Chapter 2
EPOV
I must have been sitting at my desk all day. Application after application for the fellowship running through my brain. All well qualified applicants. Some had the experience needed for the spot, others had the accolades for their academic performance, and of course some were as always a pathetic half-hearted attempt that seemed to be a last minute decision on the applicant's part. It was just a blur of the same monotonous answers to the essay questions and it felt like I would never be satisfied with a decision to fill this year's position.
I still had a hard time understanding why I had to decide the fate of for the fellowship. Sure, I did oversee the work and research that the recipient would take part in over the course of their time here, but it wasn't my fellowship. My father was the one who established it when he was an active professor on campus. Now he sat on as a member of the board of trustees, retiring from the classroom and just dished his wealth back to his second home.
With an exasperated sign I pushed myself from my desk and slowly stood to wake the numb nerves that had settled during the course of the day. I should have been reading thesis papers for my Master's students, grading the midterm from my developmental psychology course for my bachelor's level students or checking on my research team in the lab, but I was forced to spend all day today and possibly tomorrow in my office because I was Edward Cullen, and I was obligated by my job and my blood relation to make a decision for on the Cullen Neuropsychology Fellowship.
"God damn it." I hissed as I reached for my brown leather briefcase and started tossing the paperwork into it to take them home.
"I take it you haven't found a recipient for the fellowship yet, or did God break one of your precious EEG monitors again?" the calm stoic voice of my father met me as I went to turn for the door to leave for the day.
"If another EEG is down, I swear I will have a coronary and it will push back my research even more than it already is." Just thinking about another setback made me start to panic, and of course I had forgotten to refill my Xanax prescription yesterday.
My father smiled softly at me, waiting for me to compose myself as we stood outside my door after I locked it up. "Edward, son. Don't push yourself with this. I know there is a lot on your plate at the moment, so I want you to take a deep breath, visualize your place of serenity. Please do that for me right now." His firm hands took my shoulders keeping me in place and so I closed my eyes.
I visualized the place of serenity I had chosen years ago when I was being mentored by my father during my master's program. I took a deep breath and went there traveling in my mind. It was dark, quiet and celestial bodies encircled me and soon all tension constricting in my chest slowly subsided after some time. Once I was back to normal, I opened my eyes to see my father still outside my office standing in front of me with his same reassuring smile that made me always feel better.
"So, have you made and headway on the applicants or are you still just seeing a blur of written white noise when you look at them?"
It was uncanny how my father could catch me off guard when he was so accurate in his summations.
"I don't know why I have to decide. It's your fellowship, so I think it would be only fair that you make the choice." I knew I sounded immature in my argument but I was tired and my stress level was increasing exponentially each day.
My father's slight chuckle told me there was no way I would get out of it. 'Son, it's the Cullen Neuropsychology Fellowship. If it had been the Carlisle fellowship, then it should fall solely on me, but seeing it is not so… well, you get the picture."
Of course I got the picture. Loud and clear. I knew I should have been a broke musician like I wanted to be during my difficult and awkward teenage years rather than a world renowned Neuropsychology specialist, following in the steps of my admirable father. I would have been happy in either career, but I felt the most helpful to the world in the career I was now in.
If I had been a musician, I would have played nightly for tips in smoke filled bars in every corner of the world I could book, drinking till the morning, seeing the world and falling in love with every woman I met. Instead I hardly had time during the day to eat a balanced meal or to stop and remember to tie my shoes.
Sure I traveled to different parts of the world, but only to present my research findings on Biofeedback and Neurofeedback of hypnosis at lectures and then take the red-eye back to the states only to jet off to another lecture or instruct a course. It was nice to have some spare time during the summer months when a majority of the university was out until August before my hectic schedule would start again.
My father looked at me from the corner of his eye as we walked the length of the hallway to the parking structure near the Behavioral Sciences building. "So, Esme was wondering when we would see you for dinner. She's missed you quite a bit since Christmas."
I sighed. I had been planning on stopping by my family's residence during the University's spring break, but had been called away to Munich to present findings from my article that was published in a psychology journal the previous winter.
"I'm not sure, I mean, I hope to soon. I just need to check my schedule, but I'm pretty sure I can though, hopefully before the end of the semester." I rushed my response, feeling like a horrible son.
He knew my guilt would send me into another state of panic, so he did what he could to calm me. "Edward, we understand. Emmett is coming into town this weekend and his fiancée Rosalie will be having dinner with us Saturday night at 6pm. She's decided to bring her brother Jasper along to meet us finally since he will be part of your brother's groomsmen with you. If you can, we'll set a place for you to join us. Just remember, you are not obligated, but we would love to have you there."
We had just stepped out of the building when I noticed that the sky was darker than it should have been and I could barely see a foot in front of me through the rain. Just wonderful, I had left my tan trench coat back in my office. I wished my father a good evening and told him I would do my best to make it to the dinner that Saturday as he opened his black umbrella and disappeared through the rain.
Wanting nothing more than to curl up on my sofa at my home, I jogged back down the corridor to my office, unlocked it and stepped inside to retrieve my coat from the rack. As I crossed the threshold I noticed some papers laying on the floor of my office at the base of my mahogany desk almost next to the trash receptacle. Detouring from the coat rack I crossed the room and bent down to pick up whatever it was. There was a thick binder clip keeping the papers together. I flipped it over to read what it was. Another application from some woman in the state of Washington.
"Looks like it was a good thing I forgot my coat, otherwise your application would have been scrapped, Ms. Swan." I mumbled to myself jokingly and quickly put the ridiculous amount paperwork in my briefcase, yanked my coat off the rack and quickly closed door of my office. I sprinted down the corridor and lifted my collar as I ran for the dry safety of my Volvo.
"Today will just never end." I sighed, turning the ignition of my car.
Anxious to get home and take the last of my Xanex, I drove maniacally through the rain to my townhouse just outside the city. I didn't make it to my bedroom to change before flopping on my soft brown leather couch and sinking in. I might have fallen asleep for around an hour when I was woken by a loud crash of thunder. I guess I should get some of my responsibilities out of the way tonight. I slid out of my now dry trench and threw it to the love seat I had inherited from Grandma Masen after she passed a few years ago. I loosened my tie to slip it off over my head and decided I wasn't comfortable enough yet and took off the dress shirt I had warn today and kicked off my loafers. Finally able to breathe in my white undershirt and my slacks I strode to the kitchen and popped my last Xanax in my mouth and chased it with a glass of tap water.
My briefcase was mocking me as is sat on the coffee table and I stared it down contemplating if it was actually worth staying up to take care of this pointless task. Don't get me wrong, the fellowship was always a wonderful opportunity for some lucky person, but hardly any recipients were able to last more than a year with all that was involved. Every year I would pray to find someone that was able to work through it all, but I was never given a chance to see my wish fulfilled. Giving in, I marched my way back to the couch and sat down hard.
"Cheese and Rice, this blows" I reverted back into my rebellious youth as I opened my dreaded brief case and pulled out the applications. Neatly stacking the applicants into different piles I was finally able to make some cuts. After two hours, fifty applications were being placed in my confidential shredder trashcan. There was still a stack of around twenty nine others that could have some potential. I then sorted those. There was a pile for those with strong essays, one for those who had excellent letters of recommendations and a stack for applicants with several academic accomplishments. I was almost complete separating the applications when I had one left. The monster application that was almost scrapped this afternoon if I hadn't run back to get my trench.
I started to go through the application to see which of the three stacks Ms. Swan's would fall in. She had numerous letters of recommendations from professors in the Seattle area, some that I had actually worked with and had a professional rapport. Over the course of her high school, college and post college career she had received several awards for excellence in academics, presenting at research conferences, and even excellence in a counseling center where she had gained some on site experience. I continued to look through her application reading the answers to the essay questions and finding myself intrigued with the responses.
Well thought out work, with professionalism that would surely be published in any academic journal and intertwined with real life experiences which helped to make her relatable.
It took over an hour to finish reading her application and letters of recommendation. By the time the clock in the living room chimed midnight there were seventy eight shredded applications and one letter of congratulations addressed to a Ms. Isabella Swan of Forks, Washington. I hoped that Ms. Swan would be able to handle the pressures she was about to face for the next three years, and it was the first time in a long time that I wished for Cullen Fellowship recipient to make through without giving up because this woman seemed to be very determined and bright, at least on paper.
Once I printed the letter and completed my section of the paperwork to finalize the selection, I figured it was time for a quick dinner before slipping into bed. Standing over the kitchen island I ate the over-salted TV dinner spaghetti and downed a glass of water before heading to my bedroom to call it a night. There was a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders and a feeling of calm took its place as I climbed the stairs to my room. Figuring the meds were kicking in I slipped out of my slacks and took off my socks and slipped between the sheets of my king sized bed. Before I knew it, my eyes were closing and then flickered open to see my alarm clock flash as it was screeching my 6am wake-up call.
"Fuck." I am not a morning person.
After a quick shower, dressing in my tweed suit and grabbing a granola bar, I was out the door and driving unwillingly to the University. I had a lot to do this morning.
My first stop of the day was the lab. Saying a quick hello to the leads of my research team that also happened to be some of the closest friends I had. Angela Webber and Ben Cheney had been undergraduate students of mine when I first met them. Showing promise in my courses and a shear fascination as participants in some of my research, I had asked them to join my research team during their senior year, which they both were more than happy to accept.
That was over five years ago and they were still working with me. Both had continued their education with the university and received their Master's in Neuropsychology and were both in the process of obtaining their doctorates. I continued to offer my assistance to them whenever they asked. Over time I had noticed their professionalism towards each other outside the halls of the university had evolved from cohorts in academia into a romantic relationship. It never interfered with their work in the lab or their work on their dissertations so I never discouraged it, but I did find myself envying them for having each other.
I had dated in the past, but nothing as serious as what Angela and Ben have. I knew that there would be an announcement of their engagement in the not so distant future. It was obvious by the way Ben's eyes would brim with pure joy as Angela could explain the alpha and beta waves from a participants EEG readings. If he was expressing his love with his eyes like he did while she rattled about something everyone else in the world would find boring, there was no way he would not claim her as his wife.
It seemed that everyone was finding someone these days. Even my brother Emmett. The perpetual bachelor met his Rosalie while vacationing with some of his college friends in London. She was there to study fine arts as part of a summer program when she literally ran into my brother while being preoccupied with the traffic and confusion of Piccadilly Circus, saving her from being British road kill. And that was just the short version of the story. Every time that I had been in the same room as him since they met I had to hear him explain it to everyone and each time the details being more specific with each telling. After the tenth time I started to block him out of my mind and put up my barrier where I would then retreat to my place of serenity. If I didn't, I would stress myself to the point of anxiety attack and would ruin everyone's evening, possibly not receiving an invitation to come back anytime soon. This was a reason I did not want to attend Saturday's dinner, but I still said I would try to go, at least for my mother's sake.
After catching up with Ben and Angela, I informed them that a decision had been made for the fellowship and that Ms. Isabella Swan would join our research team. Angela was thrilled that there would finally be another female to work alongside of in the very male dominated lab, to which I chuckled at and Ben rolled his eyes to. I excused myself and told them I need to stop at the main building to inform my father of the new addition to our team and that I should be in my office until my development course at 1pm that afternoon. Both Angela and Ben waved goodbye to me and went back to watching the measurements on the EEG readings from the previous week. Their heads tilted closely towards each other.
The main building was thankfully located next to the Behavioral Sciences building so I didn't have far to go. Stopping outside his door, I rapped on the glass of my father's office and hearing him softly whistle a tune before answering. He was in a chipper mood today.
"Please, come in." He answered
"So, looks like someone is stuck in their happy place." I chided.
"Indeed I am. It's certainly been a pretty good day so far. How can I help you today Dr. Cullen?" It was my father's decision to address me professionally between the hours of 8am and 6pm during work days.
"Well, Dr. Cullen, I just stopped by to inform you that I have selected a recipient for the Cullen Neuropsychology Fellowship." I tried not to act like a smart ass when I emphasized his name, which wasn't as successful as I would have liked.
A smile flashed on his face before answering me, "That certainly was fast, and I am rather happy about that too, we could probably be able to announce the decision in the departmental newsletter before the end of the year now. And who is our lucky new member to our team?" Although it was technically my research team, I allowed my father to claim he was a member of it.
"A Ms. Isabella Swan, graduate Summa Cum Laude from the University of Washington with duel Bachelor degrees in Psychology and Neuroscience. Accolades for academics spanning from high school and completely through her university career. At least 15 letters of recommendations from respected professionals in the field, over 2 years of onsite experience and her writing is worthy of journal publication." I had no idea why I gushed about Ms. Swan when all I knew about her was all on paper that was being held captive in my briefcase.
"I brought the papers to finalize her selection and for you to sign the letter of congratulations for her packet on the position." My father just nodded.
"Thank you Dr. Cullen, I'm sure Isabella will be an asset to our team here in Chicago. I will get the paperwork filed today with the rest of the board members, I'll then notify Mrs. Alistair to type a short blurb in the departmental newsletter and I will see you tomorrow for dinner, 6pm sharp." He winked. I turned on my heal and exited his office.
Sometimes my father knew exactly how to piss me off, and at any other time I would be. But at the moment I didn't feel any anger toward him. I was actually feeling better than I had in a long while. Some stress relieved from me and I didn't have the feeling of the world closing in since I woke up. I hope that was a good sign and it would stay that way, for at least a while anyways.
The day went by uneventful, but in a good way. My developmental course went by fairly quickly with some students still handing in their midterm essays periodically throughout the course of the day. I was very lenient with my bachelor's students.
I met with a few of my Master's students I was mentoring to discuss their thesis and then checked the results of some EEG results my lab team sent me after their 4pm scheduled experiment from the participant pool.
By the time 6pm came about I checked my calendar and saw that I was indeed free for dinner tomorrow with my family. I called my mother as I was walking to my car while she chirped her excitement to seeing me soon. I wished her my love and promised to bring her some flowers. She of course told me that was unnecessary, but very thoughtful. I said goodnight and slipped my phone into my pocket as I sped off the campus as fast as I could.
It seemed that once I had finally made a decision on the bloody fellowship, my chaos of a life was starting to organize itself all on its own. Hopefully that would hold true with the arrival of Isabella Swan.