Chapter 3: Fallout

Elizabeth made it through their first few days and nights back in operations after General O'Neill's departure having minimal contact with John, a circumstance she thought she could more than live with. What she had told Jack was true; she did need some time to come to terms with all the recent developments. How much time she couldn't say, but for now, as far as she was concerned, the less she saw of John Sheppard, the better.

His team had departed on one standard recon mission which – to the surprise of all involved – had gone smoothly and without any incident whatsoever. Friendly natives, in fact, a negotiation team was there now to establish trade relations. Long range sensors and offworld intel revealed no Wraith or Replicator activity whatsoever in the general area of Atlantis or its allies. Things were calm. Extremely calm. However, this also meant that, lucky for Elizabeth, she had hardly any need to consult with her military commander – which, in turn, only made her realize how often they had "found" such an occasion in quiet times in the past. In her office over coffee and – sometimes – a game of chess, in the mess hall for lunch or on their balcony. She still went out there at dusk, just like she had every day in the past two and a half years, to unwind and think things over. But since their trip to earth, he had yet to join her.

John had made things easy for her, really, much easier than she had expected. Her early fear that he would seek another confrontation seemed to have proven incorrect. He hadn't approached her yet and if she knew him at all, that meant he'd either given up on or never harboured the idea in the first place. John was a man of action, quick thinking and acting impulsively; he didn't need three days to plan an argument. If anything, he was even more distant to her than on that first day after their confrontation. When they met by chance or for some work-related matter, he was militarily formal, said and stayed in her presence as little as possible. She had also noted that he didn't call her by her first name anymore, but always Dr Weir or worse, the dreaded "Ma'am". All in all, he acted like she had asked of him, the poster child for a military commander and co-worker – and that was worrying in and of itself.

The truth was, despite her words and efforts to convince herself of the opposite, she missed him. Missed the crooked smile, the inane comments and friendly banter, which had eased the tension of their environment so much. While her iron discipline didn't allow her to think about all the other aspects of him that she had discovered on earth (Like how soft his lips really are, the way his hands feel tangled in your hair, the soft scratch of his stubble on your skin? - her subconscious helpfully provided, only to be shushed down again for the umpteenth time that day) no, even while she didn't permit herself to remember all that, she still missed her friend. Because one thing was crystal clear to her: the John Sheppard now on Atlantis was no longer her friend, merely her co-worker. Every time she saw him, her heart lurched at that thought and it was slowly beginning to grind her down.

She didn't think he'd be able to keep up that behaviour forever. Sooner or later he was going to crack. She just hoped that when the blow came, it would be swift and clean, not too devastating and most of all: in private.

She just hoped.

The blow came three days later.

It was quiet, just like the past few days had been. The most exiting event had been a small explosion in Zelenka's lab (no one got hurt) and she amused herself with the counting of McKay's emails about the importance of having more than one ZPM. She smiled when her computer beeped again, mentally readjusting today's number to "eight", when she saw that this one was, indeed, not from McKay at all. The subject line read "Strange development". With a frown, Elizabeth clicked it open.

Elizabeth,

Lt. Col. Sheppard came to me today with a most surprising request, by which I must say I am more than a little distressed.

Why is it that you chose not to tell me that he asked to be reassigned away from the Atlantis expedition? Apart from the fact that I have come to respect the man immensely and would regret to lose him, you know very well that I should have a say in the choice of the new military commander for this base.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not vying for a job that isn't even vacant yet (again), but I will tell you that I do not appreciate being kept out of the loop like this. I thought we were past such rivalries.

That said, we definitely should set up a meeting to discuss this new development. And did he bother to elaborate on his reasons? He wouldn't say a thing to me.

Col. S. Caldwell

It actually took her a few moments to realize what she had just read.

Lt. Col. Sheppard… a transfer away from the Atlantis expedition… new military commander.

It seemed too surreal to believe. John actually wanted to leave? But it could not be because of… could it? Elizabeth felt her face go numb. No, there had to be another reason. Had to be. But then why had he gone to Caldwell with this and not to her? Didn't he even have the guts to face her, to tell her in person?

And what was he thinking, abandoning her, abandoning the expedition like that? So things didn't go as planned, a woman dares to say no to Lt. Col. Kirk and he just packs up and runs?

That rotten bastard! How dare he?

Her hand had almost reached her ear-piece, when she thought better of it. No, she wouldn't let him off that easily. This was something she was going to do face to face.

Without looking or indeed noticing anyone around her, she stormed right out of her office and through the control room, towards the nearest transporter. She was sure the colour of her face matched that of her shirt and she made a less than dignified appearance, but for once in her life she didn't care. Who cared what people thought? Now, it was time John Sheppard faced the damn music!

John Sheppard, who suddenly stood right in front of her when the transporter doors opened. The sudden sight of him triggered an instinctual response in Elizabeth. Without thinking, hesitating or even considering their whereabouts, she started screaming at him.

"You rat bastard! What the hell were you thinking?!"

The gateroom had never been so silent. Chuck was just gaping in their direction. Rodney and Zelenka, who had been working on the sensor relay, stopped dead in their tracks, Radek's glasses slightly askew. A few female technicians, who'd been happily chatting away earlier, only looked away from them occasionally to exchange meaningful glances.

Elizabeth didn't care.

To his credit, John didn't even try to feign ignorance, but he didn't look the slightest bit uneasy, either. Obviously, he had expected some kind of extreme reaction. "I take it you heard."

"Damn right I did."

"It was only the next logical step."

"And since when is logic your field of expertise? How about talking to me first before going to Caldwell over my head?!" her voice was so shrill it almost broke. Maybe it was that which made John take a quick glance around and suggest. "Dr Weir, maybe we should discuss this someplace else?"

It was the formality of his address that made her snap all over again. Her voice became calmer, but cold as ice – the voice she usually reserved for the Genii and the IOA. "No, as a matter of fact I'm quite comfortable here Colonel! What is it, don't you have the cojones to face me about this? If that's the case, maybe you should get your sorry ass re-assed, because I don't even want a whimp like that as my military commander!"

Point to Weir – John actually winced and his voice lost some of his casualness. "Well, we're not quite there yet." She could see his eyes darken with rage. "And to answer your earlier question: I did try to talk to you, remember?"

"Oh really? And you're sure I was there at the time?" she all but mocked him.

His eyes were only narrow slits when he spat his response: "Oh most definitely, as I don't make a habit of going to your quarters alone."

Whatever she had been about to say was lost to her now. Her jaw dropped and she just stared at him incredulously. "My… you're seriously telling me that is what this is about? And here I refused to believe you were that immature."

Now it was his turn to shout. "Immature, my ass! I just don't see how I can be working here any longer, so, as I said, I took the next logical step. I applied for a transfer." He snorted. "It really shouldn't come as much of a surprise to you. As a matter of fact I thought you'd be…" He gestured while looking for the right word. "…relieved!"

"Relieved? I can't believe you'd even consider yourself replaceable."

"Oh please, there's two dozen colonels with more qualifications than I have out there, practically drooling after the job."

"That's not true and you know it, Colonel! But even if it were, it's your damn job! You're cut out for it, you're good at it! This job IS you, for crying out loud! Two weeks ago you were pining away for this place as much as I was!"

Wrong thing to say, apparently. John launched forward until he was only inches away from her, pointing warningly.

"Don't you dare talk to me about two weeks ago! According to you, you weren't even there! And even if you had been, you seem to have gotten over it pretty damn fast! Excuse me if I don't want to bear witness to that."

And with that, John managed a rare feat: to render Dr Elizabeth Weir speechless. She just stood there, staring at him open-mouthed and utterly confused. What the hell was he talking about? He couldn't actually believe that what had happened between them left her cold, could he? She didn't know what to say.

Rodney watched the scene unfold with a mixture of amusement (hey, a full blown scandal after being back in operations for only three days, that's gotta be a record!), terror (Sheppard leaving? The man must be kidding!), guilt (How could something have gone so terribly wrong between his friends without him noticing it?) and actual annoyance. Apparently the leadership of this expedition had happily left professionalism back on earth. Great.

But when the yelling suddenly stopped and he saw the two of them stare each other down, Elizabeth's hand rising slowly as if to reach out for him, a shiver ran down his spine. Rodney McKay was not a sensitive man by any stretch of the imagination, but even he knew that he was witnessing an incredibly intimate situation. And he knew that, if he allowed this to continue, mere humiliation would probably be the least of their concerns when this was over. So he made a quick decision, there really was only one thing to do.

"OI!!"

By now, both of them had in the heat of their argument apparently become completely oblivious to the fact that there were other people in the room with them. So when they heard McKay's loud holler, they turned to him simultaneously and with equally shocked faces.

"As entertaining as this is – and believe me, I would love to see where you're going with it – I think it would be best if you continued this conversation someplace where it's not witnessed by half the city?"

A short silence fell and Rodney could practically feel the murderous thoughts of his co-workers for spoiling their entertainment. John actually blinked a few times before he answered "Right." and looked back at Elizabeth. She was already glaring at him again, hissing "Balcony, now." Spoke it and stomped past him.

Rodney watched John follow her rather meekly, a testament, he thought, for his state of shock about how this situation had escalated. No sooner had the door slid closed behind them than every eye in the room turned to him.

"Oh what?" he called, annoyed. "Somebody had to do it. It's not like y'all aren't gonna hear everything through the grapevine by nightfall anyway. Now back to work, there's nothing more to see!"

A round of murmurs went around the room as people slowly picked up where they left off. Rodney turned back to Zelenka and murmured, only loud enough so he could hear "It's just to damn bad those doors are soundproof."

When the doors closed behind him, John could see Elizabeth stand close to the railing, her face buried in her hands. For a short moment, he almost felt sorry for her; then he remembered - and didn't.

"Don't worry too much about it," he said, his voice dripping with cold sarcasm. "As soon as I'm gone, things are gonna be good again. The talk will die down eventually."

She looked at him, her eyes ablaze, but her voice only shook slightly. "Why? Why are you leaving? Honestly."

John was aghast. "Honestly? Are you kidding? You don't seriously have to ask?!"

"I do. Obviously I am missing something vital, something I have done to upset you, that…"

"Damn right you have done something to fucking upset me!" he yelled, "How about the fact that you made me feel used and cheap and stupid? You women don't have the exclusive rights to those feelings!"

She felt like he had slapped her right across the face. "I did what?"

"You used me, Lizzie!" He could have kicked himself for using the nickname. "And that would even have been sort of okay, the situation being what it was, but that you could walk away from it so cold-heartedly, so…"

"Cold-heartedly? You have no idea how hard it was for me to say what I had to say that night. But it was for the best and once you calm down, you'll know that as well as I do."

"I don't want to calm down. The way I see it, you've proven to me how little respect you have for me…"

"I have the highest respect for you."

"Professionally, maybe. But as a person, I'm no more than the guy who happens to be there. Here in Atlantis, I'm the only one who understands your position, back home, I was a handy body to warm the bed. And frankly, that's not enough for me Dr Weir."

She stared at him, incredulously. He actually believed that, she could tell. He actually cared. How could she have been so wrong about him? "Don't call me that all the time." She whispered helplessly, since she knew not what else to say.

"You're quite particular about the name thing, aren't ya?" His eyes gleamed evilly and he practically leered. "What do you get him to call you?"

Elizabeth blinked and looked at him. "Who?"

He snorted. "Oh come on, don't insult my intelligence! I saw you guys together, you know. Too wrapped up in each other to notice me, but maybe the old man's reflexes are just slowing down, who knows."

She frowned, but then the realization hit. "Are you talking about General O'Neill?"

The famous lopsided grin was back. Elizabeth had never known it could look so cruel. "Oh, there were others in the meantime, were there? You sure are a busy woman, Dr Weir."

"Now you're hitting below the belt, John."

"I only give as good as I get."

Okay, that was it. Elizabeth had a high threshold for bullshit (came with the job) but now he'd crossed a line. "Oh please! That's really rich, coming from you! What does McKay like to call you again? Kirk?"

"Oh right, you know you're out of arguments when you're counting on McKay for emotional assessment!"

She had crossed the balcony so fast he could have sworn there were Asgard involved. All of the sudden she was right in his face, the anger radiating from her enough to elicit a tiny shiver of anxiety down his spine. A furious Elizabeth Weir was truly an awesome sight to behold.

"Not that it's any of your business, but General O'Neill spend a nice evening together, one to which, if I remember correctly, you were invited and declined. Think of me what you will, but I won't have you go about and spread ridiculous rumours!"

He smirked again, though he felt a lot less confident now than only moments ago. If she said it like that… but still, he'd seen what he'd seen. "Touchy, are we? We wouldn't want our authority undermined after all by fraternizing with the boss. Wasn't that one of the reasons you gave for breaking up with me?"

She laughed bitterly. "How the heck could I break up with you, John! We didn't even have a relationship in the first place!"

"Oh, we didn't? Well, call me old fashioned, but I call having sex every night for four weeks and practically living with each other a relationship."

"You do, do you?" She put her hands on her hips and looked him squarely in the eyes. "If we were in a relationship then, why did we never talk about it? Why did we never go out, or tell anyone? Why on earth did we drive to dinner with our best friends in separate cars, didn't hold hands once that night, or kiss? And how come you didn't tell Rodney, when he called you worrying about me, that your girlfriend had been fine that morning when you left her after an hour-long wake-up session?" She paused and watched as his face fell. "That's not a relationship to me, John, that's friendship with benefits."

He winced at the coldness in her voice as well as her words, and she was a little taken aback herself. Where this little speech had come from all of the sudden she wasn't sure, but she realized now that every word of it was true, as well as her apparent anger about it. He had never even attempted to show any sign that there was more than sex to their "thing" and that had hurt her. "And you have the nerve to accuse me of using you? You know what John? Go to hell!"

She turned around again and walked back to the railing, looking out at the vast ocean, trying to regain some composure. When she heard him speak again several long minutes later, his voice was soft and right behind her.

"What about O'Neill?"

Another bitter laugh. "God, John, I consider him a good friend! Believe it or not, we have quite a bit in common - I used to be his boss, now he's mine, makes for a rather unique perspective on each other. Besides, if you have to know, we practically spent the whole evening talking about you. He knows, you know. Not about what happened, but what it feels like." She hesitated a moment before she added. "And even if I wanted to, I'd be too afraid of how Colonel Carter could hurt me if I did anything."

He did a double take. "Carter?! Are you serious?"

"She's the reason he left the SGC. Frat regs. They're keeping it quiet though, to avoid the rumours."

"Holy… Rodney would have a stroke…"

"Which is exactly why you won't be telling him, or anyone else for that matter." She sighed and looked down at her hands. "I hope I can still trust you with that."

At that he gripped her shoulder and turned her around to face him. "You can always trust me, Elizabeth. Nothing you or I will ever say or do can change that." His gaze was intense as their eyes locked, and Elizabeth felt a familiar stirring in her belly. He is too close, a voice screamed in her head, but for once, she refused to listen. They stared at each other for a few long moments, before he let his hand trail slowly down her arm. Elizabeth shivered.

"So I guess I made a huge fool of myself, there, didn't I?"

"I suppose. No more than me, though." They both smiled hesitantly. "I guess we should work at this communication thing."

"We should." he agreed, nodding. "Which leaves the question: what are we going to do now? About us, I mean."

Her face hardened again. "I honestly don't know."

"Lizzie, I…" He cleared his throat. "I'm not very good at this… this feelings and relationship thing. Hell, I've ruined more relationships than I care to count, even my marriage, but… when I showed up at your place, I was really willing to give it another go. I thought, if she'll have me, I will try so hard to make this work…"

"You never said anything." She whispered.

"Neither did you."

"I never cared about your track record, John, and back there we didn't need to say things. We had all the time in the world…"

"So what's changed?"

She gave an exasperated sigh. "You don get it, do you? You have the ability to break me, John. And while that is a risk I might have taken back on Earth, I can't afford it here in Atlantis, where so many people depend on me. If you decide to run off with the next alien priestess, the leader of Atlantis will be in pieces! You said it yourself, relationships aren't your thing, so how can I burden you, or anything that might be between us, with that kind of pressure?"

John closed his eyes and took a few deep, measured breaths. He couldn't believe it. Not only that she thought and worried too damn much, she actually managed to take his weakness and turn it into her own fault. If it was at all possible, he had just fallen in love with her a little more.

So he acted on impulse. Before his rational mind could stop him, he took Elizabeth's face in both hands and a moment later, felt her warm, soft lips on his as he kissed her.

TBC