Thanks to OneRepublic for "Say", totally inspired by it. I think it's the theme song for Mike Newton. Thanks to Stephenie Meyer for everything Twilight, she invented it all, she owns it all.
"Here, take this pint from me, I am about to drop these biscuits," Jessica was bringing my breakfast up to the deck. I was surprised because we hadn't talked much in the past two weeks. I hadn't been specifically avoiding her, it just didn't matter that she was there when I knew that Bella was somewhere on this ship. This ship that used to be more of a prison than the floating heaven it had become.
"Oh, umm, thank you Jessica. What brings you out here this morning?" I knew she usually had a plan or a scheme behind everything she did. I suddenly had a sick feeling in my stomach.
"Calm down Michael, we just haven't talked in a while and I missed our routine. We've been out here for almost two weeks and you have hardly spoken to me, are we not friends?" I immediately felt chagrined. We are friends, and I hadn't been a very good one on this voyage. I spent almost every moment hoping to see Bella come on deck, or that I would have a reason to go to the passenger cabin, anything so that we could talk. I felt open in her presence, like a flower catching the first rays of light. I wanted to soak in every minute of her presence on this ship. She spoke to me like we had known each other forever. We would mention the weather or some trivial items, but mostly we would talk about things that mattered. We talked about our pasts. We talked about our families, the people we had known. She was fantastic at telling stories about the people in her father's congregation in England, and I would tell her versions of stories about sailors and people we had taken to the new world. My stories were usually much to harsh for the splendidly innocent and pure ears of my Bella. MY Bella, I was beginning to think of her that way and that was dangerous. My thoughts snapped back to the present and Jessica was still beside me.
"Jessica, what do you think of this group of passengers? Are they going to make it in the colonies? Any scoundrels I need to straighten out?" I elbowed her in the side a few times, teasing her a bit. There were usually several men on the boat who were more interested in Jessica's personal company than her cooking skills and I almost always had to frighten a few into leaving her alone. Her father never seemed to care and probably saw her more as an enticement to get more paying customers on the ship. So I was her protective big brother. If only she could see it that way.
"Oh this group if full of gems. Have you had a chance to meet Edward Cullen yet?"
"No, What's his story? Is he giving you a hard time?"
"No, he doesn't even know I'm on this ship. I knew you would be available for breakfast today because he is having breakfast with Bella Swan and her father." I immediately tensed up. Of course Bella could do whatever she wanted and I couldn't even begin to control her father. But I felt a wave of hot jealousy crash over my whole body. So this was why Jessica came up here this morning, to remind me of my place on this ship. "He is a young man looking for adventure in the new world, very hot headed if you ask me. He has a violin he is always playing and he is always hanging around Mr. Swan." I was practically crushing the hard biscuit I had in my hand. I would play into Jessica's little game, only so I could get more information.
"Really, why is that?"
"Oh no reason, I believe he has his eye on Miss Swan. I have overheard him mentioning to Mr. Swan, when no one else was around, that it would be a providential and equal match for him to marry Bella when we reach land."
"MARRY HER?" I was almost in a rage. I didn't even realize that I was standing over Jessica. "How can he assume that and talk about acquiring her like she is some livestock or piece of equipment?" This was awful and I felt a darkness creep over my heart.
"Who do you think you are?" Jessica snapped right back. "Don't you realize that you barely exist in her world? You are a curiosity, a way to spend time." She had a way of cutting me right to the bone with just her words. There was so much venom in what she said. How could she ever claim to care about me if she would say such things?
"Look Jessica, say whatever you want about me, but you have no right to accuse Bella of such flippant malice. All you know are rumors and spiteful assumptions that I will kindly ask you to keep to yourself from now on." I didn't want to hear another word. I flung my biscuit overboard and stormed off to the starboard side of the ship.
xxx
It wasn't until after lunch that I had a reason to go below decks, I did my best to be invisible and move around the edges of where people were. The last thing I wanted was to run into Bella, her father, and this Edward. I found them easily enough though; they were sitting around a small table in a corner. Mister Swan was telling some story, Bella was looking down at her lap and Edward was looking at Bella like a piece of food. I had seen that look before, when men were after Jessica, it made my skin crawl to see him looking at her that way and it took all of my strength to stay where I was. Mr. Swan asked Edward something and he reached around the side of a table and pulled out a violin. He began playing a song and Bella closed her eyes as she was softly swaying to the Melody, her father looked very pleased with the situation. I just stood there and stared. I felt like a fool, like every part of my guts were being untwined and pulled from my body. The song ended and Bella opened her eyes. She immediately caught my gaze. I saw her for a brief moment before I quickly turned and bound up the ladder to the deck. Was that embarrassment or guilt that I saw? Perhaps it was anger that I was checking up on her. I stormed to the bow and grabbed the railing as hard as I could. I didn't know how to control these emotions; I had never had them before. I had never had anything to be jealous of; I had never cared about anything beyond my own face.
Suddenly a small white hand delicately slid over my gruff weathered fist and I turned to see Bella standing beside me. She tilted her head, ever so slightly, and her bottom lip was sticking out, almost pouting. I wanted to reach up and brush my hand across her face, or turn and jump overboard, I don't know which was more compelling. Bella decided for me.
"Michael, I haven't seen you all day, I was just listening to a song one of the other passengers composed for his violin, I, I….?" She trailed off her sentence in a question. She looked so hurt, I can't imagine what the look on my face must be. I turned away and looked out at the ocean. It's all I knew and understood, depth, calm, storm, wind, waves; those were my true friends, my true enemies. That's the world I belonged to and knew.
"Bella, you have been so kind to me, I guess I was just caught up in a world I don't understand."
"Caught up in a world? Now I don't understand."
"I've never had friends or been concerned with social graces. I might know polite manners, but I've never needed to use them. I just took more from your pleasant company than I should have. I apologize." I just needed to find some way to release myself from this situation, and that didn't seem to do it. I still had an iron band wrapped around my heart with Bella inscribed on it.
"How dare you. HOW DARE YOU Michael Newton. I do not go around ships jovially tearing out pieces of my soul to share with anyone." She was yelling and gripping my forearm now as tight as she could, she was so fragile; her skin on my skin felt like it was about to burst into flames. In a whisper she said, "I felt like you understood me, like we had a connection. My friendship is honest and true. I am still a daughter. I still love my father. I cannot spend every moment on this ship with you. In two months time we will arrive and I will have to live with all of these other people, and you, you will just turn around and sail out of my life back to England, back to wherever you want. You have that luxury, I don't." Tears were streaming down her face now. Her arm went slack. "He has been kind to me and my father, he even wrote a song for me. But it means nothing other than friendship and even that is hollow compared to anything I have with you. I have to plan a life in America without a piece of my soul now-because that belongs to you." How could I have been so arrogant? I was so confounded by my self and by this moment in time, I hadn't considered the future. I had never cared about the future. The future didn't exist before Bella. I looked around to be sure we weren't noticed and I swept her into my arms. She collapsed against my chest and sobbed. She had so many emotions to release and I held her while she emptied all of her hurt, all of her anger, all of her loss and embarrassment. We must have been there for a full twenty minutes.
"I am so sorry, I didn't know- I didn't think- I just don't know how to do this Bella." I reached down and pulled a handkerchief from my pocket to hand to her. She wiped her puffy red cheeks and looked up at me with those deep brown eyes, penetrating every wall I had ever built around my self.
"There is no way to do this, no recipe, I just know I prefer your company above everyone. I want to know what you think more than anyone. I want to see you more than anyone." My heart had reached a limit that I could not have ever expected. I was surprised to find that when your heart reaches its limit a strange thing happens. It grows. I wouldn't call it painful but for some reason tears were now streaming down my face. I had never cried. Never. I quickly wiped my arm across my face and turned away. The tie around my hair had come loose and it was being blow all around by the wind. Bella reached up and so tenderly pulled her hands trough my long dark hair. I melted in that moment.
"Bella, I don't have that luxury. I have only one option in life. To be where you are, to protect you, to be at your beck and call." I stepped back and bowed to her. She giggled a bit at the action.
"How unexpected is this? Where do we go from here? My father will never..." She frowned and gently took one of my hands in both of hers.
"approve? I don't know what tomorrow holds. I can only know that for every moment from now, until the end of time, I will…" I was abruptly cut off when one of the deck hands came around the forward mast with a bucket of seawater and sloshed it across the deck. Bella jumped and I looked stunned to see that anyone else still existed in this new world. Everything was new to me now.
"Pardon me Miss, I didn't see you there, I'll just be on me way." He quickly ducked and turned around.
"I better get back to my father. He will think that I have fallen overboard."
"I would dive in after you." I smiled and looked at this incredible creature in front of me.
"Miss Swan, Miss Swan, ahh there you are. Your father requested that I seek after you to be sure that you were quite alright." It was Edward. I felt anger boiling inside of me almost immediately. "Is everything alright here?" He was approaching Bella and had her arm in his grasp. He looked me over as though I was a mangy street dog about to take a bite out of her.
"Thank you Mr. Cullen, I am perfectly fine, I just needed some fresh air suddenly and Mr. Newton has been kind enough to escort me on deck."
"Thank you crewman, I will take Miss Swan back to her father." I had been treated poorly in my life, but I had never heard so much disgust and malice all at once. "He awaits her below decks. I believe he has a matter to discuss with her." Edward smiled lasciviously at Bella and then looked at me as though he were issuing a warning. He had no right to touch her and I had no way to stop him. She turned and walked back towards the ladder with him. She threw a pained and confused glance over her shoulder and I stood there, totally stripped of my defenses. My soul was bare and Bella held my heart next to hers. How could I go on living if she had to give her heart to another? I wouldn't let that happen, I couldn't let that happen.
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