The "Sober" this chapter is titled is from a song by Kelly Clarkson. Varda and Sayen are love and affection junkies, like how alcoholics are alcohol junkies. And Varda, at least, is going to try to be more sober.
Chapter V: Sober
"It's a 2.4-liter, 6-cylinder engine," Timothy began.
"With Hitachi side-draft carbs," Varda smiled as she finished for him.
Timothy chuckled. 'That's right. Wanna take a look under the hood?"
"Yeah!" Varda jumped at the chance.
"You really know your rides," Timothy said.
"Rides?" Varda looked at him, confused.
"Rides, you know, they're your thing," now Timothy was confused.
"My thing? Is this a sex metaphor?"
"I don't know," Timothy slid closer to her. "Is it?"
Henry's face, and what it would look like once he knew she had had sex with someone else, flashed in her mind. But then she recalled his betrayal. "Yes it is."
Five hours later, Timothy was gently stroking Varda's bare buttock with a finger. "You know, you're the first one whose never mentioned my micropenis."
"Experience is always better than size," Varda said in a low voice.
Carlisle looked surprised when the witch materialized in front of him.
"Yeah, me," Sayen nodded cheerfully. "How are you and the mob doing?" she gave the torch-wielding group outside.
"Thou must-" Carlisle hesitated. He couldn't send her outside; the mob would, well, mob her.
"I'm here to help. When the old vampire bites you, I can take you someplace," Sayen said seriously. "You just need to…" she stopped. What did she want him to do, trust her? What had she done to deserve his trust, other than show him an uncanny ability to know the future.
"I trust you."
Oh. Well, that was easy.
"Anybody seen Varda around?" Sayen asked loudly to unsuccessfully try and mask Carlisle's screaming from the rest of the Tardis Team.
"Yes," Varda entered, looking very happy. "I just met the greatest guy, like, ever!" She walked past Henry without a acknowledging the hurt expression on his face. Or perhaps she did. It wasn't as if he deserved her sympathy, or her now-nonexistent virginity.
Oh, hell, everyone deserved her sympathy as long as they wanted it. She hugged Henry and decided she'd break up with Timothy the next morning. If only she could call across time periods….
"Hey, Bela, can you upgrade my phone?"
"Has everyone turned into sex maniacs, or is there something I'm missing?" Sayen asked Callia.
"Really? I didn't know if you're really missing it," Callia's protectiveness of Varda's innocence and utter distaste for Sayen's was really getting on Sayen's nerves.
"Whatever. Where's Varda now? Bela and I just found this really cool mathematical equation that even he can't figure out," Sayen said. "It could tell us where we input what codes to reboot the universe."
Callia shrugged. "She went in a car with a looker."
Sayen's jaw dropped, but then she was on alert. That didn't escape Callia's notice.
"Are you picking up readings?" Callia asked suddenly.
"Yeah," Sayen nodded, eyes seeing some other dimension. "I think she's in a helluva lotta trouble."
"It's not you. It's me," Varda was slightly afraid of Timothy's anger, but not as much as she was afraid of Henry's rejection. "I shouldn't have entered a relationship when I was so involved with someone else. I'm so sorry," she said. "You can drop me off-" she pointed at the exit, which Timothy drove past. "Hello, that was the turn," she started feeling nervous. Timothy ignored her. "Maybe just pull over here and we can try a U-turn," she suggested. Still receiving no response, Varda tried to unlock the door, wondering if it would hurt to jump out the car. The door was stuck. "Okay, let me out right now," she ordered. She was once again ignored, and she screamed. She needn't have bothered; she and Timothy were traveling so fast nobody could've heard her. ****
Sayen stared listlessly into the corner, Bela paced, and Callia stared at his pacing. Out of the blue, Bela snapped his fingers.
"I've got it!" he pointed at Sayen. "I remember an episode where you continually travel back in time to rescue an abused child named Aaron Hotchner by singing some song. I don't remember the words, but it the melody was like this: bum, bum, bum, baa!"
'"Other Side of the World,' by KT Tunstall," Sayen nodded impatiently. "Do I sing it now?"
"No, but he'll know you, so act like you'll know him. He's the head of an FBI unit. He'll know what to do."
"Let's call him…Sergio," Hotch said playfully.
"Let's not," Callia said, opening the door.
Hotch grabbed his gun and pointed it at Callia, asking, "How did you find me and why are you here?"
Callia didn't answer; instead, she let Sayen enter the room. Hotch dropped his gun in shock and it fired harmlessly at the wall, startling Hayley.
"Callie, you're dead. And why are you here, Dulcea?" Hotch asked. Confusion was evident in every line of his aged face.
"I'm in WITSEC, so call me Callia," Callia lied.
"I need your help," Sayen said. "And Jack is a perfectly good name," she smiled at Hayley. However, Hayley was too busy being Cullen-pale to respond.
Henry beckoned Gideon toward the group, and Sayen grew paler by the second. Hotch kept sending her strange looks.
"He's been dubbed 'The Seattle Strangler,'" said Hotch. "He's taken four victims in four months. Seattle police have no tangible leads and now another girl is missing."
"I'll look it over and get some thoughts to Morgan quickly. I trust he's been informed," Gideon said.
"He's pissed about it," Sayen said tonelessly. "He was probably in a bar chatting up girls."
Gideon looked at her in surprise. "Are you a profiler?"
Morgan's entrance cut the conversation short. "No, she isn't, and we want you to come with the team to Seattle."
"Varda downloaded a virus with her last emails from the kidnapper," Sayen said, picking up the laptop, and promptly dropping it. "Well, it used to say, 'For heaven's sake, catch me before I kill more. I cannot control myself,' over and over."
Gideon walked over to a photo where the same words were written in blood on a wall above a bed.
"William Heirens, 1945," Callia said. Now Gideon looked at her in surprise. "I was a homicide cop," she said.
"The Seattle Strangler never keeps his victims for over seven days, so we only have 36 hours to find Varda alive," said Hotch.
"It looks like medical leave's over, sir," said Henry.
"Are you sure you want me?" Gideon asked.
"The order came from Director Strauss herself," said Hotch.
Gideon nodded. "Giddy-up!"
"How about this one? 'The belief in supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."'
"Joseph Conrad," Sayen said listlessly. Gideon cursed. He had done everything he knew to try to get this girl to show some emotion. Clearly, she wouldn't be alright until she found her friend.
"Why are these people allowed on the plane?" asked Morgan, pointing to Sayen and Callia's entourage from the current universe.
"Because they have vital information," Hotch said. The real reason was because he couldn't say no to Sayen.
"The killer stabbed and strangled his first victim," Callia pointed out. "But he used a belt to strangle his second victim, why?"
Sayen shuddered, thinking of finding Varda's body like that, and what her friend would feel if she died like that.
"Contrary to popular myth, it's really difficult to strangle someone with your bare hands," said Yadid.
"How do you know that?" Emily asked warily.
Yadid shrugged. "I had to play a murderer once."
"Huh," Emily scooted a little further away from Yadid.
"Oh, come on!" Yadid said loudly. "I didn't do anything!"
Emily and Yadid looked at each other for a while, then she scooted back into his lap.
Sayen cleared her throat. "The killer's learning as he goes. He's perfecting his methods to become a better killer."
Varda wished she were anywhere but here. In fact, if someone offered to take her place…stop. She couldn't think like that. She had to find a way to get out of here! Gripping the metal bars of her cage, she screamed. However, Timothy didn't hear a thing—the scream was sent to Sayen's mind.
Sayen gasped and touched her temple. When the screaming stopped, she closed her eyes and mouthed something. The look on her face suggested great pain, or great constipation.
"What?" Hotch asked.
Sayen opened her eyes. "Um, nothing."
Bela heard the Sayen speak as if she were so close, she was inside him. But he didn't focus on the oddness of a human having greater psychic powers than he did; he drove the Tardis into the boat and prayed the boat could hold it. As it turned out, the tesseracts landed him in Antarctica. Go figure!
Morgan pulled Hotch aside. "Have you noticed how Gideon never stands with his back to a window. He asked me to move when I was between him and the door."
"I'm not surprised," Sayen said, walking by. "He's hyper-vigilant; that's classic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder." When Morgan looked at her oddly, Sayen added, "Varda's my psychiatrist. I pick things up."
"It's been six months," Hotch said. "Everything's okay for Gideon." He stepped in front of the Seattle cops for introductions. "This is Special Agent Gideon. This is Special Agent Morgan, our expert on obsessional crimes. This is Special Agent Gibson-"
"Dr. Gibson," Callia corrected.
"Dr. Gibson, our expert on…well, everything. This is Special Agent Callia Hotchner—I mean, Reid. The rest are students trying to learn how to profile, and after two years of busting my butt in this office, I hope you remember me." Everyone laughed.
"Do you know why she introduced me as Dr. Gibson?" Henry whispered to Sayen.
"Because she knows that people see you as a kid and she wants to make sure they respect you. Your theories are valid. They just need to be accepted as so," Sayen whispered back. Immediately, both teams examined the evidence and the map displayed on the boards.
"The unsub is willing to move the bodies, so he must drive a truck or an SUV large enough to conceal one," Sayen said.
"Yeah, but what type of SUV?" Callia asked.
"Probably a Jeep Cherokee," said Henry. "Jeeps are the most masculine cars and unsubs-"
"Wait, what? Unsubs?" Andres asked.
"Unsub is an abbreviation of 'unknown subjects,'" Henry said. "Unsubs want to display their masculinity."
Hotch nodded, impressed. "But look how he dumped his bodies inside different jurisdictional lines." Seeing Emily's blank look, he expanded. "Jurisdiction is the area police in one station have authority over. And an unsub familiar with jurisdiction is usually part of law enforcement."
Next time, Sayen gets annoyed. Where's a good teleportation device when you needed one?