Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or Square Enix and I don't make any money with this writing.

Author's note: super thanks to greatufo- your help means a lot to me!

Chapter 4 - Kadaj

The first time that I entered in the Shinra Army, I shoud had less than two years old and I would be probably in my big brother's arms. These memories makes me feel save, comfortable and warm. Those sensations were always accompanyed by Sephy's presence in my life. I remember how I was happy when I saw him coming home, since I was a baby. I love him. He is really my idol. I would do anything for all my brothers, but I feel that I'm alive because of Sephiroth. In part it was true, because hadn't he helped Mother in the labour, I would be dead by now. She told me that I was born purple and Sephiroth had to blow air on my mouth for my lungs started to work. I love Mother too with all my heart, but she is so distant…Always working, planning to conquer the country, the world, the universe if she could do it one day…

So the closest family that I had had was my brothers. I do love Loz and Yazoo…but they had being together in a way that I always felt myself as a intruder. With Sephy was different. I'm a part of him and he is all the parts for me. I want to be like him, I want him to be proud of me. That is why I followed Sephy's steps and now, I'm training to be a Soldier. One day I will be a General, as powerful and loved as he is. I will honor him at each day of my carreer. But now…I don't know if I would be able to let him proud of me…

I'm being evil for him…Oh, God…

When I think that I'm disobeying him I want to cut my pulses. But I'm not as weak as Yazoo, or perhaps not as courageous as he was. He said it was an accident, but I'm sure that a knife doesn't 'falls' in one's arms.

We don't speak about this at home. In fact Mother forbid us to talk about the incident with Yazoo, or with anyone else. I only spoke with Sephy, of course that I don't have secrets with my nissan. Well, now I have…and it makes me feel very sad. But it's not because I stopped to love or trust on Sephy, no, it's because I know he will be hurt and disappointed with me. He made me promise him that I never would see Cloud again. He had given me proves that Cloud was an oportunist, a rebel with a low cause to stop the progress, someone against the development of the country, an oppositionist of Shinra Energy and Jenova Reactor's. Because all of this, his only reason to be my friend would be to spy me to have politicians advantages or blackmailings purposes. In the beginning I obeyed my nissan as I always did. I didn't question, I didn't think about. I avoided Cloud's callings, his visits, his tearful pleadings to talk with me. Not even when he was in life's danger, risking himself to get inside of the army's fields only to see me, I didn't falter.

I read those ten pages of the files about the life of Cloud Strife and his family, very known as politicians oponents of President Shinra. Well, the family of my best friend, Aeris Gainsbourgh, which even Mother loved to be in contact, are oponents of the actual president and I never heard nobody at this damned town says a word against them… That was because they are cetrans, the original owners of this land? Because of their royal lineage? Stupidity of people…always worried with the last important things.

Although, after I had read the files I was furious with Cloud, my mind had easily bought the idea of a conspiration against my family. I thought that Sephy was right and I was naively wrong again, trying to find love where only had interest. Yes, I already was totally in love by Cloud. But when Cloud came to me, grabbing me and against my will, to thank me because he was only suspended and not banished from army...Cloud really thought that I was his savior...I told him that I didn't know nothing about and that maybe my brother had changed his mind...but I like to imagine that I made something good for the man that I love. We are in separated classes, but next year we would have our own logde. Sure that we barely talk with another inside the army. If Sephy dream of that I'm with Cloud...Oh God..Cloud things that I should tell the truth, but...I'm so scared.

I hide this from my brother. He doesn't know that I'm gay…I don't have any idea about how he would react…It sounds to me as I would be failing, would be disappointing Sephy, again…

It's funny because I actually should have this feelings concerned to my Mother, not by my oldest brother! Yazoo and Loz …I don't dare to say, I'm ashamed till now with what I guessed that I saw in the farm. God…If Mother knows…and moreover to find that I'm gay. Poor Mother, the only son who had worth for her is Sephy. I'm a failure.

Why Am I in a shrink session? Because I need to not feel guilty with the love that I feel for Cloud and the love that I feel for Sephy. My shrink said to me that I need to solve these antagonic thoughts about value myself and only then I would be able to stop lie to Sephy and then take my relationship on with Cloud. At least for my family.

Cloud…I catch myself smiling when I think about him…Aeris said that my face got flushed and my eyes shine when I speak about him. We met six months ago, when the Soldier's training began. When everyone got into the class I was already sitting in the first desk, eyes devoted at the overture speech which would be done by nissan. Thus, the boy who sat by my side whispered on my ears.

" He is impressive, I guess I never had seen someone so big, so powerful and so scary…"

I felt proud, of course, and my only answer was "I agree."

He smiled at me and those deep blue eyes caught me unguarded. I guess I fell in love by Cloud on that day. We politely exchanged our names and he got startled.

" Wow. God…at least my words were compliments or I would be out of army by now…nice to meet you, Kadaj Jenova."

" Kadaj. We have four Jenovas here. Loz is finishing his graduation. Yazoo in the science graduation and he is well known as The Gun Man."

"And you? What is your skill besides genealogy with power?"

I stiffened, totally surprised with his words. I didn't answer back. Cloud apologized himself with a blushed and ashamed face at me. Tsk! He was bold since the first time we met…Though, his bold previous contact gave place to polite nods and body's contacts only when it was required on spare's classes. But soon, he became one of the most popular cadets in the classes. Not because he was a party guy, but because of his strong political's convictions.

One day, I summoned all my courage and went to a meeting that Cloud had made for some students. He was political, passionate and patriotic. He spoke like a leader for those cadets about the real situation of his hometown, about Midgar, about the planet resources. When he saw me in the last bench, I was drinking his words and my eyes couldn't stop to lock at his figure. He was so beautiful…My heart ached and I didn't know why. Perhaps because of the new ideas, perhaps because I felt betraying Sephy, perhaps because I was not trusting on my feelings…

In the finish of his speech, after the cadets went out of the room, he came to me. He was a little aback at see me there and his first word was harsh. I calmed him down, explaining that I was there just to learn other points of view. Not to rat him to our superiors. Nissan found out this without my help. The Soldiers informed him about the suspicious of subversive meetings at the training room. I said to Cloud that I was interested to learn more and we extended the meetings to long walks around the army fields at our free time.

Friendship had came for us and the coincidental fact that he was cousin of my best friend, was the proof I needed to know that if Cloud really wanted to be a revolutionary he would not need to join the army. I was so stupid… I exclaimed an 'oh so you are not a farmer boy?' and Cloud understood my question and answered with sarcasm that he was a farmer boy, but not a stupid, underbreed, poor one…

In a very cold night we were standing guard in a training on Midel. Cloud suggested to stay close because of the cold wind. I refused because the idea of two men too close were not something that I thought right. Today, I see that I was afraid of myself, about what I would want to do if I stay so close to Cloud. I don't know exactly what happened, I slept snuggled on his arms and when I opened my eyes I saw him petting my face.

" The first time that I saw you I was sorry for my behavior. You frightned me. More than the General. When I saw you at the meeting, again I got scared, I thought that you was there to spy. Then, you make me feel attached to you. Are you planning something bad for me? Don't do this Kadaj...I'm feeling lost...I'm feeling close to you and I want to be with you all the time."

He kissed me. All the statement of my feelings regarding that sassy, brave and beautiful blond boy stucked on my heart. Nobody, better saying, a man, had called me beautiful before. No one had dared to get so close and kiss my lips. I never had succumbed to such involvement with anyone. I was in love. I was in love a long time ago by a man. I kissed him back eagerly. The soft lips, the warm and wet tongue dancing inside my mouth…His callused hands, because of his excessive trainings without gloves, were cupping my face, exploring my shoulders and arms. We were panting in the arms of another, and when the time to be replaced by other guards came, we ran to our tent. I had heard about intercourses at the army. A lot of men, no woman, long times together…I was a virgin and I was scared. And Sephy and Mother's words inside of my mind, shouting that it could be an ambush made me cease all the caresses.

I told him my fears between tears and Cloud soothed me with a tenderness that I never had received before. We make up all night, till we were too tired and we slept cuddled together.

Our first time was at Aeris's house. Cloud's cousin. Geez…We weren't expecting what happened there but it was so intense…It was soon after Cloud had came back from the suspension's punishment.

Sephy, suspecting that I was lieing about be at Aeris's house drived me there with a distrusted glare at me. He dropped me and minutes later, he came back to check me. Cloud was already there. But Aeris is a great friend and I actually don't know till now, how she managed to stop Sephy to outburst into her room and find Cloud in there. She was brave, but after her performance, my poor friend shook like a chinese bamboo against the wind.

Cloud and I were scared to death when we heard Sephy's voice outside of the room. Her mother was having a tea party and when the ladies in the room saw my big brother, of course they make a damned fuss. Aeris has a pretty big closet and sure, it was the first place that Cloud had thought to hide himself, but obviously I didn't agree because it would be the first place that Sephy would look at. Thus, Cloud hid himself in the side of Aeris's bed. That way, Cloud would be able to escape through below the bed, and the space was pretty small and close to the window to be reach by Sephy. When Sephy got inside the room, I was expecting a river of rage upon me, but he was calm. He paced around the room and I was strategically seated on the bed, near Cloud. Any movement with my foot and Cloud would have to give way and stick himself under the bed.

I feigned a surprised face and asked him what he was doing there. He didn't lie to me. He had a intuition that I was with Cloud. He sat on the couch and glared at me waiting for my answer. Aeris again saved me with a nonsense talk about girly secrets, I was so aback because he was there with no mention that he would leave so soon. Inadvertently, I bumped my foot in Cloud and he was to move under the bed when I stopped him. But my foot, leapt on his groin. I had to high cough to cover his moan. What a time for Cloud get a hard on!

After some minutes with a very unpleasant silence, finally Sephy stood up and said again to me that he would pick me up in two hours. Aeris politely asked if I couldn't sleep there. He politely answered no. I didn't blink, but I stood up and gave him a hug. Gosh…I felt miserable because I was lieing to him. He kissed the top of my head, but his eyes showed me a cloud of doubts.

Minutes later Cloud went out of his hiding and hugged me tight.

We kissed and he was clearly with a hard on. I sensed the volume when he pulled me closer to his body, I moaned when I felt the hard bulge rubbing in my groin.

" Danger turns you on Cloud? How kinky…"

" No, you turn me on Kadaj. I see what you are doing to stay with me and I don't have words to say how much I want you…"

I didn't think for one second that Sephy could still be inside the house, or that Aeris could appear.

Cloud took my hand and we locked themselves at the library. He knew very well the Gainsborough's mansion and its secret's passages. As soon we were save, Cloud began to kiss me and I saw our clothes slowly stripping off of our bodies.

He is so beatiful, I blush when I think about the creamy skin, the perfect muscles, his hands over my body, his warm lips kissing all of me. The lust overwhelmed us.

He landed me soflty at the leather couch, I smirked because it was the place that I often saw Mr Gainsborough working. But when Cloud trailed wet kisses on my inner tights and his finger entered inside me, I cried out. He never had done it with me before and the hot painfuly sensation, mixed with something that threatened to explode inside me was amazing…

" We don't have much time, but I want so much this to be special…I love you Kadaj."

" I love you Cloud."

After the best kiss of my life, Cloud pulled me on four on the couch. I felt a dull pain and then the feeling that I would be ripped in two. Cloud's strong hands held me on place, and if he hadn't I would fell. I wasn't looking at mine or Cloud's nether parts. I wanted that and I knew what we were doing, but I didn't want to think about or try to understand. I wanted Cloud and I was having Cloud. He proved me a lot how much he loved me and I had to do the same. He muffled my whimpers with his mouth, kissing me, stroking my soft member; I was hard but the pain made it vanished away. Cloud's words that it would lessened soon, was futile and I was sorry to had let him done this to me, till he reached for a place that turned on all the pain in pure white bliss. An eletric jolt of pleasure ran through my spine till my toes and I cried out.

I trusted on Cloud after this. He wasn't lieing to me when he said that it was good and magic.

He thrusted into that special place again and again my body convulsed in lust. I was boiling from inside. I felt my body clenching, grabbing his member inside my ass if my life was depending on that. I felt Cloud whispering how much he loved me, and how much I was...hot. God, I'm blushing to think about this...It's so weird someone saying this to me...Cloud said that I need to get naked in front a mirror and see me. He said that he will do it because I should know how beautiful I'm...He's so sweet, my Cloud.

I forgot completely about my family, my tests, my goals. Everything was blurred and I was lost inside a bubble of comfort, warmness and pleasure on Cloud's arms. I was lost in his kisses, in his strokes on my member, on his hands sliding over my sweaty back and hips. Cloud intensified the pace and I spurted my seeds over the leather couch. I sensed when Cloud had came too when a hot and thick liquid was loaded inside of me. Only this time I opened my eyes and then I saw over my shoulder, his face ecstatic. When I looked between my legs, I saw blood and semen flowing incessantly and it took the magic away because Cloud hurried to the bathroom to take a cloth and help me to clean myself. I was in pain, I was feeling my body crash. Thank's god all the rooms inside that house had a bathroom.

Sephy arrived on time two hours later to pick me up and we went straight to home. He idly spoke about his spare training with Zack and Angeal and I tried hard to pay attention at his words, because my mind was far away, thinking about Cloud and in our time together.

I entered at home limping, my body aching and with a silly smile on my face. I was on heaven and I guess that Yazoo noticed it. He came after me on my room with that enigmatic look at his eyes.

" Are you in love?"

" Why?"

" I guess you are."

I chuckled and he kissed my cheeks. He said " good" and went out of my room.

After this day, every time I have I try to spend with Cloud. Aeris is our fairy, always helping us to see each other at her house or at small escapes to the farm. I didn't tell to none of my brothers about Cloud, I can't risk to have them telling Sephy before of me. I will do it, I just don't know when and how.