My Beta's MadelineJade and Vicky are incredible and this story wouldn't be what it is without them 3
This chapter shows a deeper insight into Edward's past. Also you can now read this story on Twilighted!
words in italics are meant to be Edward thinking, italic and bolded are lyrics he is writing in his head.
Warning - Lemon Alert
All Characters Belong To Stephenie Meyer.
EPOV
Once we were out the front door I immediately removed Tanya's arm from my own, the last thing I needed to do was give her the wrong impression which is exactly what I wanted to give Bella. When Alice tried to pull one on me I decided that now was as good a time as any to put my plan to get Bella to hate me into action.
All through brunch I fought strange urges to hold her hand and tuck her hair behind her ear, which made me want to get away from her even faster. When the waitress made a few suggestive comments I chose to flirt right back. I felt guilty for the way Bella looked as she watched me shamelessly flirt with our waitress. Surely she knew that she was far more beautiful than any women sitting in the restaurant but I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't let her fall for me.
Running into Tanya was the last thing I expected, the sight of her made me want to grab Bella and run in the other direction. I didn't want to face her; I didn't want to feel the guilt again.
When she asked me to dinner I saw a golden opportunity. Tanya deserved a better explanation as to why things turned out the way they did, and I could use it to my advantage to make Bella angry. I didn't see her face when we left but I could feel her eyes burning a hole into the back of my head.
Tanya and I walked to Silver Spurs; it was a small diner that was sort of Cowboy themed. It wasn't a place I'd ever picture Tanya going, but the food was good and we had come here many mornings after my gigs.
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked as we sat down at a table.
"I want you to tell me why you couldn't love me." She said nonchalantly.
I was bewildered by her candidness; surely she couldn't expect me to lay out twenty-three years of my life out on the table. I had never told anyone about that fateful day that shut me down seven years earlier.
"Please Edward, it's the least you could do." She leaned over and put her hand over mine, the look in her eyes broke my resolve just like it had done the morning I decided to try for her. She was right. I had broken her heart, and I could at least tell her why.
"Okay." I nodded before pulling my hand away from hers; I slouched in my chair and took a deep breath.
"When I was about fifteen, I walked in on my parents having a conversation about me..." I took a sip of my water to clear my throat before continuing. "Apparently my mother had an affair before I was born. Carlisle was working long hours at the hospital, leaving her to take care of Emmett on her own most of the time. I guess she met someone and they began sleeping together..."
I shut my eyes and took another deep breath before continuing.
"Then she got pregnant with me. Esme told Carlisle about the affair and they worked through things in therapy from what I gather. The point is that there is a chance that the man whom she had an affair with could be my father; Carlisle didn't want a paternity test taken because he said he'd rather not know if I wasn't his. Not that you would think that from the way they both treated me. I know my parents love me, but I also know that they resent me. Every time they look at me they are forced to think back to a bad time in their marriage. Alice and Emmett got more attention when we were younger because they were made out of love; they were wanted. I'm just the poor bastard son who doesn't know who his daddy is." I opened my eyes and was a little surprised to see Tanya looking at me with a slightly angered expression.
"What does that have to do with your inability to love me?" she huffed.
"Because I can't fucking love anyone if I can't trust anyone!" I shouted. A few people turned their heads to look at me.
I lowered my voice before speaking again " Before I left for the city I told my parents of my plans to play music. My mother fucking cried saying I was throwing my life away and my father said that no son of his was going to be some hippy musician in New York City. Then he laughed and said it was a good thing I probably wasn't his son. Ever since that day, I haven't bothered to try to connect with anyone. I've been so fucking numb ever since. I tried to love you Tanya, I really did. You're an incredible woman, but I can't love you the way you want me to. I care for you very much, as much as I can care for anyone at this point."
"But you feel something for Rosalie's cousin," she stated as if it were mere fact.
"I don't know what the fuck I feel for Bella," I said as I put my head in my hands. It's amazing how comfortable I was in my life before Bella came around. I thought I was content being alone, accepting that the only thing I could love was my music. It had been less than twenty-four hours since Bella had arrived in New York and she had effectively turned my life upside down.
"You are going to fall for her. Hard," Tanya said with a sigh.
"How do you even know that?" I asked frustrated with her assumptions.
"I have never seen you look more alive than you looked when you were standing next to her. I'm sure she thinks you hate her with the way you were glaring at her, but I know better...you feel something for her. I'm not sure if you have realized this already or not. But I know that you will fall for her if you haven't already." I just stared at her for what felt like an immeasurable amount of time before I finally spoke.
"I can't drag her into my mess. I don't even know how to love someone. I can't hurt her." That was as much truth as I could afford myself. To admit that I knew I could love Bella. I could love her with everything I had, but it would never make me good enough for her. I could never be enough, so I refused to allow myself the pleasure of keeping her close.
"Geez, Edward, do you have to be so melodramatic all the time?" She asked as she took a bite of her salad. Through our talk I hadn't realized that the food had arrived. I opted to just have a coffee since it hadn't been that long since I had eaten brunch with Bella.
"You more than anyone should understand how easily it is for me to hurt someone." I immediately felt guilty for bringing up our past.
"I was more hurt that you could dismiss me so easily. You were like a puzzle to me, and I was upset that I couldn't put you back together. I'm over it now. More than anything I miss your friendship."
"I'm so very sorry, Tanya," I sighed heavily before taking a sip of my coffee.
"If there is anything I can do to help out with this Bella situation, you let me know," she offered, and immediately a thought popped into my head. I knew how to keep Bella away from me without actually having to try so hard.
"You could pretend to be my girlfriend to keep her away," I blurted out. She was shocked at first, but I could tell she was thinking it over before she spoke again.
"That is totally unfair to ask of me and you know it. I don't even know why you won't give it a shot with her, but if this is what you need then fine," she sighed with a defeated expression upon her face.
"Thank you. I have a gig tonight. You're more than welcome to come along." The sooner we could get this show on the road the better.
"Fine, I already heard you're playing at Sweet Up's again so I'll be there at 9:00," she said as she rose from the table. "Lunch is on you," she stated as she left me sitting there.
I pulled the notebook from my back pocket and placed it on the table along with the pen behind my ear. It was only a few hours before my show and I had yet to fill my one song a day quota.
Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I divide and fall apart?
'Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates, does Thomas ask to see my hands
I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign?
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you're coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine
I closed my notebook and took the last sip of my coffee before placing a $20 bill on the table.
I spent the entire train ride home flipping through my notebook, trying to decide what songs to play tonight. I wanted to play something that I had written about Bella. Although I could never tell her how her I felt, I could at least sing it to her and hope that she didn't realize who I was singing about.
I spent the rest of my afternoon jotting down verses, choruses and anything that came into my head. By the time I closed my notebook I realized that it was dark outside; the lights on the bridge were already lit up. I still had a few hours before it was time to arrive at the bar, I decided to walk there tonight. It was only a few blocks distance and would only take me about an hour.
My phone buzzed in my back pocket alerting me to a new text message. To my surprise, I had received a few while I was writing. I always had my phone on silent as to not distract myself.
Way to strand Bella, Doucheward. I am going to kick your ass. – Rosalie
Mom raised you better than to leave a poor girl new to the city alone to fend for herself. Shame on you. – Alice
Bro, watch out tonight cause Rosie is pissssssed! see ya later - Emmett
The last text message was the one that surprised me the most
Rain check? - Bella
Rosalie must have put my number in Bella's phone. I shouldn't have been so happy knowing she wanted to see me again even after I blew her off. She must be a glutton for punishment. I hit the reply button and typed the words I so badly wanted to say to her
I could love you
I sat there staring at the phone in my hand for a good 10 minutes before I deleted the words. I could never utter them to her. I never even knew I had a heart that could be broken until she came along, but now it could never be whole because without her I would never be whole.
Things were better this way.
I kept repeating the phrase in my head over and over as I walked to the bar. When I arrived there I noticed Tanya standing outside, chatting with Garrett.
"Hey, Tanya...Garrett," I greeted when I approached the front door.
"You owe me a pack of cigarettes and Kate's phone number for letting your friends in tonight. You know I like helping you out but if word gets out then I could get in a shit load of trouble," he whispered to me while glancing around to make sure no one was listening.
"Yeah man. Sorry about that," I offered "I will warn them to keep their numbers low."
"Sorry, buddy, I just value my job," he said as he opened the door, motioning for Tanya and me to enter.
As we walked into the bar she grabbed my hand and laced our fingers. I looked down at our interlocked hands questioningly before I followed her gaze to the back of the bar. The whole gang including Bella was seated in the back watching Tanya and me. The look in Bella's eyes killed me. I wanted nothing more than to drop Tanya's hand and go over to kiss Bella, tell her that I loved her and no girl has or ever will make me feel anything let alone the immeasurable amount of emotion I felt for her.
It was then that I noticed there was an extra person added to the group. I immediately recognized the person as Angela, the talent manager for the bar. Taking a deep breath we approached the group with our hands still locked.
"Hey everyone," I greeted with a nod.
"What are you doing here, Tanya?" Rosalie asked as she made no secret of her distaste for Tanya.
"Edward and I are back together," Tanya replied as she held up our joined hands as if that were some tangible proof of our relationship.
There were a few mumbled replies but I didn't bother to listen hard enough to hear what was said, my eyes were on Bella. Her eyes were glazed over and her fists were clenched at her sides. It took everything in me to keep up our little charade.
This is for her benefit. I thought over and over again.
"I should go get ready," I said as I let go of Tanya's hand and made my way onto the stage. After I did my sound check I introduced myself quickly before playing the song I had written earlier.
When the last note rang out I took a deep breath, I just had to get through the next few songs and I could rid these feelings for Bella.
"These next few songs are new and they mean a lot to me." I said into the microphone; let everyone interpret that in their own way. I would not be explaining those feelings tonight, or ever.
"This one's called In Transit (For You)."
I began to strum the chords with my eyes cast down on my guitar; I couldn't stand to look at Bella. I took a deep breath and fixed my gaze above the heads of the audience members before I began to sing.
Dream baby for me
I'll be waiting here for you
Pack your things, fly to me
Scatter me across the sky
I'll shine all night
And just like a star
I'll fall for you
Baby if you want me to
I'd do anything for you
Just say the words and I'd give you the world
Yeah, but that's not good enough
Starlit sea will be our dance floor
And birds will sing our song
And your scars, your scars will heal
For You
Baby if you want me to
I'd do anything for you
And just say the words, and I'd give you the world
Yeah, but that's not good enough
And Baby if you wanted me to, why not say so
Let me go 'cause I can't shine bright enough for you
I shine for you
I fall
Dream baby for me
I'll be waiting here for you
Silence had fallen upon the bar, all eyes fixed upon me. My ears were ringing and my heart pounding.
Just get through the next song
I thought to myself.
"This is called A Dream For Us," I said as I chanced a glance at Bella, she was staring right at me with her beautiful big brown eyes filled with sadness. I looked away as quickly as I could and jumped right into the song.
'Cause what I feel inside
I don't want to hide
It's you that got to me
It's what I want to sing
'Cause I've got a dream for us
Running through my mind
Sitting on the beach
Looking at the sea
And we're old and tired
And time has made us smile
As we go on counting things
People in the breeze
We're not the only ones
There's hundreds on the shore
Looking at the sea
But it's just you and me
If the day never comes
I sink beneath the tide
Will you still be with me?
Or disappear?
When the last note rang out I set my guitar down and exited the bar through the side door next to the stage. When I had stopped playing it felt like the walls were closing in on me and oxygen was being sucked out of my lungs. I needed to escape. Once outside I rested my back against the cool brick wall and pulled out a cigarette from my back pocket. Once it was lit I allowed myself to slide down the wall and sit on the concrete with my back resting upon it.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way.
I must have been lost in my humming because I didn't hear someone join me until I felt her presence next to me. I could immediately tell it was her by her smell, freesias with a hint of strawberries that became more potent when the wind blew through her hair. I fleetingly wished we could have a happily ever after, that she'd know how deeply she touched my heart and we'd walk into the sunset hand in hand. But that's not how this would end.
"Mind if I join you?" she asked as she pulled out a pack of Parliaments from her pocket. We even smoked the same fucking cigarettes.
"Free country," I replied coldly.
She half smiled and lit the cigarette, I hated that she smoked. It was a dirty disgusting habit and someone as beautiful as her should always stay pure and perfect.
"Your girlfriend seems nice. She's very beautiful," she said as she took a pull.
She pales in comparison to you.
"Tanya is great," I replied feigning enthusiasm. Fuck my bright ideas and me. I never realized until now that I had to keep Tanya around in order to save face.
"What about you? Are you dating anyone?" I asked as I prayed she was single. Yes, I was a fucking hypocrite.
"I just got out of a long term relationship," she replied with a distant look in her eyes, her mouth turned down into a frown.
"What happened?" I'd kill any motherfucker that hurt her.
You're planning to hurt her douche bag. You planning on killing yourself?
"He put me down any chance he got and ruined my fucking self esteem. I walked in on him cheating on me. He said it was my fault because I wouldn't suck his dick." She let out a sarcastic laugh as she shook her head from side to side while taking a pull from her half done cigarette. The words coming out of her mouth shocked me. I never expected her to be an angel, but I also never expected her to talk like Rosalie.
She was going to be the death of me.
"You are incredibly beautiful and you should never let anyone make you feel as if you are any less," I replied as I placed a kiss on her cheek. My breath caught as my lips made contact with her skin. It was so soft and I could smell the strawberries in her hair much more than before, I stood up as soon as I pulled away.
"I should go inside," I said quickly as I offered her my hand. She hoisted herself up and we stood there just staring into each other eyes. I felt as if I were trying to convey my feelings for her, to let her know everything. That I could love her fiercely, but I would end up hurting her and taking that chance was not a possibility. She made me feel, and I would forever be grateful.
"There you are, baby. Lets go home," Tanya said as she squeezed herself in the space between Bella and me, burying her face in my chest as she wrapped her arms around me. I felt her hand slip into my front pocket and graze my dick. She leaned up and nibbled on my ear before whispering loud enough for Bella to hear, "I want to fuck the shit out of you tonight."
It took everything in me to not shove Tanya away. She was drunk as fuck, but she was trying to do me a favor. I grimaced at her words and Bella let out a small laugh. I mouthed the words "I'm sorry" before I picked Tanya up and threw her over my shoulder. She was wearing 5 inch fuck me heels and the last thing I needed to do was spend the night in the ER with her while she complained about fucking up her nose job.
As soon as we made it into my apartment I carried her to my bed, laying her down softly. I knew that I would probably be staying up all night in my writing chair, analyzing every way Bella looked at me and all the things she said.
She's turned you into such a pussy, dude and you barely know her.
As I laid Tanya down my cheek grazed hers and she whispered my name before pulling me down on top of her. Suddenly her lips met mine and I couldn't stop myself, our tongues fought for dominance and I let her take over. I rolled over onto my back and she followed, straddling my waist as our lips connected again.
You're so fucking worthless. You don't deserve Bella.
Her face flashed in front of my eyes and suddenly I felt as if I were kissing her. When I opened my eyes I replaced Tanya's blue eyes and blonde hair for brown ones. When she sat up to unbuckle my belt I didn't refuse her, instead I sat up and let her take control. I needed to get Bella out of my fucking head. She was never going to be mine and it was time to accept that and move on with my miserable life.
I placed my hands on the hem of her shirt and pulled it off, tossing it to the floor. I sat up and pulled the cups of her bra down, latching my mouth to her right nipple.
"Fuck, Edward," she moaned as I pinched and rolled the other with my thumb and index finger, all the while my mouth licking and sucking the opposite one. My mouth lost contact with her breast as she pulled my shirt over my head; I took the opportunity to push my jeans off along with my boxers.
For the first time in my life, I was naked in front of a girl. I was too fucking numb to even care. If I was going to be miserable then I might as well give Tanya what she wanted. It was the least I could do. I must have been lost in thought because I hadn't notice Tanya making her way down my body until I felt her lick the head of my dick.
"I can't, I can't, I can't," I chanted before she pressed her index finger to my lips.
"Just pretend I'm Bella," she whispered, before I could protest she took me into her mouth.
"Fuck," I groaned against my will. Her tongue swirled around the tip and physically it felt so fucking good but my ears were ringing, my head was pounding and I felt so fucking sick to my stomach. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and let the images of Bella flood my mind. When I opened my eyes I saw her, her chocolate hair cascading across my thigh as she deep throated me, her beautiful brown eyes looking up at me as she moaned around me.
"Bella," I moaned.
She had lowered her mouth onto my dick, sucking as she bobbed her head up and down. My hips were bucking involuntarily and when her hand moved down to fondle my balls, I knew I wouldn't last long. My first blowjob and I was going to blow my load within the first three minutes.
"Bella," I moaned again as I began bucking my hips up into her mouth.
"I want you so bad. I need you. You feel so fucking good." I yelled as I came, spilling into her mouth. She let me go with a 'pop' and that is when it hit me.
I let Tanya suck my dick, Tanya. Not Bella. Not my girl.
I knew that I would never have her, but the pain was unbearable. I was completely unaware of the world around me as I stared up at the ceiling as if god were to appear to give me the answers, to fix all the things I have broken. I hadn't realized that I was crying until I felt Tanya dry away a tear with her thumb.
"You're crying. Un fucking believable. I can't fucking do this anymore, this is sick. Grow up, Edward." She said as she rose off of bed.
As soon as I heard the door to the apartment close I rose out of bed, grabbing my pants and pulling them on in a daze.
"You're so fucking useless. Why couldn't you at least try with Bella?" As soon as her name left my mouth, I felt the anger rise. I was angry at my mother for cheating, angry at my father for not wanting to know who I belonged to, angry at both of them for not loving me. Most of all I was angry at myself for being a fucking idiot, for not allowing myself to even try. For hurting Bella because I was scared of hurting her. Fucking oxymoron.
I let out a frustrated yell and shoved my side table lamp to the ground. "You're so fucking useless!" I yelled at myself as I repeated the action with the lamp on the other side of the bed.
"Bella. You hurt Bella." Taking my guitar I smashed it into the mirrored doors of my closet. I kept hitting it over and over again until the glass was completely shattered as well as my guitar. I slid to the ground, leaning against the wall beside the closet, not caring that the glass was cutting into my hands.
You deserve this.
I repeated to myself relentlessly, getting up from the ground after being silent for sometime, dragging myself to the bed.
"You are the smell before the rain, you are the blood in my veins," I sang as I lay down on top of the sheets. I could feel the blood on my hands but I couldn't feel the pain.
Songs for this chapter:
Jesus Christ - Brand New
In Transit (for you) - Matchbook Romance
A Dream For Us - Appleseed Cast
The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New
I have had a major writers block and can not bring myself to start chapter 10, reviews might motivate me!