Speechless
AN: Inspired by "Speechless" by Lady Gaga.
Disclaimer: SSDD
Rating: T
I can't believe what you said to me the last night when we were alone. You gave up, you gave up on me. You turned on your heel and left me there, my jaw hanging, heart erratic, skin so cold, and my mind numb.
I don't understand what I said wrong. Hell, I didn't say anything to you.
You just walked in, eyes glassy, dark and brooding. I couldn't make anything out, and I felt like I was flailing, although I couldn't move under the intensity of your gaze.
I can't believe how you looked at me. Even when I snuck onto the Enterprise, before the start of the mission, before I graduated the academy, dammit, when I 'cheated' on your damn test, you didn't look at me like that.
It was reproachful, as if I had tried to kill you. You refused to come near me, but that look in your eyes burned into me, and even now, I can see it, can feel it, and it still hurts me as it did then.
I know that I'm not perfect. You reminded me plenty of times of my faults. It hurt to hear them out loud, but even as I winced at the words coming out of your mouth, you didn't stop, your tone only growing harsher, as if every one of my faults were direct insults to you, as if everything I was and am was painful for you to be near.
I tried to say something but you cut me off, your voice almost a growl, and my mouth shut, my entire being unwilling to have to be addressed in that tone again. Goddammit, you hurt me.
I never thought I'd see the day, but I've seen it, and I wish I hadn't.
And everything that you said, every logic-stained lie that fell from your lips tried to rip the hole in my chest only a little bit wider until the gash was too big to keep everything inside me from falling out, and everything I tried to hide was exposed, every weakness, and dependence, and everything I trusted you with, you used against me, and that hurt more than anything else before or after.
When you ignored me today, it didn't hurt as much as last night, but you've left me speechless.
I can't say anything, even if I wanted to. I wouldn't know what to say. Anything I could have said, you ripped from me. I have nothing left, you know. It's still with you. Did you intend that? When you left, you took everything, you know, and I'll never love again.
You have everything. And it hurts that you'll only ever use it against me, but I love you, for whatever that's worth. You never let me say it. You suppressed it in me until I was afraid to say it, and now, I don't have the words to express it anyway.
But I'll never talk to you again. Oh, you've left me speechless.
If things hadn't gone so wrong, would you even be angry with me? If I hadn't gotten in trouble down there, would you have even approached me that way, popping the seams on everything I held dear to me?
But it comes down to something else, doesn't it? You never trusted me. Right up until you wrecked me, you couldn't trust me. You never said it, but I felt it. You were so jealous, so possessive. You warned me. I took it to heart, even though you couldn't see it, I honored you, I cherished you, I was faithful down to the last second, even now and forever. But you couldn't believe me, could you?
Did you ever care for me as deeply as I did for you?
I fell hard for you, and nothing you could do was wrong. But everything I did was wrong. You always interrogated me. You couldn't believe me. I couldn't lie to you if I wanted to. But you lied to me. You lied to me so much; I didn't know when you were telling the truth. I never knew what to expect, but I always knew that you would make it so complicated; you would tear it to pieces and inspect it. I couldn't do anything to win your trust, and it was the step to what I really wanted.
I should have tried to look past that, but I couldn't. I loved you, and I couldn't see past the fact that you wouldn't love me. When you looked at me, did you see someone else? Did you see someone who abandoned you? Or was it someone you let go? Something you regret? Did you ever see me? Was that why you hated my every fault? Because I wasn't what you wanted?
Couldn't you have told me what you wanted? Why didn't you talk to me? You were always so speechless. I tried so hard to impress you, to be everything, and I failed miserably, and you only looked at me with sad eyes and I couldn't help but crawl away from you defeated, every time, because I couldn't be perfect.
I was chaotic and unpredictable and illogical, brash, arrogant and reckless, but under that, I was weak. I was still wounded from childhood, and you couldn't put me together, but then again, you never really tried to. You fit in all the right places, but you couldn't stand to be there, and when you broke away from me, you broke more than you off-handedly repaired, leaving me worse for wear.
I have nowhere to go now.
Everything is so cold now. After having that heat, nothing else can compare and you've felt me with no absolution, no relief and I don't know where to turn, because no one can live up to what you've left behind in me. I'm stranded with no way out.
After all the fights and arguments that we've had, all the pain we caused to each other, could you give it all up and forgive me? Could you see past it all to the real me that you never dug deep enough to see, to trust me like I wished you would? After everything left unsaid, would you give it all up? Could you give it all up if I promised to you that I'll never talk again? That I'll never love again?
If I let it all go, could you just forgive me? Forgive me for everything I did and didn't do? For everything I messed up and wrecked? Could you forgive me of the faults you laid on me?
And could I even forgive you?
I feel hollow and broken and when I look at you, I can't help but be angry, even though I'm speechless. You've left me speechless. I want to scream, I want to accuse you, but I can't. And I won't. And you avoid me anyways.
Sometimes I'm grateful for it. But right now, I'm not.
It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault.
I keep thinking those words, I keep trying to work up the ability to say them to you, but I can't. And would you even believe me now? It always seemed that you were looking for me to screw up.
Why couldn't you trust me?
It wasn't my fault.
And you're the only one that doesn't believe me. McCoy found the drug in my system I told you they gave to me without my knowledge. Uhura translated the purpose of it I told you they said it meant to me. Everyone else knew.
Why did you think it was me?
It wasn't my fault.
I'm angry again, and I couldn't even care that I'm in the hallways, because I can only think about you when the world isn't trying to come crashing down around me. Everyone followed me, but you would choose death to my company, and now you're so speechless.
When I saw you in the hall, I walked right past you; I almost didn't notice it was you until you grabbed me. I didn't know what to do, and I froze in place, turning only when you made me. I was angry, but it couldn't stand up to the shaking and the desperation and I wanted to get away, because I didn't want to hear what you had to say because I didn't think I could take it.
You let go of me and you started to say something, but I turned and continued along, trying to get away from you, but you caught me again. Now you were angry, and I couldn't find it in my will to escape, even when you let me go again.
What would you say to me now? There couldn't be anything left you could use that I haven't heard yet. And I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't hear it. Why would you do this to me now? I haven't bothered you since that night you walked out on me. I haven't tried to fight with you. I haven't tried anything, because I figured that would have been what you wanted.
When you asked me why I haven't said anything, I responded the best way I could, telling you that you wouldn't have listened to me. You looked upset and I wondered what I said this time, but when you didn't walk away, I didn't know what to say to you.
You apologized to me then. You left me speechless, and I didn't say anything in return. I still didn't know if I could forgive you. You looked at me, awaiting an answer, but you've left me so speechless.
If you could cry, would you have then? Neither of us said anything, and I didn't know what there was to say.
I ultimately accused you in retaliation, finally able to say something. You only grew more upset, and I lashed out at you, letting it spill out of me. If you were going to take everything, I wanted you to have this too, to remind you of what you did to me.
Why didn't you trust me?
It wasn't my fault.
I threw those words at you finally, and you tried to touch me and I pushed you away, telling you that I didn't think I could forgive you for not having faith in me.
I'll never love again.
When I said those things to you, I thought I might never talk again.
I left you speechless.
You only looked at me with those sad eyes. I didn't concede, I wasn't ready to. Right in the middle of the hall, you grabbed my hand, closing your eyes. You didn't try to hold on when I started to pull away. But I didn't take back my hand.
I finally told you that I loved you.
You leaned in closer to me and you whispered it back.