Sarcastic

"Well, Sleeping Beauty, you look so pretty on that couch it's all I can do to keep from kissing your feminine lips," Misty said, quite sarcastically. The author is going to break this lovely fourth wall, just for a moment, to inform the readers that she would appreciate it if they used their intelligence for just a bit. This is the chapter on sarcasm, and since Misty is going through the changes and she has already pointed out her sarcastic nature, she would appreciate it if you could take it in stride that everything Misty says this time around is sarcastic, unless noted otherwise.

Ash blinked his eyes open, and found Misty bending over the back of the couch, peering at his face with one eyebrow raised. He glanced down at himself, slowly taking everything into consideration. He was fully clothed, which was nice, and he wasn't in his pajamas or in a bathing suit, which was fantastic. Nothing was sticking out, nothing was wet, in fact, it did honestly look like he was just laying down for an afternoon nap on the couch, except he was pretty sure he had spent the night down here instead of just a snooze.

"I think I had a really weird dream," he told her. He decided that it had to be a dream, because Misty was quite obviously back to her old self. She wasn't all creepily nice, and she did have a look in her eye that said she was looking for some competition. Although she was probably aiming for wits instead of pokémon to battle at the moment, a fight was a fight, and nice Misty didn't like fighting.

"You've always been so good at thinking."

"You were nice, in my dream. It was really weird. You didn't like to battle or anything. I wouldn't mind you being that nice, but you'd definitely have to keep battling, and you wouldn't be allowed to cry when I beat you." He settled back into the couch and flicked his eyes over to the clock hanging on the wall. It was seven. If he was traveling, he probably would have been up way before it, but he wasn't, and he was planning to sleep until night, wake up for a few hours, and then sleep again.

Usually, she would care a lot more, want to wake him up and tease him…but she didn't. She walked away, head dizzy and heart pounding. Misty felt…weird, to say the least. Her brain was pulsing, twisting and turning in on itself, questioning everything. When had she met Ash? What was her relationship with her sisters? With Mrs. Ketchum? Brock? Ash? There were answers for all of them, but they were filled with holes and gaps, plain illogical in some places. If she was always sarcastic, how could her sisters so often win the verbal spars? If she wasn't anything but sarcastic, she was nothing but mocking them. There weren't any points they could argue because she didn't make any.

Meanwhile, Dawn walked by the other way, chirping a polite "hello" to Misty as she went. She could have sworn she heard the redhead whisper something, sounding frightened and nervous and what's more genuine, but that couldn't possibly be Misty. Misty was sarcastic. Misty was strong and biting in everything. But surely…it was impossible for a person to never be sweet, never be kind, never have a moment of weakness or compassion?

"Golly gee, Uxie," Mesprit snapped. "You've done such a great job screwing with all their heads. Ash can remember freaking everything, Misty's fighting her way through, and even Dawn's trying to figure it all out! She's not even getting all that much screwed with! Why the hell would she care? Arceus must have had something else on its mind when it went and made you, because you're nowhere near Legendary level. Gees, you suck!"

Uxie straightened, looking rather peeved. "Now, listen-"

"Suck!"

"Mesprit!" Uxie demanded, shaking up the other Legendary with a strong Confusion. "You dolt! You have no idea how impossible this is! I cannot delete everything from their minds or there will be nothing to return when this ends. They would be nothing but empty shells! That, or I would have to recreate their entire lives! That is extremely time consuming and I shall not waste any moments with it! Everything is going just fine, thank you. And Ash is supposed to remember."

"We did agree on the Ash remembering part," Azelf said helpfully, except it wasn't very helpful and it only succeeding in angering Mesprit further. In fact, Mesprit was so infuriated that it teamed up with a few other Legendaries, came to the planet Earth, and robbed a few ancient peoples of their emotions who would later be known throughout history as stoics. This only took a few moments thanks to time travel and Azelf could continue, "But it would be ridiculous to deny that, well, something's going wrong. They're all pushing through."

Uxie sighed, rubbing its temples. "Understandable. Azelf, if you wouldn't mind alternating a few wills so they don't try to-"

"That probably isn't the best idea. Wills are tricky, and anything I do I always make sure it'd be okay if they were to stay that way forever. Or, you know, if I'm doing a good old fashioned smiting and that sucker becomes soulless forever. The point is that they generally end up running into things that possess and hypnotize and all that, and it'd be awfully sad if the next time that happens they've got no way to fight their way out."

Mesprit moaned. "All we're good for is smiting! We can't help anyone! Ooh, I can't believe we got mixed up in all this love stuff! Ooh! You know what I should have done? Just made them have sex. That's how you solve all this stuff. Then they could have had an illegitimate love child which would be a fantastic setting for the next Chosen One. Yeah, maybe Ash might have to die because you can't have more than one Chosen One at a time, but humans aren't really alive anyway. I mean, when you're that powerless and stupid-"

"I'm going to have to call you out on the stupid, since you can't even seem to remember the day before yesterday."

"Well I-"

"I will strengthen it a bit. Build the walls thicker, if you would. But I do not want to tamper with anything to severely, and by the time this is over they will remember everything. It cannot be too long. No more than two weeks or everything is finished. We will have to move onto Plan B at that point. Mesprit seems more than happy to do its part in the relationship. Hey, even if it all does go well you can at least participate in the making of the next Chosen One."

The creature sighed and used its psychic powers to send a rock flying a little ways, as if kicking it. "Alright. It's not the same as doing it now, and your plan can be fun for me too, right?"

"He's a sixteen year old boy," Azelf contributed. "At some point, it has to get fun for everyone."

So walls were strengthened, and although there was a tension in the air, and everyone knew on some level that something wasn't right, things continued to go as planned. Dawn prepared for contests; Brock cooked and cleaned and did some disturbing flirting with Delia; Ash trained his pokémon because, well, everyone was yelling at him to do so and there wasn't anything on TV. Misty filled the day with sarcastic remarks, and it was surprisingly late in the day when Ash finally figured out that the remark he had made last night and Misty's behavior that day were matching up perfectly.

"Pikachu, I think something weird is going on. Last night I wished Misty was sarcastic, and today she's sarcastic. I mean, two days before today I said that I wished she was nice and she was. But it's not the normal nice or sarcastic like you would expect, but the ridiculously nice and sarcastic, like someone's taking a wish way too far and trying to teach me a lesson. You know, it almost makes me wonder if this is all the work of Walt Dis-"

(Can you understand me? I mean, at all. In all these years do you really only understand the words 'Ash', 'trouble', 'Misty', 'Brock' and 'ketchup'?)

"You think that for me to get Misty out of trouble I should talk to Brock, and you should get ketchup for telling me this?" Ash grinned and rubbed her head. "You definitely deserve a treat for that, but what if whatever's doing this gets to him too? I mean, normally Brock would believe me if I told him about anything, but if he's getting messed with his head, like Misty is, then there's no way talking to him is going to help."

(I love you, Ash. Do you know how many times I have to tell myself every day that I love you so I don't kill you? It's a lot Ash. It's a freaking lot.) She nuzzled into his palm, gave it a quick lick, then rushed off to find Brock with Ash trotting along behind her. She figured that Brock wouldn't be able to help much more than she would, but she guessed that trying would be better than just sitting back and hoping for the best. If he was going to get through this he was going to need some help.

But they didn't run into Brock, because that would be much too easy for them so early on. They hardly had thirty percent of the crazy thing done! No, instead they ran into the feisty redhead who only seemed feistier today. In fact, even her outfit changed today. Perhaps it was the stronger walls, but Misty was covered pretty nicely now. Long jeans, a hoodie (with the hood pulled up) despite the fact that it was boiling outside. There was nothing to give her, appearance wise, and nothing to be returned. Symbolic, he supposed, if he could try and use symbolism.

"Nice day, huh, Misty?" Ash said, trying to be as pleasant as he could. This mostly consisted of him smiling very widely, raising his voice higher, and standing a little higher. This simply made him look creepy, and not at all pleasant.

"Yeah. It's a friggin' great day. I might go outside and pick flowers." She seemed to be looking down, her hands concealed in the front pocket of her hoodie. He wasn't sure, but her shoulders appeared to be hunched, way different from her usual tall, straight backed pasture.

"You should be nicer to me. I don't have a dad."

"Real sad, Ash. I'm crying for you." She glared at him, flipping her head fast enough that the hood fell off. "It'll be just great if you stand around here all day, looking like a complete dumbass. It's not like I have anywhere to go or anything to do. I mean, like I said before, it's said a great day that I might go outside and pick some flowers. I'll make a crown for you. Ash Ketchum, king of the stairway!" She raised her voice a lot higher now. "Oh, your majesty feel free to dawdle!"

Then calmly shoved past him on the way down the stairs. She shoved him hard too, his shoulder aching quite a bit afterward. He wasn't sure if sarcasm made you mean, or if it just happened to make you sound that way. Then again, Misty was mean to begin with and the sarcasm just made it worse. It would have been nice if Misty had kept some of that niceness from yesterday, but he guessed that it was slightly impossible to be both sarcastic and kind at the same time.

He was musing about this, his thoughts running into other impossibilities such as this statement is false, I always lie, and all Kantonians (natives of Kanto, of course) are liars for quite a while after she had gone. These statements always made his head hurt, but he couldn't help himself from thinking about them, as they were much too interesting. He was just about to discover if today really was opposite day when he ran into Brock.

"Hey, Brock. Is today opposite day?" he asked once he had picked himself up from the floor.

"Yes."

"That means it isn't opposite day."

"Then no."

"But Brock, there's no way for me to know because if today was opposite day you'd have to tell me no and if it's not opposite day then of course you'll say no! I mean, at least asking someone is a little more likely, but no one can say today is opposite day and have it be a true statement because it just doesn't work! Paradoxes really suck, Brock. I don't understand them at all. Do you want to talk about that, or would you rather just go downstairs and play some video games or…huh, I think I was supposed to talk to you about something."

Brock shrugged. "You probably forgot, but I could use some video games."

"I'll probably remember after a couple of rounds of a shooting game," Ash agreed, nodding.

Pikachu began to scream at Ash, a long string of words that would best not be repeated, as they were terrible insults and curses. The mouse could only stand so much before she cursed. Typically, these things were either already explained to Ash (very clearly so there would be no confusion…except for that prophecy thing) or very hard for everyone to guess at and then luckily stumbled upon and then explained. Since there was no one to explain and the answer was blaringly obvious, there was really nothing left to do but scream at people until they tried to figure it out.

As cynical a thought as it was…it worked.

"Oh! Oh, duh. Sorry. Right." Ash laughed nervously, rubbed the back of his neck as he so often did, then continued as seriously as he could, "Brock, I have something very weird to tell you, and you're probably not going to believe me and by this time tomorrow you won't remember anything at all about what I'm about to tell you but I think you need to know on the really, really, really, really, really slim chance you can help me out."

"You're the Chosen One, Ash. We've traveled through time and saved the world countless times, ran into ghosts and psychics and supervillians. There's nothing you could tell me that I wouldn't believe at this point."

Ash took a deep breath, speaking as slowly and precisely as he could manage without sounding that he was (as impossible as it can be to imagine a scenario when he would have to) dumbing himself down: "Depending on what I want her to be, Misty changes her entire personality every twenty four hours. I don't know why it's been happening, but this is the second day that it's happened. Each time it does, everyone's memories except mine are warped to make them think that Misty has always been whatever her new personality is. Are you still with me, or are you going to lock me up?"

"It won't matter in twenty four hours anyway, will it?"

"No. Probably not."

Brock sighed and leaned against the wall, rubbing his temples. "Ash, I can't tell you that I think you're making all this up. It wouldn't make any sense that you would, and it's not like it's out there compared to some of the other things we've run into. For heaven's sake, several people have been possessed around us. You've been possessed without knowing it. For you to know that something's wrong means it's probably pretty big."

"She was nice yesterday," Ash said. "She was really nice. She tried to figure out how not to offend the waiter when she ordered. She cleaned my room and my pillow. She got stains out form my rug! She wanted to cook and buy dirty magazines for you, Brock. I'm promising you that was what she was like yesterday. Before all that, I've seen her be sincere and jealous and nice, more than just sarcastic. Two days ago this wasn't Misty. Two days ago, Misty was really, really bitchy but nowhere near as bad as she is right now. I mean, compared to this, she was normal."

"This is really simple and that's why it's so hard for me to believe."

Ash groaned. "I know it's hard to believe but I can't give you any kind of proof! Everyone has had their mind's wiped except me, and there's no way for me to even know if it isn't really my memory that's been toyed with. I mean, everyone else seem pretty solid in their beliefs that absolutely nothing's changed."

"What stain did she get out?"

"That set in grape juice stain from forever ago," Ash mumbled. "You probably don't remember."

"By the bunk bed?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"The one I won't remember?"

"Yeah." Ash sighed, seeming very depressed, and Brock waited. There were very few times with Ash that it was better to wait for him to figure something out than to just explain it to him, as it typically took an awful long time for him to figure it out. This was probably half because Ash never really thought about what he said and he never really remembered what he said. Still, it was expected that he would sooner or later he would figure it out, and there were few moments when seeing the expression on his face would be worth the five to twenty minutes it would take for him to figure something out.

His eyes lit up and, as he was already standing and he couldn't jump to his feet, gave a little joyful jump as he shouted, "Brock! You remember the stain! I can just show it to you and prove it and then we'll know that my story has some basis! Unless…unless it's still there because they fixed that too or it turns out that I'm just crazy."

Brock insisted that they try and off they went to Ash's room. Into the corner, right by the bed, they stood shoulder by shoulder, staring down at the spot. That little bit of grape juice, spilled thanks to Ash's nervous encounter of hormones, was gone. The feeling that he was right was great, that he wasn't crazy and that Brock could now help him figure out what to do, but that the stain was missing…how many nights had he laid awake, staring at the corner and the stain if only because he had nothing better to do? How many times had that memory come whizzing back whenever he saw it, and filled him with that warm fuzzy feeling.

"It isn't here," Ash said finally, his mouth dry. "She definitely cleaned it up yesterday. That's…there's no stain. You have to believe me now, don't you?"

He nodded slowly, looking at Ash from the corner of his eye, then slung a comforting arm around him. "Ash, I'm telling you right now that I have no idea how to stop whatever's happening right now. I don't know what's happening. This could be anything from Team Rocket to some kind of Legendary pokémon, there's no way to know. But I'm pretty sure there's a very simple solution."

"What?"

"If Misty becomes whatever you wish her to be each day, instead of wishing she was nice or sarcastic or whatever you could just wish that Misty was…well, can't you just that Misty was Misty and you wouldn't have this problem? You'd get the old Misty back and as long as you don't make anymore wishes as to what she should be she should stay the same. And, if you ever do accidentally wish her into a personality, you can just wish her back again. Easy!"

"No!" Ash shouted, stumbling away. "Why would I do that? Brock I…I could have her be anything if I figure this out. Do you get that? The Misty from before was terrible! She hit me and called me names and she never shut up! Ugh, she was so stubborn too! I mean, she was too nice yesterday, but if I pick the right personality I could make her perfect! It's better for her too, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to be perfect?"

Brock shrugged. "Maybe Misty. I can't remember, but do you know whether or not she was happy with who she was? I mean, what she thinks is perfect…shouldn't she get to decide who the perfect her is? You don't own her. She's her own person, and if she has as much…uh, spunk as you say she does, do you think that she could really hate herself, completely, I mean? She definitely has the courage to change if she wanted to."

"Well, she doesn't have to live with her," Ash argued weakly. "She…she's just…I'm the Chosen One anyway! She was always mean to me and she never did anything nice and she was never a good person! Never! Maybe this is what she deserved for always being so cruel! Maybe all this is happening to her! Have you ever thought of that? Maybe I'm supposed to help her see the error of her ways!"

Brock glared. "I don't see how that would be the case, since you're the only one who remembers anything."

He moaned and dropped to the bottom bunk, putting his head in his hands. "I don't know, Brock. I don't know. But…I can't just wish her back. I…I just can't. I'm just so angry at her, more and more every time I see her. I just wish she'd go away. She already went away, so I don't understand why she can't just go away for good! And…and it's not like that idea would work anyway. It's too simple. Nothing's ever that simple, especially when it comes to stuff like this."

"Was she really as bad as you say she was?"

"We kept trying to ditch her when we first met her, Brock. I mean, she had her moments but…she's terrible, Brock. Misty's just a really terrible person, and she's only been getting worse lately. I swear, ever since she left the group it's just been getting harder and harder to stand her."

It was at that perfectly timed moment that the hoodie clad Misty stormed past the door and raced down the stairs, obviously having heard Ash's bitter insults. The boy, moaning again, told Brock that he had to go and chased after her. She wasn't anywhere downstairs, and when he went outside Dawn informed him that "she ran off crying that way", to which he let out another very loud groan and chased her down the road, Pikachu hot on his tail.

"Misty!" he shouted as he caught up with her. "Misty! I swear I didn't mean it!"

She spun around, eyes a little red but free of tears. "Oh, sure you didn't, Ash! You were just trying out for some play that happens to have people named Misty and Brock! It doesn't matter, because I have so many friends it's not like I need another one! It's not like you and Brock are the only ones I have! Sorry for the misunderstanding, Ash. I know that you like me so much, I'll be sure to stay around for a while."

"I don't know what came over me," he insisted, grabbing at her elbow. "Please. Don't go back to Cerulean."

"Why do you care if I leave?" she snarled, simply angry and no longer sarcastic now. Her upper lip curling away from her teeth, she continued, "You didn't care the first time, so why would you care now? Just go back to your stupid house and leave me alone. I don't want to hang out with you anymore."

He smiled nervously. "I know you didn't mean the last one."

"Sure I didn't," she snapped, back to her sarcastic self.

"Well…what if…what if I make it up to you?" Ash asked suddenly, hoping that sarcastic Misty harbored the same feelings as the nice one. "How about I take you out tonight? Dinner and a movie. We can go out for burgers and see…see a horror movie. You're into those, right? It'll be on me. You won't have to pay for anything, not even snacks. If that doesn't prove I want to be your friend, I don't know what will."

"Yeah, because I'd love to go to the movies with a jerk like you."

"You would," Ash insisted, "And you'll be going at seven. Sound good?"

She grunted and stormed back to the house, and Ash took that as a yes. After all, it wouldn't be hard to come up with a sarcastic way to reject him, she'd done it once already, and he couldn't help but feel a bit cocky now. Still nervous about the new Misty, but he had his first date already under his belt, and you weren't supposed to kiss until the third date anyway, so he wouldn't have to worry about that either.

He didn't bother dressing up, since it was still only Misty, and he was relieved when he came down and found her relaxing on the couch in the same clothes she was wearing earlier. It was just like a night out with the whole group…except Brock wasn't there and everyone kept giggling obnoxiously and trying to hide that fact that they were doing so. They both blushed (as it's hard not to when people are laughing at you) and hurried out the door as quick as they could.

At the burger joint, the same one Ash had gone to yesterday, Misty simply pointed at the menu and pushed it his way, making him order for both of them. She ended up with some strange burger with mystery sauce while he stuck to the same cheeseburger he had last night. Thankfully, this Misty ate normally (albeit with her hood up) and almost as quickly as he did. Best of all, they managed to have some pleasant conversation.

"Are you going to take over the gym soon?" he asked.

"No. I'm just going to give it all to my sisters after I worked so hard for it." And she plunged a french fry in her milkshake

"Taught you to do that," he said quietly, dipping his own in.

The good news was that this Misty battled, and they were able to talk about that for most of the night. Well, it was mostly him talking with her nodding or making biting comments, which was a bit of a downer, but it was definitely better than nice Misty. He guessed the normal Misty would have had a nice conversation. They could still learn a decent bit of pokémon facts and tricks from one another, especially with new strategies being discovered each day.

They each had snacks and split a popcorn (quite successfully, without a single incident of awkward hand touching) quite happily, and he actually enjoyed the horror movie with her. He got more scared than she did, but he knew he wouldn't be having any nightmares with the humorous sarcastic comments she mumbled to him and the screen. There was nothing better than a stupid girl hearing heavy footsteps, asking if it was her boyfriend, and the redhead next to him snickering a sarcastic innuendo.

"Having fun?" he asked as they both shielded their eyes form a particularly disgusting (and long) murder.

"No, I'm having a terrible time." But she was giggling and smiling, and he could've sworn there was a light blush across her nose. "You can tell by the way I'm laughing at the oh-so-intelligent girls who just got stabbed again. But I can't be too mean, you know it's awfully hard to get away from a guy with a giant wooden leg slowing him down."

A few of the people in the theatre shushed them, though that only made them laugh harder. They couldn't stop until the flashlight carrying employee came in, shining the flashlight directly at them with a warning look. Getting thrown out wasn't part of the ideal date, so they quieted down and kept their jokes and laughter as silent as they could. The movie wasn't anything special, just the typical slasher with no surprises or twists. The acting wasn't very good, the plot was pathetic, and they left it so obviously opening they were practically begging for a sequel. All in all, it was a good night to be sarcastic.

As they were walking back to the house, Ash said, "You know, I had a really great time tonight."

"Well, don't you sound like it was everything you expected it to be."

"Sorry, but…I don't know. I thought, after today, you would spend the night glaring at me or testing me…you know, trying to…you know." He laughed. "I thought you'd hate me all night instead being a…a great date. Because you were, Misty. I had a really great time with you. Out of everything I could have asked for, I never would have imagined that you'd be the one I liked best, but you're a lot of fun."

She blushed and laughed and tripped a bit as she walked. "Sure, and there's nothing you wouldn't change and there's nothing you don't want me to do for you and this isn't just a make-up date so I wouldn't run back to Cerulean."

"That didn't have to be sarcastic. It's true."

She gave a loud snort. "Oh, really. I'm just so perfect that there's nothing you would change about me, because a sarcastic boyish looking redhead is everyone's dream."

He shrugged, twirling a bit as he walked and staring up at the sky. "Well, if there's anything I would have to change…I don't care about how you look, and I don't care about how you dress, though I guess it might be nice if you were shorter. Um…I don't know. I wish you would be a cheerleader, you know? Instead of being sarcastic all the time, like if I had a bad day or during a match I'd really like you to cheer me on."

Genuine once again, she repeated, "You wish I would be a cheerleader?"

Ash came to a dead stop in the middle of the road. He wished. He had just wished she would be a cheerleader. What was wrong with him? Tomorrow he was going to wake up and have a uniform wearing Misty waking him up high school sports style. As hard as he thought, he was quite positive there was no way around this, no way to make it better, though he did mutter that he wished she was sarcastic in hopes that they would take that one instead.

He didn't think they would, but he wished that one extra hard, went back to the house and went to bed promising Misty that he had had a very, very good time.

There's probably more typos in this, and it's probably late, but there was a death in the family. I apologize, but I couldn't get the internet.