her that you were drinking, that you lost your temper and you hit me because you thought that I was going to make a move on your woman. I will tell her that I fought back for self defense but there wasn't much I could do seeing as how you had me pinned down and you caught me from behind. Then she is going to be angry with you for even daring to touch her assistant/friend, and she will ask you for a divorce because this is certainly not the behavior that a Queen should involve herself with. But go ahead, please, hit me," She pleads and I scoff, with a simple shake of my head.
"Go to hell, Emily," I groan before I push her only slightly. She chuckles with a laugh as she takes another swig of her water and I watch her carefully for a moment. How could she be so evil and Rosalinda not notice it? How could she even begin to think that she was nice? What was I not seeing? Before I am even aware of it, I am sprinting up the winding stairwell, searching for some type of peace that I know I would never find.
I stare at myself blankly in the mirror in the bathroom, searching for the answers that I had been so desperately wanting but the Director could not provide me with. The answers to the questions that Emily had been asking me since she first realized that Rosalinda and I were married, answers to the questions that I have been asking myself since I married that beautiful girl in Aruba all those days ago. Yet, I knew that those answers would nto be found in the depths of my dark brown eyes, instead only more questions would be made, but I had to find something. Anything. Any small amount of information, one small pigment of hope that let me believe that somehow everything was going to be okay. But there was nothing there, only anger and fear, only disappointment and darkness. Only a broken image of the person that I used to be.
How could this become my life? I thought that I had it all figured out, you know? Rosie and I were going to be married two years before we started a family, that seemed like a perfect amount of time for me to become accustomed to the life of being the equal to the thrown of Costa Luna. I imagined her carrying our first child, I was there, holding her hand through all nine months, drying every tear that she cried, hugging her and promising her that no matter what everything was going to be okay. I could see her holding our little girl in her arms as she cried, whispering how she looked like me and how she has never been happier in her entire life. I saw it all coming together, within the following two years we would have had our little boy, then two years later our little girl, two years after that our last son. I saw myself teaching the boys how to play baseball in the front lawn of the palace, one of them breaking the window and having to explain to Rosalinda exactly what happened. I could see her dressing our daughters up in those dresses, spinning them around and doing all of that girly things with them. We would have been perfect, but it was quite clear that the odds were stacked against us from the beginning. Maybe we were never meant to be.
This was never meant to happen. Things got out of control so quickly and there was nothing I could do but stand there and watch so helplessly. I never thought that a girl like Emily could be the one that would threaten my marriage, I never saw myself losing Rosalinda to a girl like her, but now it is all that I can see. I can see her being with her, actually being happy, I can see Emily giving her those children that she so desperatly wants and being a much better mother to them that I could be. I can hear Rosie telling me about how she wasn't in love with me anymore, how she hates that things must end this way but she has to do what makes her happy or else life really isn't worth living anymore. I can imagine Costa Luna standing on their feet when Rosalinda presents her as the new equal to the thrown, they accept her with a smile, much more than they did me. I see it all crumbling around me, the life that I so desperatly dreamed of since the night of homecoming, the greatest love that I ever knew fading with the sadest of songs and there is nothing that I can do to even try to stop it. Instead I only stand, watching, screaming with my mouth shut for the only woman that meant anything to me.
When did I become this person? When did I stop fighting for what I want? How could let this happen to her? To us? General Kane's daughter is in Costa Luna, she is close to Rosalinda and I am not even doing anything about it. I should be out there, questioning every one who comes within spitting distance of the palace about who they are, where they came from, who their parents are and demand to see some type of identification. Instead I am standing here like some type of spineless animal, doing nothing to protect the woman that I love. How could I let Emily enter my life like this? For so long I kept myself and Rosalinda guarded, the only people that I let close to us was Ed, my father and Sophia, for so long that was all that we ever needed. Now, Emily just waltzed into our lives as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do and I didn't even try to stop her. I didn't tell Rosalinda how I didn't like, how I didn't trust her, I just let her go off with her to to God knows what. Emily was right, I was a failure and Rosalinda deserved so much more than me.
My father would be so ashamed of the person that I have become, of how weak I am, of the way that I just let people walk in and walk all over me without a single word. He taught me how to be strong, how to fight for what was right, for what I wanted and to not stop, even if it hurt people. I did none of that now, instead I just watched as my entire world was ripped away from me without a single word. How could I let him down like this? How could I let Rosalinda down after everything that we have been through? How could I make it this easy for someone to take everything that I ever wanted away from me? I stare at myself in the mirror, my hair messily shading my face, the dark circles clearly visible under my eyes, I was hideous. How could she ever love someone like me? Didn't she know that she could do so much better? I take a swig from the alcohol that sat to the left of me as I stare that the reflection of a girl I barely knew and a sick chuckle escapes from my lips.
"Look at you. You're pathetic. You're only asked to do one thing, you are only asked to keep her safe, to keep her happy and you can't even do that, can you? You are going to let his daughter just come right in and take her away from you and if not her then Emily. But it's what you deserve. How could you do this? How could you ever put her in danger? You love her, you are supposed to keep her safe. She's not safe and she isn't happy anymore. Emily is right, she deserves someone better than you and one of these days she is going to wake up and realize what a horrible, ugly person you are. She is going to realize that Emily can give her so much more than you can and you are going to lose her. You deserve it. You are a failure, you deserve every bad thing that ever happens to you in your life. You should have died that day instead of your father, you know that, don't you? You know that you are only hurting her now, you are not keeping her safe and you are not keeping her happy. She is miserable now and it's all your fault. I hate you. Do you hear me? I HATE YOU!" I yell at the brunette who only stares back at me, her dark brown eyes pleading for what I didn't have. Before I can even catch myself, the fist that has been formed so tight at my waist that I have cut all circulation off from my hand, collides hard with the mirror. The glass shatters from the impact, I felt it scrapping hard against my skin as the blood quickly pours from the wound.
"Damn it!" I curse, shaking my hand as I pull it away from the broken mirror that is now streaked red from my blood. I look at my hand that is covered in glass, deep wounds now gushing with the red sticky substance so that it is making a pool on the counter beneath me. I slowly pick the glass from the wound, cursing every time that I accidentally push it farther in my skin that what it was. I allow a shaky breath to escape from me as I glance up at the red streaked broken mirror, a shattered reflection staring back at me. I didn't even know the girl that was staring back at me. I shake my head with a sniffle when a face in the corner of the broken mirror catches my gaze. Staring, with tears in her own eyes is my wife, who only looks at the mess that I have made with shock and surprise in her eyes. I close my eyes with a soft curse as my heart twists at the disappointment I saw in her eyes. I turn to her, clutching tight to my hand as the tears quickly appear in my cheeks, they fall so quickly and the sobs escape from my lips so fast that I can barely even catch a breath.
"Oh, Carter. It's okay. It's okay," She sighs. I shake my head with a sob as I collapse into her arms, holding her tight against my body as the cries erupt from my body so hard that my throat achs in pain.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I cry and she sighs as she softly rubs circles into my back.
"It is okay. Everything is going to be okay. I love you. Shh. It is okay," She promises, her voice cracking and I do not even have to look at her to know that the silent tears are falling down her cheeks as well. I wrap myself in her arms as I hold tight to my bleeding hand, listening to her warm voice as she continues to promise me that everything is going to be okay. What type of monster have I became? I contemplate the answer as the darkness quickly clouds over my eyes and in the moment I am only aware of her arms around me.
I am sitting on the sofa downstairs, the television blaring one of those news channels but I am not paying attention to the lady who is telling me about some troubled land to the north. Instead I am staring at my hand that is wrapped up in the white cloth, remembering how it felt to break that mirror last night, how I finally felt peace in an aching body as the throbbing pain brought those bittersweet tears to my eyes. The sun is dancing in circles across our hardwood floor, my eyes catch a ray of sunlight and I close them in pain as my head throbs in rhythm of my heart. How was it even possible that I became this messed up person? Was it the knowledge of General Kane's daughter? Was it Emily? Was it the truth? Was the secrets? What was it that ate away at me until I became this self destructive person?
I softly undid the bandage, unwrapping it carefully to not make the wound any more severe than it had to be. I wince in pain as I remove the final layer of the white bandage that was now stained red until I could view the cuts upon my knuckles. The sun caught a gleam of light and I softly removed one piece of shattered glance that still lay embedded within my skin, I cringe as I pull it free. Dripping with blood, the broken glass seemed to taunt me, as if I had not done a good job the first time around. I throw it across the room with tears in my eyes as I stare at my hand, it was still bleeding but only slightly, it was swollen and aching with each beat of my heart. Funny though, at how much pain I was in at the moment, I finally felt...okay.
Rosie catches my eyes, much like last night as she takes a seat on the sofa beside of me, placing her hand on my knee. She looks at my hand with a cringe, her lips forming a soft frown but she gets rid of it quickly, hoping that I did not see it. She softly takes the injured hand within her own as she takes another small piece of the shattered glass from my skin and I allow a soft moan to escape from my lips. I notice the tears that appear in her eyes but she says nothing as she lays the glass upon the table, instead her dark brown eyes collide hard with mine and they practically kill me inside.
"Is your hand bothering you?" She asks the question but I do not answer her, instead I only keep my eyes fixed upon hers, staring intently at the girl who braved the darkness and saved me once before, I do not want her to feel responsible to save me again. She reaches forward, her hand cupping my cheek as she brushes my stray curl away from my face and I shiver at her touch, "do you want to talk about last night?"
"I'm sorry about the mirror. I'll buy a new one. You know I never really did like that one much anyway, I didn't think it suits your personality. Maybe we could buy one of those ones that has the fancy border around it? Hmm?" I offer and she shakes her head with a weak smile, it fades far to quickly for my liking and I am suddenly aware of how serious this is. I couldn't tell her about what pushed me to that point, I couldn't tell her how much of a failure I felt like, about Emily, about the secrets that I kept hidden away from her, I wouldn't worry her like that.
"I do not care about the mirror, Carter. I care about you. I want to know what made you think that by hitting the mirror like that, by hurting yourself that you could make things better. I have never known you to be self destructive and I want to know what made you do that because maybe I can help you with it. I do not want to see you hurt any more," She pleads with me and I hate myself for even putting her in this position. I shake my head with a snort as I stare at the blood stained wounds on my hands, swallowing the pain with a fake smile.
"It's nothing. I'm fine. I just had a little to much to drink. I now see why you told me that I shouldn't drink. I'm going to buy you a new mirror, I promise. J-just, don't worry about me, okay? I can take care of myself," I reply and she shakes her head, her brow wrinkled and her eyes are flooding with an emotion that I can't even begin to describe.
"Yes because last night was a perfect example of how well you can take care of yourself," Rosie replies and it cuts me to the core, it steals my breath and stops my heart. The tears quickly appear in my eyes as my lips move but no words escape from me because I know none that could ever make this situation better, none that could take away the pain that I knew she was feeling inside. I stare down at my hand before I glance back up at her, suddenly feeling very open, very raw from the emotion that I have been harboring away for her.
"I'm alone," I whisper and she shakes her head.
"No, you are not. I am here. Talk to me," She demands and I shake my head with a weak laugh.
"I failed you, Emily made sure that I knew that last night. You won't be here for long, because you are going to go away with her and you should because she can give you more than I can. I'm going to lose you, Rosie. You don't know it yet, but I am. You are going to realize that you deserve more than me, more than this life and you are you going to leave me. Or General Kane's daughter is going to take you away from me. Either way, I have failed you," I cry and she stares at me with complete surprise in her eyes, her mouth moves but no words escape from me and I am not surprised. Instead Emily comes tumbling down the stairs, her eyes colliding hard with mine and a smirk appears on her face.
"Good morning. Rosalinda you look radiant this morning. Carter, you do as well," Emily coos and I shake my head with a snort as I turn to my wife, who's tear filled eyes made me feel like such a horrible monster. I don't say anything instead I only smile at her with a simple shrug of my shoulder as I shake my head with a sniffle.
"You'll see, soon enough that I am right. You'll see," I mumble before I stand, quickly exiting the living area. I push myself through the people that fill the hallways until I find my way to the kitchen, grabbing another green bottle from the fridge. I take a long swig of it, the burning pain suddenly taking away the pain that was felt in my hand and I am grateful. I glance up to find Thomas standing in the doorway, a warm smile playing at his lips as his brown eyes are filled with the same type of worry that I saw in Rosalinda's only a few moments before.
"Rosalinda told me to ask you if you needed something for the pain. But it's quite clear that you found your own source to stop the pain," He chuckles with a laugh and I only smile with a nod before I take another long swig of the alcohol. He doesn't say anything for a while, instead he only watches me, with his arms crossed over his chest, his brow wrinkled. I wish I knew what was going on inside of his head, I wish that I could understand the look that was hidden in his dark brown orbs, that I could understand exactly what he was thinking of me at this moment. I stare absently at my hand, smirking at the fact that it was going to scar now, well at least I would have a good story to tell, I chuckle. My eyes catch the golden band with a sudden feeling of sadness and it takes everything that I have to keep the tears from falling down my cheeks. Thomas sighs, catching my attention as he walks toward me, his face now solemn and stern and I know that this can not be good.
"I know that you are scared, okay? I know that you will never tell Rosalinda exactly how scared you are because you think that you are supposed to be brave and you are supposed to protect her, so that is why you pushed her away in there. You hit the mirror last night because you think that you failed her in some way, that you are going to lose her to Emily and it is going to be all your fault. You are disgusted with yourself. I know this, Carter, because I've been there, okay? I've been exactly where you are right now, but I got to tell you, pushing her away like this, it is only going to make everything hurt a hell of a lot worse. Just stop it. Stop running from your feelings and face them. It is okay to be scared. Rosalinda is not going to do anything with Emily, nothing to hurt you and she isn't going to hate you for being scared. You just have to trust her, and your love for her," He explains, his brown eyes flooding with love and compassion. I stare down at my hand for a long moment before my eyes meet his once again and I feel like I did the day that Dad told me what happened to Mom, like nobody would ever be able to reach in and save me from this pain.
"I trust no-one," I mumble with a cry, sitting down my drink as I try to run out of the kitchen but instead I feel his hand around my wrist. He pulls me hard into his body, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I struggle to get free, I push hard against him, hitting him in the chest with my uninjured hand before I finally give into his embrace. I bury my head within his chest as I allow the sobs to escape from my body, until my throat becomes raw. I cry so freely, as the aching pain slowly begins to leave my body, until the darkness clouds my vision and I feel all the color drain from my face. I cry out of fear, out of anger, out of love and out of hate. I cry because I am lost and this time, nobody can save me. I cry because I am suddenly in over my head and my father is not here to promise me that everything is okay. I cry to Thomas, because, at the moment, it was the only thing that seemed right to do.
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