Oooo well firstly BIG BIG BIGGGGG thank you to all who reviewed I am super psyched that you did means a lot =)
Gotta say this is one of my fave stories to write I love the way music can portray a range of emotions =)
Here is chapter 19, as I said last chapter I do not think that there will be many more left but I DO hope you have all enjoyed the ride
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The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. – Sophocles
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Buffy's emerald eyes flickered down the stairs to her pale friend and back up to Spikes cerulean blues and the back again, she felt spike release his hold on her. A fresh wave of guilt and pain washed over her as she felt Spike moving away from her
"W-w-w-w-wah" slurred Xander still in shock Buffy opened her mouth trying to talk but nothing came out so she closed it again taking in Xander's appearance she blurted out
"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!" instantly she regretted her natural defence mechanism she felt Spike stiffen before his silky voice muttered
"I knew it" before he turned and stormed down the stairs his leather duster billowing around him as he shoved his shoulder into Xander's side. Buffy saw the twinge in his profile as she knew the chip had fired snapping out of her daze Buffy felt the remorse flood through her veins like molten lava scorching and blistering her from the inside out. Running down the stairs, she passed Xander who reached out a hand to her. Side stepping him Buffy hurried after the cloud of leather and bleach as she heard his heavy boots moving down the basement stairs pulling to door closed behind her. She hurried down the steps her hand running along the wall pulling the light switch on behind her as she reached the bottom of the stairs she saw Spike sprawled out on the old cot one arm draped over his eyes the other hanging limp by his side. Slinking slowly on the bottom step she stared at his still figure neither saying a word. Minutes passed each tick of the clock felt like an eternity taking a deep breath she let it out shakily
"I-I'm sorry I didn't think I-I" she trailed off unsure how to continue letting her head rest on her knees she mentally slapped her self why did she keep hurting him she LOVED him and a memory rose of Spike telling her
You always the hurt the one you love she heard Spike let out a sigh and sit up. She waited a moment before looking up at him his blue eyes staring into her own green ones, Spikes face hardened slightly and Buffy watched as brick by painstaking brick he built his wall back up around himself they sat like that for a long moment just staring. Each just taking in the other finally Spike spoke his voice low and hard
"See love, this is our problem, I care too much and you, well, you couldn't care less."
Each word he spoke was like a barb to her heart lodging itself deeper and deeper
"I cant be around you right now pet" he said softly
'Don't you give up now please' she silently prayed Spike let out a loud groan as he started to walk up the stairs about half way up he turned and ran a pale hand over his face as he looked at her once more before turning shaking his head she heard him mutter
"My life has become the punch line for a bloody seriously disturbed joke." Whether she was supposed to hear it or not she didn't know but still she knew he needed more than 'I didn't think' he needed to understand the dark locked part of her mind, he needed to understand why she was so broken
"E-e-everyone thinks that I'm indestructible. That I'm the girl who never flinches, who always has a smile on her face." She let out a long sigh "I'm so tired of it. I don't want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore, I just want them to understand. For them to understand how hard it is to be me sometimes. And I have to deal with all this crap, and still be expected to be happy. It's not fair. How come everyone else can fall apart, but I have to keep it together... alone?" at some stage during her speech the tears had started to fall and Spike came to sit next to her not touch but at the same time not far away
"Your not alone pet, you got the whole damned Scooby army yeah and the bite size and even me, s'not like I'm gonna let you beat all the nasty buggers out there still need to get my rocks off with this chip an' all" they sat in silence once more
"But pet" spike started as he stood up rubbing the back of his neck "I can't do the hiding in the shadows any more, done that all me bloody life and I just can't do it, I love you pet... probably always will but I know when to cash in my chips and call in a night yeah don't rightly fancy wakin' up with a steak to me heart." After he finish Buffy felt her whole body go numb as his heavy boots walked up the stairs and out the door as the tears built up she felt the familiar pierce in her heart. Did she finally push him to far?
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A/N: ooo well there you go more drama and angst but don't worry the next chapter is happier and quite possibly the last one not to sure yet but I think its time to lay this baby down *Sniff* I mean there is only so much I can do to them really well please review and let me know what you think xx