Tell me that you know
Another way to get it done
It's not me or how I would be
But it's a different situation

A different situation

"Carly!"

I barely have time to drop my bag before Spencer's arms are around me and my feet are leaving the floor and he's squeezing some god awful noise out of me as he bounces around and swings me back and forth like a doll. He smells like paint and hair product and before and I take a deep breath, fill my lungs with it.

"Spencer…can't…breathe…" I grunt and finally Spencer lets me go, setting me on my unsteady feet and gripping my shoulders. "You're happy to see me, I see."

"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be psyched to see my baby sister?" He laughs, pinching my cheeks and I laugh too, swatting his hands away.

"Spencer, c'mon. Stop it." I squeal and Spencer pulls me into another hug that's warm and solid and I lean into him a little bit.

"Hey, you got a new couch." I grin as I take in the apartment and everything is exactly how I remember it, exactly how I needed it to be save for a few new sculptures and the purple couch in the middle of the room.

"Yeah!" He exclaims leading me over to it and i run a hand over the soft material. "The last one had an unfortunate accident." He mumbles the last part and i cock an eyebrow.

"It burst into flames?"

"Yeah," Spencer mutters and I grin, "But then I got this new one and guess what…it's a couch bed!"

"Yay?" I laugh and he nods.

"Of course, yay!" He declares as I sit down on the couch and the cushions sink under my weight in the most comfortable way and Spencer plops down beside me. "So little sister, to what honor do I owe this glorious homecoming?"

"Glorious homecoming?" I laugh and he nods vigorously and I glance around the apartment wistfully, glad to finally be home. "Freddie and I… we aren't…" I start swallowing hard, meeting Spencer's gaze and he gives me a sympathetic smile.

"Say no more little sis. Whatever you need, I'm here for you." He says slinging his arm over my shoulder and pulling into a much gentler hug, his lips pressing to my hair and I hug him back tight, as tight as I can.

I was scared to leave Freddie but I should've known that Spencer would always take care of me.

[ ]

I had a plan.

There are pages upon worn out, ink stained pages of things I want to say to Sam, hidden inside of the folds of my clothes, deep inside my still packed bags. Things that need to be said but I'm not even sure how I will get them out and I've only been home for a week and a half and these things, these delicate, life changing things need time.

But I'm standing in line, reading a trashy magazine with glossy pages and listening to the senior citizen in front of me pay for her forty dollar groceries in rolls of nickels when I hear her voice and realize in that crippling, heart stalling way that realization sometimes is, that I'm out of time.

"C'mon lady, hurry it up. I don't have all day."

And I know that brashness and impatience and my heart immediately speeds up and maybe its in a foot race with my lungs to see which vital organ will explode first because that's what it feels like in my torso as everything presses out against my ribs. I lean back a little, peering pass the old lady's massive hat and it's Sam.

This was not apart of the plan and I have to wonder if Spencer might've set me up when he sent me to Hey Foods! For a few things but I don't dwell on my brothers possibly treason.

God, its Sam.

There's a beat of deafening silence for a moment and I'm sure everything in my chest has ruptured because there's nothing, no breath, no heartbeat, just this sickening swimming feeling as I watch my Wahoo punch, toothpaste and loaf of bread glide forward on the black belt.

I think about running, about pushing past the other custome with their carts and outside in the sun and heat where I know it'll be easier to drag in a breath but there's a line behind me and there's no way I can hurdle over the big ponytailed guy behind me or shove the old lady in front of me out of the way without breaking her hip and all I can do is watch my meager three items slide forward and curse myself for picking the 10 item or less line instead of the regular check out stand.

"Do you have a Hey Foods rewards card?" Sam asks, head dipped and eyes focused on rearranging her drawer and I can't speak at first, I just manage this god awful rasping noise before I take a breath and talk.

"No, I-I don't." I whisper, surprising myself when my vocal chords actually work.

"Yeah, me either." Sam says looking up with a smirk that fades instantly and then her blue eyes, blue eyes that I've thought about but could never get quite right without the help of the photographs of us that I kept hidden under me and Freddie's bed, are sliding up to meet mine.

"Carly." She squeaks and geez, it's been forever since I've seen her and she looks different. Different in the way that people do when you haven't seen them in a lifetime, different in the way her face is a little slimmer, the way her bangs have completely grown out. Different but exactly the same.

"Sam." And it feels like her name tumbles off of my tongue in the worst, most awkward way. "Sam" I say it again and it's a little better.

She's staring at me like I beamed down from a space ship or something and I don't blame her.

My mind goes to the last time I saw her, in the back alley of the Bushwell Plaza while mine and Freddie's farewell party raged on upstairs in the loft and Sam had been so beautiful, all dressed up to watch me leave her. I was crying and she was crying, tasting just like tears that last time I kissed her and she didn't tell me that she loved me, didn't tell me to stay either because she knew it was practically the same thing.

She'd just given me the saddest smile when I told her that I loved her, forever, and whispered 'I know.' Before letting me go.

The memory hits me hard and my heart gives a pounding thump that brings me out of my reverie and Sam licks her lips very carefully like she's going to speak.

"Paper or-or plastic?"

That's it.

I'm running before I realize it, apparently more than capable of shouldering past the old lady, tearing through the supermarket without my groceries. Pushing past shoppers and sliding through the automatic doors before they're barely open.

I see her car in the parking lot, and god, how did I not notice it before? Still beat up and taking up three parking spaces. Too much space for something so small, just like Sam and I nearly face plant on the blacktop but I keep my feet and run a little harder.

I don't make it far, maybe a block though probably less, because running has never really been my thing, before a hand is grabbing at my shirt, my arm and pulling and jerking me to a stumbling stop.

"Carly."

Its Sam, of course it is, and I wonder briefly how completely crazy must I have looked being chased down the street by a Hey Foods employee but my focus turns to Sam and the way her face is flushed red, the way she chased me instead of just letting me go. "Carly, what're you doing here?"

Her voice sounds like she's going to cry but her eyes are dry and I blink down at her hand as it slides from my elbow to my wrist then away completely.

"What're you doing here?" She cries again and I swallow and glance around at the curious passerbys because God, this was a complete accident. I didn't mean to even see her, I wasn't ready.

"I was just buying groceries. I didn't know that you…that you worked there." I manage, pressing my fingers to my forehead and suddenly it feels like I'm going to cry. Like I need to cry, to scream, to grab her and hold her.

Sam is just watching, breathing harder than she should for such a short run, eyebrows all furrowed and tangled in an expression I can't read. "What're you doing in town?" She asks, voice cracking a little and the sound stings my ears.

And I don't even know how to tell her what's happened, that I've been so unhappy, that being with Freddie was what I thought I wanted but it wasn't what I needed. That maybe she's what I need.

"Just…visiting." I finally croak and her blue eyes bounce around my face, sliding over my features and I know she knows I'm lying, that there's more but she doesn't say anything just swallows hard once, twice, one more time before turning on her heel and just like that she's stalking back to her store, blonde hair tangling behind her.

I watch her until she disappears into the crowd of people before turning and stumbling home.

Spencer looks up from the giant pot he's stirring on the stove as I come through the door, moving too fast to the downstairs bathroom and then I'm on my knees in front of the toilet. And it feels like everything I've ever felt, ever suppressed or hidden or pretended is forcing its way up my chest, my throat.

Spencer's there as soon as it starts, holding back my hair and rubbing my back, asking me what happened.

Something inside of me, whatever it is that seems to be breaking free, finally cracks open and spills out and I'm crying these hard, painful sobs while I tell him everything.

Everything.

About me and Freddie and about me and Sam and the weird, twisted triangle we made and how I felt. How I hurt and how I pretended and how I couldn't do anymore even though I so badly wanted to be as perfect as everyone thought I was. How my feelings for Sam have so much to do with everything.

And if I'd known, if I'd known that if I just told Spencer and let him help me, let him be my older, more worldly, brother than it could help because even as I lay in a heap in Spencer's arms on the bathroom floor, I feel a little better.

[ ]

"So, are you going to talk to her?"

I glance up at Spencer as he digs another spoonful of ice cream out of the carton, dropping it into my bowl.

"I want to but I don't know what I would say. How I can make her…" I trail off with an aimless shrug watching Spencer drop another scoop.

"Ya know, relationships are kinda like ice cream." Spencer starts and I roll my eyes a little as Spencer's mouth twists up thoughtfully.

"You eat too much and you get fat?"

"No," he starts, taking a spoonful right out of the carton as I pull my bowl back towards me on the other side of the breakfast bar. "At first it's this, sugary sweet mixture of perfect deliciousness but eventually it starts to melt and turns into a sticky, goopy mess and it's all gross, right?"

"Right." I nod and Spencer shakes his head rather dramatically.

"Wrong little sister, I mean usually that's true but everyone has a choice flavor of ice cream that's perfect for them. If it's right out of the container or if it's been sitting in a bowl refrozen for a week, it doesn't matter, its always good. There's just some ice cream you'll eat and enjoy no matter what."

I eye him suspiciously, licking at my spoon. "That was oddly moving and philosphical."

Spencer looks at me very serious for a moment, eyebrow arching slowly, "I know."

"So," I start, swallowing down some ice cream. "You're okay with…everything?"

"Everything?"

"You know, with me and Sam and everything?" I mumble and Spencer smiles, reaching his long arms towards me to cuff my chin.

"You're my little sister and I love you no matter what." He smiles, "I just want you to be happy."

"Me too." I sigh, tapping my spoon against the bowl.

"Well, maybe you should start from scratch with Sam. Ya know, just get back to being friends before trying for anything more." Spencer suggests around the spoon in his mouth and I can't help but wonder if my brothers gotten smarter in my absence but then he bites his tongue with a yelp and maybe he's always been like this.

"Spence? You're the best." I whisper and he smirks, holding his tongue.

"I am aware of this."

[ ]

I'm planning to go hunt Sam down and talk to her even though, despite the crumpled notebook in my bags full of words, I have no idea what I'm going to say but I just need to talk to her.

But Sam's Sam and she makes it ridiculously easy three days later when I trudge up to my bedroom after dinner with Spencer and she's standing in the middle of the room.

"Boo." She breathes, mouth twisting into a wry expression and yeah, my heart is pounding in my chest as I shut the door but it has nothing to do with her unannounced visit and more with the fact that its Sam standing in my room like she hasn't in ages.

"How did you get in here?" I question through my rattled nerves and I follow her gaze to the open window, curtains fluttering with the wind before looking back at her and she looks uncomfortable.

Her hands are tucked inside of her jean pockets and her eyes are dark blue in the dim light and as I struggle to breathe, I realize how much I've missed her. There's a rush of emotion that practically hurts because this isn't the shock of meeting at Hey Foods!, it's different, it's looking at Sam like I haven't in over a year and I have to clamp down on the feeling. Save it for later.

"So," She shuffles her feet, lips pressed together in a line. "Long time no see."

"Except for the supermarket thing earlier."

"Yeah, except for that." She shrugs, eyes darting around my room, resting on the still unpacked bags stacked sloppily in the corner. "I'm sorry for just…ya know, breaking in…"

"Its fine." I blurt, cutting her off. "It's fine."

And then Sam's are tracking over me like she's never seen me, like I'm some kinda stranger and I tug on my shirt hopelessly.

"So…we should probably talk."

I nod.

[ ]

I watch her legs swing over the city, back and forth and back again, while lights dance under her shoes and I grip the bars of the fire escape and try not to stare at her. She hasn't spoken and neither have I since we made it out to the fire escape, the air warm and heavy while we sit on the metal balcony, legs dangling through the bars.

I press my forehead to the warm metal, the only thing keeping us from plummeting down to the city below, tipping my chin to watch Sam shift back and root around in her pocket for a moment before pulling out a piece of candy.

She unwraps it with shaking fingers that give away her nerves before popping the candy in her mouth and letting the wrapper flutter away.

I watch the stupid piece of foil, flip and flutter, trying to save itself, trying to float but it's useless because something about Sam has always been destructive. The wrapper floats lower and lower until its out of sight and I can just imagine it landing perfectly on someone's windshield, blinding them for just that moment and causing a four car pile up or maybe hitting someone in the face, maybe scratching their cornea because that's the kind of destructive Sam can be from just one touch.

She's destructive and I want her to destroy me.

I want her to touch me and burn away all of those lies and pretend, false things that I created because I wanted to be normal when I should've just been me.

"Carls, what're you doing here?" Her voice is low, barely audible over the sound and movement of the city streets that still reach us all the way up here.

"I just needed to come home." I breathe honestly, watching her legs kick back and forth slowly before looking up at the sky and the city's lights are so bright I can barely see the stars.

"What happened?" She asks and now she's looking at me but I don't look back, keep my face tilted upwards and close my eyes as the wind rustles my hair on my shoulders.

I think about lying because old habits die hard but I remember that I don't want to pretend in front of her anymore. I want her to see me, raw and naked and at my worst.

"Me and Freddie we just…" I sigh, dropping my chin to watch her and she's watching me. "We just aren't working." I laugh weakly but I don't tell her anymore because I don't want to scare her off. I don't want to tell her everything just yet because I want…I don't even know. I do know that I really would like it if she just kept watching me like she is.

I don't tell her that I may have burned my life down for her.

"For how long?

I shrug, licking my cold lips absently, while Sam's fingers curl then uncurl around the bars in my peripheral vision.

"What about school?" She asks and that's an excellent question but not really my priority right now and I shrug again and remember when I use to be better with words.

"I'll take a few classes at the community college next semester, I guess. I don't know." I mutter and Sam smiles, this slow grin that spreads out across her mouth and it's the first time she's smiled at me since forever and something warm and bubbly swells in my chest. "What?"

"I missed you." She whispers and then she's brushing her hair out of her face with both hands.

"I missed you too." I say back and mean it with every fiber of my being. "And you changed your hair."

Sam laughs at that, low and soft. "I know, well you weren't here to tell me to get a haircut."

"I'm sorry." I whisper earnestly and I'm sorry for more than my failure to remind her to get her ends trimmed, I mean it for everything.

Sam swallows hard, turning back to the city and I stare at her profile. "It's okay." She whispers.

There's a silence that swallows us up as Sam swings her legs sideways and the side of her shoe brushes mine and I push back a little.

"So, you and Freddie…are you guys broken up or are you just…?" Sam asks softly and I cut her off.

"Yes. Yeah, we're broken up."

"Okay." She whispers, bright eyes darting to mine and I nod.

"Okay."

There's more silence and I manage a weak breath when Sam's feet kick against mine playfully and I push back eagerly.

"Sam, what're you doing here?" I question because it's my turn and I wonder if the thing that brought me back to Seattle is the same thing that brought her to the loft.

She's silent for a minute, a smile that looks so sad, pulling at her pink lips before she looks at me. "I don't know."

Is all she says and I swallow, turning away and back down to the city.

"So, I should probably get going." She murmurs softly, stretching her legs and pointing her toes. "Its getting late and I have class in the morning."

The way my heart sinks is indescribable as I watch her stand, dusting off her jeans.

"Well, do you have to?" I ask, scrambling up after her and brushing off my butt. "I mean, can't you stay a little longer?"

"No. I probably shouldn't." She whispers and I nod, wrapping my arms around myself and God, I don't want her to leave.

And then she's climbing down the fire escape despite Spencer's explicit instructions that fire escape were to only be used in case of emergency. I give her a meager wave as she hits the streets and she shoots me a salute and I wonder if maybe this was one of the emergencies he was talking about.

I sit out there a while longer before I force myself back through the window and into bed still wearing my jeans and sneakers as the rush of emotion I'd clamped down on before erupts and I'm pressing my face into my pillow and crying hot, burning tears.

[ ]

We're not friends.

It hurts to think about it but its obvious because once upon a time me and Sam where like macaroni and cheese, like peanut butter and jelly, like ketchup and mustard or any other two foods that go good together and now, well now we're somewhere between acquaintances and complete strangers.

We talk on the phone for brief amounts of times and sometimes we meet in very public, well lit places to hang out with a group that consists of at least 3 other people and Sam's taking precautions and it hurts but I understand.

I'm staring at the television, pretending to watch it and not the clock because I sort of, maybe, invited Sam to dinner with me and Spencer and she kind of said she would try to come and Spencer's almost done with the spaghetti tacos and yeah, the plans are extremely tentative but I want her to come.

"Hey Kiddo, you ready for chow?" Spencer calls and I glance at the cell phone in my hands before standing, tucking it into my pocket regretfully.

"Yeah, I guess." I mutter, shuffling towards the kitchen and Spencer brushes his hair out of his eyes.

"Sam's not coming?" He asks sympathetically and I shrug, slumping into my seat.

"Well, our plans were tentative." I mumble just as the door flings open and the sheer nostalgia of the moment Sam comes into the apartment uninvited but totally welcome makes my head swim as I push to my feet eagerly.

"How goes it Shays." She greets rubbing her hands together and licking her lips and I'm wearing the widest, stupidest grin like ever but I can't help it. "Mama smells food."