Chapter 28: Forgiveness

The next four days were filled with arguing about timelines for demilitarization.

The three days after that set up tentative trade agreements. They arranged an exchange of things like steam power and heating and smelting for minerals that the Fire Nation had mined in the colonies, but were now under Earth Kingdom control. Zuko offered access to their efficient global communication system (the messenger hawks) and fast transportation with the navy and airships. The thought was that it was first of all a nice gesture, and secondly it would encourage trade and passenger travel.

Zuko realized that Arnook's turn to speak was approaching and that once the chief no longer had to hold his tongue, he would come down on Zuko with a vengeance. When it was so late at night that he was sure that he wouldn't be interrupted, he hesitantly pulled open the scroll that Jin had given him and studied how to apologize. There was a chant in a language that he didn't know that was accompanied by a drum that he didn't know how to play. Then he had to present a gift.

Finding a gift would not be a problem, but finding a gift that said, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. We will always keep her in our hearts. Could we please move forward together as friends?" was impossible.

He asked to speak to Hakoda and his children the next day, asking if this would be appropriate and if it would be a good idea. He was expecting them to be outraged or at least uncomfortable, but the unambiguous reaction was positive. Katara then devoted all her free time to teaching Zuko the chant.

Sokka appeared at his door that evening with a drum. "You sing. I play."

"Are you sure?"

There was something dark in Sokka's eyes. "It's more my fault she died than yours."

The next day they made plans to replant forests burned down by the Fire Nation, clean rivers polluted by factories, and remove soil contaminants. A great many scientists were brought in for consultation and schedules were drawn up and problem areas were identified. Aang was thrilled.

"What are you doing?"

The question startled Zuko so badly that he whipped around, bringing the fireball that he was practicing on over his shoulder, directly at the speaker. With a gasp and a spastic movement, he was able to pull his fire ball back before Jin was engulfed in flames.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" Her and her damned secret passage. It was an invasion of privacy!

She seemed completely unconcerned about her brush with death and took a seat on the couch to watch him. He studiously ignored her and set about re-forming his fire.

"What are you doing?"

His eye twitched in irritation and he focused on his fire until he realized that she actually did need to know. "I'm apologizing to Arnook."

Her eyes lit up with some emotion that he couldn't identify and he turned away from her to practice and ignore her. "I thought it was a chant. Not fire bending."

He growled. "Katara's helping me with the chant. But I also need to give a gift."

"And your gift is a fire ball?"

"It's not a fireball. It's a fish." He turned for her to see. And why was he showing her? He was ignoring her.

She squinted at it. "Where?"

Agni, he hated her. "Here's its head. And here's its tail. See it?"

She cocked her head to the side as if that would make the shape appear. "It needs fins."

He breathed and flicked his fingers so a flare appeared on either side.

"And make it narrower before the tail."

He managed to do that with another flick.

"Add a mouth."

A swift chop to the fire-fish's head and it opened up like a ramp into a Fire Navy ship.

"Much better. Can you make it more detailed? Maybe some eyes. Some scales."

He was sweating from the effort of forming the living fire into a discernable shape. It took a great deal of careful control and Jin was unknowingly asking a great deal. He took several deep breaths, visualizing his breath and forming it into fire – forming it into a living fish.

"Wow."

The figure sizzled out of existence as his stamina gave out. Jin filled a glass of water for him and he drained it quickly and rested a moment until he caught his breath. He had to admit that he had created a much better koi towards the end. He would need to practice until it came easier.

It irritated him beyond words that Jin had actually been helpful. He had even listened to her suggestions and everything. He was so whipped. He was Puppet boy.

Stupid Toph. Stupid Arnook. Stupid Jin.

He threw his shirt to the floor (completely ignoring Jin's wolf whistle) and spent the next twenty minutes practicing forming the shape. He was sweating profusely by the time he was able to create the fish within a few seconds and maintain it for a good long time. He hazarded a glimpse over his shoulder to see that Jin was still watching him curiously.

Didn't she have something better to do? Why was she even here? Didn't she know that he didn't want to see her? Didn't she know that her presence was distracting and he was working on something rather difficult? Well, it didn't matter, because (again) he was ignoring her.

He took another breather and drank some more water. Phase two of his plan involved getting the fish to swim. He felt Jin's eyes watching him as he carefully danced, every movement of his body controlling some subtle movement of the fish. It took a massive amount of concentration and the koi ended up moving much slower than he had pictured. He secretly decided that he liked it better that way. It took an hour and about a thousand tries before he was able to get the fish to circle his body three times, its tail swishing from side to side, its fins flicking.

He heard another "wow" from behind him. He did it several more times, and then had to take a seat and wipe the perspiration from his face and hands. He was getting tired, and it was getting harder, but he didn't have a lot of time.

The next phase was to control two fish simultaneously. He inhaled, and as he exhaled, he formed a fish in each of his outstretched hands. They both had heads, although they flickered between looking merely grotesque and looking absolutely monstrous. One formed a tail, and then they collapsed like dripping lava.

"Damn it."

He tried again. Inhale. Exhale. Oblong balls of fire with flares sticking out.

Inhale. Exhale. A well made koi in one hand and a shower of sparks in the other.

Inhale. Exhale. Something with a gaping mouth and something with legs.

Inhale. Exhale. Terrifying sea monsters.

"Arrgggg!" Fire erupted from his mouth and he stood trying to control his anger. He was angry at how difficult this was. He was angry at Arnook. He was angry at these stupid peace talks. He was angry at Jin. He was angry at himself.

Two arms wrapped around his sweaty chest, and a silken gown and silken hair pressed against his back. He shrugged her off without speaking or looking at her.

She held still for a moment before she reached for him again, only this time she held him tighter, with more self assurance. He stood there, breathing heavily, agonizing over everything that he had to deal with. Agni, he was so tired. He covered her arms with his own. He gave in to her yet again and took the comfort that she was offering.

"I don't know what to do" he murmured. "I'm so angry and yet I still feel…" His voice trailed off. He had never been very good at expressing himself.

She supplied the words for him. "You don't understand how you can still care about people who've hurt you, and you don't feel right being this mad at people you love."

He sighed and squeezed her fingers gently. "Yeah."

"You have a great many people to feel conflicted about. Azula and your father and your country… and me."

She expected him to say something, but he had no response.

"We mess up in life. Over and over and over again. But the great thing is that we have other chances. The great thing is that the people who really love us … they'll forgive us." Her voice broke at the end and he turned slowly to look at her. If he didn't know better, he'd say that she was about to cry.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered, pressing her sleeve against her eye. "I want to go with you. I want it with all my heart. I want to see your home, and the suite you decorated for me, and the library. I want to be with you. But … I just can't. I don't want to be Queen. I tried so hard to get out of it. How can I be a good Queen when I have no idea what I'm doing and when I don't really want to be here?" A tear flew down her face.

Oh Agni.

She was crying and he needed to comfort her. He needed to hold her and try to make everything better. Everything had to get better. It just had to. On instinct he grabbed her and pulled her to his chest. "Shhh. No." Her breath against his neck sent chills down his spine. "You're a great Queen. Look at how much you've already done. You're doing a great job. And of course you want to be here. You want to do good for people and make changes and you are so smart and talented. This is so much better than your wildest dreams."

She sniffled and lifted her face to look into his eyes. Another tear ran down her cheek. "Will you ever forgive me?"

In that moment it was so obvious. "There's nothing to forgive."

She broke down completely. Jin did not cry often, but when she did she went all out. She had heard (but never seen) that some girls cry silently, with single, perfect tear drops, and that their flawless tears made them beautiful. However, when Jin cried, it involved sobbing and wailing and a substantial amount of snot and shaking and gasping.

Zuko held her as she wept, one hand tangled in her hair, the other holding her tightly around the waist. He kissed her through her tears – wet, salty kisses. He kissed her and she cried and he kept on kissing her. Maybe he could bring her some comfort this way. Maybe he just missed holding her and he was doing it all for himself.

Even though she was broken and distressed, Zuko felt better with her in his arms than he had in weeks.

The next day they planned the rebuilding of the Southern Water Tribe. It would be Fire Nation funded and assisted, with a great deal of help from the Northern water benders.

The day after that was the Fire Nation's turn to provide the morning entertainment. As Zuko and Sokka ascended the stage the hall began to murmur, intrigued to see what the Fire Lord himself had to offer. The assembled dignitaries fell silent as Sokka settled into position and Zuko took several calming breaths. He could see Katara biting her lip, her fists in hopeful balls, praying for their success. The rest of the water tribe looked vaguely confused.

He closed his eyes as Sokka began to drum, not wanting to see the look on their faces as he botched one of their honored traditions and made a fool of himself. Goong, ki tak tak, goong tak tak. Goong, ki tak tak, goong tak tak. Goong tak tak, goong tak tak, goong tak tak, goong tak tak, goong tak tak, goong tak tak, goong ki tak tak. The phrase repeated, and he heard a murmur as people slowly recognized the cadence.

He breathed steadily as the cadence wrapped around again, preparing himself for the moment that he had to speak. Goong tak tak, goong tak tak, goong ki tak tak.

His voice was clear and carrying. He focused solely on matching his rhythm with Sokka and reciting the nonsensical words exactly as Katara had taught him, repeating each haunting line of melody exactly as he had done a hundred times over the past few days.

He was sorry. He was so, so very sorry. Goong ki tak tak.

He wished things had been different, had been better. But there was nothing to do about it now - nothing but to apologize and move forward and learn from his mistakes, learn from everyone's mistakes. Goong ki tak tak.

The chant came to an end, and just as they had practiced, Sokka shifted into a different cadence and Zuko crouched into a bending stance. Goong goong goongoong tak tak. A fish slowly formed in his right hand. Goong ki tak, goong ki tak, goong goong, tak tak. He moved slowly, bringing the koi around in front of him. Goong ki tak tak, goong ki tak, goongoong tak. Then the koi came around his back. Goong ki tak tak, goong ki tak, goongoong tak. It swam over his head in a lilting circle.

As the cadence began again, he added the second fish. With all his concentration, he danced slowly in time with Sokka, causing the fish to swim round one another. They circled each other in slow spirals, swimming in circles around his body, then out along the floor, then back again to ascend into the air. He was sweating and developing a tension headache, but even he was transfixed by the moving fire and noticed the fatigue much less than his previous practice sessions.

Goong ki tak goong. Goong ki tak goong. Goong ki tak goong. Goong ki tak goong. One of the fish flickered out of existence as one koi shimmered alone up into the air. Goong ki tak goong. Goong ki tak goong. It turned slowly, then paused and seemed to hang suspended for a moment before flitting away. Goong ki tak tak.

The was a moment of absolute silence in the hall, during which Zuko felt the panic rise in his throat.

Then the hall burst into applause. The Water Tribes were on their feet. Jin was smiling broadly. The Fire Nation contingent looked at him with renewed awe. They were the only ones to recognize what a difficult production that had been.

He paced slowly down the steps, toward Arnook, who was looking pale. The man suddenly seemed quite far away.

"What happens if he doesn't like my chant?"

Katara had waved him off. "He'll like your chant. Everyone will be impressed."

"But what if he doesn't?"

"Then he gets to kill you on the spot. But don't worry. He wouldn't do that. You're going to do great."

He pushed down his fears as he finally came to a stop in front of Arnook, who was staring at him with a crease in his forehead, as though he had never seen Zuko before. The man swallowed and lowered his gaze to the floor, shaking his head slightly as if to rid himself of bothersome thoughts. When he raised his head again, his eyes were filled with unshed tears.

He held out his hand and Zuko took it.

Then Arnook pulled him into a mighty embrace and the applause in the hall doubled. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you."