Thank you for the reviews so far, this is quite a dark story and will continue to get darker. Please have a read and let me know what you think Xx
They hadn't talked about it. They hadn't really talked about anything since that night, long silences filled the spaced that has usually been taken by banter and casual conversation. He was sat at his desk, avoiding any eye contact with her, she wondered if he'd even looked her in the eye once in the past fourteen days. He'd been sullen before, quiet and moody, but she'd always known how to handle him, whether to tell him to "man up" and "snap out of it" or to calmly comfort him, this time she had no idea what to do.
He had left without saying a word, not a single word and it had nearly broken her heart. They had been lying, tangled up in each other, when he'd let out a deep sigh and she knew it was over. She'd closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep, unable to face the pain of watching him leave her after what they had done, when she heard the click of the front door closing she could barely breathe, the reality of what they had done overwhelming her as she lay naked on the floor with nothing but a thin blanket to cover her. What had she done?
"We need to interview the family again." He didn't say why, and she didn't ask, she simply nodded, biting her lip as he stood and she followed. It was as if she'd lost her voice when it came to him, even when she knew he was wrong she simply agreed, unable to find the strength to disagree, everything had changed now and she had no idea how to face him. She knew he was angry at her, and she knew she deserved it, she should have stopped it, she shouldn't have let him touch her, she was terrified that he would just lose it at any moment and explode and she'd know exactly how much he now hated her for what they did. She could barely think straight anymore, constant thought of what Elliot thought, how Elliot was feeling, how he had felt...she couldn't go there.
"Are you even listening to me?" he snapped, unable to even pretend to hide the anger in his voice.
"Uh, I am...sorry." She'd never been afraid of him before, afraid that with one word their partnership could be over? Maybe she deserved it?
He didn't say another word as they approached the car. The car was the worst, having to sit in such close proximity with him was almost unbearable it was then that she remembered how her lips felt on hers, how her felt onto of her, inside of her... She shook her head, she couldn't get it out of her mind, the way he felt, the whispered words of passion, the way he'd held her...until he'd remembered his family at home and left her.
He'd stayed with her all night, not even a wink of sleep was shared between the two of them as they connected on levels they'd never allowed themselves to believe possible together. She'd lost count of the amount of times he'd taken her, the sofa, the kitchen top, the shower, the wall, the floor everything in her apartment reminded her of him and the way he'd moved inside of her, everything apart from her bed. Neither one had even tried to head for the bedroom, perhaps understanding that the bed was for lovers, for those who didn't have to sneak around and hide their actions. Not that either of them was trying to carry on the one night they had shared...They could barely stand looking at each other, touching...touching would have killed her.
**
Elliot watched as Olivia sat in the passenger seat, unable to look at him she stared forwards and he knew she was lost in her own thoughts, thoughts about him...about what they had done. He knew she regretted it and he hated himself for not stopping it sooner. He was an asshole. He could barely look at her without having constant reminders of how she felt under him, how it felt to finally be inside of her...it was killing him. He hated himself for what he had done to her, to their friendship and he hated himself for wanting it to happen again.
Being around his family was unbearable, he had no idea how to be around his wife after straying into his partners arms. Kathy had brought Olivia up many times in arguments and he could stand there and whole heartedly swear nothing had happened, how would he do that now? He prayed that Kathy would never ask again because he knew he'd give himself away within seconds... He'd thought about telling her, about walking out there and then and ending it for good but every time he saw his kids he reminded himself exactly why he was there, how much damage it would do to his family if they ever found out about what he had done. It wasn't going to happen again, he knew that Olivia wouldn't let it, so he simply kept his confession to himself and prayed that he would start feeling like his old self soon.
Kathy had asked him what was wrong with him last night, noting he'd been "different" he calmly explained that he was still struggling to deal with the loss of the four children in the school standoff and both his heart and his head punished him for lying. He knew he'd been a nightmare and promised he'd try harder, his stomach flipping as Kathy pressed her lips against his, guilt overwhelming him as she pulled away and smiled, he hated himself.
He knew he'd been worse with Olivia, almost punishing her, snapping at her at every chance. He'd had the chance to leave after the first round of sex and he hadn't, he'd stayed all night, learning every inch of her body, something he now couldn't get out of his head. He should have left, he never should have touched her but...but he just couldn't help it, he'd never needed anything more. He knew leaving he way that he did would hurt her but as the light of day seemed to bring his reason back he could barely breathe as the reality of what he had done sunk in. Now he was acting as if it was all her and as much as he hated having to do it he knew it was the only way that they stood a chance, they would be okay eventually, he had to concentrate on his family and remember that Olivia was his partner and only that, keeping her at arm's length was the only way he was going to save his family, and his partnership.
**
Another dead end.
She wanted to scream. She'd been hunting for the rapist of a twelve year old girl, the bastard had attacked her in public toilets and she was now terrified to leave the house. She was determined to find him, but she was getting nowhere quick. She looked up as Elliot angrily slammed some files onto his desk.
"You wanna calm down Stabler?" John called from his desk in his usual teasing tone.
"You wanna shut the hell up?" The squad room came to a standstill ad Olivia and Fin both stared at Elliot.
"Man, he was joking-"
"I don't have time for this," he angrily slammed his desk drawer shut and headed for the locker room.
"Either you go after him or I do." Fin's tone left her with no doubt as to what would happen if she wasn't the one to go and talk to him, so slowly, with a racing heart, she followed her partner into the locker room.
**
He heard the door opened, he knew it was her. His heart stopped as she heard the click of the closing door.
"You wanna talk about it?" she asked, trying with all her might to prevent her voice from shaking. She could do this, they both could, pretend that nothing happened...simple.
He was sat with his head in his hands, and his hack to her. "Liv, just...get out."
"You know we can't keep doing this-"
"I said get out!" he stood quickly and spun around to face her. "I don't have time for you right now!" he watched as her expression changed, she couldn't hide the hurt on her face. "God," he thumped the nearest locker, and in the corner of his eye he saw her jump.
"You wanna punch the hell out of everything in front of you? That works really well for you?" with every word she spoke she remembered exactly how to talk to him, this had to stop. "Hitting things doesn't work for you, you need to think of other ways to help you cope-"
"Like fucking you?" he finally met her stare as her eyes widened. "That why you came here? It's never going to happen again Liv, so you can get it out of your head-?"
"You bastard," she would not cry, she would not cry. She was fighting for breath as her chest rose and fell, she'd never experienced such intense physical pain from words before...
He was a bastard. He knew it, and he hadn't meant to say it, hell, he didn't even mean it, he knew he shouldn't be angry at her... but he was and he couldn't stop it. "I..." say sorry, just say sorry, tell her you didn't mean it "I'm requesting a new partner." He watched as she looked as though the air had been knocked out of her. He hated her...he hated her because he wanted her. He couldn't keep hurting her, it was easier this way...she'd understand eventually.
He left her stood in the locker room alone, still stunned by his outburst.
He was a bastard.
**
It had been three weeks since the confrontation in the locker room and as much as she hadn't believed him Elliot was true to his word. Fin had taken to the change with fewer complaints than John and as much as she liked John she knew that Fin wouldn't irritate her half as much. She hadn't spoken a single word to Elliot since he'd left her alone in the locker room, thousands of emotions had assaulted her as she struggled to deal with the loss of her best friend but she would be dammed if she let anyone treat her the way he had. She was strong enough to cope with this.
"Wanna tell me what happened with you and Elliot?" Fin asked as they drove.
"No."
"So something did happen?" he smiled, desperate to get even a smile out of his new partner. She'd been utterly miserable since they'd been paired together and he put it down to simply missing her partner but he knew why she had requested a change, Stabler was a moody asshole, she'd get used to being paired with him in time, it was John he felt sorry for.
"This is Tommy's uncle's house, he said he'd spoken to him about who was hurting him, do you think it's him?" she asked, keen to stop the molester of a five year old boy
"No, definitely not him, he was out of the country when the attacks happened. But the mom said he wouldn't give up any information when she asked him-" he started
"If a child is in danger he will, or I'll arrest him."
"Okay, so we're not taking and shit from this guy? Good, I think this partnership is gonna work just fine, you just keep this attitude and we'll be like...The Kray twins..." he smiled as she shook her head, hiding a smile and pushed open the passenger door.
**
He'd been driving for exactly forty seven minutes, summoning up the courage to drive home. His wife had called six times...six. So four minutes ago he turned the car around an began driving home, wondering if he could kiss his wife when he got home without feeling physically sick with guilt.
Hurting his wife was currently battling hurting Olivia in the "What does Elliot Stabler feel most guilty about" competition and it was driving him crazy, he felt like he was betraying his wife all over again by feeling bad for his poor treatment of Olivia, the look on her face... What the hell had he been thinking? He hoped that eventually she would understand, he had to hurt her to save their relationship, she would understand, she had to...
His heart suddenly stopped as he heard the radio begin to crackle...he missed the first part as the volume was low, as he adjusted the volume he heard...
"Assistance needed...officer down...Liv! Shot's fired!"
His heart stopped. His foot slammed on the break as he felt the blood drain from his face, shots fired...Olivia...Officer down....It had sounded like utter chaos was erupting, he had to get there, he had to...he had to get to her.
**
He'd driven like a maniac but he didn't give a shit. His heart was thumping, it was the only thing he could hear as he approached Fin. He was just stood there, head in hands...ut was bad, Elliot knew it, it was bad news.
"Where is she?" his eyes were wide as he scanned the scene, looking for any hint of how bad her injuries were.
"She's gonna be okay...she was knocked out-" Fin started, guilt overwhelming him.
"Knocked out? W-What the hell happened why weren't you watching her back!" it took exactly three seconds for Elliot to start shouting.
"He pushed her down the God Damn stairs! I was at the top-"
"Why the hell would you go first?"
"What?! Why don't you go to the hospital and check she's okay, or do you wanna waste your time yelling at me?" Fin snapped, he knew he should have stayed closer to Olivia, the bastard turned to run and she tried to stop him, the look on her face as she fell...he knew it would give him nightmares for days, if not longer.
"How bad?"
"She has a head injury, broken ribs, her wrist-"
"Jesus!" Elliot angrily slammed his hands against the nearest wall. "Why didn't you go with her?"
"There wasn't enough room, they literally just left when you got here, I'm going to follow. You need a ride?"
**
He had driven himself to the hospital, and stayed only to hear that she was going to be okay and that there would be no permanent damage. His wife had called eight more times, how could he explain this? Surely the guilt would be written all over his face? Late for dinner because the woman he'd had sex with was hurt and he was terrified she was going to die hating him?
She was okay, she was going to be okay. As he lay next to his sleeping wife forty hours after the accident thoughts of Olivia bombarded him as he struggled to sleep, desperately trying to think of anything other than her, other than the immense need to see for himself that she was okay? He slowly turned onto his side so that he was facing his wife, for her sake and the sake of the life they had built for 20 years he silently promised to stay exactly where he was...
**
Every step hurt, every time the inconsiderate bastard banging on her door at 3 am pounded it felt like her head was going to explode, concussion was bad enough but this? She angrily pulled open the door, ignoring the pain in her ribs and before she could yell or slam the door in his face he was on her. His lips were against hers, his hands cupping her face as he sent them both flying backwards until her ass hit the sofa.
For a moment she ignored the pain all over her body and allowed him to kiss her, and she kissed him back, Jesus he felt so good. She wanted him so badly, what the hell was he doing to her? She couldn't breathe, she couldn't thing straight, as his hands roamed her body she placed her hands on either side of his chest and pushed him away. "Stop." She looked at him, unable to hide the frown. "What are you doing?" how stupid did he think she was? After everything he'd said to her, he thought he could simply burst in the door, kiss her and everything would be okay?
"I...I needed to see that you were okay?" he stepped forwards, running his hand a long her bruised cheek bone. This was how it has started the first time, his hand skimming her jaw line...
"I'm fine, go home to your wife," she could do this, she could ask him to leave, ignore the urge to let him take her there and then, ignore the need to have him hold her in his arms. Her heart was beating so loudly she could have sworn that he could hear it.
"I...I can't..." he couldn't explain it, he didn't even know how to try but something was pulling him towards her. How could he leave her? How could he ever leave her? His heart was thumping, did she have any idea what she did to him? What the thought of losing her did to him?
"Please?" she begged as his fingers gradually skimmed her throat and chest. She closed her eyes, knowing that she'd hate herself in the morning and that he would hate her too. As his lips softly pressed against hers she brought her hands up to cup his cheeks. "This is wrong..." she whispered as he reached for the top button of her blouse.
"I know..." he knew, of course he knew but he couldn't tear himself away from her. She needed to know how much he...how much she meant to him, how sorry he was for what he'd said...he had to show her.
"Mmm," she whimpered into his mouth as his hands roughly roamed her whole body, her broken ribs crying out as he roughly tugged on her shirt.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kissed her again, his tongue slowly tracing her bottom lip as he prayed that she needed him as much as he needed her and that she wouldn't turn him away...
Please review, just take a second to let me know what you think?? It'd be greatly appreciated :D Thanks xx P.s the next chapter is ready to go...you want it??