Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Pairing: BL

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Chapter 12: You hold on to what you feel is true

there's nothing else to do
what's done is done
you hold on to what you feel is true
and now it's killing you...

----BL----

Ever since his days in high school and his admission to the basketball team (his invitation card to the 'popular card' of sorts), Lucas didn't spend a lot of time alone, mostly by accident and partially by choice. He was always in some kind of relationship and the time he spent single could be counted in days, if weeks. So it was not an assumption but a fact that he was a type of guy who was fairly comfortable in woman's company, whether a person in question was a friend or a girlfriend. But somehow, when it came to Brooke Davis all those rules didn't seem to apply. It wasn't that she made him uncomfortable or anything like that but there was just a different kind of feel to it, hanging out with her. Somehow, her mood had a way of rubbing off of him. And that's why today he felt like smiling for the first time in so long. Because she was smiling too at some stupid joke he made and he was sure this was the first time since the accident that she was relaxed enough to laugh at something so innocent, just letting herself be, without that feeling of guilt there, giving him the glimpse of a girl he fell in love with.

After the modest breakfast she ate at that café she looked a lot less pale and much more upbeat, her steps feeling much more confident and at ease, less automatic than before. Her eyes didn't look as dull with the sun reflecting in the bright hazel green, those dark eyelashes standing out in contrast.

"It really does feel good." she confessed, interrupting his particular train of thoughts.

"What?" he asked.

"To laugh. Especially here, in New York… I didn't do that often since college, that's for sure. Unless if it was for paparazzi that is, but that doesn't count." she retorted "So yeah, it feels good but also kind of wrong, I dunno…"

"You shouldn't feel guilty just because Victoria can't see anything but herself. You know I'm right." he said, wishing he could do more to prove his point to her.

"I know. And I'm getting there. Slowly." she said.

"I'm glad." he said with a smile "And you should do it more often…laugh I mean." he said and there was a brief silence before he added "It suits you."

She rewarded him with a small smile before looking down at her hands.

"You know, Lindsay's a great girl." Brooke said, changing the subject as she felt her cheeks heat up.

"That's what they say." he joked.

"Although she doesn't seem like your type."

"Why's that? he asked, curious "Too good looking?"

"Too mature." she said before elaborating "She just seems like she has it all figured out at twenty five."

"Yeah, she kind of does." he admitted "Especially since she got rid of my sorry ass." he said, only half joking and she laughed. "But then again, where's the fun in that?"

"Yes. It's much better to have a life that can be compared to a train wreck or any other disaster of your choice." she said, not sure if she meant it as a joke or just describing her own life, which was kind of the same.

"We're still young, Brooke. At this age no one has their life figured out."

She gave him the look and he laughed.

"Except Lindsay that is." he said with a slight curve of his lips.

"And Nathan and Haley." she pitched in helpfully, dimples showing.

"That's not fair." he said "And it's not like they…" he paused as they neared the traffic light.

They walked down the sidewalk and stopped to cross the street before resuming their pace. He was a fast walker but she didn't have trouble catching up, while talking animatedly at the same time. It was quite impressive for him to see her in her own element, the years spent in New York showing in her every gesture and Lucas didn't really say much, letting her take the lead, enjoying his role as an observer much more. It was his default mode really as a writer.

But he must be getting rusty with that also because he didn't even notice when she suddenly became silent.

And it took him some time to realize that he was alone, that she wasn't walking beside him anymore. He turned to see her standing a few short feet away, unmoving. She took her time, observing the large building in front of them as if she was seeing it for the first time, unsure what to do.

"Brooke?"

She blinked a few times before looking up at him "Hm?"

"Did you forget something?" he asked, already turning to go with her back to the restaurant. She must've left her cell phone or something there.

"No." she retorted "I just don't feel like going inside." 'It's a beautiful day outside, why ruin it?' she thought, her bitter side getting the best of her.

Knowing Lucas she expected him to object, to say something to make her change her mind so when he said "Okay." agreeing with her she was rendered speechless.

He looked at her casually and with such ease and no judgment at all, like it was completely alright not to go and see your sick mother in the hospital, when he said "So what do you wanna do now?"

"I don't know, stare at the sky, sit on that wet bench over there…crawl in my bad under the soft cowers and hide, or maybe go to Las Vegas or L.A., or make out…" she stopped suddenly as Luke's cheeks slowly turned into a bright shade of red "Okay that last one totally slipped away, but you get the point."

"I believe I do." he said, proud of himself for remaining so composed.

"Good. So what do you think? L.A. or Vegas?"

"As tempting as that sounds I'll have to pass." he said deflating her good mood.

"Yeah, I agree. Vegas is so cliché. But I hear San Francisco is amazing during summer time." she said suggestively.

"What about New York?"

"I'm not so fond of that one." she said with a frown.

"It's the capital of the world. You can't top that."

She remained silent for a second before answering "But it has one big flaw."

"What's that?"

She gestured towards the hospital with her hand and Luke nodded.

"Well, than I guess we'll have to work on that one."

"Believe me I've tried. Many times." she pointed out, thinking of all the times she tried to reason with her mother but failed miserably. Talking to Victoria was like talking to a tall brick wall.

"Maybe… but this time you have one advantage."

"I do?"

"Of course." he retorted confidently.

"And what would that be?" she asked.

"Yours truly." he said with a grin.

"I see." she said matching his grin.

"Brooke, listen, I think you should go in there and talk to her and if she refuses to see you that's fine… because you know you tried. If she's ready to lose a daughter like you than she's not as smart as I thought she was."

She stared at him for a moment, contemplating his words "And what if I'm not ready to lose her, knowing I'm partially to blame?"

Luke sighed "How many times do I have to repeat that what happened wasn't your fault for it to get into that pretty head of yours?"

"A couple of hounded times at least." she answered honestly.

"Alright then. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault…"

"Luke!" she yelled, exasperated and a little impressed he was actually willing to do it just so he could convince her into something she knew was the truth but still didn't make it any easier to not feel guilty about.

"What?" he said, finally stopping. God she looked adorable with that smile on her face.

"I believe you." she said quietly, meaning it.

"Really? Because I can go on." he said, smirking.

"You don't have to." she said "But it would be interesting to see how long it would take you to say it."

He laughed before saying "So… ready to go in and face the infamous Victoria Davis?"

"Victoria Dorothy Davis." Brooke corrected.

"Dorothy? Are you seriously scared of the woman with a name like Dorothy?" Luke asked with a smile.

She smiled at him, standing up.

"Here goes nothing." she said with a sigh.

They walked inside hand in hand, so guess it wasn't nothing after all.

----BL----

Not even a minute after they walked out of the elevator and on their floor of the hospital Brooke's phone started to ring and she read the Caller ID to see who it was. The name Peyton Sawyer flashed in plain black letters against the white surface and she smiled.

"I should…" she said and he nodded in agreement as Brooke moved to the side, trying to find some quiet corner where she could talk in peace.

Lucas proceeded to the waiting room but then suddenly stopped a few short steps from his destination, turning left towards the area where the rooms were. He glanced once again in the direction where Brooke was and after seeing she was still engaged in the conversation he proceeded to walk down the long hallway.

It was time to meet the infamous Victoria Davis.

----BL----

He opened the door slowly, preparing himself for the sight that awaited him on the other side. All those stories and words he heard about her mixed together, a distorted image of a tall, strong woman with determined eyes and posture coming to his mind, making him hesitate for a second. And then it was replaced by the image of Brooke in his arms, last night, looking so small and fragile, pleading with him to help her and that infinite feeling of helplessness that consumed him, eating away at his very core.

He pushed the door open so violently as if something was actually placed on the other side, keeping him from getting in so he had to use extra force. The sound echoed in the spacey room and the woman on the bed opened her eyes, looking straight at him.

It wasn't what he expected, that was for sure. Brown hair, small frame and strong brown hazel eyes – Brooke in ten years. Looks can be deceiving, he reminded himself and was proven so a few short moments later when she spoke, her words laced with venom "Who are you?"

"Lucas Scott, a friend of Brooke's." he said quickly.

"What happened to Blake?" she asked, straight to the point.

Lucas winced before answering "He had some emergency at work apparently so he left."

"Right." she said "And what are you doing here, I thought they only allowed visitation for family members."

"They do." he agreed "But I don't see a whole lot of that here. In fact the only real family you have is Brooke and you..."

"Look, I've been in an accident and I just want to rest now. I don't have time for a heart to heart with Brooke's latest conquest."

"Well, you better make some because I'm not leaving." he said firmly, the steadiness of his own voice surprising even himself "And Brooke and I are just friends." he clarified.

"I'm sure you are." she said, obviously not believing him, as she set up a little straighter to take a better look at him.

"I don't really care what you believe. I came here to talk about your daughter."

"What about Brooke?" she asked.

"What you said to her…last night was not true."

She smirked, looking at him with a certain dose of amusement "Well, well she sent her little boy toy to defend her. How lovely."

"She doesn't even know I'm here. And if you knew your daughter at all you'd know she's strong enough to defend herself without my help."

She didn't say anything to that.

"However, what you did last night was wrong and low, even for someone like you. I might not know you but I know that was not the way to treat your only daughter."

"I didn't do anything except tell her the truth."

"You mean your version of it." he corrected.

"It doesn't really matter. Why do you even care?"

"Because I don't like to see her hurt. And because that's what friends do. A foreign concept to you, I'm sure." he said, knowing he has crossed the line but it was the only thing he could do to erase those teary hazel eyes from his mind. And he has dealt with numerous rejections and corporate people, CO's of publishing companies while working on his first book that made Victoria's insults sound almost nice compared to that.

"Well, she really has you all tied up." she said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow in clear amusement.

Lucas looked at her, perplexed as she continued "Coming in here like a true knight in shining armor… Impressive, I must say."

"Believe me she doesn't need any knight to save her, she does that all by herself. And after meeting you I see why she has to, why she never lets anyone else take care of her." he said, trying to remain calm but feeling his temper raise.

Victoria remained silent and it was obvious his words got to her even though her face remained impassive as she said "Have you thought that maybe it's better that way?" she asked him "This world is not a funhouse and sure, I wasn't a great mother but if all that made her skin thicker and helped her survive in the real world than I don't regret it."

Her words astounded him and he didn't know what to say to that. What could he say? All that sick, twisted logic aside, was there actually a heart there, hiding beneath that tough exterior?

He was interrupted by the sound of the doors opening and he turned to find Brooke standing there, still holding a door knob, looking rather upset.

"Brooke…" he started, trying to think of a decent explanation for this little visit but finding none. "I'm sorry I… just gonna go…" he said lamely, walking up to the door and past Brooke trying not to wince at her piercing gaze.

He barely made it a few steps down the hallway when he heard her call out his name, before following, her heals echoing with the dull noise as they collided with the white tiles. He stopped walking, waiting for her to catch up with him.

"Brooke, I'm sorry for this but I just…" he started, not really sure what he should be apologizing for but drowning under her unforgiving gaze all the same.

"Luke, you had no right to go in there." she said, cutting him off, her eyes hard.

He watched her, her words feeling like an unexpected punch in the gut "You're right, I didn't." he said with resolve "I'm not Blake and I don't have any idea why I even came here at all." he finished, before turning to walk away, the anger blinding him, making it impossible to stay still any longer.

She stayed in her place, unflinching, without saying anything, only intensifying his need to move. He wasn't needed here anymore (Was he ever, the bitter, anger fueled side of him wondered).

The elevator was just a step away when he heard her yell "Wait!" in a small, uncertain voice.

That one word buried him in place, but he didn't turn around knowing that if he did that he'd never have the strength to leave. The beeping sound of the elevator door opening brought him back to reality, inviting him, the feeling of jealousy, anger clouding everything else and all could do was look up and step inside a small confined box, letting the doors close, clicking with a certain dose of finality. It wasn't until she disappeared from his line of sight when that real, physical obstacle stood between them that it all hit him, but it was too late.

When he came down to the lobby he waited there for good ten minutes, the anger deflating, leaving his body so fast he was left with nothing but the emptiness only she could fill. He waited, but she never came.

----BL----