Disclaimer: All characters are borrowed from JE, the title is borrowed from Bon Jovi
Warning: Just language, no spoilers
Thank you all so much for your great feedback, if I forgot to reply to you in person, I apologize, I appreciate every single review!
A special Thank you to Stellar Stayce who helped me front, back and center with this chapter. I owe you Babe!
Keep the Faith
Chapter 13
It took a moment for me to process what he'd said. Or rather how he'd said it. 'Sit down'?
I finally felt like I was in control of my body again, but I was not going to walk over to the couch and sit down. Oh no. I felt much more inclined to slap him, actually.
"You haven't answered my question, what are you doing here?" somebody said. It must have been me because Ranger's eyes widened marginally and he hadn't said anything. I just didn't recognize the voice or the calm tone.
Somewhere between the time I was crying on the floor and he picked me up and the dinner we shared, Tank's words must have sunk in.
I was done feeling sorry for myself and I was done begging. And I definitely wasn't going to let Ranger order me around.
I narrowed my eyes and put my hands on my hips. "Didn't you just tell me less than 24 hours ago you wanted to stay away from me?"
"That was before I found you necking with my right-hand man. He can't be objective guarding you, I'm taking over," Ranger said and I could feel his anger just beneath the surface, carefully controlled.
"Christ Steph, Tank?" He raised an eyebrow. "I understand you wanting to pay me back, but Lula? Does she deserve a friend like you?"
I gasped in surprise, I couldn't believe he'd said that. Had he been standing any closer, I would have kicked him. He had some nerve questioning my loyalty to Lula! And he couldn't have come up with a lamer excuse for sending Tank away.
Probably I should have cleared up the misunderstanding right there, but I was too furious. I was looking for something to hurt him back.
"Tank is there for me when I need him," I hissed through clenched teeth. "Which is more than I can say for you."
We both knew that was a lie, but I didn't care. I glared at Ranger, silently challenging him.
The only sound was a low growl, and at that moment I didn't know if it had come from Ranger or from Bob, it had sounded feral, wolf-like.
I barely saw Ranger move before I felt my body being pulled forward and I slammed into his chest. He held me so tight I almost couldn't breathe and crushed his mouth to mine, kissing me with a ferocity I'd only experienced once before.
I opened my mouth without thinking and as much as I wanted to resist, as soon as he started stroking my tongue with his, my whole body tingled and I fisted his shirt with both hands.
Images of me ripping Ranger's clothes off and pushing him onto my bed flashed before my inner eye and I moaned into his mouth.
Ranger's response was another growl, and this time there was no doubt who it came from as I could feel his chest vibrate with it and a coil of heat exploded in my belly and traveled south.
His hands held me flush against him and I could feel his reaction to me press into my abdomen, there was no doubt he was as excited as I was.
He deepened the kiss and my toes curled up. I was starting to pull on his shirt to get him naked, beg him if necessary to take me as hard as he could.
And then that annoying new voice spoke up. Well, it was actually more like a scream and it snapped me back into reality. The voice had a name, too, it was my pride.
I found the strength to release Ranger's shirt and splay my hands flat on his chest, then I pushed as hard as I could until he took a step back.
His eyes were dilated black and his breathing was erratic. I didn't fare much better and had to take a moment to bring my heart rate down.
"No Ranger," I said when I trusted my voice not to break and my body not to throw itself at him. "You don't get to pick the parts you like and keep them. You want me, you have to be ready to be mine. This back and forth isn't working for me. Come back and stay or leave for good, nothing in between will work for me."
I really didn't know what I meant by that, the words just tumbled out. I was still thinking naked Ranger and had a hard time holding on to the pride thing. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew it was exactly what I felt.
"Dammit Stephanie, we've been over this." He took a deep breath and let himself fall back onto the couch. "You don't get it, do you?"
He closed his eyes and rubbed his chin with his palm. He looked tired. At that moment, I wanted to forget we were fighting because of his stupid decision, I had to force myself not to wrap my arms around him.
Instead I walked over to the couch and took a seat next to him, very careful not to touch him.
"Why don't you explain it to me then? What I get is that I can't have you and you don't want me to have anybody else." I said, still trying to keep calm. I was itching to scream and flail my arms, nothing like a denied orgasm to get my temper going.
Ranger opened his eyes and took a deep breath. "In the first place, you already have me. And you know it. And secondly, if you were to have another man, I'd hope it wasn't my best friend."
I was trying to determine whether he was trying to tell me he was jealous or just inconvenienced. Did he think Tank was too good for me or not good enough? I hated it when his remarks could be interpreted ten ways from Sunday. And what was this 'you already have me' shit?
I was about to ask him what exactly he had meant and comment on his attitude when I felt the sub I had for dinner rise up in my throat. My stomach cramped as I jumped up and raced towards the bathroom.
I made it just in time and crouched down, losing my dinner and parts of my lunch. I flinched when Ranger gathered my hair and held it back, but I was too sick to protest.
Even after my stomach was empty, I kept gagging until my stomach muscles hurt. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd hurled, and it certainly wasn't anything like this.
When I was finally able to stop and take regular breaths, Ranger pressed a wet washcloth into my hand and helped me up. He didn't say a word as he filled my water glass and handed me my toothbrush, he just made sure I could stand on my own two feet and left.
I knew he cared for me, he always had. I stood at the counter, staring at the door he'd just closed and thought again how he was making our lives so complicated for no reason at all.
I was sure that's what had triggered the vomiting, too. I'd had too much stress and drama the past days, probably my body was raising the white flag.
After I'd brushed my teeth I took a long hot shower to clear my mind. Had Ranger been serious when he said he'd taken over for Tank? More importantly, had he meant what he said about why he'd sent Tank home? No, I decided, it had sounded too contrived. I didn't doubt that seeing me with Tank had affected him, I just wasn't sure just how.
My stomach clenched again and I took that as a sign to stop thinking. Ranger was giving me ulcers!
I didn't turn off the water until it turned cold and by that time, my head was fogged from chlorine steam and I was glad to be numbed.
Ranger was stretched out on my bed when I opened the bathroom door and he jumped up when he saw me.
"You okay?" He asked and I could hear the concern in his voice as he came over to me. I almost collapsed into his arms, suddenly my legs were unable to carry my weight and I berated myself for being the damsel in distress once again.
"I'm just tired," I croaked as Ranger wrapped an arms around my waist and led me over to my bed.
"You're also white as a sheet," Ranger told me, running his hand down my face. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead as he gently pushed me down. "And cold as ice," he said.
As much as I'd been ready to tell him I never wanted to see him again an hour ago, I was glad he was with me. I found it hard to keep my eyes open, I was totally exhausted.
Ranger pulled the covers over me and left the bedroom. He came back a minute later and handed me a can of ginger ale.
I took it gratefully and almost emptied it in one long pull. My throat felt like it had been sanded and the coolness soothed it some. He took the can from me and pushed me back into my pillow, then he pulled off his t-shirt, opened his belt and lost his pants, and wordlessly climbed into bed with me as if nothing had ever happened.
I meant to protest, really, but I couldn't come up with anything to say, it felt too good to be close to him. "Thank you," I murmured, closer to sleep than to consciousness, and I wasn't sure what I thanked him for or why.
He didn't respond, he just draped his arm around me and pulled me towards him. His hand on my stomach felt warm and soothing and I don't remember anything after that, just his breath on my skin and the feeling of warmth and security and how well our bodies fit together.
When I woke up, all warm feelings were gone. I had about a second to come to my senses, then I had to untangle myself from Ranger and rush to the bathroom.
I didn't know what time it was as I was searching for Ralph yet again, I just notice that it was still dark because I hadn't bothered flicking on the lights. And I didn't hear Ranger come in, he just suddenly held my head and pressed a washcloth into my hand again.
I had the bitchy thought of asking him why he was being nice to me as he helped me up afterwards, but that was ridiculous. Ranger had taken care of me long before we became a couple, he would probably continue long after we broke up. I wanted to scream.
"I'm okay," I assured him when the room stopped spinning and picked up my toothbrush. I was still nauseous, but since there hadn't been anything in my stomach to begin with, I had to be done with barfing, right?
When I looked up, he was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. He was dressed only in black boxers which made it hard for me to concentrate on his face. His body was best described with 'perfect'. And my mind really needed a distraction after feeling crappy.
"It may have been something you ate," he said. I nodded, although I didn't think so. I got hit by these waves of nausea, but after I was done gagging, I always felt fine. Well, better. A bit weak and shaky from the effort, but not nauseous. If I had to venture a guess I still would have said Ranger was the cause.
"Maybe," I said vaguely.
"I'm gonna stay with you until you feel better," Ranger announced. My hand holding the toothbrush froze. Was that what I wanted? Did I want Ranger to stay with me out of pity?
"I am feeling better," I said, answering my own question with a resounding 'no'. Ranger didn't want to be with me any more than I wanted him here for the wrong reasons.
"Besides, Lula will be here soon. She'll take care of me."
"Babe."
There it was. This one syllable that could say so much. Did he know what this one word could do to me, one way or another? It could get me angry or happy or horny or sad or…it was weird.
"Really, I'm fine," I said, squeezing toothpaste on the brush. "Probably some stomach bug. I had take-out last night."
Ranger still hadn't moved by the time I had washed my face. I knew what he was doing, we'd played this game often in the six months we'd been a couple. It always drove me crazy. Ranger would just look at me without saying anything, I'd do all the talking.
But I was too tired for the game now. I just sighed and brushed past him back to bed. A glance at the alarm clock told me it was 5:30.
"How long has this been going on?" Ranger asked. He had turned around to face me, but he hadn't come back to bed. And I couldn't ask him to come, the most I could do was not protest.
Ungh. Mental head slap. I was driving myself insane.
"How long has what been going on?" I was tired and exhausted from puking my guts out, I didn't know what he was referring to right away. And at the moment, I was trying to get the covers just right, so I almost jumped when Ranger took my elbow to get my attention.
"The Stephanie I know can eat like a horse and not get sick."
"Actually, horses have very sensitive stomachs," I said and Ranger's grip on my arm tightened.
"Nothing's going on." I said. "The last couple days have been a little hectic." When I said it out loud it didn't make much sense. My life was always hectic.
But I really just wanted to get back to sleep and forget all about it.
Ranger released my arm when I lowered myself onto the bed. I couldn't see his face clearly in the shadows but I was pretty sure he was glaring at me.
"I'll be good as new once I get enough sleep," I said, yawning for emphasis. "You don't have to stay."
Truth was, I didn't know if I wanted him to stay or not. Well, okay, I knew I wanted him to stay, but I wanted him to laugh and tell me what an idiot he had been to think he could live without me and then snuggle up and…he wouldn't even have to use the word idiot. Just as long as he came to his senses.
And to help his senses, I held out my hand until he took it, and then I pulled him down towards me, and he got the message and slid under the covers next to me. Okay, fine so I did want him to stay. If he didn't want to admit he'd been wrong, I could accept us not talking about it and pretending nothing had happened.
I knew I was over-simplifying, but it felt too good to have him drape his arm around me and pull me close. I leaned back my head to rest it on his shoulder and fell asleep immediately, although I would have sworn I'd stay up thinking and wondering.
The next time I opened my eyes, I was alone in my bed. I tried not to feel disappointed and assessed how my stomach felt before I stretched and yawned. Yep, I'd been right, some sleep and I was good as new. Or would be, anyway. I was sure of it.
I listened into the apartment but I couldn't hear anything. Good, so Ranger had left. And since there had been no threat from Guzzarella, I probably only had one Merry Men watching me from the parking lot.
But instead of being happy at having one problem less, I felt cold and alone. Damn Ranger! When had he snuck into my life and made himself indispensable? Of course I knew the answer. And if I was honest, I had to admit I wouldn't want it any other way, which was exactly why I had such a hard time grasping Ranger's logic.
And now, instead of enjoying the time I could spend with him, I pushed him away. I had a feeling I was done fighting. If he didn't want me, I had enough pride left to let him go. The only problem was, my pride always left as soon as I saw or touched him.
I sighed and hit the pillow next to me while I turned, then I buried my face in it and inhaled Ranger's scent. Damn him and his shower gel!
When I finally sat up, I saw the mug sitting on the nightstand, he had made me tea. It was still lukewarm so it couldn't have been standing for long, but there was no note. Since it was eight, I figured he left to go to work.
It was herbal tea, of course, but I thought it would help my stomach settle so I took a sip and took it into the bathroom with me to finish it after my shower.
Bob galloped into my bedroom and slammed himself against my legs as soon as I came out of the bathroom. I was wearing my bathrobe and was going to make coffee and it occurred to me that Bob hadn't been in my bedroom before. I felt like a bad doggy mom for not even missing him and hugged him apologetically.
"He missed you," Ranger said and I looked up, trying not to look surprised. I hadn't heard him come in. He was leaning against the doorframe again, but this time he was fully dressed in his usual black.
I ruffled Bob's ears and patted his side and he got all excited. He loves attention.
"That's it for now, big guy," I said and took a step forward. Bob took that as his signal for food and scrambled off towards the kitchen, but Ranger stayed. He had a strange look on his face and he was still staring at me.
"I thought you left," I said into the uncomfortable silence.
I'd been disappointed when I woke up and he wasn't there, but I'd realized that I had more or less expected it. I didn't know how to react to the fact that he was still here. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit I was happy he stayed.
"Do you want me to leave?"
Ah hell. I didn't know how to answer that. How would it have sounded if I'd told him I wanted this Ranger to leave, and that I wanted my Ranger back?
"Do you want to stay?"
If he answered with a 'Babe' I was going to slap him. He didn't though, he just held my eyes. And there was raw emotion in his. It was pain, but I couldn't make out whether he was pained because I didn't answer his question or because he was beginning to doubt his decision.
I wanted to be proud of myself for staying calm, but really, I was just too tired to fight. This would have to be his decision. And I didn't know what I was hoping for.
I was literally saved by the bell, my phone rang. Ranger had put the portable on my nightstand so I didn't have to brush past him into the kitchen to pick it up.
"You up for some doughnuts?" Lula asked when I answered. My stomach did a somersault at the thought of doughnuts and for the first time, I was concerned. When the thought of a staple in my diet made me nauseous, something was wrong.
But if I told Lula I didn't want doughnuts, she'd be just as concerned as Ranger, and I couldn't handle any more of that.
"Sure," I said instead, "Boston Crèmes."
"You got it. I got up when Tank left for work, and he gets up at the crack of dawn. So I'm ready to leave soon. You up for company?"
I already had company. My back was to Ranger, but I was pretty sure he was still standing in the doorway. And I realized I didn't want Ranger to leave. And I needed Lula's help.
But Ranger didn't know about the teensy-tiny favor I had to do for Harry.
This is why I usually avoid lying. It only gets you in trouble later. And omitting some facts is usually just as bad as lying. If Lula came over, she'd just assume that Ranger knew and talk about her strategy.
If I told Ranger to leave, I'd be sending him the wrong message. If I told Lula not to come, I'd hurt her feelings.
Was it too late to request a do-over of the day?
"You there?" Lula asked.
I bit my lip. Time, I needed time. "I'm not actually up yet," I fibbed. What's one more lie if you're already deep in them?
"Okay," Lula said. "I didn't think you would be. Hell, I'm not usually up this early either! I'm gonna go to the office first, give you some time to wake up, and swing by later?"
Phew. That would work. "Sounds good," I told Lula and we disconnected.
"You always shower before you get up?"
Oh, just shoot me.
I sighed and decided to go with honesty now. I didn't have the strength to lie, as much as I wanted to avoid the confrontation.
"I needed some time," I admitted. I slowly turned around when I realized it would be silly to keep staring at the wall while talking to him.
"You haven't answered my question," I pointed out.
He startled me with his speed yet again, he was right in front of me within a heartbeat, slung his arm around me in another, and his mouth crushed down on mine, all within a second or two.
He kissed me hungrily, with a passion that I felt right down to my core, his hands wandering up and down my back, and I gasped when he broke the kiss.
"Does that answer your question?" he asked huskily.
I looked up into his eyes, there was no humor there, no hint of a smile on his face, it was a serious question.
"Yes," I admitted breathlessly. I realized we never finished our conversation from the night before, he'd never given me an answer. I could point out that the kiss just proved that he obviously wanted me, but I was too confused. What was he trying to say?
"Do you mean…" I started but then I didn't know what I wanted to ask him. Had he changed his mind, come to his senses?
He shook his head slightly and tucked a curl behind my ear. "I mean what I meant yesterday. I love you. If I had a choice, I wouldn't leave. Ever." He cupped my face in both his hands.
"I tried to explain but I don't think I can, babe," he said softly, stroking my cheek with his thumb.
"You keep thinking I want to punish you when all I want is to protect you."
Oh not that speech again, I thought. I wasn't any more ready for it than I'd been the day before. And just like that, my confusion turned into frustration.
"But didn't you say you had to protect me from you and needed to stay away?" I sat back down on the bed.
"That was the whole problem, right? You couldn't trust yourself around me?" I scoffed, my voice dripping with sarcasm to mask the pain. "How do you explain sticking around to protect me?"
Ranger ran a hand through his hair and sat down next to me. "I realized you need to be protected from the mob more than you need to be protected from me." He took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry about last night. I meant to stay on the couch."
"But…"
"I know, I'm not making much sense." He smiled, but it looked sad. "I said I had to stay away from you, I never said I wanted to. And I know I'm not doing a good job trying. That doesn't mean it's the wrong decision, that just means I have to try harder."
He pulled me towards him until my head rested on his shoulder. "If you really want, I call Bobby in, and I'll take over downstairs. I don't want to make this any harder on you."
I closed my eyes to think about what he said. Translation: he hadn't changed his mind at all. He wanted to protect me from the big bad mob wolf, and he'd had a moment of weakness and kissed me. Probably he'd admit to two moments of weakness, counting this morning.
I stiffened as his words sank in and lifted my head to look at him. "You still think you could lose control and hit me?"
For the first time I really understood the meaning of 'slap some sense into you', I felt the urge to slap Ranger until he realized how irrational he was, since he obviously didn't react to words. But I knew, the day before nonwithstanding, I couldn't hurt him any more than he could hurt me, even if it the saying was true.
So I glared at him, challenging him to answer me.
He blew out some air and shook his head again, then he tightened his grip on my shoulder. "Do you know what it is that I do?"
I knew he wasn't talking about RangeMan. "You never told me," I said and that was true. He'd call it a mission, his orders, or a task, but he'd never tell me where he was going, how long he'd be gone and what he was doing, and he knew it.
"I know," he admitted. "But what do you think I do?"
Images of Rambo macheting his way through a jungle while ducking enemy fire flashed through my mind and I was about to put them into words when Ranger's cell phone rang on his utility belt.
He cursed as he got up and yanked the phone off the belt. "Talk."
I sank back against the pillows and watched as he listened for a few seconds. "Put the team together, I'll be there in fifteen," he said and closed the phone.
Ranger turned to face me. "I'm sorry. There was a break in at one of our biggest accounts, I have to be there."
I just nodded, I'd expected as much from the phone call. RangeMan was Ranger's responsibility.
"Will you be okay?" He bent down and ran his fingers over my cheek.
I nodded again. "Lula will be here soon. And Tank said if we don't hear from Guzzarella or DalBo, I won't need a bodyguard anymore."
"That's not what I meant," Ranger said softly and brushed his lips over mine. "We'll talk when I get back, okay?"
I heard the front door close behind him and sighed. I thought I knew Ranger about as well as anyone could know him. These past few days had taught me otherwise. He was so unpredictable.
One minute he kissed me with a passion that was breathtaking, and the next he claimed he needed distance. I had a feeling we really needed that talk.
I got up to get dressed, did a half-assed job at hair and make-up, got coffee started and called Lula to tell her I was ready.
Probably Tank or Ranger would have told me if there were any threats or even sightings, and since I hadn't heard anything, I assumed it had all blown over. Probably Guzzarella and DalBo just had to cause a stink because a girl had gotten them arrested.
"Male egos can be so fragile," I told Bob as I filled his bowls and dropped some hamster nuggets in Rex's food dish.
I had just poured myself some coffee when the doorbell rang. Lula was carrying a tray with two coffees, a pastry bag and a box of doughnuts and managed to get everything inside and on the dining table without tripping over Bob who'd smelled the doughnuts as soon as I'd opened the door.
"That Bobby sure is fine," she said appreciatively when we sat down and attacked the pastries.
"Can't compare to my man, of course, but not too shabby," she continued. "Why do you have him sitting in the parking lot instead of up here?"
I took a bite of my doughnut but regretted it as soon as I swallowed. It sat heavy in my stomach, so I put it back on my plate. "I had extra protection up here," I told Lula. And then I told her the story from walking in on Ranger while 'talking' to Tank to this morning, not going into the vomiting thing.
"Dayum, girl," Lula said when I finished. "If they ever make a movie out of your life, it could be a soap opera." She took a sip of her coffee and I grimaced.
"But it sure looks like the plan was working, Ranger sounds pretty jealous to me."
"I'm gonna try to really talk to him when he gets back. For now the plan is off," I said and tried a muffin from the bag. I hadn't realized I'd made the decision until I said it out loud. "I don't want Ranger jealous, I want him back."
"Guess I understand that," Lula said and took a second doughnut. "And I won't mind having Tank back where he belongs either. But it was still a damned good plan."
I agreed and took my time finishing my muffin and my coffee because I dreaded what came next. I didn't want to talk to Harry because he'd ask me how far along I was in my efforts to get rid of Joyce.
Speaking of…"Was Vinnie in the office this morning?"
Lula shook her head 'no'. "Connie said he had some appointment and wouldn't be in until noon. I told her to let me know if Joyce shows," she said. "I didn't tell her why, didn't know if you wanted to share." She got up and threw her empty cup in the trash.
Probably I should have told Connie first, she was the one with Family ties, she knew how to handle them. I decided to plead temporary insanity, I'd been too flustered to think straight. My stomach was the best proof of that.
"You ready?" Lula asked from the kitchen.
I sighed and remembered why I'd agreed to Lula's suggestion: I knew she wouldn't let me procrastinate.
I got lucky though, Harry didn't answer his phone. There was no answering machine either, it just rang until I got the busy signal.
Lula waved her hand dismissively. "We keep trying. He's gotta be home at some point, it's early yet. And we have plenty of food." I had expected her to say something like that, it wasn't easy to deter Lula when she was hooked.
"And what exactly am I gonna tell him?" I asked. Somehow, Lula's idea had made more sense the night before.
"You're gonna ask him to tighten the leash on his goons, you're gonna tell him that he better keep his guys in check or the deal's off."
I snorted. "Yeah, that'll put the living fear into Harry the Hammer…"
Lula shook her head. "It's not about that. I know his kind. They got pride. They don't stand for lackeys going around doing their own thing. He's gonna take care of those guys for you."
Actually that made sense. Mental head slap. I could have thought of that myself. "Okay," I said. But I still wasn't looking forward to talking to Harry.
I tried two more times in half-hour intervals without any luck. Maybe the number he'd given me was only manned in the evenings or something. I was getting tired of trying, because every time I dialed the number, I got an adrenaline high and every time he didn't pick up, I crashed.
"I'm gonna keep trying from the road," I told Lula after the last try. "I still have some skips to catch, wanna ride shotgun?" Maybe we would even catch one or the other. But most importantly, I'd get out of the house. I needed to move.
I was about to put the handset on the charger when the phone rang and I was so surprised I almost dropped it.
"You think he got caller ID?" Lula asked wide-eyed.
I hadn't thought of that. I just closed my eyes and answered the phone.
"Do you want to share with me why you're calling a mob boss three times in one morning?" Ranger asked without a greeting.
Shit.
TBC
A/N: Is now the time for THE talk? Should Steph finally get everything out in the open? I'd appreciate your opinion on the matter.