Chapter 31 – Earthquake
It had to be years ago that Hermione had heard of a certain spell that came to her mind right now. The fact that she had never even tried to use it should have scared her off – but strangely enough, it didn't. Quite the contrary: she was absolutely sure that this was her last chance to show Severus exactly how she saw him, so she pulled out her wand and took several deep breaths. Relying on her memory that had never let her down in difficult situations, she concentrated, directed the wand towards her chest and said, not taking her gaze off Severus, "Sensum Mitto!"
Immediately, she felt a whirlwind of very strange sensations. It felt as if she'd left the outside world that was made of thoughts and rationality in order to plunge into some kind of inner space that merely consisted of feelings and sentience. Almost invisible at the start, a golden thread started winding from her chest. It curled around the tip of her wand like a ball and started vibrating and growing until it was the size of a small watermelon.
All the while she had been performing her magic, Severus had stared at her with wide open eyes as if he couldn't believe that she was really doing this. It was one of those rare moments when he was unable to hide his thoughts and feelings behind his trademark mask of indifference.
Although Hermione had seen him lose his poise several times already, it was the first time she recognised something in his features that she had never seen on him before: complete and utter shock.
When the golden thread stopped pouring from her chest, Hermione slowly moved her wand towards Severus and watched the golden shimmering ball make its way through his robes and into his chest. Although she knew that she put herself completely at his mercy with this spell, she was not scared one little bit. The spell would disclose her most private feelings to him and even more: it would make him feel the same things she did. Unlike Legilimency, which enabled the caster to read another person's thoughts, the Sensum Mitto spell transmitted one's feelings and made the recipient experience the same sensations with the same intensity... and in the exact order in which the original feelings had developed. Everything related to these emotions – fears, hopes and wishes – was reflected.
She looked into Severus's face and saw him stare down at his chest. The ball had been completely absorbed, and in the next moment, Severus closed his eyes with an almost painful expression. Hermione knew what he felt right now... after all, they were her feelings for him, accumulating in his heart right now.
It started with a very deep feeling of fear that she had felt as an eleven year old when she had seen him down in his dark dungeons for the first time. Fear was replaced by respect and then complemented by trust later on, nurtured by the fact that Albus Dumbledore had trusted him. Fear, respect, trust... these three feelings were whirling around one another, and then, almost imperceptibly, appreciation and admiration joined the throng. She had admired him for his courage and his determination to risk his own life as soon as she had known his role in the war. Admiration turned into shock and sympathy when she had realised how and under which circumstances Voldemort had tried to kill him. Sympathy turned into sadness at the thought of him lying lifeless in the Shrieking Shack... the unacknowledged hero whose courage had no witnesses except Harry, Ron and herself.
Hermione flinched as she became aware of Severus's ashen face. She suspected that the complexity of the feelings he felt right now might be too much for him, but the spell, once cast, could not be stopped.
With his acceptance of being Albus Severus's godfather, other feelings were added: appreciation and happiness about Harry's respect for him – not only for what Severus had done for the whole wizarding world, but also for everything he had done for Harry.
Happiness turned into Hermione's wishes of being respected for her achievements, her hopes that he might see and appreciate how hard she worked to foster her career. The longing for his respect turned into pity when she realised that he was lonely and bitter, hated himself and crawled through life like a ghost, unable to allow himself any happiness or to let the past rest. From pity arose the pressing wish to protect him from himself, to shake everything that tortured him – his inner demons – out of him. She wanted to be able to wipe the darkness that surrounded him away to make a small, bright light penetrate his life and lighten it up.
Severus's face was contorted in the pain he felt, although he had not even reached the most intense feelings yet, as Hermione knew.
When had she stopped seeing the former teacher and become aware of the man? She didn't know it herself, and the feelings attached to this awareness were vague and incoherent. It must have been a gradual process during which she had realised slowly but surely that she started finding his sharp, cynical comments which had made her wince as a student quite attractive now, along with the smoothness of his movements – his long, adept fingers – and the black eyes, as deep as mountain lakes.
She had fought it because she knew that it was impossible and also because she feared his reaction, but the more time passed, the less she was able to deny that she had fallen in love with him. It must have happened after she had witnessed him do everything in his power to save his godson. She was in love with him... and to try and do something against it was like trying to convince the moon to stay away at night.
Severus's eyes were still firmly closed, but his left hand, which had been clenched in a fist a moment ago, was now open and pressed to his chest.
The feelings unleashed by their first and only night so far were a mixture of tenderness, passion and overwhelming happiness. Just like any woman, Hermione had dreams, and the yearning for someone to belong to was a very important part of them. To her, this dream of belonging to Severus had been real up to the moment he told her in round terms what she could expect from him – nothing. What followed was a piercing feeling of despair, embarrassment and frustration. It burned her from the inside, singeing part of her heart and her soul... until Ginny's intervention which showed her that he had pushed her away to protect himself.
From this moment on, seeing the complexity of his very self was much easier, although she realised that she would never fully understand him. He was a broken man who had had to forgo the most elementary things in life for way too long, like friends who would sacrifice something for him or people in whose presence he could be nothing but himself... and love.
And Hermione – she knew it with the same certainty that she knew how to breathe – loved him. It had been a long, painful process until she had realised what was the essence of this love: not her wish to be loved back just the same. She had never experienced this kind of love before because, contrarily to Ron, she did not expect anything. She loved him for who he was, with all his flaws and weaknesses. She wanted him to break out of his pointless and hopeless life and find a way to forgive himself – even if it meant that she could only be his friend, not his partner.
His shoulders sagged as if the last bit of power had left him. Hermione had no experience in these things, but she could imagine that living through another person's feelings must be a very tiring process.
Slowly, she put her wand down. Her voice trembled when she whispered, "I didn't know any other way to make you understand what I see in you, and why."
Severus stayed silent for a very long time. When he opened his eyes, she was shocked to see tears glistening. One of them ran down his pale cheek, and seeing it made her cringe in pain. "Why did you do that?" he asked in a whisper. His voice sounded weak and choked, as if it were thin ice that could break any moment.
"Because I had to," she answered.
Another tear found its way along his hooked nose and dripped onto his robe. She knew that he had no strength left to wipe it away and that he would have never allowed her to witness his tears under different circumstances.
"Severus," she whispered, "now you know everything. I expect nothing. I demand nothing. On the contrary. All I want is for you to turn the page, open a new chapter and leave the past behind. I want you to be happy. You have atoned for your sins long enough."
"I don't know if I can do that." His voice was so low, she almost couldn't hear it. He turned his head left and right, looked everywhere but at her.
"Of course you can!" she insisted. She took a step forward, grabbed the front of his robes and started shaking him. "You must, do you understand? It destroys you, and it keeps pushing you further down all the time. But I won't let that happen, do you hear me? I will not sit back and watch you slowly turn into a dead and lifeless shell! You experienced what I feel for you... There is someone for whom your happiness is more important than her own! And I'm not the only person who cares for you, Severus... your godson loves you unconditionally. Al sees you as the man who cares about him and loves him. He is too small to understand some things. He is but a child, but children do have an instinct for who they can trust and who is a good person. Please, Severus!"
She let go of his robes and took his haggard face into her hands. "Please stop hurting yourself," she managed to say with great difficulty.
Severus did not move or retreat, and after what seemed like eternity, she heard him say, "Help me... please."
She swallowed hard, blinked to fight back her tears and pulled him into her arms. He allowed it, and she could not help but think that he had never before had anyone who wanted nothing but the best for him and his life. Nobody who had cared about his feelings... nobody to offer a helping hand and help him get back on the way he had lost so long ago.
"I will help you," she promised with a firm voice.
She retreated a little to look him in the face. His eyes were full of fear, exhaustion and sadness... but there was also hope.