Claiming that, after Hermione's spell that made him see her innermost thoughts and feelings, Severus changed into a warm and open person who radiated a positive view on life would have been much more than exaggeration; it would have been a flat out lie. His biting sarcasm, curtness and his trademark way of intimidating people by his sheer presence could be changed just as little as his shoe size.
He remained an unsociable, withdrawn man. But it could not be denied that there were changes going on. Changes that were only visible to people who had known him for a very long time. He made an effort to accept the Potters' invitations more often than before, and when he declined, he sometimes even told them why. Hermione realised that this was his attempt to not offend the sensibilities of his few social contacts, and she could not help but hope that, one day, he would be ready to accept the fact that they all cared for him. Mainly she.
The changes were most obvious whenever Severus was with his godson. Albus, unlike his elder brother, was a calm, cautious boy who'd rather look at picture books than romp about for hours. But whenever Severus turned up, he dropped everything to get into Severus's arms and play with him in the garden. Severus just had to realise that his affection for the child was clearly visible, and he had given up the attempts to hide it behind a mask like he had done in the months before the "spell incident". There was no other situation where he could be seen smiling as often as when he was spending time with his godson.
"He looks up to you," Hermione said one Sunday afternoon when she joined the two in the Potters' garden. She was carrying Lily, whose wide-opened eyes followed the ball that Severus had zooming through the air with his wand.
"What did you say?" he asked with a faraway look.
"I sometimes observe him when he is with you. Some days ago, I saw him try to imitate your gait, holding his hands crossed behind his back just like you do so very often. He looks up to you," she repeated quietly.
With a thoughtful expression, Severus's gaze followed Al, who kept jumping and tried to catch the ball. "If he only knew who he's admiring," Severus murmured, and for an almost imperceptible moment, an embarrassed expression flew across his face.
"Stop it, Severus," she said calmly.
They silently looked at each other. Even though his face didn't give anything away, she knew that he thought of the Sensum Mitto charm and of her urgent appeal that he should let bygones be bygones and forgive himself. She had promised to help him, and she did whenever she felt that he allowed his self-hatred to gain the upper hand. Like now.
Severus looked at Albus again, who finally managed to catch the ball and came running towards his godfather in triumphant glee. Severus's gaze became soft as soon as it was on the boy. Hermione gave a soft sigh while she shifted Lily onto her other arm and pressed a light kiss onto her soft hair. "This man is just impossible, don't you agree?" she whispered and nestled against her goddaughter's face.
She had not expected that the process would be easy. She had, in fact, anticipated that he would take three steps forward and at least one step back. But still... Although Severus resembled a lake that had been frozen for years, with a very solid and thick layer of ice around his soul, even the thickest layer of ice could not resist the permanent exposure to warming rays of sunlight on its surface. And, she thought while she saw little Albus extend his arms towards Severus, it seems that this child's love, that asks for nothing and does not condemn anything about his godfather, has already managed to melt a few holes into the ice.
SsSsSsSs
Sometimes, Hermione got the fleeting thought that it would be a good idea to go on a date every now and then. The weeks went by, and although Severus treated her with respect and it seemed as if he enjoyed her company, he did nothing that indicated he had more than feelings of friendship for her. She had forbidden herself to be sad, disappointed or desperate because of it. However, the feeling kept pinching and hurting like a shoe that she'd wear all the time in spite of its constant chafing on the same sore spot. Waiting for Severus to give her any kind of signal that he reciprocated her feelings was like trying to catch fog with bare hands, and she knew it. But that was exactly what she did. It seemed pointless and stupid, but she would feel the same way if she went on a date with a man who meant nothing to her. She didn't lack date opportunities, but the thought of spending the evening with someone, playing the game of new acquaintance, just exhausted her.
And, as often happened, her thoughts flew towards Severus... Every now and then, she had seen him warm up in Harry's and Ginny's presence, just as if he had awakened from a very long nightmare that had held him captive all those years before. Very slowly, the thought that he had to loosen his iron grip on his past if he wanted to lead a resemblance of a normal life seemed to seep into his conscience. He set a very slow pace and moved almost reluctantly.
Old habits die hard, and she knew that sometimes he just had to crawl back into his shell because it was too much for him. These were the situations when they didn't hear or see him for days, but then he would contact them of his own accord.
She never prevented his isolation from society. On one hand, Hermione knew that his occasional retreat just couldn't be helped; on the other hand, she did not consider herself his therapist. She would help him whenever he asked for it, she could encourage him to never give himself up, but she could not relieve him from the decision to forgive himself.
sSsSsSs
"And we're at it again," Harry said while he put some sugar in his tea and stirred it with a frustrated expression.
"Hmm?" Hermione said. She and Harry were sitting in her living room waiting for Ron, who had sent them both an owl suggesting a meeting. Hermione had a slight suspicion that he wanted to tell them about an upcoming marriage and was relieved to notice that she would be happy for him, should the suspicion prove correct.
"Severus," Harry said gloomily. "He is hiding somewhere again. Doesn't answer owls and doesn't come by."
Hermione needed a moment to compose herself before she answered. "I thought that he had finally started living," she murmured.
The thought that all the progress she had thought to see him make had seemingly vanished into thin air made her feel strangely weak. "Me, too," Harry answered. "Sometimes I've just had enough, Hermione. If it weren't for Al... he is so very fond of him. But myself, I sometimes think: to hell with him. I'd rather leave him to his own devices. Just let him wallow in his self-pity to his heart's content!"
She nodded wordlessly. Her first impulse was to Apparate to his house, but she pushed the thought from her mind as soon as it started forming. Then she took a sip of her tea, avoiding Harry's gaze. She was exhausted. No matter what happened, she would not visit him and demand an explanation.
Severus was a grown man, capable of making conscious decisions. If he had decided to isolate himself from everything and everyone, she would not be the one to keep him from doing it. Not now, after she had turned her insides out in front of him. This thought ought to have made her sad and angry, but she felt nothing but a very profound emptiness, as if she had failed her life's greatest challenge in spite of giving everything and a little bit more.
The feeling remained, even when Ron appeared shortly afterwards and confirmed her presumption that he would be getting married soon. She hugged him tightly and buried her face in his shoulder, not caring about the fact that he would probably misinterpret her tears.
sSsSsSs
Five days after Ron's visit, she was sitting at her desk in her apartment, working through some files she should have finished at the office, when she heard the faint scratching of a beak at the window pane. A tawny owl was fluttering in front of her window, and she jumped up to open it and accept the letter that bore her address in a fine, slightly tilted handwriting. Her heart started to beat wildly when she recognised it, and she tore the envelope open with shaking fingers.
If you can find the time this evening, please come to my house at Spinner's End.
S.
sSsSsSs
Her mind was blank when she Apparated to his garden and took some slow steps towards him. Severus was standing next to a high pile that consisted mainly of books and turned in her direction when he heard the loud popping noise.
"Severus," she uttered, "what...?"
"I am moving away," she said calmly. He had not spoken the words very loudly, but they suddenly rang in her ears like the loud wails of a siren.
"You... are moving away?" she repeated the words, and they sounded irritating coming out of her mouth. He nodded with a small smile on his lips. "You will leave your home?" she whispered.
"It has never been a home," he replied. "It was no home during my childhood, and it certainly isn't now. The only things I associate with this house are darkness and cold. I punished myself by staying here."
"But where will you go?" she asked before she was even sure whether she wanted to hear the answer.
He smiled again, and the movement of his mouth was like a slap in her face.
"I have been looking for something suitable these past weeks, and I think I found something that meets my expectations. The house is not very big and certainly not what most people would consider beautiful. But it has what I need, including a cellar I can use for brewing my potions. It's south of London, actually."
Hermione could do nothing but stare at the items he had obviously sorted out and at him, hoping that her brain, which was rather reliable under normal circumstances, would start processing the information at some point.
"I thought you might want to know it," he said when she remained silent. His black eyes locked on hers and she couldn't help but take a step towards him."You are the only person to know until now."
"I... don't know what to say," she whispered. "I thought..."
"That I was withdrawing again," he completed her sentence.
She nodded.
"Sometimes it seems the easier option," he admitted quietly. "But Albus deserves a godfather who is more than just a shadow of himself. He will grow fast and learn many things. Soon, he will ask himself why I live in a dirty hole like a rat. And why I am like I am. I have a responsibility towards him. And..." He stopped, and Hermione realised that he had been about to say something else, but could not bring himself to do it in the last moment.
The panic she had felt moments ago made way for some fluttering feeling inside of her."Will we see your new house soon?" she asked.
Severus rolled his eyes."Of course not. I only told you about it because I intend to turn it into an impenetrable bunker only I have access to."
She could not help but giggle. It felt silly and girlish, but she just could not help herself. Then she became aware of his things that had started tying themselves up into a huge parcel. She heard Severus murmur something and gasped when the house behind her went up in flames.
He grabbed her elbow and dragged her along a few yards to get them away from the heat of the flames. "Thank you for coming," he said.
"Any time," came her breathless answer.
"I will go now, but I will be in contact soon."
Hermione did not know whether she saw the reflection of the flames in his eyes, but something seemed to flicker there. And she swallowed hard when she realised that this was the wing beat of new life.