Blue.
That's what they'd called it when they found Mrs. McGinty face down in the old cow pond on the far side of her farm. Said she'd been "a little blue" since her baby boy died one night in his cradle. Said she was never the same after that, and one afternoon her husband found her, dead and floating in the water.
Vin remembered stealing over there to stare at the foul water, imagining what must've brought her to do it. Wishing he had something he cared about so much that he could lose that would make him so blue that he'd look for escape the way she had. Anything that would take him away from this life and bring him to his Ma. But there wasn't anything he cared that much about, and his life went on.
He wondered if how he was feeling now was blue. Since coming back to town from the O'Brien's two days before, he hadn't been much interested in anything going on. Didn't play cards, didn't sit out with any of the other fellas just to pass the time, didn't care who came or left on the stage, just plain didn't care about anything at all. He knew the others were watching him, but to tell them all to back off would take more breath than he seemed to have in his body. Fortunately though, all they were doing was keeping an eye on him, and leaving him in peace.
So he sat now in the saloon, alone. He wasn't drinking, just sitting. Waiting for the day to pass so he could go off and spend another sleepless night somewhere, until it was morning and he had to get up again.
The sound of laughter from outside the saloon irritated him, what did anybody have to be happy about? Why didn't they just go away and find somewhere else to be having a good time? Buck and JD came into the saloon. Buck was laughing at some story that JD was dead serious about. Vin silently wished them to the bar so that he could leave without being noticed, but then he couldn't think of anywhere else he wanted to be or had the energy to get to.
As it happened, they saw Vin and were in too good a mood to remember that he'd been prickly lately. Buck ordered beer for all three and they sat at the table with him.
"Hey Vin - - how y'doin? Ain't seen you around all day..." Buck said.
"...been around..." Vin's tone was flat. He'd been around, wandering aimlessly till he got tired enough to be able to sit in one spot for awhile. JD remembered first.
"You know, Buck 'n me can go to another table Vin, if you ain't up to a crowd..." He knew the others would be drifting in soon. Vin looked at him and didn't know what exactly he did want. Stay, go, sit, leave, talk, shut up, something, anything, nothing. Please go away but please don't leave me alone...
So he shrugged.
Buck had all he could take of Chris being a bear most of every day and night. Vin was usually a fella you could have a good time with and it was downright awkward to be around him when he was doing as fine an imitation of Larabee as you'd care to see. Still...
When the bartender served them the beer, Buck said: "C'mon JD. Light's better over here, in case we get a card game up..." There was no anger in his voice, only a slightly questioning tone.
...had to be something powerful strong to be dragging Vin down with it. He moved to the other table; JD waited another moment.
"You okay Vin?"
If Vin could've realized that all he wanted was somebody to listen to him sort through his pain out loud, he would've found a way to tell JD that. If JD had realized that what Vin really wanted was just someone to talk to, nothing would've moved him from that chair. But neither of them realized.
"...guess I'm allright..."
And JD went to the other table.
"...guess I'm just feeling a little blue..." Vin whispered to himself.
M7*M7*M7
"So there was only enough room for one wagon to go through that alley. And my Ma, she wouldn't back up. And the other lady, she wouldn't back up..."
JD was relating this story to Vin on the porch of the jail. Vin was sitting on the step, JD stood in front of him. Vin didn't know exactly why he was listening, but it seemed to matter to the kid to tell it, so he listened.
"So the other lady jams her brake on real hard, and y'know what my Ma did? She took out a book and started to read! Ha! Guess who got through that alley!"
"Real tough lady, your Ma." Vin smiled, but it was a tired expression. JD was disappointed, not because Vin didn't seem to appreciate the tale, but that he hadn't been able to cheer him up like he'd intended. He sat down next to Vin.
"What was your Ma like? Seems like she musta been strong too."
Vin had plenty of memories and no strength to summon them. He shook his head.
"...too young to remember..."
JD wanted to cheer Vin up. Wanted to do something to bring him out of the misery he seemed to be dragging himself through. The thing that always made JD feel better when he was low was somebody needing his help, so he tried to think of something he could ask Vin's help on. The moments it took him to search his brain though, Vin took as hurt silence.
"Sorry I ain't much company JD. I just ain't been sleepin' much..."
"Nathan'll give you something -" JD would run over there right now and get it for him, all Vin had to do was agree. But Vin shook his head again.
"Naah...can't..." Can't take the chance that he'd be so far asleep somebody could sneak up on him. "It'll go away...always does..."
Across the street, Chris watched the two as they talked. It'd been nearly a week now since Vin had closed in on himself.
Any man could have a day or two of melancholy, Chris knew that. Some forgotten sadness would be resurrected and ride the trail with you, but then it would be dealt with and sent back to dark reaches of memory. What Vin was putting himself through now was like the first stages of a recent grief. But, unlike the grief Chris had gone through when his family died, Vin was turning the violence inward. He was destroying himself from the inside.
Chris was about to stand up and go over to Vin when Buck sat down next to him.
"How's he today?"
"Even JD can't get a smile out of him." Chris didn't look at Buck, he continued to stare hard at Vin.
"You're real worried about him, ain't you?" Buck asked. "He'll likely pull out of it the next day or two Chris. Whatever's working on him, he's been carrying it awhile I reckon, so I reckon he's pulled himself out of it a time or two already." But Chris shook his head and Buck suddenly realized Chris had a piece of this puzzle that no one else did. "What is it?" He demanded.
Chris chewed his lip, considering if he ought to tell. But maybe the more people who knew, the safer Vin would be. From himself more than likely. Chris turned to look at Buck.
"Vin told me - when we had the service for his Ma - that there's been times when he's missed her so bad, he's thought about joining her. Sending himself to be with her." He didn't know what he expected Buck's reaction to be. Shock, disgust, disbelief. But Buck only shook his head.
"Don't know's I'd blame him. Kinda life he had. Seen his Grandpa the one time he was here in town. Mad dogs ain't as vicious as that cuss was. Don't expect Vin had an easy time under his roof."
"Beat him all the time, Vin said." Chris offered. He knew this time what Buck's reaction would be - anger that a friend had been hurt, even when that hurt was twenty years old. "Right from the first day."
"Damn. Vin ain't a strappin' fella now. Imagine he was a little tyke. How long was he with his Grandpa? Five years?"
Chris shook his head. "Seven."
"Damn."
On unspoken agreement, they both stood up and crossed the street to their friends.
JD had given up thinking of ways to cheer Vin. All it seemed he could do right now was sit with him. He knew, sometimes that's all you could do. Vin just stared down the muddy street, towards the wilderness, toward the unknown, toward anywhere he wasn't right now. He didn't hear the footsteps coming closer, didn't notice Chris and Buck till he felt a strong hand squeeze his shoulder and he looked up, surprised, and saw Chris smiling down at him.
"Hey cowboy, what d'you say I buy you some dinner?"
And Vin found he didn't have the strength to refuse. He nodded, and the four of them headed slowly down the wooden sidewalk.