"You OK
"You OK?" Turning from the mirror John Paul fastened the buttons on his dark blue shirt as he looked carefully at the man perched on the edge of his bed.
Craig looked small. It was as if he was trying to shrink back into the pattern of the duvet cover, wanting to become unnoticed and unnoticeable.
"Craig what is it?" John Paul asked with a soft furrow to his brow as he crouched before the man, his hands resting gently on Craig's knees as he tried to read the worries in his deep brown eyes.
"Nothing I… it's nothing…" Craig averted his eyes from the penetrating gaze of John Paul's bright blue eyes, they always seemed to see too much and know too much, it made Craig feel exposed and vulnerable. He'd had enough of feeling vulnerable.
"Craig…" John Paul placed on hand on Craig's cheek in an attempt to turn the man's face back to him but, feeling a resistance he simply stroked Craig's skin gently. "You do know I love you don't you?"
Craig smiled into the warmth of John Paul's touch. "I know," he said quietly. He couldn't seem to lift his gaze to meet John Paul's and instead he let his eyes rest on the man's feet, his interest seemingly consumed with the sight of John Paul's laces. The end of one lace hung lower than the other, already touching the ground Craig couldn't help but think John Paul would step on that before the end of the day.
With a soulful sigh Craig got to his feet, leaving John Paul still crouched by the bed he walked over to the window and looked out on the village beyond.
How many times had he stood at that window before, seeing the streets, the trees, the gardens and the people and never really noticing any of them? The window frame was cool and smooth beneath Craig's hand as he leant into the glass.
It all looked so different now. It had all changed completely since Craig had last stood on that spot. Except of course that it hadn't. Every inch of the view from John Paul's bedroom window was virtually identical to the way it had been before Craig had moved to Dublin. The only thing that had changed were the eyes looking down on it.
Sitting on the corner of the bed John Paul watched Craig in silence. The man's shoulders were hunched as his forehead pressed against the glass, as if a great weight was resting on them. Every inch of John Paul ached to be able to take away the pain that still lingered within Craig and to wipe away the memories of the past few months. But John Paul could do none of that. He could only wait and watch and be there when he was needed.
The glass before Craig's face misted with the heat of his breath, turning the outside world into soft-focus as he looked out on it. There was no denying how good it felt to be back in Hollyoaks, how right, but he knew it wasn't the end of his worries, far from it.
A heat radiated through Craig's shoulders as the weight of John Paul's hands rested lightly on them. John Paul's touch was gentle, almost hesitant, but it felt strong and confident and Craig leant back slowly until the man's arms slid tightly around his chest.
"It will be OK you know," John Paul promised, his breath tickling gently at Craig's neck.
"Will it?"
Holding Craig tighter John Paul pressed his lips into the curve of the man's neck.
"Can we not just stay here?" Craig asked with a sigh as he turned slowly to face the gentle blue of John Paul's eyes.
"Here in Hollyoaks?"
"Here in this room!"
John Paul laughed lightly. "For how long exactly."
"Oh I don't know… I was thinking 20 years should do it!"
John Paul's hands moved to cup Craig's face as he looked into the troubled depths of Craig's deep brown eyes.
"What's wrong?" He asked quietly.
Craig's eyes flicked to the floor for a second before returning to the unwavering gaze that held him strong and gave him strength.
"They know don't they?" Craig asked.
"Who? Know what?"
"Your family… they know about… him… about what I let him…" Craig's words trailed off and his eyes once again fell to the floor. Everyday that passed Craig could feel the fear that Lee had instilled in him fading away and now, with the Irish Sea between them, that threat was lessened even more. But the same couldn't be said for the deep sense of shame that still taunted him. That he had allowed himself to become so weak. That he had allowed himself to be a victim. That he had allowed it.
"Nobody thinks it was your fault Craig," John Paul said kindly, his thumbs brushing over the softness of Craig's cheeks as he spoke. For John Paul, seeking the support of his family when he had learned of Craig's plight seemed only natural. It had never crossed his mind that their knowing would make the dark haired man feel uncomfortable but he could see the unease deep in Craig's eyes and there was nothing he could do to quell it.
"But they still know," Craig said sadly as a fresh hit of shame assaulted him. The strong assertive confident McQueen family all knew how pathetic Craig Dean had become and what he had let that man do to him.
"I'm sorry," John Paul said as he pulled Craig tightly into his arms. "I never meant… I shouldn't have told them… I'm sorry… I only did it because I was so worried… because I love you…"
"I know," Craig replied, resting his head on John Paul's shoulder. It was funny how that young man's arms around him could make everything else seem that bit less important, that bit less frightening and at the same time make the world seem a touch more welcoming and a whole lot brighter.
"You ready?" John Paul asked, his hand paused on the handle of his bedroom door.
"Not really," Craig admitted with a smile. He wasn't joking when he had expressed a desire never to leave that room but at the same time he knew he had no choice but to face the world once again.
"You know I'm right here with you," John Paul said curling his fingers tightly into Craig's, a simple gesture of support and love that made Craig's heart race. "And I always will be…"
Craig nodded and, with a deep breath and tight squeeze of John Paul's hand he braced himself to face the McQueen's. "Let's do it."
The two men walked hand in hand down the stairs, John Paul a step ahead but his grip on Craig's hand never lessening for a second. Craig was relieved, when the got to the bottom, to see only two members of the family seated in the living room.
Myra got to her feet as Jacqui turned her head to observe the arrival of the two young men.
John Paul's grip tightened, feeling Craig shrink back slightly as Myra approached.
The matriarch looked at her son for a moment. It had been a long time since she'd seen a smile on his face that radiated so deeply within his eyes and there had been a time when she had feared she would never see one again. Myra knew without question the reason for her son's happiness and, despite some deep seated reservations she might feel, she couldn't help but be glad that John Paul had found a reason to smile again, even if that reason had once broken his heart.
"Welcome home son." Myra said with a smile that equalled that of her son's.
Craig took another step back to allow mother and son a moment together and it was then that he realised Myra's words hadn't been directed at John Paul.
"Th…thanks…" Craig stammered with uncertainty. Craig hadn't know what kind of welcome he could anticipate but the warmth in Myra's eyes was enough to push some of his doubts aside.
"Look Craig," Myra said, placing her hands on the young man's shoulders and looking him squarely in the eyes. "What happened before… with you and our John Paul…"
"I'm sorry about that I…"
"Let me finish eh?" Myra said with a laugh. "Like I was saying… what happened in the past… it's in the past… and as long as you treat him right… well that's all I'll ask of you."
"I will… god I really will… I promise."
Myra smiled a warm and welcoming smile as she pulled Craig into her arms. "Welcome home son," she said again quietly.
It had broken Myra's heart to hear her son sobbing down the phone a few days ago as he explained to her about Craig, but it wasn't until she saw the look in the young man's chocolate eyes that she really understood how much he had suffered.
Myra had once blamed Craig Dean for breaking her son's heart but she knew, without doubt, that the Craig Dean in her arms wasn't the same Craig Dean that had cheated on his fiancé with her son. This was a young man that her son loved unconditionally and who, she was certain, loved him in return. This was a young man who had suffered probably more than she would ever really know. And this was a young man who needed her family's support and now that he was home he would get it.
Craig pressed his face into the warmth of Myra's embrace. He was home.
"So Craig… when are you going to see your mum?"
Craig winced at the question and his grip on the warm hand holding his tightened. He knew that seeing Frankie was something he had to do, he hadn't even told her he was quitting Trinity and coming home, but it wasn't something he was looking forward to doing, nor was it something he wanted to do.
John Paul smiled his reassurance at the nervous man sat beside him on the sofa. If and when they went to see Craig's mother it would be Craig's choice in Craig's time, but one thing was for certain, whenever he was ready he wouldn't be going alone.
"I'm not sure," Craig said in response to Myra's question.
"Don't let her find out you're home from somebody else," Myra said kindly, "That's not fair on her… she IS still your mother."
"I know I… it's just…" Craig glanced around the three members of the McQueen family who had each, in their own way, contributed to his salvation and he knew that he would never be able to pay any of them back they way they deserved. He could see the sympathy in the eyes of the two women and, although it was well meant, it still made him feel small but worse than that, it made him realise that they knew things his own family didn't. They knew things that he wasn't sure he could ever face telling his own mother about.
"She doesn't know," Craig said quietly with his eyes downcast, "I mean about any of it… about… him and… and I don't want her to…"
"Craig," Myra's tone was understanding but firm as she spoke, her hand resting lightly on his arm. "You can't keep something like this from her… she'd want to know… she'd want to help you… I know I would if it was one of my kids."
"I can't," Craig turned his eyes to Myra, pleading with her to understand and to keep his secrets. "Please Myra I can't… she's been through so much already what with Jake and everything… she doesn't need this and I… I can't face her knowing how I… what I…" Craig's voice broke and a glistening of unshed tears sparkled in his deep brown eyes.
"Mum it's not up to us," John Paul said calmly. "If Craig doesn't want his family to know then we have to respect that…"
Myra looked into her son's eyes and understood far more than his words conveyed. It wasn't just Craig's wishes that John Paul was asking his mother to respect but Craig himself.
Myra nodded her agreement. She could see in the soft blue of John Paul's eyes an echo of Craig's pain and she knew that she couldn't be the person to add to that pain by taking any more of Craig choices or self respect from him.
"I think you're wrong Craig," Myra said gently, "But it's your decision and if you don't want Frankie to know then no one from this house will breath a word… I promise you that."
"Thank you," Craig said with a genuine smile that sparkled in his eyes just as his tears had done.
"Thanks," John Paul mouthed silently to his mother. He knew she didn't approve of secrets, especially within families, which made her agreement to keep Craig's all the more meaningful. Casting his eyes to his boyfriend John Paul felt a moment of sadness for the man he loved so completely. His heart ached at the thought of the months that Craig had suffered in silence, the times he must have lied to his family and told them everything was OK and the occasions he must have wanted to break down and ask for their help, but pride, or fear, or shame prevented him.
"How about I stick the kettle on," Jacqui said with a ruby smile as she got to her feet.
"I'll give you a hand," John Paul offered instinctively, but he was restrained from rising by Craig's grip on his arm.
"Let me," Craig said quietly, casting a nervous glance towards the frighteningly strong woman who had always intimidated him. John Paul raised his eyebrows at the offer. "I want to," Craig assured him as he rose to follow Jacqui into the kitchen.
"Get us the milk would you?" Jacqui asked as she filled the kettle.
Craig looked at her with uncertainty and he shuffled his feet nervously.
"In the fridge!" Jacqui suggested with an amused smile. She was used to young men acting so apprehensively around her, she knew that she could come across as intimidating and normally she worked to enhance the fierce reputation she had gained. But after listening to the pain and tears in her brother's voice as he told her what Craig had been dealing with, what had been happening to him for months, Jacqui felt the need to try and put Craig at his ease. "Craig," she said with a kind smile, "The milk… in the fridge…"
"Yeah… yeah sorry…" Craig stammered as a pink blush rose to his cheeks and he fumbled with the fridge door in an attempt to hide his embarrassment.
Placing the milk down on the counter Craig watched as Jacqui dropped tea bags into four mugs. Licking his lips nervously Craig opened his mouth to speak and then changed his mind. Despite the fact that she was John Paul's sister there was something so menacing about Jacqui McQueen that the very sight of her heavily glossed mouth made Craig unsure of himself. Swallowing hard he took a deep breath and tried again.
"Err Jacqui… I… err…"
Jacqui stopped making the drinks to turn and look at him. His deep chocolate eyes that were framed with remarkably long lashes appeared to be so much older than his years, far older than the young man who had once stood in the McQueen's living room declaring his love for John Paul.
Jacqui smiled softly and tilted her head slightly to one side. "Go on…" she encouraged.
"Well the thing is… I mean… Look I know you never really liked me…"
"That's not true," Jacqui lied.
"Isn't it?"
"Look it wasn't so much you I didn't like… more the situation you and our John Paul ended up in…"
"You mean the situation I force him into…" Craig said turning his gaze to the counter top to avoid Jaqcui's unwavering gaze.
"Look Craig… you could never have forced John Paul into anything he didn't want… he loved you… loves you… I might not have liked what you did… but that doesn't mean I don't understand WHY you did it."
"I wish things could have been different," Craig sighed, a comment aimed more to himself than to Jacqui.
"It doesn't matter any more," Jacqui said with a gentle touch to Craig's arm that made him jump at the unexpected physical contact. Jacqui snapped back her hand instantly as John Paul's description of how Craig would sometimes flinch from his touch echoed through her mind, but a small appreciative smile on Craig's lips told her that his reaction was more one of surprise rather than fear.
"Look… Jacqui… what I wanted to say was… it's just… I don't know… thank you I guess… just thank you." Craig chewed thoughtfully on his lips. Those few simple words went no where near expressing what he really felt or wanted to say, but the ability to say anything more meaningful or articulate eluded him.
"What are you thanking ME for?" Jacqui asked. "I haven't done anything…"
"Not done anything?" Craig replied in amazement. How could she not realise what she had done and what her actions had meant? "Jacqui… you did everything… if it wasn't for you I might not… you sent him to me Jac… you sent John Paul to Dublin…"
"No… I gave him a ticket… John Paul went to Dublin cause he wanted to…"
"But if you hadn't…"
"He would have found his way there eventually… he was missing you Craig… he was always gonna come looking for you in the end…"
Craig looked down at his hands, his voice dropping so low that Jacqui had to strain to hear his words. "If he hadn't come when he did it might have been too late…"
There was an edge to Craig's tone that gave Jacqui chills as if something very dark had just walked over her grave.
"How d'you mean?" Jacqui asked quietly.
Craig looked back into the McQueen's living room, where John Paul was talking happily with his mother, and smiled. John Paul McQueen, to the rest of the world he was nothing more than an ordinary young man, nothing very special and not somebody that would change the world. But he had changed Craig's world, from the moment they first met things had never been the same. They had been wonderful and terrifying, exciting and shocking but mostly they had been real. John Paul McQueen had made Craig feel real and he would never be able to repay him for that.
"Things had got pretty bad before John Paul turned up," Craig said quietly, still watching the blonde man as he spoke.
"Bad how?" Jacqui asked quietly, moving to stand behind Craig, her hand resting gently on his shoulder.
"At first he just used to get angry occasionally… but it started to happen more and more until… it was everything… whatever I said or did was always wrong… It got to the point where… I thought he really might kill me one day…"
"Craig I…" Jacqui tightened her grip on the young man's shoulder.
"But that wasn't the worst thing," Craig continued as he turned away from watching John Paul and walked slowly back to the kettle. "The worst thing was that I'd stopped caring… if John Paul hadn't shown up when he did…" Craig's dark eyes sparkled with a deep and unfailing love as he said the younger man's name. "Seeing him again… touching him… it reminded me who I was… what it was like to have someone who loved me… I don't ever want to forget that again. So I do have reason to thank you Jacqui, more than I could ever really say…"
There was sadness in Craig's smile that tore through Jacqui's tough shell and instinctively she pulled the man into her arms. He seemed so fragile and broken but there was also a strength inside him that was rooted in the deep love he shared with Jacqui's brother.
John Paul was surprised, when he walked into the kitchen area, to see his boyfriend and his sister in a soft embrace but there was something about the way they were stood that made him know he shouldn't interrupt.
Finally Jacqui released her hold of Craig and flashed a warm approving smile to her brother. It was true that she hadn't liked Craig Dean. But that had been the young man who had always seemed selfish and thoughtless. The Craig Dean now standing in the McQueen's kitchen wasn't the same man.
"So it this tea ever gonna get made?" John Paul asked lightly.
Craig turned to him with a laugh. "Not if you're gonna be that impatient," he teased gently before pressing his lips to John Paul's with such a soft intensity that it took the man's breath away.
"I love you John Paul McQueen," Craig said quietly with a sure and certain knowledge that that was a phrase he was never going to tire of using.
"You ready for this?" John Paul smiled gently, a smile that made the blue of his eyes soften until they became a place Craig could fall safely into.
"Not really," Craig admitted with a nervous laugh and a shrug of his shoulders.
"You don't have to you know…"
"Yeah I do." Craig sighed as he looked at the building before him. Like everything else in Hollyoaks this was another place that was startlingly familiar and yet forever changed. He had managed to put off the inevitable visit by not leaving the McQueen's house for three days, but he knew that was hardly a long-term solution. "Myra was right," he continued, "I can't have someone telling my mum they've seen me in the village… she should hear it from me that I'm home…"
"And everything else?" John Paul asked quietly. He looked at Craig with such love and understanding that the older man had to hold back the urge to weep. It seemed hard to believe that such a short time ago Craig had allowed himself to be convinced that he would never see, or deserve, such love again and now, with John Paul by his side, he couldn't foresee another day without it.
"I can't," Craig said with a small shake of his head. "I just can't tell her… I can't let my mum know THAT…"
"It's OK," John Paul reassured him with a warm squeeze of the hand held tightly in his, "You don't have to…"
Craig took a deep breath as he looked towards the doors to the pub. "Here we go then… you won't…"
"Won't what?"
"Go… I mean whatever happens… you won't leave me will you?"
John Paul looked at Craig for a moment, reaching his hand up he touched the older man's cheek softly, his fingers breathing lightly over the smoothness of Craig skin as a whisper of electricity crackled between them.
"I'm going nowhere," John Paul promised, "I'm never gonna leave you." Craig leant his face against the warmth of John Paul's touch for a second, pulling strength and reassurance from the contact.
"Tell me that you love me," Craig asked, his deep brown eyes filled with the need for John Paul's comfort and support.
John Paul let his fingertips brush against the curve of Craig's lips as he spoke. "You know I love you Craig," he replied, "With all my heart… I've always loved you… and I always will."
Craig smiled at John Paul's words and at the truth he could feel behind them. Whatever happened inside the Dog, whatever happened for the rest of his life, Craig knew with absolute certainty that he wouldn't be facing it alone.
Without another word the two men headed towards the pub, their footsteps perfectly synchronised as Craig pushed open the doors.
Frankie's initial reaction upon seeing Craig was elated surprise. Her youngest son hadn't said he was coming home for a visit and she raced quickly around the bar to greet him.
Frankie's second reaction was disbelief. Her footsteps faltered and the smile faded from her lips when she noticed that Craig wasn't alone. She hadn't even been aware that the two young men were in contact again and yet there they were standing before her, together. Frankie took a second look in the hope that she was seeing things, but there was no mistaking the fact that her son's hand was held in the tight grasp of the McQueen boy.
"Hi mum," Craig said nervously as his mother stood before him in silence.
With a shake of her head Frankie tried to dislodge the multitude of conflicting thoughts and emotions that were racing through her and let a hint of a genuine smile break onto her face as she looked at her son.
"Craig… you didn't say you were coming home," Frankie as she pulled Craig into her arms and tried not to notice that, as he hugged her with one hand, the other remained firmly in the grip of John Paul.
"It's… well it's not… I mean… it's kinda complicated," Craig mumbled as his mother released her hold.
"I see," Frankie replied, making a point of letting her gaze rest on the young men's clasped hands.
"Can we go upstairs and talk mum? Just us?"
"Just us?" Frankie cast another look at John Paul as she asked the question.
"Yeah," Craig replied, "Just the three of us."
John Paul felt strange sitting in the flat above the Dog again after so long, after everything that had happened. This was the place where he had cruelly forced Craig to admit the truth about their relationship, and the place where they had stood side by side as Craig bravely told his family that he loved John Paul. It was the place where they had been friends and then lovers. It was a place that held so many contradictions and John Paul could see them all in Frankie's eyes as she observed the two young men on the sofa in her living room.
"Look mum I… I'm not going back to Dublin," Craig blurted out, an instant rush of relief washing over him as he forced the words from his mouth.
"What d'you mean not going back?" Frankie asked with a dismissive laugh.
"I mean I'm not going back… to Dublin… to Trinity… I'm staying here…"
"With him?" Frankie couldn't hide the bitterness in her voice. Craig had managed to escape John Paul's influence once, breaking free before it was too late, how was it that they were back together again now?
"Yes mum… with John Paul," Craig confirmed. "But that's not… he's not…"
"I can't believe you're prepared to throw everything away again for him," Frankie said in exasperation.
"Mum!" Craig objected but Frankie hadn't finished talking.
"You were happy there Craig… you were doing so well, you'd settled down and put… put everything else behind you…"
"I was never happy mum," Craig replied with a sigh.
"But you told me…"
"I told you what you wanted to hear… I never fit in… I was failing all my classes… I was miserable…"
"So John Paul McQueen turns up and suddenly everything is fine… suddenly you want to come home and give up on everything you worked so hard for?" Frankie shook her head in confusion. Craig HAD been happy there, he had told her. She was his mother, she would have known if anything had been wrong. She just would!
"Mum it's not that simple," Craig replied quietly. "Please try to understand… you learned to accept us once, can't you do that again?"
"But don't you see?" Frankie reasoned. "This is just history repeating itself… he's got what he wants right now but how long before he changes his mind and leaves you again?"
"This is nothing like last time Frankie," John Paul said, his calm voice hiding the frustration that was quickly growing inside him.
"No? How can you be so sure?"
"Because I love him."
Frankie spat out a bitter laugh. "Love? What do you know about love? It wasn't that long ago that you were both standing here trying to convince us you were in love… and look how that turned out… Craig would have been happy with Sarah if it hadn't been for you… and now you've just gone and done it again…"
"How have I done it again?" John Paul asked with a puzzled frown.
"Craig was happy with that girl he was seeing in Dublin… I don't know what it is you said to him to make him leave her but…"
"Girl?" John Paul said as he turned his face to Craig.
"There was no girl in Dublin mum," Craig confessed quietly, dropping his eyes to the floor, unable to meet John Paul's gaze.
"But you told me… you said you were seeing someone…"
"I was… but… but it wasn't a girl… you just assumed and I never corrected you."
Frankie observed her son in silence as she let his words slowly penetrate through the shell of denial that she had fought so hard to build around her. She had been convinced that Craig's relationship with John Paul had been a one-off, a mistake, an experiment of youth but now she had to face the truth.
"You're gay?" The words came out in a whisper and Craig wasn't sure if they were a question or an accusation.
"I don't know," Craig replied sadly. "I think… maybe… I love John Paul… isn't that enough."
"He'll hurt you again… just like before."
"No mum he won't… not this time… everything's different, we're different." Craig knuckles were white as he gripped John Paul's hand tightly seeking the reassurance of the man's presence as he watched the myriad of emotions roll through his mother's eyes.
"How is anything different," Frankie argued. "Can't you see it's already started… can't you see what he's doing to you Craig?"
"Frankie, please," John Paul said gently. He could feel Craig's anguish as the dark haired man trembled beside him and he fought down the urge to take the woman by the shoulders and shake some sense into her.
"I'm talking to my son," Frankie snapped angrily. "I won't let you do this to him again… he was happy in Dublin before you showed up…"
"No mum I wasn't," Craig insisted but his words seemed to fall on deaf ears as Frankie continued her tirade against the young blonde man.
"He was doing well for himself… he was seeing… he was in a relationship… why did you have to turn up and spoil it all for him again John Paul? Why couldn't you just leave my son alone? He doesn't need you… he never needed you…"
"Mum you're wrong," Craig said, his voice shaking with emotion and unshed tears. "I do need him… more than you know…"
"If it wasn't for John Paul you'd still be happy in Dublin…"
"No… if it wasn't for John Paul I'd…" Craig got to his feet, his hand slipping from the comfort of John Paul's touch as he moved towards his mother. "If it wasn't for him I'd…"
"What?" Frankie asked, standing to face her son. "What is so great about John Paul McQueen that you can't get away from him… what is it he's ever done for you that is so wonderful."
"He… he…" Craig's eyes were filled with tears as he turned his head to look back at the man who had done more for him that anyone else ever could.
"It doesn't matter Craig," John Paul said gently. He didn't really care if Frankie Osbourne hated him for the rest of his life; it was how Craig felt that was important.
"It matters," Craig replied, the first show of tears tumbling over his cheeks as he blinked. "But I can't… I don't know how to…"
"Craig what is it? Tell me…" Frankie's tone softened as she saw the anguish in her son's tear filled eyes and the gentleness of the look that was exchanged between the two young men.
Rising to his feet John Paul slipped a supporting arm around Craig's shoulders.
"It's alright," he whispered softly. "I'm here… it's all alright…"
"Craig please," Frankie pleaded. Her son's sudden distress was terrifying and she couldn't believe that whatever it was he was hiding could be any worse than the scenario's that were running through her head.
"Mum… I… it's just… it's… John Paul… he… he…" Craig turned his gaze to look into the soft blue depths that spoke of love and trust. "He saved me," Craig finished quietly, "If he hadn't shown up when he did…"
"Craig I don't understand… please," Frankie placed her hand on her youngest son's shoulders and was shocked to feel how much he was trembling.
"I can't say it," Craig said, his words and eyes directed totally to John Paul.
"I know," John Paul replied with a soft touch to Craig's cheek.
"Help me." Craig buried his face into the familiar warm scent of John Paul's chest, the man's strong arms wrapping firmly around him, sheltering and protecting him from anything that might threaten harm.
Frankie's fingertips touched nervously at her son's shaking shoulders as she looked at John Paul and, for the first time, she saw the man who loved her son rather than the boy who had left him.
"What is it?" she asked quietly, almost afraid to know the truth.
"Frankie," John Paul's anger and frustration at Craig's mother had quickly been replaced by a gentle understanding as he saw the deep-seated worry in her eyes. He knew she had struggled to accept things when his relationship with Craig was first revealed and that acceptance must have felt misplaced when things didn't work out but he also knew that, despite everything, Frankie loved her son and she was only trying to protect him, just like John Paul was.
"Tell me," she breathed quietly.
"I can't," Craig said in a pained voice as he looked into the strength of John Paul's eyes. He might not be able to find the words himself, but he realised that he needed his mother to know, maybe not everything, but she needed to know what John Paul had done and how much his love meant to Craig. "Can you… will you…?"
Craig pulled out of the comfort of John Paul's embrace as the younger man nodded his agreement. Casting a look at his mother Craig raced from the room as a fresh wash of tears coated his cheeks.
Frankie moved to follow her son but a restraining hand on her arm halted her steps.
"Leave him Frankie," John Paul told her. "He needs a few minutes and I… I need to tell you…"
"Tell me what? What's happened?"
"Sit down," John Paul said retaking his seat, "Please Frankie… sit down."
Once Frankie was seated again John Paul leant towards her, his elbows resting on his knees and his chin supported in his hands.
"When I got to Dublin… when I found Craig he was… The guy Craig was with he… he wasn't a very nice man…"
"How d'you mean?"
John Paul took a deep breath and closed his eyes. It was such a terrible thing he had to tell her but he knew he had to be strong, for Craig's sake.
"He was abusive… really abusive… Physically… emotionally… And Craig was… scared… no more like terrified…"
"That can't be right," Frankie said with a laugh that had nothing to do with amusement, "My Craig wouldn't have put up with that… he… he would have told me… it's not true."
"I'm sorry Frankie but it is… and Craig didn't tell you cause he was ashamed…"
"But he could tell you?"
"No… I found out… I saw the bruises, the fear and I… I saw that bastard hitting him…"
"No… that can't be right… tell me it's not… why would he put up with that, why wouldn't he come home… why would my little boy let someone treat him like that?" Tears tumbled down Frankie's cheeks as she spoke and John Paul reached out to take her hands gently.
"Lee messed with his head," John Paul explained, "He made Craig think he deserved it… that he had no one else… that no one cared what happened to him…"
"I let him down," Frankie said dejectedly.
"We all let him down," John Paul agreed.
"What do we do now?" Frankie asked, surprised that she needed reassurance and assistance from the young man she had, until very recently, blamed for ruining her son's life.
"We never let him down again," John Paul said simply, slipping to his knees before Craig's mother and taking her gently in his arms as her shoulders shook with silent sobs.
"Will you look after him?"
"For the rest of my life… I love him."
EPILOGUE
"Yes mum… yes I will… I said I will… yeah I'll let you know… yes mum… really… look I've gotta… mum I really need to… yes later… mum I've gotta go… yeah I love you too… bye mum… bye…"
With a sigh Craig dropped his mobile onto the table and threw himself down on the sofa beside John Paul.
Discarding the magazine he was reading John Paul smiled as Craig's head came to rest on his shoulder.
"Who was on the phone?" he asked with a grin.
Craig shoved his boyfriend playfully. "Has anyone ever told you how funny you are?"
"No…"
"There's a very good reason for that!"
John Paul slid his arm around Craig shoulders as he kissed the top of the man's head gently. "So what did your mum want?"
"She was asking if we were gonna go around there for Christmas dinner…"
"Oh…"
Lifting himself from the warmth of John Paul's shoulder Craig looked into the deep blue depths of the younger man's eyes. Their colour never ceased to amaze and intoxicate him, their exact shade of blue changing to reflect John Paul's mood.
"Myra's asked the same hasn't she?"
John Paul nodded.
"So what we gonna do?" Craig asked as he settled back against John Paul's side.
"Well to be fair we DID go round to your lot last year," John Paul reasoned, "How about we have dinner with my family and then we all go over to the Dog after for a few drinks."
"What a genius," Craig said with a smile, "See why I love you…"
"What? You only love me for my mind? I am offended!"
"Well you do have one or two other qualities," Craig teased.
"Such as?"
"You make a decent brew," Craig said with a hopeful raise of his eyebrows.
"Would that be a less than subtle hint Mr Dean?"
"If I say yes will it get me a brew Mr McQueen?"
John Paul got to his feet with a laugh, slapping Craig's leg as he rose. "Go on then," he said, "But you've got to keep me company while I make it."
Craig leant against the kitchen wall as John Paul set about making the drinks. As soft smile played over Craig's lips as he watched the younger man, his boyfriend, his partner, his other-half… his life.
Three months after returning to Chester the two men had moved into their own flat. It wasn't that they hadn't been happy staying at the McQueen's, or that they hadn't been made to feel welcome there, but they had known it was time to move out and start afresh. They knew it was time for it to be just the two of them.
The first night in their new home had been a landmark that neither of them had expected. As they moved their possessions into the flat the men had joked about their plans for that first evening, and how they would no longer have to worry about the McQueen family overhearing them if they got too loud.
But as they fell contentedly onto the old sofa that they had found in a local charity shop John Paul and Craig did the one thing they had never really managed to do before. They talked. Curled up together against the soft tan fabric of the sofa they opened up their hearts more completely than they had ever done. They held each other closely as they laughed and cried in equal measure, not noticing as the hours ticked by and evening moved into night and then night gave way to the first tentative rays of morning.
They shared with each other how they had felt that fateful September day when all their dreams had crashed around them. John Paul had wept as Craig described his feelings of desolation watching John Paul walking away, and Craig had sobbed as John Paul explained how Craig's inability to show him any affection had felt like a bitter rejection.
With a regretful sigh John Paul had told of the time he found himself in Father Keiron's bed knowing, almost instantly, that he had made a grave error, not only for himself but also in allowing the priest to break his holy vows. John Paul explained how, in searching for love, he had finally admitted to himself the one thing he already knew. There was only one love for him and he had let it go to Dublin alone.
A while later, with his head resting against John Paul's chest, Craig had listened to the steady, strong beat of the man's heart and had slowly and painfully let go of the last of his secrets, the last of his shame. Sharing with the man he loved every moment of humiliation and abuse that he had suffered at the hands of Lee, his face coated with tears as he handed his pain to the only person who was really able to take it from him.
As exhaustion finally took over the men they had collapsed wearily into their new bed, instantly seeking the warmth of each other's arms as sleep began to call them.
"I'm sorry," John Paul breathed softly into Craig's hair.
"What for?" Craig asked sleepily, nestling deeper into the comfort of John Paul's chest.
"For everything… for letting you go… for letting you down…"
"Shhh," Craig said quietly, "None of that matters any more… we're here now and that's all I care about."
"What are you staring at?" John Paul asked with a laugh, the force of Craig's gaze burning into his back as he stirred the tea.
"You," Craig answered honestly.
"And why's that?"
"Cause you're gorgeous," Craig replied stepping forward and slipping his arms around John Paul's waist as he rested his chin on the man's shoulder. "And cause I love you."
Dropping the teaspoon in the sink John Paul turned around slowly, his eyes drinking in the sight of the man who held him gently, his heart racing, so filled with love, as he cupped Craig's face and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.
Their hearts seemed to beat loudly in the silence of the kitchen and their eyes said what their voices didn't have to. "How could I ever live without you?" "You never have to."
"I was thinking," Craig said as he settled back onto the sofa and sipped at his tea.
"Careful," John Paul joked, "You don't want to go trying complicated things like thinking!"
"Oy!"
"Sorry… go on, what were you thinking?"
"How about, next Christmas, we stay here … just the two of us?"
"It's a great idea," John Paul agreed with a smile, "And it was a great idea last year when you thought of it too!"
"Not gonna happen is it?"
"With our two families? Not a chance!"
John Paul could still remember the previous Christmas with perfect clarity. He could recall how nervous he felt walking through the door at the Dog early that afternoon, Craig's hand gripped tightly in his as Frankie greeted them warmly.
But what John Paul remembered most of all was the feeling of sitting around the dinner table, surrounded by the Osbourne's and the Dean's and realising that he was welcome. Not just tolerated but actually welcomed.
Every member of Craig's family had shared a private smile with John Paul during that meal, their eyes thanking him for looking after their boy and their smiles telling him that, while some of them still might not understand their love, they could recognise it for the wonder that it was.
Towards the end of the meal John Paul had laughed as he wiped a drop of gravy from Craig's chin, brushing a soft kiss to the skin that his thumb had just wiped clean, when he realised that Frankie was watching them. John Paul had frozen for a moment, waiting for the flash of disapproval, or worse, disgust, to pass across the woman's face but instead all he saw was a soft smile.
Frankie Osbourne could see that her youngest son was happy, he was in love and he was safe and, although it had sometimes proved to be a struggle, she had finally realised that was what was important.
John Paul had smiled at Frankie, their eyes sparkling together with their shared love of the gentle chocolate-eyed boy. They had both promised never to let him down again and it was a promise neither of them planned to break.
Putting down their empty mugs John Paul and Craig curled into the warmth of each other. They could hear the cold winter wind howling outside but they paid it no attention as they snuggled into their loving embrace.
"Oh I forgot to tell you," John Paul said nodding towards the mantle, "We got a card off Liam today."
"Yeah," Craig leant forward as his eyes sought out the new card amongst the other snowy, glittery and occasionally religious images that their friends and families had sent, finally resting on an unfamiliar looking winter scene, "How's he doing?"
"OK I think… sends his best of course… and mentions some new woman he's been seeing…"
"Good for him… hope it works out this time…"
The two men looked at each other for a while, knowing what the other was thinking and feeling and sharing a moment of sadness and hope for their friend.
"There's nothing worse than not being with the person you love," John Paul said quietly as he pulled Craig back into his arms, safe in the knowledge that he never had to let go again.
There had been a time when being together had been nothing more than a wonderful, if seemingly unobtainable, dream.
They had both suffered and fought insurmountable odds in their desire to find each other again, to wipe away the painful memories of the past and look only to the future.
But they both knew in the end that everything they had been through, every tear and heartbreak, every bruise and threat, every second that they had been apart and had suffered in that separation had been worth it and they would gladly do it all again to be together.
Because that was all they had ever really wanted.
To be together.