I was threatening to finish this story a little early like only after six chapters, or eight, but did not.

This story has a lot of me in it, especially when it comes to Ryan's emotions. I was a reluctant gay, and I share many of Ryan's insecurities. I was in denial for a while too.

Lockdown by Tertiary Genesis

Chapter 5: Ice Cream

"What are you doing?!"

"I'm sorry Ryan. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I did not want to pull away. I wanted to stay. I wanted to kiss you."

"Get away from me you fag!"

--XxXxX--

Troy was a mess. He was on the floor, eyes puffy, face still wet from tear trails running across it. He had been shoved into the position he was in. It was an uncomfortable position but probably less painful than what he had inflicted on someone else moments before. He did not appear to have bruises on his upper body from the shove, though the force from which his back hit the floor might have a painful "after-taste".

The Wildcat let his body relax in the position he was in, quitting, for the moment, on his attempts to get back up. He stretched out his legs, which had been caught underneath him, because he was pushed backwards from a kneeling position. His knees felt much better now. A lot of tension in his upper body, he had not noticed was there before, was now slowly leaving him, as if it were diffusing out of his body and into the floor, due to gravity. He was in a much more relaxed state. Now, he could try and work out what had just happened, because it happened way too fast.

Troy was pulled out of this meditative state by the sound of a thud against the door. Ryan was there, slamming his fist against the door, before trying the door knob again. Ryan. That was what happened. The immediate memories were flooding back into Troy's mind. Get away from me you fag! Ryan had called him a fag. No one had ever done that before. No one had ever known it to be true before. Did Ryan know? Troy was very good at hiding his thoughts, emotions, his very self. No one knew the real him. He chose to not let people know the real him.

Troy knew he was gay. He had admitted it to himself a while ago; but to have someone else say it to him, Troy was suddenly more aware of his homosexuality. He was suddenly aware that when it does get out, people are not going to be as accepting as he was of himself. There are many negative aspects to the homosexual lifestyle, which Troy has ignored, because he had believed that he could continue living a straight life, for the time being. Suddenly, the prospect of being called a fag, and being ostracized by his friends and community, had made its way into Troy's mind, and it cut him deep.

Ryan tried the door again. He considered ramming into it like they do in those cop shows, but he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to get it open that way. The doors were designed to stay closed once there was a Lockdown. It would be pointless if some kid could just knock it down; but the room must have an exit of some kind. It would be against the building regulations if the room could not be exited in emergencies and this seemed like a dire situation. There should be an alternative means of escape from the room he may have previously overlooked. Then it hit him, the window.

The Drama King gave up on the door, though his surrender was not dramatic at all. He did not curse the door, nor did he direct any rage or emotion towards it. He simply removed his hands from the door, severing the almost constant contact he had with the structure since he had crossed the room from the other corner. He took one step back, calmly moving away from the door, turned around to face the window, and made his way to the alternative exit.

Ryan tried to open the window, putting all his weight into creating a hole for departure. The window did not even budge. They don't open. He mentally kicked himself after giving himself the same advice he had given Troy earlier, forgetting that the windows are practically sealed shut. Troy himself had attempted to open this window and had about as much success as Ryan was having, but Troy wasn't looking for an escape then. Nothing had happened yet then. Maybe Troy just hadn't tried as hard because he did not actually need the window open. Now Ryan, however, apparently did.

"They don't open, remember?" Troy reminded Ryan as he watched the blond mimic his own movements before.

"I know!" Ryan retorted quite heatedly. Troy had noticed this tone of voice.

"Ryan…" Troy began.

"Don't talk to me you queer!"

Troy was cut again. Again he was hit by the prospect of being spat at for his sexuality. This second reminder made him think about it even more, to the much more serious outcomes of his lifestyle. He could see himself getting bashed by people he knew. The two names he had just been called in the last few minutes, spoken with such venom, had the feeling of a punch to the gut. A punch that had come from Ryan, the person he was just realizing he liked. The person he was discovering that he more than liked. This just made it hurt more.

Ryan could see that he had hurt Troy emotionally. The room seemed to be getting to him. He was saying things he did not quite mean. His emotions were running high. He was losing control. He needed to calm down. He was so caught up in trying to get out of the room that he was forgetting why. Why was he trying to escape? Why was he being so hard on Troy? Why was he accusing Troy of homosexuality? Wasn't it he who had kissed Troy? Damn. It was he that instigated the kiss. He was the gay one. I am not gay! Ryan thought to himself. It's Troy. Troy is making him gay. Troy said himself, "I wanted to kiss you." That was why he was accusing Troy. That was why he was trying to escape. Troy was trying to turn him; but what is so bad about being gay? No, I did not just consider being gay! I can't be gay. I can NOT be gay!

--

Ryan and his father were in the city. They were slurping on ice-creams his father had bought them on their way to pick up his mother and sister from a "women's function". Ryan was already twelve but you can never be too old for ice-cream.

Since the girls had their function, the men of the Evans family decided to go and have a walk around the city. They had left the car in a basement parking lot of a building and had walked around, examining the hustle and bustle of urban life while discussing their own. The girls were due to be finished so the boys were already making their way to the function hall after picking up some ice-creams. It was on their way that they saw the fight.

There were two men on the ground and a dozen or so others around them, beating them up. The men on the ground were being kicked, punched and yelled at, "Cock-sucking pansy!"

"Shouldn't somebody help them?" Ryan asked his father as they joined the crowd gathering to witness the bashing.

"No. The two men being hurt are gay, which means they like other guys instead of girls. They are freaks and are getting what they deserve," his father had told him, as if it were just a normal piece of information one person tells another. There was no emotion behind it. It was just a common understanding. "Make sure you like girls, or you will end up like them."

Ryan thought about this for a moment. He liked girls. It wasn't like he was afraid of cooties or anything. He must have been safe; but the image of the men getting their faces kicked in would remain burned into his memory as a reminder. Make sure you like girls, or you will end up like them.

--

Ryan could not let Troy turn him. He was not going to be gay. He refused to be gay. The kiss, it was a mistake. It was an accident. He did not mean for it to happen. It did not mean anything. He was not gay.

Troy watched Ryan give up on the window and calmly sit at the corner near the window. They were still both a great distance away from each other, but at least they were on the same side of the room instead of opposite corners. Troy continued watching as Ryan calmly sat, cross-legged, and entered his contemplative stance, staring blankly into space. Troy mirrored this move, getting up from lying on the floor and sat, cross-legged, in his corner, furthest from the door, but adjacent to Ryan's corner. Ryan hadn't noticed Troy's mimicry, seemingly very interested in a vague spot on the opposite wall yet looking through it s opposed to at it. Troy took this opportunity to examine the other boy more closely.

The brunet studied the blond as he sat, deep in thought. Ryan was not as scrawny as he appeared. He had a fair amount of flesh on his bones, forming quite a toned muscular frame on the guy. It must be from the dancing and other forms of performing Ryan participates in, Troy mused. That stuff is hard work, he had discovered during Twinkle Town. Ryan had a fine set of abs; Troy remembered seeing them during the brief moment he saw the boy shirtless during their card game. Troy thought Ryan was hot! There was no doubt about that. This discovery of physical attraction, coupled with the feelings that had surfaced during the kiss, had caused lust to well up inside the Wildcat. He was lusting after Ryan, who seemed to just keep hitting him with homophobic remarks. Good job Troy. Way to fall for the hot homophobic straight guy (!) Troy's mind was taunting him, but he wouldn't let it consume him. He had to give himself some hope.

Maybe Ryan's homophobia is just his "beard" as Gabi was for Troy. Maybe Ryan just thought Troy was playing around when he said he did want to kiss him. Maybe Ryan liked Troy back. It had been Ryan who kissed Troy in the first place. There has to be something there. Maybe Troy just needs to assure Ryan that he isn't just fooling around. Maybe all he needs to do is come out to him properly.

"Ryan…" Troy started.

Ryan did not respond. He showed no indication that he heard Troy at all. He continued to stare off into space. This discouraged Troy a bit. How was he supposed to go about this? Can you keep a secret? No, that was a bad way to start. Are you listening? Nah. That might just anger him. Maybe he shouldn't start with a question. I've got something I want to tell you. Still sounds like it expects a response. Maybe he should just come right out and say it.

"Umm… I'm gay."

That snapped Ryan out of his deep thought, but he made no sign of it. Troy had just told him he was gay. Was Troy being serious? He sounded like it. Damn. Troy was gay. This does not help things at all. What did Troy expect Ryan to say to this? Ryan felt like responding with an annoyed "duh!" but continued to look as if he hadn't heard the basketball star at all. He was trying to ignore what Troy was saying. Maybe a little time in his own mind will help him clear some things up.

"And… Uhh… I like you." Troy tried to continue, attempting to fill the silent void left by Ryan's disinterest. He was trying to find something else to add to his confession when the words "I like you" had escaped his mouth before he could stop himself.

Ryan looked nonplussed. "Why are you telling me this, Troy?" His tone of voice lightly laced with annoyance.

"I… I just thought… you should know…"

"Are you trying to turn me gay?!" Ryan snapped back.

"No!"

"Then what Bolton?! 'Cause I am not going to say I like you back, because I am NOT gay!"

"What is your problem?!" Troy was starting to get angry himself. "I thought you were my friend?!"

Damn! Was Ryan still Troy's friend? They had been through so much recently, he did not really know. Did he want to be Troy's friend? Well, Troy might be gay, but its ok to be friends with a gay person, isn't it? That doesn't make you gay yourself, right? No, Troy should still be a friend. Ryan still wanted Troy to be a friend. Maybe they can put this behind them; but Troy said he liked him. Can they remain friends after that? Ryan hoped so. He really did want to keep Troy as a friend. He did not have many real friends, and Troy had been genuinely good to him, before the Lockdown. Well… even during the Lockdown. He did not want to lose one of the few friends he had managed to make. He bit his lip, considering his response.

"I am. I'm sorry… I just… I'm sorry. I still want to be friends"

"Ok…" Troy was surprised by this sudden change. He calmed down a bit. "What about the fag thing?"

"I'm sorry I called you a fag. I just… I didn't… I freaked out. I'm sorry… I just thought… sorry."

"You weren't wrong, I guess, but it still hurt. What is with this sudden homophobia? What have you got against gay people?"

"It's not gay people… it's… umm… I just… I don't like homosexuality"

"Why not? There's nothing wrong with it."

"Well…" Ryan began. He told Troy the story about what his father told him when he was twelve. The two had moved closer to each other as Ryan told the story, meeting somewhere in the middle. Ryan finished his story, emphasizing what his father told him.

"So you think I'm a freak?!"

"No! It's not that. I'm just… afraid of turning gay…"

"'Cause of the bashing?"

Ryan nodded.

"It's ok. In the past few years, there have been less and less bashings. Even in just the last 5 years, people are becoming much more tolerant. The world is changing"

Ryan simply gave a nod of acknowledgement. He was beginning to overcome his homophobia.

"Well… Are you turning gay?" Troy asked, maybe a little too hopeful.

"I dunno…" Ryan paused for a moment. "How did you know you were gay?"

"Well… I guess I kinda noticed how I did not really like girls that much, sexually, and then I started noticing guys…"

This was sounding similar to what Ryan was telling himself before. Was he gay? Maybe it was just Troy? The guy certainly had panache.

Troy saw that Ryan was thinking hard again. He stretched out a hand and placed it on the blond's shoulder as a sign of support. Ryan winced at the touch and Troy was reminded of the bruises he had inflicted.

"Sorry Ryan. I did not mean to do that to you. I guess I freaked out too and did something I didn't mean. Can I take a look at it?"

Troy had been given permission to undo some of the buttons on Ryan's shirt. He noticed that Ryan had put the buttons in the wrong holes and laughed a bit, lightening the atmosphere. Troy moved his hand across Ryan's shoulder and down his arm, pushing the shirt away from the bruise. He kept his hand on the other boys arm and pulled himself closer to take a better look at the bruise. Troy was so close to the exposed flesh now.

Ryan could feel Troy's hot breath on his skin. He heard and felt Troy whispering, "Sorry," before Troy placed a light kiss on his skin. Ryan felt a wave pulse through his body, from that point of contact, unsure whether it was pain from the bruise, or something else. Troy placed another light kiss on Ryan, a little closer to the neck than the previous kiss, but no longer on the bruised flesh. The wave had nothing to do with the bruise.

Troy was about to place another kiss, this time on the neck, when the boys heard someone banging on the door.

"TROY?!"

--XxXxX--

TBC…

I think I was getting better at writing. The boys' bond is intensifying. I do not get much past kissing in this story. It is all Disney innocent.