Their names are Chiri, Meru, Nami, Kafuka, Kaere, and Maria.
This is their story: the story of some average high-school girls who just happen to have super powers and fight crime when they're not doing something else.
It started out as a normal trip to the candy store after school. The six girls pushed into the store, chatting happily as a bell tingled somewhere above them. The air smelled of sugar and air conditioning and they all immediately started browsing around for delicious and teeth-rotting treats such as Swedish Fish and stuff.
The man behind the counter greeted them apathetically, probably because he was wearing a silly paper hat. "Welcome to the Zetsumei Candy Store. I'm Zetsubou. Go ahead and take whatever you want, except for these gumballs over here." He pointed to six differently colored gumballs under a glass dome that was right in front of him. The glass dome had a sign balanced on it that sported the words 'DO NOT CHEW.'
"Hey," said Nami from the gummy section. "Aren't you our teacher at school?"
"No. Shut up and get your candy." Suddenly, something unspecific happened and Zetsubou went somewhere behind a mysterious door that had an 'Employees Only' sign, but before he went out of sight, he said, "And don't you dare eat those gumballs."
Of course, being human, the six girls immediately ran towards the gumballs when Zetsubou shut the door behind him. (It is human nature to immediately think of pink elephants when somebody tells you to not think of pink elephants. If there is a button that bears a sign warning everybody not to push it for it will trigger an explosion huge enough to destroy the world, a human would probably push it only seconds after reading the sign. You never have this kind of problem with cats or elephants or chimpanzees for some odd reason. Scientists predict that the end of the world will be brought about by a curious human and the last words ever uttered will be 'What does this thingy do?')
"I don't see anything special about these things," Kaere said haughtily as the girls lifted the glass dome and carelessly tossed it somewhere behind them. Instead of shattering into a thousand pieces, it made a loud 'thunk' on the floor and bounced away like a terrified, bouncing puppy.
"Well, a lot of drugs don't look very special."
"Maybe these are drugs. Like, marijuana or something."
"That's stupid. Nobody would just leave that kind of stuff lying around where anybody could see them."
"Also, aren't you supposed to put that stuff in your nose? Hey…" Nami said, looking back at the gum again. "One's missing."
"Oh! Maria ate one because she was hungry!"
"My uncle got arrested for smuggling drugs," Kafuka started, taking a gumball. "So maybe they're smuggling drugs in gumballs, like my uncle. Only he put his drugs somewhere else where he was sure the police wouldn't find it."
"Hey, even though they're suspicious and we'd also be stealing, let's chew this gum," Chiri suddenly said. Everybody agreed and all the drug-related stuff was immediately forgotten. Then Zetsubou returned, looking sour as usual.
"Apparently I won the lottery," he announced sourly to nobody in particular before noticing that the glass dome and all the gum under it was missing. "Hey!" he shouted. "The gum! You ate it!"
"After you specifically told us not to, we couldn't help it," said Nami rather calmly as she chewed.
Zetsubou started pulling his hair, frustrated, and turned around for a bit to compose himself. It didn't work. "You don't understand!" he roared as he turned around again. "Those were poisoned! I was about to eat those! I've lost all faith in humanity again!" The girls slowly stopped chewing and spat out the gum, but it was too late. Somehow, through some kind of weird thing that cannot be explained through normal logic, the poison made them develop stomach ulcers and they all coughed up blood and died.
…Let's try that again.
"You don't understand!" Zetsubou roared as he turned around, developing a strange sense of déjà vu. "That gum gives people superpowers!"
There was a silence, and finally Kaere said, "That's stupid. If the gum really was that important, then you're supposed to lock them up in a safe or something."
"Well, yeah, I know. But then my super-locking titanium safe broke and this job doesn't pay enough to replace it. But don't change the subject! The point is that you ate the gum and now you have super powers!"
"Why are you so upset about this anyways? We ate the gum. So what?" Chiri fumed.
"Uh…well, you got super powers." Zetsubou said again, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm just very angry, okay? But even though I'm very angry, I've decided that, instead of calling the police and suing or at least complaining to your parents, I'm going to train you to be superheroes." The girls stared at him for a while, and a breeze flew in and somehow didn't lift Kaere's skirt. But it did bring in some very dramatic sakura petals.
"Us? Superheroes? I…it's so…" Nami stuttered, though the others seemed quite unfazed.
"Yes, yes, it's all very surprising and so on," Zetsubou interrupted, waving a hand dismissively. "Now the thing is, the gum actually wasn't designed to give anything specific. You can all choose your own superpowers. Except for you, normal girl," he added, pointing to Nami (who gave a rather insulted 'Hey!' in response.) "Your power is Heart, because every superhero group needs some useless person whose only job is to stand there and…I dunno, pull some kind of power out from somewhere through the power of love or something."
"Hey, mister," Kaere suddenly said. "I feel offended. You keep saying 'superheroes' when we are all clearly female. Are you sexist? Do you think all superheroes are men? I'LL SUE!"
"Okay," Zetsubou replied, not noticeably fazed by the fact that he was in some legal danger and might lose money he didn't actually have and then get fired from his lowly job as a candy store worker and then live in the streets. "Your power is suing then."
This obviously shocked and then angered Kaere. "Hey! That's not what I meant!" But Zetsubou had already moved on. Frustrated, Kaere shouted her usual threat: "I'LL SUE!" Then a montage happened where everybody went to court and Zetsubou lost a lot of money he didn't have, but he didn't get fired because the manager turned out to be his brother.
"Well, that was pointless, though I'm glad you didn't decide to get a restraining order because that would make my job as a super…..heroine mentor very difficult. Anyways, everybody else, choose your power." The four remaining took out a remote with a few buttons, stared at them thoughtfully, and eventually pressed a button. "Okay, so you," the new superheroine mentor started, pointing to Kafuka, "…chose the power of contacting aliens and possibly making treaties with them. You," he said, this time pointing to Meru, "chose cellphone related powers. You chose the magical weapon, the Rusty Shovel, and you chose…bunnies." Zetsubou stared at Maria for a while. The tiny, cute immigrant girl smiled cheerfully back as she ate some more candy. Zetsubou decided to ignore the fact that she was stealing again. "Just bunnies? Isn't there anything in particular? Like power over bunnies or talking to bunnies or seeing bunnies…"
"Ummmmmm," Maria hummed cutely, swinging her legs as she sat on one of the high shelves. "Eating bunnies!"
"That's sort of…oh, never mind."
"No! I see the use!" Kafuka grinned, suddenly popping up. "It will help decrease the bunny population! Everybody knows there's a bunny overpopulation. Eating bunnies will surely help the economy in the long run!" Zetsubou stared at the smiling girl for a long time, but could not find a hint of a joke anywhere and had to resign to the horrible fact that she was indeed serious.
"Ooookaaaaayy…anyways, as super…heroines, you need secret identities and stupid costumes and some kind of trigger phrase to transform or something. The costume thing has already been decided upon when the gum was made, and it does not at all look like Power Rangers. You may all choose your own transforming phrase, though. Except for you, normal girl. Your transforming phrase will be an unspecified tongue twister that will change randomly every day."
"Waaaah?!" Nami protested, but to no avail because it's hard to protest when you're being ignored.
The others chose their own transforming phrases which will not be listed here because it is too troublesome.
"Now that that's done," Zetsubou said, sounding rather bored, "I'll have to train you in case the alarm goes off or something." Suddenly, a red light thing descended from the ceiling and started flashing while a wailing alarm went off. Zetsubou gasped dramatically. "That's the alarm!"
"You had an alarm?" asked one of the girls.
"That means some kind of supervillain is destroying something! Or something like that!"
"There are supervillains?"
"To the base!" And with a dramatic finger pointing skyward, Zetsubou turned around back through the 'Employees Only' door. The girls decided that they should follow. One breathlessly asked, as she ran behind everybody, "Wait! You have a base?!"
"Well," Zetsubou explained, "I was bored. And a base sounded cool at the time…"
They ran down a long set of stairs into a huge underground (it's always underground) base filled with a lot of machines that beeped and a huge screen that showed a lot of people running around screaming. The screen then zoomed in on one person specifically – a mean-faced girl, glaring directly towards the camera, holding several dangerous explosives as buildings suddenly collapsed behind her.
"You see that?" Zetsubou pointed.
"You mean the evil-looking girl with the explosives?" Chiri asked.
"Nooo, not that one. She didn't do anything. What? Did you think she was evil just because of her looks? Not good superheroine behavior." Zetsubou pressed a random button which made the camera zoom out to show a giant robot randomly crushing buildings. "Now that's the guy you need to take care of."
"What?!" said Chiri, outraged. "You expect us to go against a giant robot?!"
"…Yes. Yes I do."
"We haven't even been trained yet! You haven't taught us anything! We'll get crushed!" she shouted, playing the part of a soon-to-be-villainess perfectly. (Obviously, since she's the only one complaining.)
"Of course not. You'll know what to do when the time comes. I have faith in you. Which is pretty damn special, because I've never really trusted people. Of course, you did steal some candy, so this is probably rather misplaced faith…"
"If we're supposed to know what to do when the time comes, then what's the point of you being a mentor?" Chiri questioned, interrupting Zetsubou's thoughts. He stared at the glaring girl for a few seconds.
"….Shut up and go save the city from the evil robot that conveniently appeared."
"Right!" said most of the girls pep-ily, and they ran out the underground base, up the stairs, out the door, and right into the robot's foot. "Everybody!" shouted Kafuka, who had suddenly taken the role of leader. "Transform!" Everybody quickly said their chosen transforming phrases which will not be listed here, except for Nami, who wasn't very good at tongue twisters anyways.
"Peter pecked – Peter picked a pick…no…" she said, as her fellow heroines' clothes disappeared, briefly showing a bit of fan service before their superheroine suits appeared. And it did not have any resemblance to Power Rangers at all. "Right!" they said in a determined way as soon as the transforming sequence was done.
Unfortunately, the transforming sequence took up quite a bit of time, and the giant robot had moved on to destroy the rest of the city.
"Great," Kaere grumbled, crossing her arms. "None of us have super speed or anything."
"Wait! I know!" Kafuka said cheerfully, and then utilized her power, which, if you have forgotten, is to contact aliens. An Irken spaceship quickly came down and the hatch opened to let the girls in.
"Hey!" A small, green alien inside the spacecraft narrowed his red eyes as the girls clambered on. "You're not the Tallest! You're…dressed in weird suits!" He got up angrily, ready to kick them out.
"Alien guy, we only need you to take us to that giant robot over there, if you don't mind," said Kafuka.
"Hm?" The alien turned around to where she was pointing and was promptly knocked out by Chiri's shovel.
"Hey, there was no need for that!" Kaere protested as the small alien's body hit the floor. "I could've just threatened to sue him!"
"We had no time," said soon-to-be-villainess Chiri. "And why is there a sign saying 'Soon-To-Be-Evil' taped to my forehead?"
"Ummmm, Maria doesn't know the controls, but Maria'll just try pressing random buttons." And Maria did just that. The ship flew upwards again and sped towards the giant robot, stopping right behind its head.
Nami soon realized she had been left behind and went home.
"Good job, Maria!" said Kaere. "Now I'll use my suing powers to put this stupid thing in jail!" A legal courtroom appeared out of nowhere inside the ship. The judge slammed his cool hammer on his podium and cried, "Guilty! For destroying over half the city…your penalty is four years in jail!"
The robot heard this, turned around, and glared threateningly at the judge. The judge quivered under the cold, yellow glare and banged his gavel again. "Uh, no penalty!"
"Damn!" said Kaere. "He used my own biased legal system against me!"
"We have no choice but to use our own giant robot!" Kafuka declared, just as the Irken got up again.
"We have a giant robot?"
"That's right!" said Zetsubou. His voice was coming out of the watches on all the girls' arms. "They're all in parts, so you all have to call them together so they'll form the Super Robo Thing Mark Two to the Power of Gazillion X! Just press the button on the side of this watch, which will self-destruct in ten seconds if you don't." They all hastily pressed the button. (Nami's watch didn't self-destruct, because she wasn't wearing her superheroine suit thing.) Five giant robot parts came flying out of nowhere towards the Irken ship, shaped like various human parts. There were two arms, a head, and two legs. The Irken, who had looked out the window to see what was going on, started screaming when he realized that there appeared to be five giant robot parts about to crush his ship, and then started screaming when his ship appeared to be changing shape to form a torso.
"What is this!? What's happening!?" he screamed. "This has never happened before! My ship has never done this!"
All the parts fused to form the giant robot, and all the girls ran to the parts they were supposed to control. Nami, who was supposed to be the leader (being Heart and all) was temporarily replaced by the Irken alien, who was still rather confused about the whole thing.
"Right!" said all the girls simultaneously, startling the Irken. He was still in his own ship, which was now the torso. There was an expectant silence over the speakers, and he realized that he was supposed to make an order.
"Um. Walk towards the…other giant robot?" The two girls in the legs (Kaere and Maria) complied and both of the legs lifted at the same time, making the giant robot fall over. By this time, the evil giant robot had resumed destroying the city.
"Okay, the right leg goes first, and then the left leg." Kafuka ordered. The Irken, now knowing that he was acting as the leader for some reason, was prepared this time. "Right." Kaere moved the right leg. "Left." Maria moved the left leg. "Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Lef-ARGH, THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! Don't you have rockets in the feet or something?!"
"Yes," Kaere and Maria replied, and immediately activated the rockets. The robot fell over again, moved jerkily around, and finally started moving towards the evil giant robot, the Irken screaming all the way. There was a collision, and the evil robot was knocked into more buildings. It got up again, glared at the other robot, and started firing lightning and shurikens. Luckily, all the lightning missed. However, the giant shurikens appeared to have been properly aimed. The Irken screamed again, and kept screaming as they got closer until he realized he was in charge again and shouted, "Shoot eye beams! You have eye beams, right?!"
"Yes," Kafuka cheerfully replied, and shot the eye beams, effectively destroying the shurikens. Because we all know eye beams beat anything.
"Now…there should be missiles…I did fit my ship with missiles, and there are always missiles in the chest cavity…" The Irken looked around his part of the robot and realized there were no controls. "…I'm just useless, aren't I."
"Well, you are the Heart," Kaere replied. "The Heart is always useless. But always the leader. The robot is coming, by the way."
"Hm? AUGH! Shoot at it! Anything! Missiles and stuff!" The heroines complied and shot at the evil giant robot. It toppled over, onto the rest of the city, crushing the remaining buildings, and then exploded.
"There! Robot defeated!" Kafuka said happily.
"Yes, yes, the evil robot has been defeated. Now…let's use this robot to TAKE OVER THIS PLANET!"
"Eeeh, no. Our job is done now. We're going back to the weird candy shop man." All the girls jumped out of the robot, un-transformed, and left. The torso turned back into the Irken's ship, and the rest of the parts flew away to parts unknown.
"…Fine," the Irken said, irritated. "But if you call me again, I will shoot you." He then flew back to his own secret base.
Back in the underground base, Zetsubou said, "Well done. Though you did nothing, normal girl. I just realized, I never found out your names. Oh well, I don't really care."
Chiri, looking very foul, suddenly said, "This job was not done properly. The whole city was destroyed anyways."
"A necessary thing for the prevalence of Justice," Nozomu said dismissively.
"I hate you all, and this hate is so strong that I wish to turn evil, even though I could just simply quit, just so I can enjoy killing you all someday."
"Oh, okay. That happens now and then. You better leave," said Zetsubou, pushing the girl towards the door.
"…Can't I just kill you here? So that I won't have to be evil when I'm done?"
"No, we need a recurring villainess anyways. Well, see you later." Chiri was pushed back into the candy store and the door was slammed shut behind her. She stood there for a while, then turned around and shouted, "You do realize that I know where the secret base is, right?! I will come back! Stronger than all of you! Even stronger than your suing, and your aliens, and your cell-phone, and your Heart, and your bunny…eating…power thing! You'll see! I'll destroy you!" She left amongst staring customers.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME, FOR MORE ACTION! ADVENTURE! AND MORE ACTION! There will be flying monkeys too! The next episode will be cool! Really!
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