Chapter Ten
All hell broke loose in the moments after Harry disappeared. The crowd went into a panic, people screaming and running. Draco barely heard any of it, he was in shock, slightly numb. His father lay in a heap behind him but he could not bear to look at him. He knew that Ron lay dead not fifty feet from him, Hermione injured as well, the Weasley girl clinging to them both. He couldn't convince himself to care. He did not belong here. He thought of Antigone but was not concerned, he was sure she was being taken care of.
Harry's expression haunted him, the despair and depression, though very subtle, had not been missed by Draco. Nor had he missed the fact that Harry had tried to come to his aid, even turning away from Voldemort to do so. Why would he do that? Draco needed to know. There was no reason for him to stay.
He slipped away from the crowd, nobody noticed his departure. He realized that he did not have his wand and had to go back. He was forced to look at the body of his father. Lucius was so proud and powerful in life and Draco almost laughed to see him look so pathetic and inconsequential now. He wasn't special any more, he was just dead. Draco found his wand in the folds of Lucius' robes, carefully tucked away beside his own. Draco took a moment to stare at his wand, formerly his mother's. His father had to have recognized it.
As an afterthought, Draco picked up Lucius' wand and snapped it in two. Even in death, this wand would never cause pain again. He stared down at his father. "I hope you rot in hell, you bastard." He spat.
Having reclaimed his wand, Draco was now able to apparate and did so. He had to go see Harry, there was nothing that could stop him.
It had begun to rain, the overcast afternoon becoming dull, dreary and wet. Draco stared at the decrepit house where he knew Harry would be. The front door was wide open, he hadn't even bothered to close it. There was no evidence of the other Death Eaters who had been guarding the outside of the house.
He was soaking wet before he reminded himself to go inside. He walked up to the door, pushing it open the rest of the way. He was slightly hesitant to go in, but not afraid, not of Harry. Chunks of plaster lay on the hardwood in the entrance hallway, a large hole in the wall above the pile, it had been punched hard.
Walking further into the house Draco started noticing spots of blood on the floor, Harry was bleeding. The belt and scabbard containing the Sword of Gryffindor lay discarded on the floor. The sword had fallen part way out of its holder, it's length still covered in the now dried blood of Lord Voldemort.
There was no evidence of the three Death Eaters that had been shot in this room only hours before, the bodies and blood were all gone. The empty magnum lay on the coffee table, it's cylinder lay open, extra bullets scattered all around it. Harry's dragon hide shirt sat on the table beside it. Draco picked it up, it was damp. He pulled his hand away and found it to be covered in blood.
"Harry?" Draco called out calmly. The last thing he wanted to do was startle the man who had shown himself to be so powerful. "Where are you?"
Draco heard banging around and then the sound of glass shattering, coming from the kitchen. He moved slowly around the corner. "Harry?" He called again.
Draco stopped in his tracks when he entered the kitchen. Harry stood, bare chested, facing the wall. His hand were spaced wide on the counter top, his head hanging low near its surface. Broken glass littered the floor around his feet. Draco could see blood on the light coloured countertops, his hand smearing it around and he clenched his fists.
The blood on his shirt had come from the wound in his side being violently reopened. Draco's eyes moved from his injured side up to his chest, which was moving in sharp, ragged breaths as Harry tried to calm himself. Draco felt tears prick the back of his eyes at the sight of Harry, such a strong person, probably the strongest he had ever known, trying to keep hold of himself. Draco's chest felt heavy, like a great hole had been punched through him. The sight of Harry like this was almost too much for him to bear.
He moved slowly forwards, stopping only a few feet behind the raven haired man. He reached out to touch Harry, rest his hand on his shoulder, but he drew his hand back at the last moment. "Don't touch me." Harry croaked raggedly, his voice barely above a whisper. He did not turn around.
Draco took a step closer. "Harry, I-"
"Get out." Harry's voice hitched and cracked. His arms and back tensed, making his scarred flesh stand out as the muscles beneath them contracted.
Draco stood his ground and didn't move. "Let me help you." Draco's voice was so full of emotion. He picked up a tea towel that lay on the kitchen table and gently pressed it to Harry's bleeding side.
Harry spun around at the first sensation of contact, grabbing Draco's wrist, tearing it away from his side. The fast movement twisted harshly on his wound and his face contorted in pain. He wasn't able to conceal it any longer. "Get out!" He yelled this time. His voice was desperate and grief ridden. He choked on a sob but managed to pull himself back.
"No." Draco whispered, gently placing his other hand on Harry's. His gaze focused on their hand and slowly rose to meet Harry's gaze.
Harry ripped his hand away and stalked into the living room, wrenching open the cabinet door where he kept all his liquor. He grabbed the first bottle he could lay his hands on and struggled to remove the cap. Draco followed him, watching from a distance, sadness washing completely over his face. Harry tipped the bottle up and drank deeply. He only swallowed once and his stomach convulsed, making him nearly choke. His body curled over and he dry-heaved, his right arm shooting out in front of him to brace himself on the cabinet. He threw the bottle to the ground and it shattered into a million pieces. His eyes were closed, his breathing shallower, more frantic.
He covered his eyes with his shaky left hand, still bracing himself up on the cabinet. He let out one choked sob still desperately trying to hold himself back. He couldn't do this much longer.
Draco could feel his pain radiating out across the room and went to his side. Draco stood in the space between his body and the cabinet, their faces close. Draco's left hand covered Harry's right one, his other reaching up to pull Harry's hand away from his eyes. Harry suppressed another sob.
"It's going to be okay." Draco tried to reassure him, his voice shaky. "I won't let you do this alone." He forced Harry to look into his eyes.
Harry broke. With a great wailing sob, Harry fell to his knees, taking Draco down with him. He clung to Draco desperately, his fists clutching Draco's shirt tightly. He buried his face into Draco's chest and just let go. Draco eased him even farther to the ground, Draco's back rested against the wall behind him. Draco's arms wrapped just as tightly around Harry, one hand gripped tightly in his hair, holding his head firmly to his chest, the other rubbing soothing circles on Harry's back.
Harry curled up, letting his knees rest over Draco's legs. He didn't hold back. Every ounce of anger, fear, loneliness, grief, sorrow, longing and guilt came flowing out of him. He couldn't hold it back, not anymore.
Silent tears trailed down Draco's cheeks as he held him. Draco's cheek rested on the top of Harry's head. He turned slightly and placed a lingering kiss on his forehead. He felt the tears from his eyes fall onto Harry's face. Harry felt them too, and gripped Draco even tighter.
Draco thought of all the time he had known Harry and was amazed that it hadn't come to this before. This boy in front of him needed so much help, just someone to care, someone to be there. Harry's grip seemed desperate and pleading. "I'm not going anywhere." Draco's voice broke as he tried to reassure him. "Not even if you wanted me to. You left me once, I'm not going to let us be apart again."
Draco felt a warm, wet sensation on his neck and assumed it was Harry's tears. He looked down at Harry, whose lips were placing soft kisses on Draco's neck.
"I'm sorry." Harry whispered. "Draco, I'm so-"
"Sh." Draco covered Harry's mouth with his hand. "Not now." He kissed Harry's forehead again and resumed comfortingly rubbing his back.
Harry sighed deeply, his breath hitching as it always does after a long cry. Both boys sat in comfortable silence. Both felt safe, more safe than they had in years and neither wanted to break the silence. They sat for what seemed an eternity. Harry became so relaxed, his exhaustion took over and he drifted off into a light, uneasy sleep, wrapped tightly in Draco's arms.
Draco suddenly remembered, in another time and place, holding Harry like this after a similar encounter with the Dark Lord.
Draco had apparated recklessly, he had never tried taking someone along with him before, certainly not somebody unconscious and seriously injured. He had taken Harry to the first place he had thought of, the only place safe he knew.
Draco lost his footing as the landed on the sandy beach in front of his mother's Italian ocean side retreat. He hauled Harry to his feet and dragged him inside the sea side villa. He dropped him on the sofa in the main living area and sat down next to him.
Harry was finally starting to regain control of his body and was able to speak.
"Where- what-"
"I got you out, Potter, he was going to kill you."
"No!" Harry sat up quickly, but dizziness overwhelmed him and stars swam before his eyes. Draco guided him back down. "I have to go back..." Harry whispered, barely keeping himself conscious.
"I'll be damned if you go back there and get yourself killed when I've just risked my ass getting you out."
"Malfoy, doesn't it get tiring only thinking of yourself all the time?" Harry barely managed to whisper before falling out of consciousness.
Draco smirked down at Harry, this was going to be interesting.
Draco was shocked out of his memory by Harry squirming and mumbling in his arms. He thrashed violently and curled into an even tighter ball on the floor beside Draco. He didn't scream, his face scrunched up in the familiar expression that Draco had seen so many times before in their months spent together after the battle. Harry was having a vision. There was no pulling him out of it.
When finally Harry's eyes snapped open, his body relaxed. Draco simply held his hand, let him stay silent. Harry pulled his hand out of Draco's and sat up, leaning against the wall beside him.
"Did you see him?" Draco asked softly, trying to take Harry's hand again, but he pulled away and didn't respond. "Harry, don't do this." He said darkly. "Don't shut everyone out. Don't shut me out. There are people out there who care about you, I-" Draco trailed off the end of his sentence. "You shouldn't have to do this on your own."
"I can't let anyone in." Harry replied openly. There was no censor filtering out what he said, the words were coming from deep inside him. "I want so badly to- why can't I feel?" He buried his face in his hands. "Why am I so empty?"
"You need to let yourself feel. You've begun already, Harry, we wouldn't be having this conversation otherwise. But you can't hide behind this shell any longer. You have to let people in, you need to let them care. You need help."
"I can't. I can't let anybody care about me. I just, I can't." Draco began to interrupt but Harry cut him off. "No! Everyone I've ever cared for, every single fucking person I've ever loved, has ended up dead! It's easier to just not care, not feel."
"That's not true Harry. Because you've cared for all those people, and they for you, their deaths became sacrifices, reasons for you to become stronger."
Harry shot to his feet, anger clouding his vision. "Sacrifices?! How can you say they've made me stronger? Look at me! I just fucking killed my best friend and it certainly hasn't made me stronger!" Harry laughed and sobbed at the same time.
"Their deaths had to have had a purpose. For you to do what you do, their deaths have to have meant something." Draco stood as well.
"And I suppose you know that purpose? If you have the answers, Draco, please tell me so I can end this miserable existence I call my life!" Harry's anger deflated from his face and instead turned to misery. "Until this is done, finally, completely over, I can not care about anybody. I can not feel."
Draco sighed. "Harry, nobody but you has those answers, even if you don't know what they are right now. I see you. You're silently screaming to the world for someone to notice your despair. I see it Harry. I'm here to help you."
Their eyes locked and Draco silently pleaded for Harry to trust him. Something flickered in Harry's eyes and for just a fleeting moment, Draco thought he saw a bit of the old sparkle back in them. Harry took a step forward, slightly closing the gap between them. The spark left his eyes quickly and though he did not move back a step, Draco suddenly felt as though there was an insurmountable distance between the two of them. His gaze turned to a sneer and he averted his eyes.
"Dammit Harry!" Draco was frustrated. He closed the gap between them. "What did I do wrong? What happened between us that made you look at me the way you are now? You look at me like you hate me, but how can that be when we... when I-" Draco stopped his ramblings with a bitter chuckle. "I can't figure it out. During those months in Italy I did nothing but support you, help you, comfort you when you needed it! Tell me why I need to suffer because of you! Tell me why you have abandoned the beliefs you fought so hard for during all your years at Hogwarts?"
Harry shook his head as he listened to Draco rant. Finally not able to take any more of his yelling and accusations, he came to his own defence. "What the hell ever made you think that those beliefs were mine to begin with? Never in any of my years at Hogwarts was I ever able to have an opinion. It was always 'This is what we believe in Harry' or 'This is what you're fighting for." Do you honestly think that, if given a choice, an eleven year old boy would say 'Sure, I'd love to take the fate of the entire wizarding world in my hands. Tell me where to sign up!' I had no choice. When I was finally able to get away from everything I could finally make my own decisions. I realized that I had only ever fought for others and I was sick of it! It was time for me to fight for myself!" Harry pointed his thumb at his chest. He turned and paced, running his hands through his hair.
"Is that the reason you let the world think you were dead? You could make your own decisions so you decided to be a selfish teenager for once. Is that the reason you left me? Tell me!" Draco shouted, tears pooling in his eyes, threatening to spill over. Harry did not respond. "Why won't you just tell me why-"
Harry stormed over to Draco, grabbing the front of his shirt harshly. He seemed to be warring with his words, but censorship lost and the words came flowing out. "It's because I loved you!" He exclaimed, letting go of Draco's shirt and backing away. "How could I stay with you when-"
"You what?" Draco stuttered, stunned, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I said I loved you. You were the reason this happened to me. You were the reason I became what I am now. You have no idea how much it tore me up inside to have to leave you. But how could I stay with you and put you in so much danger? My visions were getting worse, it was only a matter of time before Voldemort tracked me down. I couldn't risk you getting hurt, I couldn't-" Harry took a breath. "So I made a choice. I chose to leave, to live without you so I wouldn't have to watch you die. From then on I was just surviving. I was not going to save anyone anymore. I had saved the one person who meant more to me than any other in the entire world. I saved you. We were even. I didn't owe anyone anything. This was my time to do something for me. I only went after Voldemort for one reason: revenge, but not for my parents, Sirius or Cedric. I wanted revenge because I was not given the right to a normal life! I just wanted to be with you and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, life doesn't give you what you want. I had nothing, and so, I had nothing to lose."
"But I'm here now! You don't have to protect me." Draco was panicking, his breathing getting faster. He could read the expression on Harry's face. He was leading up to something. "My father's dead, Voldemort is weak. Stay with me. We'll figure something out."
"It won't work." Harry shook his head. "He'll never stop looking for me. I can't kill him, I don't know how-" Harry choked on his words grabbing Draco's shirt again, gentler this time. He pulled Draco close. "I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I quit. I just don't care anymore." One of Harry's hands snaked around the back of Draco's neck, pulling his face close, their foreheads touching. "I have to leave."
"Harry, no, you can't leave. What will I do-"
Harry silenced him with a quick, hard kiss. They clung to each other desperately, neither wanting the moment to end. The kiss slowed, but they did not separate. Harry tried to push Draco away but Draco's arms were wrapped so tightly around his neck that it was nearly impossible.
"No..." Draco whimpered.
Harry pried Draco's arms from him and stepped away. He turned and picked up his shirt from the coffee table and quickly pulled it over his head.
Draco stood shellshocked, his fingers lightly touching his lips. He couldn't move. He watched as Harry picked up the sword from the floor and attached it to his hip. He reloaded the gun, pocketing a handful of spare bullets. Draco did not hear any words spoken, but Harry's lips moved and the two weapons turned invisible at his side. Without looking back, Harry strode into his bedroom and returned moments later wearing a long black coat.
Draco grabbed his arm as he passed and Harry stopped. He turned his head to Draco, keeping his body faced in the direction of the door. "Goodbye Draco." He said, his voice creaking. A softness returned to his eyes only for a moment. "I always loved you." His eyes turned back into ice and he turned away.
Pulling his arm out of Draco's grip he stalked out of the room, out the door. Draco snapped out of his daze and ran to follow him, but when he reached the doorway he only saw the black figure for another split second before a great crack reverberated through the air and Harry disappeared with it.
Draco stood alone in the middle of the driveway, rain pelting down on his frame. He looked out into the gloomy distance, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I love you too..." He whispered into the distance.