Note – Dedicated to Amick and Amber. This isn't the Christmas fic I promised you guys (working on that one) but just something fun I came up with. This is mildly AH; just pick it up as you go along.
Google Boggles, Patent Pending
"Stone Cold, I'm telling you, it's the most brilliant invention ever," Spinelli was gushing as he followed Jason around the apartment. "It's the most amazing, practical thing that the Jackal has ever come up with. Sure, I kind of ripped the idea off of Google Goggles, but there exists originality sufficient for me to patent this baby."
Jason, who was trying to get ready for the hospital Christmas party, frowned over his shoulder as he fussed with his tie. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Google Goggles," the boy replied. "Surely, you've heard of it."
"No."
Spinelli made a choking noise and flailed his arms. Jason wasn't amused.
"Just tell me, Spinelli. No goddamn theatrics."
"Google Goggles is an application for the Droid," he said slowly, enunciating every syllable as if Jason were four. "You load it onto your phone, and it works with your camera to integrate information."
"That doesn't mean anything."
"Like, okay, say I wanted to buy this book." He picked up a travel book that Jason had left on the desk. "I just take a picture of it, filling up as much of the screen as I can…"
Jason watched him do this, wondering why this was so revolutionary.
"And…look!" Spinelli held up the phone proudly, and Jason saw the Amazon listing for the book on his desk. "The application automatically reads it and pulls up information on it using my web browser, so that the Jackal can purchase it if he were interested in…Guam. Guam? Who's interested in Guam?"
"It has a thriving tourism-based economy, and its largest source of income is from the US military," Jason scoffed, finally getting the four-in-hand knot right. "Plenty of people are interested in Guam."
Spinelli ignored this. "Anyway, look, I can do the same thing with the Goddess Mother's business card. See? I take a picture, it loads the picture, and it reads all the text on the picture of the card and will let me email her, call her, look her up online on that lawyer listing, and add her to my contacts with one tap. Pretty cool, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess," Jason shrugged. "Did you invent that?"
"Did I-" Spinelli let out an exasperated wheeze. "No! Google invented that! They call it Google Goggles! It's only been the talk of the tech world since it came out three days ago! But Google's going to be very interested in what the Jackal whipped up, too, I'll tell you that. I think they should call it…Google Boggles."
"That's a dumb name."
"You're a dumb name," Spinelli shot back automatically. He'd been growing something of a backbone recently, even if his insults sometimes didn't make sense. "Google Boggles is brilliant. Every single man in the world is going to want to buy it."
"Yeah?" Jason slid him a humorless look. "Why? Because unless it downloads porn and makes you a sandwich at the same time, no one cares."
"It derives the actual but hidden meaning in everything that comes out of the mouth of any and every member of the fairer sex," Spinelli said proudly.
Jason gave him a sidelong glance, frozen in place as he bent to pick up his watch from the low-lying coffee table. "…No, it doesn't."
"Oh, yes, it does."
"No," he said firmly, straightening and putting on his Tag Huer. "It doesn't."
"Shall we put it to a test?" Spinelli asked sweetly, and Jason's stomach kind of lurched. There was no reason for the little imbecile to be that confident. Except…
He almost laughed.
Nah, couldn't be.
Unless…
He stared at Spinelli through narrowed eyes for a moment, but the boy didn't waver or flinch. But before Jason could say anything, the door flew open and Maxie barged right in, as she was often wont to do.
"Are we going to the Christmas party or what?" she demanded, tossing her purse on Jason's desk before making a bee-line for the Cheetos Spinelli had set out in a bowl on the table.
Spinelli showed Jason his phone's screen. There, in plain text, it said, are we going to the Christmas party or what?
"That's not translation, that's transcription," he hissed witheringly at the kid, relieved that it didn't work and, frankly, a little angry at himself for being so gullible.
Spinelli's voice was eerily calm. "Patience, Stone Grass Cold Hopper."
"Cheetos are amazing," Maxie sighed.
Jason glanced at the screen. Cheetos are amazing.
Pffft.
Maxie popped another one into her mouth and gave Jason in a cursory glance. "Hey, you're not going dressed like that, are you?"
Jason frowned at her. "Yeah. What's wrong with it?"
Spinelli cleared his throat quietly as Maxie scoffed and went back to her Cheetos, and when he showed Jason the screen, the text said something different.
Because you look like a yuppie.
His eyes widened, but Jason quickly masked his surprise. "You wrote that."
"Did you hear me type?"
"That doesn't mean you didn't do it."
"Fine," Spinelli said, flipping a little switch on the top of the phone and handing it to Jason. "There, I locked it. You keep it and see what happens."
"Honestly, Jason, I'd ditch the tie," Maxie was saying, still popping Cheetos in her mouth. "You look dumb."
Honestly, Jason, I'd ditch the tie. You look dumb.
Jason glared at Spinelli, convinced that it had all been a trick since the device was back to transcription. "I look fine."
"Yeah?" She glanced at him slyly. "Who are you hoping to run into?"
You just want Elizabeth to take one look at you and shove you in the closet and put it to you.
Jason gaped at the screen, unable to respond to Maxie's harmless little question, so Spinelli quickly covered for him.
"Maximista, the Stone Cold one and I have some work to do before the party," he lied, grabbing her arm and dragging her to the door. He practically threw her purse and coat at her as she squawked. "We'll be sure to meet up with you there, though. Bye!"
He slammed the door in her face and winced at the sound of her yelling as she stalked away. The screen flickered, displaying the text, I don't know why I hang out with you, you little thingie-head.
"Thingie-head?" Spinelli pursed his lips and thought as Jason sank down onto the couch. "Oh, I must have enabled the profanity filter. Well, that's annoying. Allow me to fix it, Stone Cold."
Jason was still gaping at him as Spinelli made the changes and handed it back to him. "You planned this. You and Maxie planned all this."
Spinelli shrugged. "Let's find out."
He marched over to the door and stuck his head out into the hall. "Noble Nurse Nadine? HEY! NOBLE NURSE NADINE!"
"OH MY GOD WHAT?" came the yell from down the hall. Their newest neighbor, one of the nurses at the hospital, didn't like being summoned that way.
The screen flickered, then read, Don't yell my name like that!
"Can you come here for a second?"
In a couple of minutes they heard stomping and there stood Nadine Crowell, wearing a green velvet dress and a Robin Hood cap, all dressed up to be one of Santa's elves. "What?"
What?
"Nurse Nadine, if I might ask you a question," Spinelli said seriously, leaning against the door. "What would you say if I told you that the Jackal was madly in love with you?"
Her lips formed a perfect "o" of surprise and a moment passed before Nadine could speak. "Oh, Spinelli, that's just the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me, and I know I probably wouldn't have the guts to say that to someone, but like Aunt Rayleen used to say, sometimes you've gotta take the bull by the horns, and you know I adore you and I cherish our friendship and you've been such an important part of my life since I moved to Port Charles, and I really appreciate your feelings for me, but it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for a serious relationship and, in all honesty, I just love our friendship too much to risk ruining it, and I hope you understand."
"Of course, I do," Spinelli grinned. "The Jackal merely needed to prove a point, which you helped him with muchly, for which he is very appreciative. Later, Nurse Nadine."
He shut the door in her face and walked over to Jason. "Well? What does it say?"
Jason was too flabbergasted to do anything but hold up the phone, displaying a single word.
No.
Spinelli smirked proudly. "Did I tell you or did I tell you?"
He just shook his head. "How did you – I didn't even – and it says – does it always – How did you…?"
"The Jackal has mad skills," the young man replied, fluffing out his shirt. There was a knock on the door and he headed for it, looking over his shoulder. "You're welcome to try out the prototype with me. If you discover any bugs, let me know so I know what to fix."
"Jason, Spinelli, hurry up." Without even bothering with a greeting, Carly burst into the penthouse and began to fuss with Jason, half-dragging him toward the closet so he could get his jacket and his keys and join her.
"We all have to be at the Christmas party in twenty minutes. The boys are really looking forward to spending it with you, Jason." She smiled widely and leaned into him, not noticing that he was a little distracted. "You have to take their picture when they're sitting with Santa, Jason, and you have to be there when they open their gifts so I can get pictures. Don't you dare disappear on me, understand? Especially not to sneak off with that stupid twit, Elizabeth. All she wants is to monopolize your time and attention so that you can't spend time with me and the boys and Sonny, which is where you belong, anyway. Oops, forgot my lip gloss."
Spinelli, who had taken the phone from Carly when she shoved Jason's leather jacket in his hands, held it up.
Blah blah blah I'm a stupid whore.
Jason scowled, but Spinelli just shrugged.
"It's 99.99% accurate every time, Stone Cold. Sorry, but Google Boggles wins."
~*~*~*~*~*~
.: General Hospital :.
Jason was fucking never letting Spinelli's phone out of his sight again.
The thing was invaluable! All his life, he'd been constantly perplexed by all the nonsense that came out of any given woman's mouth. She said she didn't want a big fuss on her birthday, and it would turn out she did. She said she didn't want him to say 'I love you' back just because she said, but it would turn out that she did. She said that she hadn't seen the files that he was missing, and it would turn out that she had turned them over to one of his enemies and he had to end her.
Shit like that was always happening to him.
But now he had this little application – 'app,' as the kids were calling it these days – and it was revolutionary. It was life-changing. It was…always going to stay with him.
Testing it out had been an absolute blast. He'd ridden the elevator up to the fifth floor with Kelly Lee, and her innocuous 'hello' had translated to a resounding do me according to Google Boggles.
That was still a dumb as fuck name, but he wasn't going to complain.
Once on the fifth floor, Jason had run into Alexis and Kristina. Alexis's remarks were pretty straightforward, and the app didn't have to work very hard to translate at all. But when little Kristina said 'bye, Jason, see you later,' he realized that what she really meant was, bye, Jason, I can't wait until you find out that I stuck my lollipop onto the back of your jacket.
Goddamn kids with their goddamn lollipops.
Audrey Hardy had managed a cool 'hello, Jason,' and had chatted with him for a moment about the hospital party, which had translated as, I can't believe you came. I wish you hadn't. I don't much enjoy seeing your face. Oh, I'm going to go pretend I have to work over here now.
Same old Audrey Hardy.
Next up was Monica, whose polite 'Merry Christmas, Jason' had translated into, I love you from the bottom of my heart and am so glad you've lived to see another year because I wouldn't be able to bear it if you hadn't.
Er…Maybe he'd send her a large bouquet of roses on Christmas morning or something.
Carly had shown up periodically, usually to order him to take a picture with Michael and Morgan, and each time, the device gave him the same translation as before: blah blah blah I'm a stupid whore.
Eh. Couldn't win them all.
And then there was Elizabeth.
Jason tried to keep the predatory smile off his face but wasn't sure he was succeeding as he sauntered up to her. She was wearing a red velvet dress just like Nadine's and a Santa hat. "Hey."
"Jason, hi, I'm glad you came," she grinned. "Merry Christmas. Ooh, I like your tie."
Another nurse came up just then to get her signature on an insurance report, giving Jason time to check out his phone.
Jason, hi, I'm glad you came. Merry Christmas. Ooh, I'd like to jingle your bells, that's for sure.
Jason smirked. Outstanding.
"Are you staying for the party, or just making a quick appearance?"
He glanced discreetly at the screen. I hope you're staying. "I don't really know. Carly makes me come to these things. And I'm on the hospital board…"
Elizabeth nodded. "You do have your responsibilities. You want some punch? It's pretty good – Nadine made it. Her Aunt Rayleen's recipe."
With the blonde nurse just down the hall from them, and with her being a good friend of Spinelli's, Jason couldn't go a single day without hearing about that Aunt of hers. "Yeah, sure."
"Be right back."
Spinelli had apparently been waiting in the wings, watching him talk to Elizabeth, and now that the nurse had drawn off, he eagerly rushed his mentor. "Well? How's it going?"
"Shut up," Jason hissed, making sure Elizabeth couldn't hear them. "Jesus, what's the matter with you?"
"Pardon the Jackal for wanting to know how his prototype was working!" Spinelli half-yelled, throwing his arms in the air. Seeing that people were starting to turn and look, Jason skewered him with a glare.
"Don't draw so much attention."
"I just wanted to know how it was working," Spinelli hissed back. "Think about it, Stone Cold. You're obviously taken with the Fair One. Instead of doing that whole does-she-doesn't-she dance back and forth for who only knows how long, you can cut right to the chase. I mean, all that courtship and angst and drama, it's so…overrated."
He rolled his eyes, and Jason paused, considering this. "Who knows how long it could take you two to get together? I mean, you could be the biggest pansy on the planet and wait, like, I don't know, eight years to get with her."
Jason scoffed. "Yeah, like I'd ever be that big a pussy."
"You know what I mean," Spinelli replied. "That dance takes forever. The misunderstandings, the angst, the coyness, all that. With this, you never have to wonder. You can just get right to it because you will always know exactly what she means when she says something to you. No games. No crap. No waiting. You have it all right there, in the palm of your hand. Stone Cold, it's like a Pass Go, Collect $200 card."
Jason, who'd been listening along this whole time, was now staring at the phone in his hand. He'd been intrigued by how easy it was to understand a woman thanks to this thing – even blinded by it. But the more Spinelli talked about how he'd found the easy way out, the more he was starting to realize that it might not be all it was cracked up to be.
He looked across the room at Elizabeth, who was filling two paper cups with some kind of fruity punch. She caught him staring and her eyes glittered. And when the corner of her mouth lifted just a little, Jason realized that he would have given anything to know what it meant…and that he also didn't want to know in any certain terms.
Because that was the fun of it.
If he used the device to always know what Elizabeth was thinking when she said something to him, he was robbing himself of that allure, that mystery. He was cheating them both of it.
She was walking back over to him and Spinelli was practically tittering with excitement, knowing that his beloved mentor couldn't strike out now in any way if he tried. Without stopping to talk himself out of it, Jason put the phone in Spinelli's hand just as Elizabeth came up.
The boy stared at him in surprise. "Uh, Stone Cold, don't you want to-"
"Thanks for lending me your phone, Spinelli," he said smoothly, accepting the punch Elizabeth held out to him. "You can go now."
He didn't spare him another glance and instead turned to the nurse. "Hey, listen, I was thinking of ducking out a little early, as soon as they're done with the Santa thing. Do you want to get some coffee or something with me?"
She bit her lip, considering it, and nodded slowly with a smile. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to."