Chapter 4
He was sitting so close to Amira, their thighs were touching. If it were Christian, Syed thought, this casual, simple touch would develop, even in a public setting. Their legs would begin to subtly move and rub against each other, barely discernible to anyone else, yet enough to send the blooding pulsing through Syed's veins. Or one of them would brush against the other, a finger, an arm, a hand. Such touches provided them both with constant reassurance, connection and care. Yet with Amira, there was nothing. Just the pressure of her limb pushed against his, as anonymous as a stranger pressed up against him on a crowded tube and as impersonal as airport security, patting him down.
Sitting side by side with Amira gave Syed a good view of her crowded kitchen. Most of the younger residents of the square were there for the party, Lucy, Stacey, Roxy – Syed mentally checked off the names of the people he knew. And Christian. He was there too, talking to Roxy in the corner, standing upright, looking whole again.
Syed felt the corners of his mouth turning upwards as he looked at him. Falling for Christian had caused more complications in his life than he cared to think about, yet Syed didn't find Christian himself complicated at all. For weeks he had been Christian's main contact with the outside world, his daily visits bridging the gap between Christian's increasing isolation and the life going on outside the tiny studio. And he's got to know the man in all his guises - he'd witnessed Christian's mood swings, his nightmares, and his tears. For Syed, Christian's vulnerability was palpable, but those closest to him didn't seem to see it.
Neither Roxy or Jane seemed to have noticed Christian's fear of venturing outside the tiny flat. From what Christian said, their visits were brief and infrequent. Jane had once rung on the doorbell when Syed had been there - the two of them had been lying clasped on the sofa together, simply staring at each other, Christian's fingers gently marking patterns on Syed's cheek. When the buzzer had sounded Christian had sat up, startled, and begged Syed to get the door. Jane had come in, and, departed quickly on seeing Syed, merely saying: "Oh you've got someone here. Then I'm sure you're fine. See ya."
Syed had in turns bullied, cajoled and tempted Christian out of the flat, ignoring Christian's mood swings and refusing to be intimidated by Christian's sharp tongue. Laying a trail, he had persuaded Christian to follow him; "If you come to work, I'll be there." "If you go to the shops, I'll be waiting in the market". "Ring me when you've finished in the post office and I'll meet you in the caff for a coffee." And it had worked. Christian's confidence had returned as his wounds had faded and now, here he was, standing in Amira's kitchen, swigging vodka straight from the bottle, one arm draped round Roxy's neck, making her giggle as he whispered things in her ear.
Amira's voice drew Syed's thoughts back to the present. "Party games?" he questioned. Christian will think this is stupid, he thought. My fiancée is embarrassing me in front of my lover. Patting her knee briefly he moved over to the sink, nearer to Christian, as Amira explained the game: "You pull two names pulled out of the bowl and those two people go into the bedroom together and decide on a story that has happened to one of them. Then they both come back in and tell the story and we get to decide which one is lying." There was a general groan around the room but Amira was not easily daunted. She handed the bowl to Lucy who pulled out the first two names.
"We should do this," Christian whispered in his ear. "We get two minutes alone in the bedroom, and then everyone gets to guess which one of us is lying."
Syed allowed himself a glance at Christian's face, reading anger and hurt there. Their relationship had been conveniently hidden while Christian had been recovering, his reluctance to go out had meant they could avoid talking about what was happening, and what it meant. Cocooned within the four walls of his tiny flat, they had created their own world, where no-one could interfere. But now Christian was recovering, the old argument had begun again.
The game had begun, couples were spinning tales, and the group were listening half-heartedly. The problem was, Syed thought, they all knew the details of each others' lives so well, there wasn't much that was secret. Except for him and Christian. But that wasn't just a secret – that was lying. Lying – Christian's whispered voice echoed round in Syed's head. He looked over at Amira, flitting around the room, a bright smile on her face, gently cajoling people into action. He wasn't just lying to her, he was lying to Christian. And to himself. His eyes moved from Christian to Amira and back again. They stayed with Christian – his gaze running across the man's shoulders, then down his torso, muscles visible beneath his shirt to his snugly fitting jeans. And Syed knew he couldn't do it any more.
He heard his name being called. Lucy had pulled it out of the bowl. Amira was laughing, and he waited to hear which name Lucy would call out next. "Stacey!" she shouted.
"No," Amira interrupted – "Stacey's already had a turn. She can't have another go. Pull another name out."
Lucy complied: "It's you Amira," she said.
A general cry went up. "Boring!" "No couples!" "Can't leave you two alone in the bedroom – you'll never come out!"
Syed stole a glance at Christian. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, staring down at his hands, disinterested. Yet Syed knew he was following every word.
"They're right Amira, we shouldn't go together. Here, let me pick the name out – there must be someone else who hasn't had a go."
Syed reached his hand into the bowl and rummaged around. He pulled out a tightly wadded slip of paper, and opened it clumsily. He looked down at the name written on it and then up at the crowd of faces, now seemingly quiet and expectant.
"It's Christian," he said quietly.
"Christian?" said Amira. "That's crazy! What on earth are the two of you going to have to say? You haven't got anything in common!" She reached out for the slip of paper, but Syed dropped it back into the bowl and idly stirred the papers round with his finger.
"Look, if we're going to play this game, let's just get on and do it, shall we?" he said to her. "Christian, come on. Let's go."
Christian looked up languidly. Right, thought Syed, so this is where we're at. He's going to play hard to get. "Roxy," he said, turning and walking out of the kitchen. "Get Christian in the bedroom for me would you?"
Roxy looked up at Christian. "Go on babe, it's only two minutes of your life," she said.