Calamity James

By Lily Orange

Ever since Lily took the Marauders and Isabel to see a musical at the cinema in the school holidays, they have become fixated on them; when Professor Dumbledore announces there is to be a school ball, James comes up with the suggestion that they perform a musical at it instead of having a band...

Chapter Three

Bless Yore Beautiful Hide

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"James – so let me get this straight," Isabel said in confusion as she, Sirius and their musical-mad friend walked down the corridor to their Defence Against The Dark Arts classroom. "You've changed the plot of the musical slightly – in the sense that Calamity Jane is no longer a Jane – she's a he?"

"Yes, we're renaming it Calamity James!" he replied as Isabel and Sirius exchanged bewildered looks.

"So who is playing the part of Wild Bill?" Isabel questioned – she knew a bit about musicals as she and Lily had watched their fair share at her house over the years, as Isabel's family, seeing as they were purebloods, didn't have a television.

"Well, Lily, but Wild Bill is now a woman called Wild Belinda!" James said excitedly. "I thought I'd put a spin on it, because, in my role as leading actor, cowboy extraordinaire and superb director, that's what we do!"

Sirius peered over the top of James' head and shared a look with Isabel that quite clearly said "Oh-my-Merlin-my-best-friend-is-a-strange-and-weird-maniac". She nodded and they carried on walking, until Sirius stopped abruptly, something else having come to mind.

"So – am I not playing Danny Gilmartin then?" he questioned in confusion.

"See, this is the genius part!" James said, putting his arm around Sirius' shoulder and leading him forward. "You're going to be Karl Brown, an actress from Chicagee," he began, putting on a really bad American accent that he'd attempted to copy from Doris Day – and not accurately. Sirius had a bit of a thing for Doris Day (to say the least) so was not pleased with this weird representation of her voice.

"Do not ever do that again," Sirius said slowly and clearly to allow his best friend to comprehend.

James shook his head, and continued nonetheless, in his accent that, to be honest, sounded like a bird squawking as it rolled down a hill, nothing like Doris' voice, "Karl Brown, an actor from Chicagee, and Isabel is going to play Danielle Martin, the girl you fall in love with!" Both Sirius and Isabel quickly blushed at the thought of this as they had been best friends since... forever. They looked at James, quizzical looks lacing their features.

"Don't look at me like that, you'll love it really – aw, look, it's Lily!" he exclaimed, his attention now firmly supplanted from the issue of changing the gender of all the parts in the musical to the object of his undying affections.

Lily heard him and looked around to see Isabel and Sirius standing still, both looking shocked out of their minds, and James bounding towards her with a gleeful expression on his handsome face.

"Lily, I do love you, you know! I love you so much, in fact... bless your beautiful hide, bless your beautiful hide, bless your beautiful hide, wherever you may be!" he began to croon, walking in circles around the rapidly flushing Lily and attracting students passing by en route to their classes to stop and watch what was happening.

"James, do not start this again!" Lily warned. "Anyway, are you trying to say I have a nice arse? Because that's what hide means!" she shrieked shrilly. James was oblivious.

"We ain't met yet, but I'm 'a willing to bet, you're the gal for me!" he carried on, unaware of all the students who had formed a circle round him and Lily at the junction in the corridors and were now quite late for their classes.

"James – stop it, people are staring!" she hissed in discomfiture, but to no avail, James was firmly planted in the land of musicals and there was no impeding him until he had finished his number.

"Bless your beautiful hide, you're just as good as lost. I don't know your name but I'm a-stakin' my claim, lest your eyes is crossed!" he chanted loudly, stopping his routine of circling Lily while he sang and now kneeling in front of her with a comical cross-eyed expression on his face. Lily would have laughed till she had tears rolling down her face if it weren't for the fact she was completely mortified. However – the students watching were completely captivated by the strange sight going on before them.

One second-year Ravenclaw whispered to her friend, "Is James on drugs?"

A first-year Gryffindor was watching intently until the cross-eyed expression and she seemed to find it harrowing rather than uproarious and ran screaming, pushing through the assembled crowd as if she was being followed by a Chimaera.

A fifth-year Hufflepuff was catcalling as James took Lily's hand and lifted himself back up to continue singing. "Oh, I'd swap my gun 'n' I'd swap my mule, tho' whoever took it would be one big fool, or pay your way thru cookin' school, if 'n you would say I do. Bless your beautiful hide; prepare to bend your knee, and take that vow, 'cause I'm tellin' you now, you're the gal for me!"

"James!" Lily pleaded for him to stop – it wasn't the first time he had serenaded her, even before this musical rampage he had started on, but he had never lasted so long, he normally began to laugh halfway through. Lily had to admit this was funny but as it so obviously involved her she was kind of humiliated, though in a strange way, she felt kind of happy that James had chosen to sing to her.

James let go of Lily's hand and began to walk around the edge of the crowd, examining different girls who were right at the front. "Pretty and trim but kinda slim, heavenly eyes but oh that size, she's gotta be right to be the bride for me!"

"What is going on here?" a piercing voice sounded from behind the assembled crowd. "Why precisely are you not all in lessons?" All the students turned to see who it was, just as James was dancing quite expertly around Lily, who was trying hard not to suppress a giggle. Through the crowd emerged an irate Professor Griffin, the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. He frowned when he saw James in the middle of his jig. "I thought it might be you, Mr Potter. Professor McGonagall warned me yesterday that you were acting... strangely. Can you please stop it now and proceed to your lessons? All of you?"

His menacing facial expression convinced all the students to move on but did not put an end to James' singing.

"Mr Potter!" he yelled impatiently as James took Lily's hand once more and looked deep into her emerald eyes before singing the last few lines of the song.

"Bless her beautiful hide, wherever she may be! Bless your beautiful hide, wherever you may be! We ain't met yet but I'm a willin' to bet you're the gal for me!" he finished, and then proceeded to grin bashfully at the blushing Lily in front of him.

"Thank you, Mr Potter, for being so romantic but please get to your lesson. You too, Miss Evans, Mr Black and Miss Willoughby," he said deprecatingly, watching the teenagers sprint off to their next class.

Song to this chapter was from a cracking musical called Seven Brides for Seven Brothers - I hope you're finding singing James as cute as I am ;) thanks for reading, please review!

:) x Lily Orange x (: