"Hm." A certain teacher leaned back in his chair, which was quite comfortable, and puzzled over this recent puzzle. "It seems that the Authoress has permanently run out of ideas. Perhaps this fanfiction will have to be discontinued. Even now, She is writing off the top of her head, when she should be finishing another fanfiction." The chair creaked as Nozomu Itoshiki rocked back and forth in the extremely comfortable chair. He then wondered who the hell he was talking to.
Suddenly, Kafuka burst in, waving a sheet of paper. "I shall save this fanfiction from its untimely demise, for all the fans of this fanfiction! All three of them!" Because of her dramatic entrance, the fanfiction's rating went up two points and viewership increased tenfold. "Teacher! Here, I have a printed list of Fanfiction tropes from TV Tropes, which we can look at and then make fun of!"
"Really? Looks like we'll have to get to work then. What's the first one?" This chair was very comfortable. He should probably buy one. Or steal it out of school to enjoy in the comforts of his home. Nozomu sunk into the very comfortable chair even more.
"Aaah," the perpetually grinning girl said, peering at the sheet of paper. "The first one is Dea – "
A train crashed through the school and ran over Nozomu and the very comfortable chair.
A whole bunch of girls cried over the coffin of the recently deceased Nozomu. All of them required a lot of comfort.
"The next one on the list is Angst," Kafuka informed them.
Chiri cried so much, she could probably fill eight water bottles with her tears.
Matoi cried so much, she was sent to the hospital because of dehydration.
Kiri cried so much, mostly because she had decided to sneak into the coffin.
Nozomu's death results in the decrease of readers and fans all the way to zero. The Authoress prepared to grab attentions.
Chiri grabbed her shovel and tried holding it up to her neck like a knife. "Now that my teacher is gone, I know no meaning of life! I can't go on! He was that important to me that I will be reduced to a crumpled shell of what I once was, shoved into a dark corner until some other guy saves me from the darkness of my soooouuul!"
Matoi jumped out of the ambulance and ran all the way back to the funeral procession of our rather unimportant teacher and managed to shed a few more tears. "He was so important to me! Like food! I can't live now! Mostly because of dehydration! Ooooh, teacher, I wish to join you where you are right now, which may be in Heaven, although I'm an atheist and I don't believe in Heaven!" Matoi died of dehydration.
Kiri fainted because, well, she was in a friggin' coffin with her dead teacher! She died of oxygen deprivation, despite the fact that the coffin had not yet been buried.
"I'm actually not dead," said Nozomu, in the hospital.
The reveal of Nozomu's non-death increases readership. Now two watermelons are reading this chapter. The Authoress gains eleven points from an unknown deity.
"Next on the list is Hurt Comfort fics," said Kafuka.
Suddenly, a savior came and swept Chiri off of her feet. Not literally, because that would be mean, and she wasn't on her feet anyways. This guy was a Mysterious Stranger type, only not, because we all already know him as Jun. He would have hugged Chiri then, but he was already holding her bridal style, so hugging was out of the question, so he just told her, "Don't cry. He's in a better place."
Chiri angsted some more before deciding to feel better. Love happened.
"By the way, the Authoress is pretty much just making unfounded criticism. She has never read a Hurt Comfort fic anyways, or most of the types of fanfiction that will be listed. Next is, Aliens Made Them Do It and IKEA Erotica."
Both Chiri and Jun were then abducted by a VOOT ship. An Irken stuffed them in a glass bubble thing that had plenty of space for the two prisoners to do the act they were about to do. The Irken held out a ray gun and ordered them to have sex for some reason. It obviously was a very important reason. Chiri and Jun complied.
IKEA EROTICA HAS BEEN CENSORED.
The alien applauded them as they put their clothes on again, and promptly killed them.
Kafuka suddenly appeared on the ship, startling the Irken. "Now it's Backstory."
The scene changed suddenly to the hospital, where Nozomu was ruminating about his life. Then the scene changed suddenly to his childhood because a flashback was occurring.
Nozomu remembered many things. He remembered how he used to be an innocent child, not depressed at all. Then he got abducted by aliens who ordered him to do inappropriate acts with a cow, and so he got depressed.
"Wait a minute! That never happened!" Nozomu cried out. A nearby nurse started to call a therapist. "I never did that! That's disgusting!"
Kafuka happened to be the therapist, and she walked in. "Now it's High School Alternate Universe."
A pause.
Nothing changed.
"I don't think we can have that kind of fanfiction when this already takes place in high school," said Nozomu, who was healing rather quickly.
"Okay then, how about this one?" Kafuka glanced down at the list still in her hand and said, "Self Insert Fic."
Immediately, a girl with ridiculously long black hair strode in, had a full and satisfying relationship with Nozomu in the span of four seconds, and walked back out.
"Revenge Fic."
Apparently, Nozomu did something very horrible during the four second relationship, because the human counterpart of the Authoress strode back in and sadistically tortured and maimed the poor teacher and strode back out. Nozomu was hospitalized again.
"A Day in the Limelight."
The story panned over to the Stick Dog, who surely had such interesting days and thus needed a fanfiction dedicated to him. Or her.
It scratched itself. Mayo came over and stuck a stick in its ass. The end.
"Aaah, we can probably do Gender Flip, Freaky Friday, Fountain of Youth and MPreg all at once," said Kafuka, eliciting a pained response from Nozomu, who suspected he was about to go through something rather horrible and scarring.
The viewership of this fanfiction is now in the negatives, and the Authoress had the two watermelons earned earlier cracked over her head. A critical hit! She loses two health points, and several dozen popularity points.
As soon as Nozomu healed, an old crone beckoned him over, promising to get rid of those horrid scars. Nozomu did not find her cackling and her ugly wart suspicious, and so let her do crazy rituals. Said crazy rituals got rid of his horrid scars, but also transformed him into…well, herself.
Nozomu, now finding herself lacking one important male part, felt emasculated. She also gained a generous female build. The wench was nowhere to be found. "Oh my," said Nozomu in her new, shrill voice. "Now I have to make several jokes about PMSing and make up and exaggerated women stereotypes!" And so she did in a way that wasn't very hilarious.
This fanfiction is now banned and spat on by all respectable fanfiction writers. Many sites make fun of this. Fans shake their heads as they wonder what they ever saw in this horrible piece of shit.
Kafuka popped from nowhere, wench in hand. The wench was cackling heavily. "Teacher! I got the witch for you! So perhaps now – " The high school girl was unable to finish her sentence because she was no longer a high school girl. The wench, having no intention of undoing her mischief, did that Freaky Friday thing and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Wow," said Kafuka (now female Nozomu), glancing down at her new, taller body. "I have bigger breasts now."
Nozomu (now Kafuka) decided to sulk in a corner until some random plot device came up and fixed the whole thing. Kafuka/female Nozomu wandered off, still admiring her new breasts.
Chiri, who apparently came back to life somehow, mistook Nozomu for Kafuka (understandably) and started dragging her into a forest that happened to be nearby. "Come, Kafuka! I have made a very important discovery!"
"Ah, I'm not Kafuka," said Nozomu, but to no avail.
Chiri continued dragging Kafuka's body around until they reached a large structure, ornately carved with weird Aztec stuff and several other stereotypes. It was spewing water. Magical water.
"Is this your very important discovery?" Nozomu asked, distorting Kafuka's face to show an expression of pure apathy. Chiri didn't seem to notice how odd Kafuka was acting. (She probably thought Kafuka was PMSing or something.)
"Yes. The Fountain of Youth."
Nozomu would have sarcastically said, "Oh, really," (or would have said "This is, by a wide margin, the most unlikely thing that has ever happened") but she was pushed in by Chiri. Accidentally, of course. Kafuka was now physically five.
"Oh, sorry," said Chiri, though she didn't sound sorry at all.
"Teacher!" cried Kafuka, skipping in all of a sudden with flowers in Nozomu's hair. Chiri didn't seem to notice how oddly Nozomu was acting either. Or the fact that he was now a woman. "Teacher! Or should I say Kafuka? That makes me feel weird. So anyways, I have good news! I know how to undo this whole thing, and I also met a nice guy…"
"I don't want to hear any more!" Nozomu jumped out of the fountain in slightly-too-large clothes. "Let's go!"
And so the Deus Ex Machina occurred and Nozomu was now male and in his own body, and Kafuka was now female and in her own body, and the right age too. The Deus Ex Machina couldn't fix one thing, though…
"Oh great, I know what's going to happen next," Nozomu sighed.
"Nozomu!" shouted Matoi, also somehow alive. "You're pregnant! Don't ask me how I know." She didn't seem to question how a guy could be pregnant.
Nozomu glared at Kafuka, who was blissfully staring at a butterfly. "I hate you more than ever."
"Okay, so that's all checked off of the list," said Kafuka, taking out the paper again and crossing out several items. "Ah, now there's one left to parody," she added as the fanfiction was abolished in all thirteen colonies of the United States. "Crack."
Nothing changed.
"We can't really parody that," said Nozomu, hospitalized again. "This is rather crack-y, isn't it? We'd be hypocrites to parody that. Or 'parodying geniuses.'" The doctor, also not questioning the possibility of male pregnancy, gently told the teacher to push hard.
"Well," said Kafuka, fortunately cutting off some rather traumatic scenes. "Looks like this is the end! We've been through a lot together, only we haven't. But everything must come to an end. Please check out the Authoress's other stuff, except for the embarrassingly horrible ones, and have a great day! This fanfiction is now completed."