She always chewed her pen when she was nervous, it was something that had taken just a little time for him to learn. Trying to catch her eye, he shifted in his seat, cleared his throat...hell he could have fallen backwards off his god damn chair and she still wouldn't look at him. He'd been her partner for nearly eleven years and he'd never been more lost for words. They had barely said a word to each other since he'd left her apartment, he'd stayed partnered with Much and Olivia was still with Fin, he hated it. Every time they left the ache in his heart became more intense, he wanted to be the one watching her back, the one making sure she was always covered, he wanted to be the one walking side by side with her.

He'd left her apartment exactly two weeks ago because she had asked him to, he'd wanted to stay, to talk but she'd made herself perfectly clear. He thought about telling her that he couldn't go, begging her to let him stay but he knew it would only complicate things further so he'd gone home to his wife and children and forced a smile when all he could think about was the fact that he had just made love to Olivia Benson, he hadn't meant to, it had started with him trying to be gentle, trying not to injure her but...the way she'd clung to him, their kisses never breaking, their hands joined, he felt something that he hadn't felt for years, perhaps ever and it scared the living hell out of him every time he thought about it. He had wanted to be with her, to connect with her but the boundaries had been crossed and he wondered if there was any way it could it ever have been just sex between them? No, The extent of his feeling simply wouldn't allow it.

He remembered the feel of her hands in his, her lips on his, how it felt to be inside of her, every moment of every day and it was killing him. He had tried to talk to her, to catch her eye, anything but she just wouldn't communicate at all and this killed him even more. He once thought, whilst pinning Olivia Benson against her kitchen counter that he didn't want to die without having made love to her, they'd had sex then, it was desperate, needy and unsure the first night that they had shared, it was sex, fantastic sex, but just sex. Now he knew what it was like to make love to Olivia Benson he wondered if he would ever be able to forget...

***

She would not cry.

She took a deep, shaky breath as she closed the crib door behind her and walked towards her locker. She'd been fighting for exactly seventy two hours to save a young girl from a crazed paedophile. Natalie Deane was seven years old, taken from outside her own front door as her mother struggled to get her and her siblings to school. They'd found the bastard who had taken her after 36 hours, and for nearly thirty straight hours Olivia and Fin interrogated the sick son of a bitch until he finally got bored and gave them the information that they so desperately wanted. Natalie was already dead when Olivia and her partner had stumbled upon the garage that the killer had described, her neck broken, her tiny battered body lying on the damp floor, eyes wide with fear.

That sight alone made her want to break down there and then, the little girl must have been so scared... telling her mother had been agony, the young woman simply collapsed to her knees, clinging to Olivia as she sobbed and screamed for her baby girl, having been so convinced that her daughter would be okay. Olivia was exhausted, the poor little girl was in the morgue and her mother's life was changed forever, on days like today she wondered if it would ever end, she wondered if it was really possible to have a happy ending, even when children survive they too are changed forever... She shook her head, leaning forward until the cool metal on the lockers met her forehead, she had failed to save Natalie, failed to make the sick bastard confess earlier, she had failed and she was just so exhausted...

"Hey..."

"Not now Elliot." She couldn't do this with him here, she just needed...she needed a release, she needed to scream or to cry but...not with him there.

"It's not your fault-"

"Please not now..." she felt the tears begin to sting her eyes and closed them, desperate not to shed a single one in front of Elliot, the man who just weeks ago was in her bed, the man who she couldn't face at the best of times. She heard him moving behind her and expected to hear the click of the door but instead she felt him, his hand grasping her arm slowly pulling her towards him and into his arms. For about three seconds she thought about pulling away but as she slowly curled her fingers to grasp the material of his jacket, her head resting against his chest as he ran his hands through her hair.

It felt so right, like being held by the one person in the world who could ever make the pain go away. She physically ached for him, when he wasn't near her it was unbearable but when he was within a few meters the need was overwhelming, and now, she so close that she could hear his heartbeat.

He pressed his lips onto the top of her head, he knew how much she was hurting and he would've given anything to be the one person who could take her pain away. He could barely breathe as she clung to him, not crying, not talking just...allowing herself to be held, allowing him to hold her. It was wrong, he knew it but he just couldn't let her go. How could he?

She pressed her lips against his slowly and within moments she was pinned against the lockers, her tongue in his mouth, has hands unbuttoning her pants. She needed this. She had tried to convince herself that she would be okay, that they would be okay, that they could just go back to normal but every second that he wasn't inside of her was torture and she just couldn't take it anymore. She moaned into his mouth as his fingers grazed her centre, Jesus, her pants needed to be off now, right now. She ran her hands through the short bristles of his hair as her coat dropped to the floor, his hands were everywhere and she could barely breathe...

He'd been so terrified that he would never feel her body pressed against his again, that he would never feel her lips on his and now, as they began to strip each other in the locker room, not caring about anything other than the intense need to be inside each other, he thanked and chastised God for sending this woman to him.

"Hey Liv! You up here?"

She'd never seen him move so fast, one second he was on her, the next he was at the other side of the room quickly doing up his trousers. She barely had time to run her hand through her hair as Fin walked in, he looked from Olivia to Elliot and back again.

"You okay?" he asked softly, noting the slightly shocked look on her face.

"Uh, yeah..." she cleared her throat, attempting to sound anything other than completely overwhelmed. "Yeah," she spoke a little louder, watching as Fin again looked from her to Elliot.

"I just...wanted to check you were okay, and wanted to let you know Cragen wants our report in the morning," he kept his eyes trained on Elliot as the other man simply stared at his partner. "Okay," he couldn't help but wonder exactly what he had interrupted as he turned to leave, closing the door slowly behind him.

Elliot walked towards her quickly, freezing as she put her hands up in defence.

"No..." she sighed, turning away from him. "Jesus what are we doing?" What the hell was she doing? Had she lost her God Damn mind? She watched as Elliot frowned, unsure of what to say, of course he didn't know what to say, there was nothing he could say to make this okay. How could she have been so stupid, he wasn't hers, she couldn't have what wasn't hers, no matter how empty she felt without him, no matter how much it hurt when he wasn't near her.

Elliot took two steps forwards, bringing his hand up to cup her cheek, resting his forehead against hers. "Don't do this." He didn't know what else to say, he knew it was wrong, of course he did but he could barely breathe when she wasn't with him, he only really felt alive when her lips were on his, didn't she understand.

"Go home to your wife Elliot," she whispered, pulling away from his grasp and leaving him alone in the darkened room.

**

"You okay?" Fin's voice brought her out of her daydream. She turned to find him staring at her with a slightly concerned look on his face. "You've barely said a word all morning..."

"I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, I'm sorry," she offered, she had had exactly two hours of restless sleep before her alarm began to scream in her ear. He had turned up at her apartment at ten o'clock and despite every inch of her body begging her to open the door, she knew that she couldn't, instead she sat against the wooden door listening to his every move outside her door. She knew that he knew that she was in, and for that reason he stayed outside her door for nearly two hours, hoping that she would open the door to him.

She hadn't and just before 11:52 she heard his deep sigh and the sound of his footsteps going down the stairs, she stayed where she was for another two hours, sat against the front door of her apartment silently wishing he would come back and trying to understand exactly how things became so fucked up.

Of course physically, after losing the children in the school they had turned to each other and she had known as soon as his lips touched hers that it was wrong, of course she did but she always sacrificed her own needs, always and she had just...needed him so much, she still did. She knew they had crossed the point of no return when she'd let him kiss her, when she'd let him move inside of her...there was no way back but she knew that no matter how much it hurt she had to figure out a way forward.

**

Exactly four weeks had passed since the locker room incident and they hadn't said a single word to each other, the tension was obvious and both of their partners had enquired about the source, both of them had received short, sharp answers and the knowledge never to bring it up again. Cragen had individually asked them what the problem was, both of them refusing to accept there was one, Olivia slightly less aggressively than Elliot who nearly broke the Captains door with the force of the slam as he'd left.

If she was completely honest she was devastated, she knew that she had to cut herself off from him, in every way possible and she knew that he would react but she didn't expect him to be so angry. He was more aggressive than ever, rougher with perps, shorter with John, he was almost unbearable. She understood his anger, of course she did, but did he not understand why it had to be this way? He hadn't said a single word to her since she refused to let him into her apartment, and while she had decided that she could no longer be intimate with the man she cared about so much, she had to accept his decision to end all contact all together.

She had hoped that eventually they would return to the way they were, before they broke the rules, she'd hoped that she would be able to have a normal conversation without thinking about how it felt for him to be inside of her, that she could watch him speak without her eyes automatically finding his beautiful, soft lips but he had made it clear that it wasn't going to happen and she refused to show him exactly how much it hurt.

**

She may as well have gone back to Oregon, the only difference now was that he could still see her, he knew that she was safe but...but he couldn't talk to her, she'd made it obvious that she couldn't carry on their sordid secret and he just didn't know how to be around her anymore. He silently prayed that he wasn't hurting her, thats he'd understand eventually that this was what he had to do to get over her? Get over her? It was just sex...he'd tried to convince himself of thisfor so long but when he became almost desperate to be near her, to hear her voice he knew it was more...what did it matter now? She had made herself clear, she had left him standing outside her apartment for hours, he'd heard her inside...he'd thought about begging, maybe even using his key but knew it would get him nowhere, he had to respect her wishes, no matter how heavy his heart felt...

**

Elliot slowly pressed his forehead against the cold wooden front door of his ex partners apartment, the door he'd been outside so many times. His heart was racing and hundreds of horrific thoughts were running through his mind, raging anger threatening to overturn his overwhelming concern for Olivia. He needed her to answer the door. He'd knocked three times, softly called her name through the door to let her know that it was him but he'd heard nothing.

He had felt as though his heart was going to explode as Fin told him what had happened...

"She's okay...she's been checked out at the hospital and they have her the all clear, just cuts and bruises."

Elliot listened as Fin explained the minor injuries his partner had suffered, but he knew there was more, the look in the other mans' eyes told him there was more. "What happened?" He asked, trying not to sound too accusatory.

"I was taking the statement of the neighbours...perp must've come home while Olivia was searching the house-"

"What did he do to her?" he couldn't help but tense his jaw, the thought of anyone else touching Olivia made his blood boil. "Fin!" he was beginning to lose his patience.

"Look man-" Fin didn't want to be the one that told him.

"I have a right to know. I have a right to know," he repeated slowly, watching as Fin nodded his head slowly.

"She told me...that he knocked her out...when she woke up her pants were off and he was ontop of her-"

"Jesus Christ-" he felt as though his chest was going to implode. Not her, not her please, not her. He could barely breathe as Fin placed a strong hand on his arm.

"He didn't rape her, he didn't okay? When I got there he was..." he took a deep breath. "He was on top of her with his trousers undone, had her cuffed with her own cuffs...if we'd got there any later..." he couldn't stand to think of what would have happened if he'd gotten there any later. "But we got there on time...he didn't rape her."

"She was sexually assaulted," he spoke through gritted teeth. "How far did he get?" he felt sick to his stomach. He watched as Fin almost nervously looked at him.

"Nothing under clothes...she promised me. I uh, I asked her to do a rape kit at the hospital, she said there was no need but..."

"You think she's lying?"


"No...but I know that attempted rape can be just as terrifying as rape...she...was shaking and she could barely speak-"

"And you left her alone?" part of him wanted to punch the other man, part of him wanted to go to the cell and kill the son of a bitch who had dome this to her, the rest of him ached to be with her, to make sure she was okay.


"Go man...She needs someone."

He'd driven so fast it was a wonder he hadn't crashed, but his heart ached more for every second he wasn't with her and he could barely stand the thought of her alone, in pain, it was very slowly killing him. Now as he stood outside her door he wondered if he should go? Maybe she needed time alone? No, he shook his head, she would want to be alone, but she needed the opposite, no matter what she had convinced herself.

He slowly turned the key in the door and pushed it open...

"Liv it's me...I used my key..." he called out into the silent apartment, the last thing he wanted to do was frighten her. He froze as he heard a sound he had never heard before, a sound that singlehandedly broke his heart, a small sob. He followed the sound towards the bedroom, hs heart physically aching, desperate to hold her, to make sure that she was okay. He pushed open the bedroom door and froze as his heart sank, there she was, lying on her bed, on her side iwth her knees tucked into her stomach, tears streamed down her face, along the large purple bruise that covered the right side of her cheek. God, what had that bastard done to her?

He wanted to cry, he'd never even seen her cry, nothing more than a few tears in her eyes. She looked so fragile, so broken, she met his gaze for just a second before closing her eyes and the fact that she didn't even move to try and shy away from his gaze told him exactly how traumatised she was. He didn't know what to do, how to make it better. His heart sank further as another sob escaped.

He removed his shoes and jacket before cautiously walking around to the other side of the bed, slowly lowering himself and gently bringing himself closer to her. He was scared to touch her, scared that she would be frightened of him, but...he was so desperate to hold her, to make the pain go away so he gently brought his hand around until it was draped over her hip. He felt her shift against him and prayed that she would allow him to comfort her. He released the breath he didn't even know he'd been holding as she covered his hand with her own, squeezing, silently asking him to hold her, he edged forwards until her back was against his chest and held her tightly as her sobs intensified.

He held her for what seemed like hours before she fell asleep, safe in the comfort of his arms and he thanked God that she has let him hold her, as much for his own good as for hers...

**

Olivia sat at her desk, reading through her latest case file, she'd been staring at the same page for almost twenty minutes, nervously watching through the Captains window as he read through her statement. It had been three weeks since she had been assaulted, three weeks since her nightmares almost came true... She couldn't stop the chill that ran down her spine. She was okay, she'd spoken to a therapist after seven nights of night terrors and was slowly becoming more and more aware of how to avoid the traps that so many others had fallen into. She wasn't ready to talk to her colleagues yet, Cragen had insisted she'd taken more time off but all she could do in the apartment was think...dwell...

"Hey-"

She could do nothing to hide the fright, Jesus, he said hi...just hi...she needed to snap out of it. She coudln't jump every time someone said hello.

"You okay?" his deep blue eyes expressed a deep concern.

"Yeah," she lied. "Yeah, sorry I was day dreaming."

She had woken up the morning after the assault to find Elliot gone, he had made her breakfast and it was still warm so he must have left only moments before. Next to the breakfast was a note.

Please call me, anytime, El

She knew that he'd been scared that she would wake up and ask him to leave, he was trying to prevent any embarrassment she would feel after breaking down in front of him but she couldn't help but wish...

"You sure?" he asked in a soft, lulling tone. She could see in his face that he didn't believe her but as she nodded and gave him her best fake smile he admitted defeat this time and let it go.

They had spoken every day at work since he'd cradled her all night, no words, no intimate touches, just pure comfort...and since that moment it almost seemed as though everything had gone back to the way it used to be, and she was so relieved, so happy to have him back even if it wasn't all of him.

**

She couldn't do this.

She'd frozen, in the middle of a God Damn interview she just....froze. The second the bastard trailed his finger along her arm she could barely form a sentence, she'd started to sweat and it took exactly four minutes before Cragen opened the door and ordered her out. Her arm! He only touched her God Damn arm.

"Liv-"

"Not now Elliot please..." she didn't have the energy for him right now, things had been going from bad to worse, they'd been getting on so well...but it was all shot to hell when asked if they could be partners again, she'd said no...and within hours he was back to his angry self. What the hell did he want from her? They couldn't be in such close proximity, despite everything she'd been through she still found herself wanting him and it felt wrong...it confused the hell out of her, how could she still want someone sexually after what had happened?

"Liv-"

"I can't do this with you right now Elliot!" she turned to face him, trying to look as stern as she could. Why was he making this so hard.

"I...I should have been in there with you then-"

"What?"

"I should have been with you on that day-" he didn't know what else to call it. "This...this is killing me okay? I need to be the one that protects you, I need to know that you're okay-" she had to know.

"I don't need protection-" she spat angrily, who the hell did he think he was?

"Jesus Olivia you were nearly raped!" he hated saying it, he felt sick to his stomach even thinking about what could have happened to her, what had happened to her.

"I know! Jesus, Elliot I know! Do you think I'd really forget!"

"Let me watch your back again-"

"No! No! No!" she brought her hand to her head. "What part of that don't you get? Why the hell are you pushing this-" she really didn't understand why they couldn't just carry on the way they were, it was so much safer this way.

"I miss you..." the shouting stopped.

She looked up at him with wide eyes, unable to tear her gaze away from his. He looked so desperate, like he'd do anything just to have her as a partner again...

"That's why I can't....Jesus, Elliot I can't d this-"

"Just...give it a chance-"

"And what happens when we face a case we can't handle? How long do you think it will take until you're back in my bed Elliot? God, I knew this wouldn't work-"

"This isn't just your choice! You don't just get to push me away and pull me back in-"

"You pulled yourself back in! I didn't ask you to come to my apartment Elliot, I didn't ask you to stay with me-"

"You didn't ask me to go." He knew he was being an asshole but he just wanted to be her partner again, he needed to be nearer to her, it was killing him having such little contact with her.

"You son of a bitch! Is that why you came that night? So that you can use it against me to get what you want?" she was pissed, how dare he use that against her.

"Jesus no!"

"Well fuck you Elliot!"

The words escaped his mouth before he could do anything about them. "You already did remember?" he saw her face drop, what the hell had he done...

**

"You don't have to do this..." he whispered softly, barely able to speak.

She looked up at him, trying to avoid the tears that would undoubtedly come. "Yes...I do." She had asked Cragen for a reassignment, she was going to vice, something she was confident she could handle. After the last argument with Elliot she had gone home, and whilst looking through her mother's old photo album, wondered how she could avoid ending up like the once beautiful woman in the pictures. She knew that Elliot was sorry, and that wasn't even the real issue, the issue was, if she stayed she knew that their affair would carry on, she didn't know how long she could keep turning him away from her front door, something she had done three times since they had last slept together.

She thought about Kathy, and about the incredible pain she would feel if she ever found out about her husband's adultery. She knew that she had to go, she should have known as soon as she crossed the line with Elliot, there was no way it could have ended happily.

"I...I can change-"

"It's not about that, I don't want you to change," she admitted as they sat in the locker room, the last box ready to be carried to the car. "I want you to stay...exactly the way you are..." she swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I need you to stay-" he almost begged. This was not happening, she couldn't do this to him, to them. He didn't know what he expected, he knew that he couldn't promise never to turn up on her door again, he could try to stay faithful to his loving wife...he hated what cheated had made him, had made Olivia but every time he thought he was strong enough to let her go he ended up right back in front of her door. She hadn't let him in, the last time he had been intimate with her was when they had made love for the first time...

"And I need to go...It's...it's for the best you know it is...we should have never started this, this is the only way to finish it." She was quite ready to sacrifice her own happiness to protect him, she only hoped he'd understand and try not to save her... "I have to do this...you know there's no way around it...you...are married and what we did was wrong." They had never spoken so bluntly about it before.

"If there was any other way..." he started, unable to finish, the heavy feeling in his chest restricting the rest of the words.

"I know," she nodded slowly, desperate to leave before the tears formed. She loved him. She loved him and she was walking away, she hated doing the right thing, she hated it but she had to swallow what her mother called 'The Big Girl Pill' and just accept it, she could cry later, now she had to go.

He slowly leant towards her, desperate to feel her lips against his one last time...

"I'm sorry..." she winced and pulled away. "I...I can't-" in just moments she had picked up the last box and was gone leaving him standing along in the locker room staring at her empty locker....

Please continue to review, I really appreciate the reviews! Xxxxxx I'm working on the sequal as you read.... Xx Wanna read it?? xx