For you I will wake
Part Two: The Awakening
"Sulu!"
Sulu knew that voice so well his smile was more of an instinctive response than an actual voluntary movement of facial muscles. He was tired, but he hadn't quite been able to fall asleep and he'd been heading to the Mess for some warm milk when he heard his name. The replicator in his room had been ruined due to totally accidental causes that were in no way related to the fact that Chekov had tried to replicate a very weird Russian ingredient called kvass, and hadn't really succeeded. The reason Chekov had tried this in Sulu's room and not Chekov's own was that, curiously and by coincidence, Chekov's replicator was also malfunctioning.
"Sulu!"
Chekov was sprinting so fast Sulu wasn't sure the boy would have time to stop before they collided, so he walked wearily backwards, hands outstretched in mock-defence, until he felt the corridor panel press against his shoulder-blades.
"Sulu!" Luckily it was past three in the morning with night shifts during a rather uneventful diplomatic mission, so there was no one in the corridor for the teenager to collide with. "Sulu!"
"Yes, I can see you're running toward me, Pavel. Slow down."
With a comical last-second flailing of his arms to avoid falling, Chekov ground to a stop inches from his best friend's face. And he didn't back away, either, instead he bellowed excitedly. "It has 'appened!"
Sulu broke into a wide grin despite the uncomfortable closeness of being backed against a wall by his best friend, and didn't need to ask what had happened.
"Now? Just now?"
"I… am not sure. But we haf wictory!"
"Chekov, we lost, like, two weeks ago." Sulu chuckled, and they both started walking toward the Mess in mutual silent agreement.
"No, not ze bet. I don't really care about a bet. But I meen… aren't you so happy? Finally, a Keptan who is not distracted by his internal struggle to deny his true feelings! A Wulcan First Officer that can focus on logic again and not pine! Although of course Spock would never admit to that… And romance! It is exciting, yes?"
Sulu laughed. "Who told you?"
"Ah, here is what is interesting. Nobody."
"What?" Sulu stopped walking, eyes wide, and put his arm out to halt Chekov beside him. "Wait… you saw it with your own eyes?"
The young man's face positively radiated excitement.
"Yes." He said simply and proudly.
"Oh wow. You have to tell me what you saw!" They started walking again.
"Ze Keptan was pacing on ze bridge, he looked so troubled I was afraid wi finally broke 'im with the laughing… you know I cannot 'elp laughing when 'e kept saying 'no, no, I do not lof Spock!'" The impression was strangely accurate, except for the adorable accent, and Sulu smiled. "So 'e was sitting in his chair and so tired, Hikaru, just looking desperate and confused… his eyes conflicted, a dark expression on his face mixed with a little bit of incredulity, maybe, as though…"
"I get it, Pavel. What happened then?"
"Meester Spock came in. And you should af seen! The transformation! Not just ze usual softening of the eyes, but an actual, nervous smile! Oh, it was biutiful! And Meester Spock didn't go direct to his station without even glancing at Jim like always, you know, especially not looking at Jim, if you get my… well, instead he walked to him and… and then…"
The tension was killing Sulu. "And what?"
"Zey kissed!"
"No."
"Yes!"
"Oh my God, in front of everyone? But… that's not very professional, is it?"
"Well… it was a Vulcan kiss. And I didn't even know it was zat until Nyota told me."
"You spoke with Uhura before telling me?"
"She was there with me! We are ze ones who saw! And she's in ze Mess now with everyone, and Dr McCoy."
"So wait, I'm the last one to find out?"
"Well, yes, but zis all happened just twenty minits ago." Chekov checked his watch nervously. "It's three thirty in ze morning, Sulu, and I was coming to wake you, so really…"
"Okay, okay, it's fine. Thanks for telling me anyway. So they kissed, huh?"
"Spock held out two fingers like zis…" Chekov imitated the gesture in demonstration, extending his index and middle fingers. "And ze Keptan also… it was really fast, I wouldn't 'ave seen unless I was looking very carefully." Chekov gently took Sulu's hand and folded his ring, thumb and pinkie. "See? Like zis."
They touched and Sulu nodded, swallowing uncomfortably.
"Yeah, yeah I see. Oh look, there's everyone. Hey everyone!"
And he ran away into the Mess, cursing under his breath.
Dr McCoy and Uhura were sitting at a table absolutely surrounded by people. Apparently the fact that they should be sleeping hadn't stopped everyone from gathering there (and in under half an hour, which was quite impressive, or so Sulu thought). Nurse Chapel and Helen Noel were speaking excitedly next to a group of Engineers, including Charlene Masters who was laughing at something Scotty'd just said and organising the placing of new bets, and a group of blue-clad science officers, including Lt. Rodriguez, Marlena Moreau, and Karl Jeger, were deep in discussion with Chief of Security Giotto and two of his men.
"Chekov! You got Sulu, that was so thoughtful!" Ensign Rand crooned, her tall and particular hairstyle making her easily recognisable.
"Of course." Chekov said, slightly puzzled as to why this was a notable accomplishment. Sulu ignored her and tried to reach the table at the very centre.
"So the only witnesses were Chekov, you…?" McCoy was asking Uhura.
"Marlena was there too, and Rand. I mean, the Captain wasn't even supposed to be on duty, I just figured he must have been having another one of his I'll try and see if sleep-deprivation works to cure me of my Spock-craving days." The doctor snorted and Uhura giggled. Then she noticed Sulu. "Hey, Hikaru. Where's Pavel?"
"Here!" Chekov jumped.
Uhura smiled even wider and motioned for them to come closer.
"So… what do you think?"
"Wait, I wanna know who won the pool!" Sulu said suddenly, remembering why they'd all become obsessed with this in the first place.
"Well, we don't really know when it happened, and it's not really… official yet, Sulu. Nyota has a theory." McCoy said, motioning for her to continue. The gaggle of people around them quietened, and Uhura began to speak in her sweet, clear voice.
"It's true, I do have a theory regarding this new development. As we all know, two days ago Jim and Spock left the bridge and we were sure that was it, that finally they'd argue until it all reached the boiling point and we'd all be able to work normally again."
Everyone nodded.
"But they came back more or less the same, at least on Jim's part. If anything, he looked even more freaked."
More nods.
"And now this, without a catalyst? Just out of the blue? My theory is that something has definitely happened. I just don't know… what, exactly. Spock would… I…" and here, just for a second, her smile was slightly more forced. "I'd be able to tell if Spock really was that happy."
McCoy put his hand on her shoulder, in an unusual display of gentleness.
"So… they might have tried to turn this on us?" Sulu asked incredulously, while Chekov said "Then this is all a lie?"
Murmurs of disappointment filled the Mess, until a sharp sound silenced everyone; Scotty had clapped his hands. "Come now, don't ye worry lads and lasses. We have a new advantage now, and we can still fix this, even completely."
"What advantage?" McCoy asked sceptically.
"Ach, see, they don't know we know they know we know."
In the silence following this statement, Rand raised her hand. "I'm confused."
Chapel rolled her eyes. "Mr Scott obviously means we can turn this on them, since they think they've fooled us. But they haven't." If at first the nurse had been slightly heart-broken to find her impossible love of the science officer was unrequited, it didn't show anymore.
"Exactly." Scotty smiled broadly. "So are we agreed it's still on?"
There was a chorus of 'Yes's.
"Ooh, does this mean we can have some fun with them?" Marlena asked, a wicked glint in her eye.
"Eh… if you're being respectful and in keeping with the pre-established rules, I cannae see why not."
The Rules had been set after the Accidental Hand-Holding Fiasco of the 24th of August. They mostly had to do with meddling and interfering in the relationship, and, of course, the preservation of the Enterprise. While on duty it was forbidden to distract the Captain or the First Officer in any way, and if the mission was particularly gruelling or challenging, the topic was on-hold indefinitely. Mr Scott, for some reason, had ended up becoming the enforcer of said rules, as he was very concerned for the safety of the Starship and it's correct functioning. There were rumours about Scotty and his secret burning passionate love, too. He spoke to her with a tender care he never used with anything or anyone else, it was mystifying to watch, the force of his devotion would even keep him up at nights, take up all of his free time… everyone was currently flying on her.
But Uhura stood up. "Wait, Marlena. I don't want Spock under more stress than necessary. Nor Jim, of course, although they've both performed amazingly well given the… situation, and our attitude, which I have to admit has been kind of… annoying? I don't know, anyway, much as I like driving James Kirk slowly insane, I propose something else for this next stage."
"And what's that, Nyota?" McCoy asked, just a little bit afraid (but also looking kind of… awed).
"A plan of our own, of course."
*
"Do you think it's working?" Jim murmured quietly in Spock's ear, and then watched that ear become greener and greener. It was kind of cute, actually.
"I am… I remain uncertain."
Wow, a rephrasing. Spock's concentration must really be off today. Jim smirked.
They were sitting at an observation deck, much closer than either of them was comfortable with, but of course that was the point. It hadn't occurred to Jim or Spock that no one else was there, ergo without witnesses this was rather useless.
Or hadn't it?
"Seriously? I totally caught Chapel glaring at me. She's jealous." It filled Jim with glee and a strange sort of pride, that Spock was his. Not really, not ever, obviously this was all just pretend, but still…
Jim had come to a very strange state of mind since he and Spock had decided to 'fake it'. Because that was what they were doing, of course. The half-Vulcan had used a lot of long words and convoluted sentences to say it properly, but Jim had gotten where it was headed about half-way through the explanation, which had sped things up considerably and saved some time.
This new, delicate balance of Jim's feelings wavered between denial (he was great at that) and a sort of grudging acceptance of the fact that, well, Spock was hot (in more ways than one, hee hee), and Jim was more or less okay with pretending to date a really hot guy who also happened to be his half-Vulcan first officer. As long as it stopped the crew from driving him insane with their wide smiling, Jim had decided he would live.
And although it was also slowly and sweetly killing him with confusing jumbled emotions, Jim liked spending time with his friend; the only physical contact they'd had so far was the one Vulcan kiss, which Spock had said Uhura would immediately recognise.
An ugly annoyance clouded Jim's features at that thought, but he pushed it away quickly. Heh, maybe he should become a Vulcan and learn about the teachings of Surak, he was getting great at emotional suppression.
"Jealous?"
Jim was started out of his reverie. "What?"
"You say Nurse Chapel feels… jealousy toward you? Are you implying that is because she wishes to have me as you do?"
Jim's heart lurched. "Uh… yeah, that's it, more or less. Of course she doesn't know I don't really… have you." Now why had he felt the need to add that last sentence? What purpose did it serve? "Not that… I mean, I don't… I…" And why was he still talking? Shut up, Kirk, shut up right now.
He did.
Thankfully Spock ignored his little crazy moment and chose to say something else.
"We should perhaps imply our relationship is sexual in nature, so as not to arouse suspicion."
Guh.
Jim's brain stuttered to a stop due to overuse, panic, stress, and the task of sending hormones raging through him every ten seconds while simultaneously ignoring their effects on his anatomy.
"Jim?"
"Could you… maybe say that again? Slowly?"
"I said, we should, perhaps, imply our relationship-"
"No, no, you know what? I take it back, it's okay, I don't need to hear it again."
Spock's raised eyebrow managed to say "I hear the words coming out of your mouth, they don't make sense, and if I don't understand them they must be a testament to your stupidity, oh, and also, I'm way smarter than you" without him actually having to utter a word.
Jim let his head drop onto the half-Vulcan's shoulder in pure exhaustion. It was nice and warm.
"Spock, what exactly are you suggesting?" He said finally.
"Perhaps you could sleep in my quarters tonight. I would be willing to offer my bed, as I am not tired presently and would prefer to work while you rest."
"Oh." He was strangely numb. "Okay. Thanks."
Spock turned to look into Jim's eyes. "You are certain this is a good idea?"
"Hey, you're the one who came up with it." And without bothering to think about it, Jim nuzzled closer into Spock's neck. A far away part of him registered the hollow at Spock's shoulder seemed rather ideally made for him, and how cute it was that Spock was amazingly uncomfortable with all this contact, when Jim wasn't uncomfortable at all…
*
"Jim."
Spock's hands had sunk into his hair and were making soothing circular movements that did wonders for Jim's headache. He smiled with his eyes still closed, noting how his cheek was now resting against Spock's neck and his nose brushing Spock's jaw.
"I could kiss you, I swear."
He woke up soon after that. Blinking in surprise, he realised what he'd just said.
"Shit! Spock, I'm sorry, I didn't… mean…" But a warm finger on his lips stopped him, and Jim opened his eyes frantically to search Spock's face for any signs of… anything, really. But Spock's face was a cool mask again, and this meant one thing and one thing only: they weren't alone.
Jim looked around the observation deck, but it was quiet. "Spock, what-?" He began to whisper, and Spock shook his head and motioned to his ear.
Jim liked that ear. All pointy but soft, kind of like Spock.
Wait, he was getting distracted. God, this little sleep had done more harm than good, now he felt alert but exhausted and he wasn't sure how much time had passed.
"What?" Jim whispered.
Spock would have rolled his eyes if he could; instead the half-Vulcan seemed to settle for appearing exasperated at his Captain's dim wits without moving a muscle.
"I'm so sorry, but I don't have super-hearing." Jim said sarcastically.
"Someone is coming, I thought perhaps this would be a good moment for a more… human interaction." And, again without so much as the twitch of an eyebrow, Spock's expression changed and became was uncertain, even tentative.
Suddenly Jim was electrically awake.
He could hear the steps too, coming closer, and a million things seemed to claim attention in his mind at the same time but he ignored all of them, registering only how very close Spock was, because speaking quietly apparently meant breathing the same air, and it would take a very small movement indeed for him to close that distance…
But Spock moved away, dropping his eyes to his lap. No! Jim's body screamed, but Spock was shifting farther along the bench, a look in his eye Jim didn't understand, and Jim heard the hiss of air that signalled the automatic door was about to open, and he grabbed at the fabric of Spock's shirt and tugged with all his strength until their lips meshed together.
Oh God, this was the moment, that moment everyone seemed to talk about but Jim had never quite felt himself. And it was beautiful and terrifying at the same time, and it was also amazing, because suddenly and with brutal clarity, Jim knew.
He was devouring Spock's lips hungrily, only to be met with equal force and warm hands that held his shoulders and brought him even closer, and a part of him could almost hear his heart breaking because this wasn't real and yet it was, it was so real it was the best thing to ever happen to him, by far the best, Spock was delicious and strong and Jim, Jim loved him.
"Jesus Jim, have mercy!"
The familiar rough voice brought it all crashing down.
Jim let go of Spock's shirt and looked at away immediately, not even daring to glance into this dark chocolate eyes in case he spilled his new secrets.
Curiously though, amidst the storm, he found at last some peace of mind, because if there was one thing Jim hated, that was not knowing things, even things about himself, and now, at least, the confusion was over.
With a quiet sigh only Spock heard, Jim turned to McCoy and bravely plastered a wide grin on his face. "Didn't hear you come in, Bones. We were just stargazing." He said, then decided he had nothing to lose, and teasing his best friend was always fun, so he nipped Spock's ear, keeping his eyes on the poor doctor.
"Stargazing? Is that what you kids are calling it these…? Ugh, Jim! I'm serious, please! Don't…! Stop that!" McCoy put a hand over his eyes and stumbled backwards as though someone had shot him with a phaser set to kill. It was very dramatic, Jim thought with some amusement, and felt better instantly. At least he could still bounce back with ease.
"Stop what? This?"
He did it again, taking his time to lick the earlobe and bite the very pointy tip, but careful not to hurt Spock. A sudden sharp spike of arousal shot through him, but oddly it didn't seem to come from his own body, and it was gone an instant later. Jim was left feeling it's aftermath very keenly. What the…?
"Jim. I come in peace, please. I need to talk to you both, okay? Just… stop it."
"Fine. You're such a cry-baby, sheesh."
Jim slid away from Spock, who didn't move an inch, as though he'd become a statue that was part of the bench they sat on, hands making an indentation in the wood.
"What's up, Bones?"
"I know you two are lying."
Jim's jaw dropped, and he focused his attention completely on McCoy since the man had come inside.
"What?"
"We all do. Everyone knows."
"I… don't… what are you talking about?"
"Jim, everyone knows you're faking it. You're not really together."
"How… who…?"
"Nyota figured it out. She actually suggested I tell you, out of pity, mostly, I'm afraid."
"Uhura knows too?"
"I did say everyone knew. Twice."
Jim groaned. "Oh come on! I can't catch a break, can I?"
McCoy walked over until he stood in front of them, and lowered his voice. "I'm helping you, okay? At least now you know we know you know we know you know."
"… what?"
"I believe the doctor is employing the use of his scarce vocabulary to convey his sympathy for our 'cause' so to speak." Much like it had been that time in Jim's room two days ago, Spock's voice now lacked a total inflection, and sounded disturbingly robotic, unlike his usual tone.
"You see right through me, don't you? You green-blooded hobg-"
"Bones. What do we do now?"
"Jim, you can be a narcissistic jackass with no self-restraint, no instinct of self-preservation, and a raging god-complex."
"I love you too, honey."
McCoy rolled his eyes. "But you've always been my friend. So I'm helping."
"… thanks, Bones." Jim managed a small, honest smile.
"With one condition."
Of course.
"Let's hear it."
"No kissing, no… demonstrations of any kind. Please, at least not in front of me, I like sleeping at night, I enjoy the little sanity I have left."
Jim opened his mouth to ask why they would demonstrate anything when McCoy already knew that their torrid love-affair wasn't real, but Spock was faster. The half-Vulcan stood up in an abrupt, tense movement.
"Dr McCoy, you clearly remain confused as to the authenticity of the relationship that exists between myself and the Captain. Perhaps I can clarify this for you: we only adopted this ruse in order to draw focus away from our alleged feelings. There are no feelings between us. There is nothing, in fact, between us."
Jim's heart slowly stopped beating and he felt himself grow colder, and numb, and afraid of the pain that would hit when the numbness disappeared. Spock's voice gained volume and emotion, the word 'nothing' was practically a snarl or disgust.
"The feelings that you all imagine do not exist. We are tired of hearing nonsense coming from you and the rest of the crew, doctor, tired of dealing with a bunch of incompetent mindless individuals who cannot even discern between reality and fiction." He was very, very angry, and Jim hurt. "It is ridiculous and irrational and above all, it is the most illogical hypothesis I have ever heard, so there is no reason why the Captain and I would express romantic physical affection outside of this scheme which is only operative in order to shut you all up!"
Ow.
Oh ow, this… this was... ow.
Curiously, McCoy looked relatively unfazed, but Jim was feeling a kind of ache he'd never felt before, and he'd rather take on a hundred red ice monsters from Delta Vega than experience another minute of it.
He stood up and left, quite simply because he knew he couldn't look at Spock without bursting into tears, and if there was one thing James T. fucking Kirk didn't do, that was cry, dammit!
"Jim!"
To Jim's utter horror and surprise, it was Spock who called out to him. Like the stupid idiot that he was, Jim stopped walking right in the doorframe, but didn't turn around.
In an instant Spock had run over to him and stood in front of him. The mask seemed to be back in place, but it wasn't quite as comfortable nor as calm as usual.
"I would like to apologise if I said something that offended you. That was not my intention. Do you accept my apology?"
Jim just nodded mutely.
"Thank you. I am in dire need of meditation, and perhaps rest, too." The pleading tone Spock's voice had taken mollified Jim more than the actual words he said. "Vulcans are not comfortable with lying, and this entire situation is very… unusual for me. My sincere apologies, again. I did not mean the… insults. I trust and respect every member of the crew, even Dr McCoy."
"Gee, thanks, Spock." Came the voice behind them. But McCoy didn't sound offended at all. Jim was left wondering what it was about Spock's speech exactly that had sliced through him like that.
"You are welcome, doctor." The half-Vulcan didn't even glance backward. "Jim. I admire and respect you. You are a very capable Captain, intelligent, if sometimes irrational, and brave." Spock's hand reached tentatively toward him until it was resting on Jim's shoulder, very warm and comforting, and Jim found to his huge surprise that he was smiling. "Please… please forgive me."
"Of course I do, Spock. Forget about it."
Those eyes. Those dark, smouldering, beautiful eyes. How had Jim done it? How had he denied everything he was feeling for so long? He was kind of impressed with himself, actually.
"Perhaps tonight we might discuss our strategy further? And I shall meditate to avoid future outbursts like this one." Shame and regret dripped from every word Spock said, and Jim realised he'd live with this unrequited love thing and deal with it like the mature adult he totally was, because more than anything he wanted to keep Spock as a friend.
"Sure, if I don't disturb you that's a great plan. Plus, I bet they're not expecting us to have sex!" He punched his first officer playfully, hoping to produce a small smile or at least one raised eyebrow.
Success on both counts! Yes!
"Well, we would be creating the illusion of sexual intercourse occurring in my quarters. We would not actually…"
"Yeah, yeah that's what I meant, of course."
"I see."
"Yeah."
…
Watching them oogle each other like that, red and green blushes in place, McCoy was tempted to just yell "Denial much?" and see what happened.
People, it's growing. I can't help it, they just keep doing stuff I don't tell them to, and now it's gotten a little bit bigger than I originally intended. You can expect a Part 3, already in the works, maybe even Part 4 (although hopefully not).
Oh, and the angst-meter will go down after this chappie, I promise :)
Also, hurray for the crew as rabid fangirls! I keep getting this urge to write myself into this as an instigator! But I'm afraid fic!Me would just march up to Kirk, say "Spock loves you, go jump him right now" and that would be that.
Reviews are my drug.
Indulge the addict.