Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Pairing: BL always
Summary: Learning sometimes means soul searching. There are no words to calm that kind of hurting.
AN: First of, I should apologize for not updating but RL was really kicking my ass and the exams weren't that much fun either. But I'm done with school for now so here's to hoping you won't have to wait another month for the next update :) And as always, a big thank you to everyone that reviews this story, you guys keep me going.
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Chapter 13: One is the loneliest number
All I know is to act now and hold on, this one's the real one
Just calm down, don't look back, this is what we never had
I never felt so alive 'til I saw blue eyes…
----BL----
She didn't miss him.
That's what she'd said all those years ago (a lifetime ago really) when in reality she missed him too much. If there was one thing she was sure of, it was that she didn't depend on other people, call it a survival instinct or just her reality but she never really relied too much on another person in her life (she never had anyone to rely on most of the time, except maybe Peyton but that didn't turn out all that great either). And then he turned all that around, before she even realized it she found herself needing another person, aching for him. Needles to say the realization scared her like nothing else ever did.
It scared her that maybe she didn't know herself that well, that maybe she wasn't as fierce and independent as she thought and that there was someone who broke her walls and found a way into her heart which also meant that he was the one person in her life that could hurt her more than anyone else.
The logical conclusion she draw from all that, judging by their past was that she had to end it before he'd hurt her again because she could bounce back from that. And they were both leaving for college soon and she'd be moving anyway. Surely, he'd suggest they try a long distance relationship and she'd agree because she loves him and then it would end one night with his phone call and her tears.
She couldn't let that happen, so that night she ended up in his room, trying to look away from his wounded expression and those pleading eyes as she told him that she couldn't do this anymore. Not without losing her heart. So she pushed him away saying she didn't miss him, knowing it was the only way to make him see there was nothing left to fight for.
It was the only thing she could think of saying really. I don't love you seemed like too big of a lie for even her to believe in.
When she left his house and walked outside, the fresh evening air grazing her face she tried to take a breath only to find out she couldn't. Her heart pounded so hard she thought she'd die and not even when the first tears fell down her flushed cheeks did she find any relief. It was the price she paid for one thing she couldn't live without, control. The weeks passed and she learned to breathe through the pain as his eyes somehow stopped trying to find hers in the hallway, as her heart finally stopped being so damn loud in his vicinity and let her think, let her work. That was the beginning of her career and the end of fear and the possibility of love as well.
But when she heard him talk to Victoria at the hospital yesterday, standing up for her, she could almost feel herself fall for him all over again, even more so than before but the images of the past flooded her mind ("I just want you to know how sorry I am for what I did" "You're just like every other guy…") and she yelled and screamed, pushing him away again to save her heart even when she knew it was too late for that anyway. She watched him go, willing herself to let him leave but in the end the heart won the battle over reason and she called out his name.
But it was too late anyway. It always was with them.
Yes, she didn't miss him. That's what she was trying to convince herself now as she went through the papers in her office. What was another lie in the sea of others? Nothing but a drop of salty water like the one that found her way down her cheek ending its journey with a splash on her brand new designs.
"Damn it." she swore as she wiped the sketches.
Victoria was released from the hospital yesterday, with nothing more than a prescription for some pain meds and a recommendation of bed rest. Needles to say Brooke has offered her to stay at her place because apparently she wasn't miserable enough as it was. Nothing like Victoria to make your day at home better, if by better you meant 'being annoying, demanding, make you want to stick a handful of nails in your eyes rather than listen to her utter another word'. Although, for a while she was willing to listen to all her crazy demands and bring her newspapers, coffee, clothes from her apartment at 2 am and whatnot because it proved to be a good escape route. She didn't have time to think about …things if she was busy being pissed at mommy dearest. But even she had her limits.
And that's why she was sitting in her office even though she was still officially on vacation, avoiding Victoria like plague, acting like a five year old who was playing hide and seek with her parents. It's never too late to make up for the lost childhood memories, one way or the other, she thought bitterly.
After hours of listening to her mother complain and feeling cornered in her own apartment Brooke was blessed with silence. She breathed a sigh of relief, stretching out her legs, letting go of the sketch pad, the pencil rolling off from her hand and onto the floor as she leaned her head on the leather chair, closing her eyes.
It's been a while since she actually slept but she couldn't really blame Victoria for that one. Her mind was a bigger mess then a New York fashion week backstage and whenever she tried to get some sleep she was faced with that mess that kept her up until the wee morning hours when she'd finally fall asleep overwhelmed with exhaustion.
Her phone rang, making her jump in her chair before going through a mountain of papers and digging it out to answer.
"Hello."
"Brooke, you have a call on line 2."
"I told you not to direct any calls here Millicent. I'm not here remember?"
"I know but…"
"No buts, just tell whoever it is that I'm not here or that I'm on some meeting or you now throwing up my lunch in the bathroom or something."
"But Miss Davis it's Miss Gatina. She says it's an emergency." Millie explained.
"Rachel? Why is she… I'll take the call please."
"Alright."
She heard the beeping sound before the call was transferred and she answered it in a rather annoyed voice. "Hello?"
"Hello? That's all you have to say for yourself?" came an also annoyed response from the other side "Seriously?"
Brooke sighed, becoming impatient "For God's sake it's… " she started before looking up at the clock on the wall "…5 pm." she finished, deflating. Was it only just 5? She was so exhausted and so not in the mood for this conversation.
"Four something here."
"What do you want Rachel? I'm not in the mood."
"Seriously?"
"Will you stop repeating yourself, it's annoying!"
"Well, I'm sorry I'm spoiling your afternoon but I'm sitting here at this stupid place wearing stupid pink."
"So?"
"Pink Brooke. Pale pink, as if I'm some kind of a Paris Hilton wannabe. God, I can't even look at myself." she said "And it's way too sunny for a late afternoon."
Brooke took a breath and leaned back in her chair "Is there some point in this little tirade of yours?"
"You should've been here wearing pink. Not me. I don't do pink." Rachel said seriously.
"Why would I be…" and then it came to her. Haley's renewal. That seemed like million miles away from her, almost a different world. And it was in a way, she thought. God, she hasn't even called to wish Haley good luck or just say hi. Self centered much?
"Yeah." Rachel sighed, breaking the silence.
"Where are you?"
"Some cheesy restaurant by the beach that I knew the name of like an hour ago but I'm pretty sure I'm too drunk to remember that now."
"Rachel!" Brooke said, her voice raising a couple of octaves. She was certain she raised a couple of eyebrows i outside her office.
"Seriously these cutesy purple and blue non alcoholic cocktails are worse than vodka and tequila combined." Rachel said nonchalantly as if she hasn't almost given her a heart attack.
"For a moment there I thought I'd have to get to Tree Hill and drag your ass to yet another rehab clinic." Brooke joked.
"You'd really come here? Okay then I am drunk. Like 'can't stand on my Manolo's drunk."
"Funny. Where is Haley?"
"Dancing with Nathan at sunset. Believe me it's much cheesier than it sounds."
"Good." Brooke said, glad that her friends are at least having find.
"Easy for you to say. You aren't the one that has to put up with the front row view. Sober." Rachel said and Brooke could practically see her roll her eyes.
"You're just jealous." Brooke stated.
Instead of an answer she was met with silence, before Rachel said "What if I am?"
"I'd be to, if I were there." Brooke confessed, looking around her office, the sudden chill that run down her back making her want to turn up the air condition. The place looked too cold, pale white drapes, dark cabinet, a table bursting with papers, no personal pictures, not even a damn plant. She planned to decorate it but never could find time to do it. Was she really so busy that she didn't even have time to buy a damn cactus?
She opened the last drawer of her desk and pulled out a pretty dark red scrapbook she made as a present for Haley and Nathan. Careful not to drop the phone she opened the book, skimming through pages until she found what she was looking for. It was an old picture, the only one she had of the whole group together. It was taken, ironically enough, in front of Rachel's' cabin, right before they left. She pulled it out and placed it on the desk, the books at the edge of the table serving as support.
Her lips turned up in a satisfied grin.
"But don't you already have that?"Rachel asked bringing her back from her dreamland.
"How could I possibly…"
"Oh c'mon pretty boy here has been sitting at that table looking like someone just burned his Gilmore Girls DVD's, all seasons. And we've all been instructed not to mention you in any context in his presence. I think he's missing his favorite dance partner. And a haircut, but that's a whole different story."
Brooke was silent.
"What happened in New York Brooke?"
"It's complicated." Brooke said, not really sure that covered it. But it was the closest word to describing the tangled web they were in.
She heard Rachel sigh in frustration, trying to keep her voice down.
"And when was love ever easy?" Rachel asked with a dry laugh "Because if it was I'd be married by now. I mean I'm totally hot and rich and…single. Really, how can that even be possible?"
"Because all men are pigs?" Brooke said sarcastically.
"Okay I'll give you that. But every once in a while you come by a decent one."
Now it was Brooke's turn to sigh. She knew who Rachel was talking about and the problem was that she kind of had a point. "I guess you're right but with Luke and me it's just so damn…"
"…complicated, I know." Rachel repeated her own words and Brooke could practically see her rolling her eyes at the other end "I'm sorry to burst your bubble but it kind of always is. As someone wise once said, they don't write songs about then one that come easy."
Brooke sat up in her chair, letting go of the phone cord she's been nervously playing with for the last five minutes "I tried Rach, I really did…Wait, did you just quote Veronica Mars?"
"That's not what…And I quoted Logan."
Brooke laughed "And that's different because…"
"He was hot and rich and… There was a point I was trying to make and you completely ruined it now! And we were talking about you and Lucas, not…"
"No we weren't." Brooke interrupted her "There's nothing to say there anyways. As I already told you, I tried and just…but guess it just wasn't destined to be."
"Oh, you wanna talk about destiny... Let me tell you a little story then. It's sort of supposed to be a secret but it's like five years old so I'd say it's way past its expiration date." she said, pausing "Okay so like a million years ago your little boy toy and I ended up at Rivercourt and we played this little game…"
"Rachel!"
"Not that sort of game. Anyway he kept talking about you on and on the whole freakin' evening and how you are the one for him until I got bored with it and decided to blindfold him…"
"Rachel!" Brooke shrieked, interrupting her yet again.
"Will you let me finish! And keep your mind out of the gutter Davis."
Brooke snorted "You're the one to talk."
Rachel cleared her throat "So as I said I blindfolded him and let him shoot the basket, if it goes in then you really are the one and if he doesn't… Well there's always Peyton."
"You slut, how could you…"
"Hey, don't get all twisted up about it, he made the shot. What are the chances of that ever happening, huh?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Hey, I never joke about retail sales, money or your love life. Mine on the other hand… Well that's kind of a joke all by itself."
Brooke smiled.
"So what do you say, because if that's not destiny I dunno what is."
"Yeah…" Brooke sighed, not sure what to make of this piece of information. Why is it that she had no problem believing it was destiny that was keeping them apart but she was all suspicious when it was the other way around? Maybe because things like that never happened to her. "Okay maybe you're right but still it's so complicated and I tried to…"
"If you really tried you'd be here right now." Rachel said simply, cutting her of.
"What does that hav…"
"Am I gonna have to sit through another four hour plane ride because of you? Because if I am, you're paying me the ticket this time." Rachel said seriously.
Brooke groaned, turning in her chair for a full circle as her eyes landed on a picture on the desk, her own smiling face staring back at her. Right next to her, with his arm around her back was Lucas. "No…no you won't." she finally said.
"Good." Rachel said, her lips curving into a smile "Good."
"And when did you become so damn insightful anyways?"
"Must be from all those bubbles in my Coke." she said with unmistaken sarcasm.
"That's not too bad."
"I'm sure Jamie would agree with you on that one. But you know, he's only five so what the hell does he know?"
"I see that all that soda isn't that good for you after all. You should stick to the pink cocktails."
"And this is what I get for trying to help a friend."
"Sorry, it must be my late afternoon martini doing the talking."
"Hallo, recovering alcoholic on the line here." Rachel reminded her and Brooke couldn't help but laugh. It was just like her friend to make her laugh when all she wanted to do was cry just five minutes ago.
"Sorry, I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'm thinking next week, you and me and the 5th Avenue boutiques, a guaranteed cure for the pink dress trauma. After Hermes and Tiffani's you won't even remember you wore that ugly thing. But don't say Haley I said that."
"Add Gucci to that and you have a deal."
"That's already applied, you don't think I can actually leave the fifth without at least one pair of those new Christian Louboutin sandals." Brooke half joked "But really, thank you for calling."
"For new CL sandals and maybe a bag? Anytime."
----BL----
The first time she met him she was sixteen and her car had just broken down, leaving her stranded at a dusty road on a hot summer afternoon. He came to help her out, a true savior of a damsel in distress. He had it all, charm combined with skill, she thought as she watched him fix her car. He left not soon after and she thought she'd never see him again only to be proven wrong by many encounters and years that followed.
That was a lie actually. She and Lucas met a little later, in a way far less romantic. But there were worse things than meeting the love of your life in the back seat of a car. Things like feeling it slip through your fingers like soft grains of sand and not doing anything to stop it.
The whole car story was the way he and Peyton met. She wished it was their story though. It was so sweet and perfect, like a movie script beginning of a love story, the one that ended with a happy ending and the two of them riding of into the sunset. The road she was driving down was sprinkled with heavy droplets of rain falling down so quickly she had problems seeing anything but her damp, blurry windshield. And there was no prince charming sitting beside her, just her and the soft melancholy sound of Damian Rice's Prague. The irony wasn't lost on her.
Music was never her forte, love even less so. It was the one road that she rarely walked down, the road that, in her case, always led to pain. And here she was now, a willing traveler down that exact road hoping for a different ending, for a little sun after all this rain, for a hand on her shoulder and soft eyes asking her to stay, offering a shelter from the storm that was her life.
For the second time in barely a week span she wasn't sure what she was doing or where she was going. Okay, she had a vogue idea about the where but the what was still a blur. But she was certain at what she wasn't doing anymore, spending another minute in that cold office hiding from the world, from herself, from life.
And really, driving to the airport in the middle of a rain storm to catch a plane to some middle of nowhere town was kind of romantic, if you really liked that kind of thing. Would that make Lucas a damsel in distress than?
She laughed at the thought as she passed the sign, JFK airport 3 miles.
----BL----
A couple of hours and a plane ride later she was back to the beginning, too exhausted for anything more but a short walk to the restaurant, a walk that turned into the longest two miles of her life, time moving slower than her tired feet as they led her in the direction of the beach and a small, lit up establishment. Determination melted away the fear and she pushed the door open and went in, holding the scrapbook for Naley in one hand tightly, blinking a few times as her eyes got used to the light after minutes of nothing but moonlight and occasional streetlamp.
The only people that awaited her there were a couple of waiters, cleaning up the tables, taking away empty champagne glasses and empty wine bottles and she sighed in disappointment. She was too late. Her almost panic attack and all the nervousness was for no reason. Or maybe she just had the wrong address or something.
She came closer to the counter asking the waitress behind the counter "Was there a reception held here?"
"Yes madam. It ended awhile ago though."
"Of course it did." she said, the words floating in the air. She was not willing to let this go, not yet but maybe this was destiny's way of saying it's over, a way of telling her to let it go.
Her eyes scanned the small place, taking it all in, contemplating whether or not to go to his house. One of the waiters was cleaning up a table near the windows, picking up a forgotten camera and a few Polaroid pictures lying on the creamy tablecloth and she stepped in, stopping him "I'll take those."
The dark haired waiter gave her a look and she smiled at his suspiciousness "I know the couple that organized the whole party. I'm the godmother to their son actually." she explained "So I'll give those to them." she said, thinking that this trip wasn't so lost after all. If nothing else, she might have just found a picture for her desk. Or two, she thought as she flipped through the Polaroid's, mostly the ones with Naley and a few of the whole gang together. A smile appeared on her lips as she stopped at the picture of Jamie and Luke making goofy faces at the camera.
Luke would make a wonderful dad someday. But they'd make goofy parents. Thank God that Luke has that more serious side because if it came down to her their children wouldn't stand a chance, she'd spoil 'em rotten. The girl at least and Luke would take the boys to basketball games and try to play it cool when sees his son hit his first basket or get a first A in school or…
"The blond five year old?" the waiter asked, startling her.
"Yeah." she confirmed, looking a little distracted.
"He seems like a great kid. Spend the whole evening playing with some basketball, almost broke two glasses because of it."
"A present from his uncle." she filled in.
They actually agreed it was a joint present (Luke's suggestion), since she forgot to get Jamie something. Luke made a big deal about it while she proceeded to laugh at him and the way he looked as he animatedly tried to explain to her who LeBron James was and how happy Jamie will be when he shows him a ball signed by his favorite basketball player (beside his dad, of course). And then he laughed at her lack of knowledge about basketball. But when she started throwing names like Christian Louboutin, Jimmy Choos, Tom Ford at him, he agreed she had a point and that they should both stick to the things they were good at. The whole argument ended with him taking her out for a cup of coffee so he could explain to her who Cleveland Cavaliers were just in case Jamie asks her after they give him his present. After an hour of listening about 'King James' all she remembered were his animated eyes and the smell of his after shave and his hand accidentally touching hers as they both reached for sugar at the same time. That, in her book, was an afternoon well spent.
The guy nodded "Yeah, Lucas something and the aunt…"
"Lucas Scott."
"Yes, Lucas and Brooke. He seemed really close to the two." the waiter said.
Brooke stood there in complete shock, staring at the man in disbelief as he looked at her worriedly. She didn't expect Luke saying that the ball was also a present from her to Jamie, not after how they left things, but in the end, it was so like him to tug at her heart even when she wants to be mad at him.
"Are you alright Miss?" he asks her "Do you know this Brooke?"
She laughed, shoulders visibly relaxing, before she offered a hand "Brooke Davis, nice to meet you."
"Connor Stevens." he introduced himself with a smile, eyebrow raising ever so slightly "So then Lucas is your husband? Looks like a great guy." he says nonchalantly "But did you guys had a fight because…"
"No we're not.." she all but stuttered, that's how shocked she was when he interrupted her to finish what he was trying to say.
"…because he's been here at that balcony alone for the…"
"Brooke." she heard someone say and she turned to look at him and didn't even notice when Connor walked away, giving them some privacy and then she was stuck in a space where she only existed because he was there to catch her. There were things she planned on telling him, not all so kind but they failed her as she stared at the figure so unlike the one she saw just twenty four hours ago. It was still him but there was something about him standing there, something she saw when she looked at herself in the mirror this morning, like there was something missing.
He was dressed in a suit, black with a while shirt, untucked and a little rumpled. A pale bluish tie was hanging loosely around his neck only adding up to his rumpled look. The weariness was the first word that she thought of as he lifted his chin up to look at her, his eyes looking so dark with only the glint of blue at the edges.
"Lucas." she said, all other words failing her as she was faced with him, relaxing a bit, thinking it's a good start, nothing like the name calling and yelling she imagined would be involved once they met but somehow it all went downhill from there all the same.
----BL----
AN: Yeah, I know not a whole lot BL in this chapter but the next chapter is all about the best couple ever :) so hope I really hope you'll like it. Also, I'm planning to wrap this up in the next couple of chapters (I'm thinking 15 chapters) And as always, I'd love to hear what you guys think and all your ideas, suggestions are more than welcome. Thank you for reading.