Calamity James

By Lily Orange

Ever since Lily took the Marauders and Isabel to see a musical at the cinema in the school holidays, they have become fixated on them; when Professor Dumbledore announces there is to be a school ball, James comes up with the suggestion that they perform a musical at it instead of having a band...

Chapter 2

Greased Lightning In The Windy City

* * *

James and Lily wandered into the Gryffindor Common Room that evening to find Remus reading a book that he had sneaked off the shelf beside the fireplace on which Isabel kept her books so that she didn't keep forgetting to bring them with her every term, Peter playing Exploding Snap with Sirius, who was playing rather half-heartedly as he was discussing with Isabel what concerts they were going to go to when they had graduated from Hogwarts in the summer.

"Hey, how's my favourite Head Boy?" Sirius greeted James fervently, slapping him on the back.

"Well, he managed not the burst into song during our meeting with Dumbledore, but I'm afraid to say that he's mid-song right now and won't pay attention to you until he's finished," Lily warned them, taking her usual seat in the armchair adjacent to Isabel's in front of the fire.

"So why is he not making any noise?" Sirius asked inquisitively as he watched James walk around the common room, his mouth moving energetically but no sound escaping it.

"I cast a silencing charm on him," Lily confessed, grabbing a wayward copy of the Daily Prophet off the table behind her chair and opening it to the wizarding celebrity columns inside.

"Why on earth did you do that and deprive us of his talent?" Sirius asked, his eyes glinting mischievously as he pointed his wand in James' direction and shouted, "SONORUS!"

Suddenly, James' voice was back and it was magnified to about ten times its usual volume. Everybody in the common room looked bewildered when they saw James leaping over chairs and sliding under tables as he sang,

"Go greased lightning, you're burning up the quarter mile! Go greased lighting you're coasting through the heat lap trial! You are supreme – the chicks'll scream for GREASED LIGHTNING!"

"Dear Merlin," Lily cursed, banging her head against the arm of the chair repeatedly as everybody else clapped along, entertained by James, some of them for the second time that day. "And we had an announcement to make!" she added, remembering the Head Boy and Girl meeting they had just had with Professor Dumbledore.

James leaped up onto one of the tables scattered around the common room and danced as if he was playing an electric guitar whilst yelling, "Lightning, lightning, lightning! Lightning, lightning, lightning! LIGHTNIIIIIIING!"

When he was finally finished – Lily thanked Merlin for the end of the song – he took a quick bow and launched himself onto the sofa which Isabel and Sirius were already sitting on and lay across their laps, smiling sweetly at Lily.

"So, we have an announcement to make, don't we Lily?" he grinned.

"Yes, and I wanted to make it as soon as we got in, but no, you had to run about singing songs from 'Grease' – I wouldn't have taken you to see it if I'd've known what would happen!" Lily moaned. "You're obsessed with musicals!"

"It's good to have interests!" James protested innocently whilst Isabel whimpered as he was leaning most of his weight on her.

"Anyway, let's forget about James' temporary insanity issues and announce our, um, announcement. We were just in a meeting with Professor Dumbledore and he wants to hold a Summer Ball in two weeks time, but he thought it might be slightly more interesting if instead of a band, we provide some alternate form of entertainment," Lily began. "I thought of a circus, but James, ever the mastermind, begged that we did a musical instead. Which Dumbledore accepted."

"Yippeee!" James cheered. Everybody turned to stare at him wearily.

"Does this mean we'll have to play the parts?" Isabel asked nervously.

"Oh boy yes!" James gabbled. "And I've had an idea of which musical we could do!"

"Dear Merlin," Lily repeated, this time choosing to deposit her head in her lap instead of banging it on the table, which, unsurprisingly, had hurt quite a lot.

"Let me guess... is it a self-penned musical entitled, 'Sirius Black the Sexy Beast'?" Sirius suggested, grinning obnoxiously.

"Who would waste valuable time writing that?" Remus quipped – and soon had a scarlet velvet cushion in his face, courtesy of Sirius.

"Andrew Loyal Webby, that's who," Sirius replied, sticking his tongue out childishly.

"I think you mean Andrew Lloyd Webber," Isabel pointed out, but quickly silenced herself when Sirius gave her a murderous glare.

"Anyway – we're going to do... Calamity Jane!" James clapped his hands together animatedly. "I've learned all the songs so it's going to be really easy, you just need to be given your parts!"

James delved into his pocket and produced six scripts.

"Are we doing an abridged version?" Remus asked, as he was handed a single sheet of paper, as was Peter.

"No – but you don't have any lines," James shrugged.

"Er, why?" Remus questioned, trying to work out what part he was by the stage directions on his script.

"Because you're playing the front end of the horse, and Peter is the back," James answered, before turning to Sirius and Isabel to hand them their parts.

"WHAT?" Remus shrieked, and James looked at him impatiently.

"Actors, never satisfied," he said sadly, ignoring every single one of Remus' protestations at the part given to him.

"BUT YOU'RE MAKING ME BE A HORSE!"

"Shut up, Moony," Sirius grinned cheekily as James handed him his script, which was an inch thick.

"You're going to be Karl Brown, an actor just blown in from Chicago–"

"What's Chicago?" Peter slowly asked.

"Boys... Chicagee's the biggest noise in Illinois..." James began, a huge grin forming on his face, whilst an irritated look formed on Lily's face simultaneously.

"No, James, don't!" she warned, but James was impervious to what she was saying and leaped up to a standing position, with his hands on his hips.

"I just blew in from the windy city, the windy city is mighty purdy but they ain't got what we got, no siree!" he sang tunefully, stepping up onto the table and dancing as if in a cabaret act.

"They got shacks up to seven stories, never seen any more the glories, but a step from our doorway, we got 'em for free!"

"What's James doing now?" a fifth year boy named Charlie Tanner asked in perplexity.

"Being incredibly idiotic," Lily answered as Sirius began clapping and cheering his best friend, who was stepping between all the tables, narrowly missing students' freshly-written essays and textbooks and almost knocking over a bottle of ink as he launched himself upwards to the chandelier and began to swing on it.

"I heard claim hundreds came, to a thing they call a baseball game..."

Practically everybody in the common room turned to Lily and concurrently quizzed, "What's a baseball game?"

"It's a muggle thing," Lily answered wearily, leaning back in her chair. However, her peace didn't last long as she would have wished it to because James had evidently decided, for his big finale, he was going to lean over Lily and sing the last few lines to her.

"I ain't 'a swapping half of Deadwood for the whole of Illinois!" he finished up, and jumped into the seat beside Lily.

"So... who wants to know their parts?" he concluded, and Lily hit him forcefully on the arm with her own script.

Thanks for reading! I hope you're finding it funny and not stupid - please if you have the time leave a review! Thank you,

:) x Lily Orange x (: