Thank yo all so very much for your reviews. They inspire me, I shamelessly take my ideas from them, and they're the only way I can know what you think. Please keep your comments and suggestions coming, I love them.

Hugs, kisses, and huge thank yous to Stayce for putting up with me and helping me every day!

Disclaimer: Most characters are borrowed from JE, any similarities with living persons is coincidental, and the title is borrowed from Bon Jovi

Spoilers: None

Rated R for adult content

Keep the Faith

Chapter 27

Remember when you were a kid, and all you had to say was 'I'm sorry' and everything was okay again? And then later, when all you had to do was scream 'Do-over!' and all your fuck-ups didn't count? I can't remember a day when I didn't wish I could go back to those days.

Ranger was still looking at me; I could feel it, even though I didn't lift my eyes to meet his. I knew he meant it; he would leave if I told him I really meant it. So now was my split-second chance to make up my mind. Did I want him gone? Did I want him to leave, right this second, and close the door behind him, in more ways than one?

The only thing I knew was that I didn't know and I couldn't think about it right that second. My head was going to explode if I thought about it. I had a feeling I was going to regret it, but I nodded slowly, looking towards the front door.

"I mean it. Please go." I forced my eyes up at the last possible moment. The feelings I read in Ranger's eyes broke my heart.

I'd expected his blank face, maybe even anger, I wasn't prepared for hurt. It was gone so fast, I was sure I'd imagined it as he left the kitchen and I heard the front door close a moment later. Maybe I'd just seen my emotions reflected in his eyes.

Without any air left, I collapsed to the floor. It was a miracle I didn't hurt myself because I came down on broken china, shards of glass, silverware and various kitchen utensils. Or maybe I did hurt myself, it's hard to tell, I was so numb.

What the hell was wrong with me? 'Can I have a do-over?' I thought. 'Can I go back to the part where Ranger tells me I don't want to see it and I believe him, we turn around and go back to his place?'

When would I start believing Ranger did everything for a reason, and if he said I didn't want to see it, I really didn't want to see it?

That stupid line from a movie popped into my head, 'There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone leave your life forever'. I knew Ranger knew I hadn't sent him out of my life. I mean, I was pretty sure he knew. Oh hell.

My phone started ringing in my shoulder bag. It was close enough for me to hear it, but I had no intentions of answering it. I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to talk to. Ever again.

"Pity, party of one, your table is ready," I croaked and smiled at my own joke, until the tears ran down my face again.

As if from far away rather than a few feet away on the counter, I heard Rex crawl out of his soup can and onto his wheel. A moment later, the soft creaking filled the kitchen. The sound of home, I couldn't help thinking, the reason I'd needed him back. And for some reason, that thought brought on another sob.

So there I was. Numb, exhausted and wallowing in self pity. On second thought, it was a good thing I'd sent Ranger away, at least he didn't have to see me like this. He'd probably be as disgusted as I was with myself.

I groaned when I realized I was sinking even deeper into moping and tried to give myself a push. 'Focus on the positive,' I told myself. 'Get a grip!' This had to end.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and counted to ten. Then I found room on the floor for my hands and boosted myself up. Once up, I forced myself to take a good look around the kitchen.

Yeah, okay, it was pretty bad. But it could have been worse. It looked like all they'd done is pull everything out and turn the drawers upside down. They hadn't gone and smeared the contents of the fridge all over the counters, for example.

I found the box of trash bags in the debris, yanked one out and started filling it with everything that was broken. Just like Cinderella, except I was separating salvageable from broken. A half hour later, I had three trash bags full, a couple glasses and a few plates and cups intact in the sink, and the counters and floor were clean. It was a start.

When my phone rang again in my shoulder bag, I picked up the bag and threw it out into the hallway. It had to wait, I was on a mission to restore my sanity.

I sorted the silverware back into the drawer, put the dishes back into the cabinet, sorted the remaining food back into the fridge and hauled the full trash bags out into the foyer to be dumped, ignoring the mess in the rest of the apartment both ways.

When I was done, I allowed myself another look around. The kitchen looked normal again. Granted, the inside of the cabinets didn't but I'd closed the doors so I could ignore that. At least it appeared like before, and that was good enough for now.

"See, I can do this," I told Rex and dropped a couple mini carrots into his food dish.

He paused on his wheel, his whiskers whirring, then he dashed out, crammed the carrots into his cheeks and disappeared into his soup can. Business as usual. It made me smile because somehow it signaled normal was on its way.

The living room was next. My home phone rang as I left the kitchen and I just knew it was my mom, wanting to know why I hadn't shown up for dinner. I glanced at the phone but decided she'd just have to wait with the rest of my messages and didn't listen to what she had to say on the answering machine.

I was armed with the box of trash bags and went to work. In the back of my mind, I wondered if it was such a good idea to be cleaning up, shouldn't I call the cops to take fingerprints maybe, but then I dismissed my worries and went to work.

Miraculously, the TV had survived, there were only a couple broken knick knacks and torn books and magazines. Within another half hour, I'd filled another two bags and the couch had one less cushion, but the living room looked okay again. Moreover, I was sort of proud of myself for taking charge like that. While I was on this roll, I charged into the foyer, grabbed the full bags and maneuvered the front door open.

Since I couldn't see well over the mountain of trash in my arms, I never saw what was in my way until I hit it. There was a grunt and a muffled curse, and we both went down in a heap.

I caught a glimpse of a black combat boot and smiled. "I sort of meant out-out when I said 'leave'," I said, unable to hide how happy I was Ranger had camped out in my hallway.

But the next second, the smile froze. As the owner of the boot pushed himself up and extended a hand towards me.

"You okay?" Cal asked.

I pushed a trash bag off my chest and took his hand, heat creeping into my cheeks. "I'm fine."

If he noticed my embarrassment, he didn't show it. "You need a hand with these?"

"What are you doing here?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"I'm on door-duty," he grinned, picking up the bags that had thankfully stayed intact during our collision. "Junior's in the car downstairs and..."

"Of course," I cut him off.

Ranger had dispatched a team to watch over me. How stupid to believe he'd camp out in front of my door. He had a company to run, he was probably totally behind after babysitting me earlier, and since I'd made it clear I didn't want him around, he'd taken his cue.

By now, Cal had picked up all the trash bags easily that I'd struggled with earlier. "I take it these are going into the dumpster?"

He looked kind of helpless, like he didn't know how to 'handle' me. When I look back now, it seems funny how this tiny girl made this big man feel uncomfortable.

I nodded, suddenly numb again. One step forward, two rooms clean, and two steps backwards. Mental head slap.

"Thanks," I mumbled and retreated back into my apartment.

Once the door was closed, I sank against it to the floor. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," I berated myself. "You sent him away, what the fuck did you expect him to do other than leave?"

This time though, before I could feel all sorry for myself again, I pulled myself together and stalked into the bathroom. I felt grimy from cleaning but I wanted to wash off more than sweat and dirt, I wanted to clear my head.

Whoever had ransacked my apartment had also stopped in the bathroom, but since it was a small bathroom, damage was minimal. I'd need a new shower curtain since the old one had been torn clear off the hooks, but after I'd flushed about a roll of toilet paper that had been spread on the floor and had scooped up all my cosmetics into the sink, it didn't look half bad. And who needed a shower, a bath would do the trick, I thought and opened the faucet.

After a few minutes in the hot water, I began to relax. And I continued the mental list I'd started earlier.

I had to talk to Harry, I decided. Try to have an uninterrupted conversation with him. He was the only one who could give me the real background on Guzzarella, and DalBo for that matter. And a phone call wouldn't do, this one had to be face to face.

Then I had to set aside at least an hour to go through all my voicemail messages on my cell phone and clear them up once and for all. And I should probably answer the phone from now on so that they didn't re-accumulate.

I was contemplating the pros and cons of phone answering when my door bell rang. Probably Cal would take care of it, I figured. My own personal Merry Man and butler. I still didn't want to see or talk to anyone.

A moment later someone was banging at the door. So either Cal wasn't back yet or…I didn't want to think about the or. Merry Men were invincible, nothing could happen to them on the way to the dumpster, I told myself.

There was no second round of banging and I relaxed into the tub again.

And then I shrieked very unladylike as my feet splashed down from the wall where they'd been resting and into the water when the door was yanked open.

When I'd cleared the soap out of my eyes, I was able to see Ranger, leaning against the doorjamb, the blank face firmly in place, unreadable.

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to scream 'What are you doing here?' more or if I wanted to jump out of the tub and wrap myself around him. Was I happy that he'd come back or mad because he didn't stay away like I'd asked him?

In the end, I just stared at him, waiting for him to make the first move.

"You didn't answer your door," he said, his voice calm.

"I'm naked," I pointed out.

An almost smile played around his lips as his eyes wandered over my body. "I can see that."

No, I decided, I wasn't mad he had ignored my request. I was way too happy to see him because a part of me had wondered if he'd left for good.

But still, I had to ask. "What are you doing here?"

Before Ranger could answer, there was a loud bang from behind him, and I jumped again, making the water splash over the rim. Ranger turned his head and seemed to glare at someone, and I shrunk back under the bubbles.

"Is there someone here with you?"

"That would be the bell ringers," Ranger said and smiled at his own joke.

He pushed himself off the doorjamb, grabbed the bath towel that I'd put on the counter and unfolded it for me. "Otherwise known as Hal and Junior. The cleanup crew."

"The…what?" I stuttered and Ranger smiled again.

He held out the towel for me and bent down with it. "Now…are you coming out or am I going in to get you?"

I stood up a little dazed. How long had it been since I'd sent Ranger away, a couple hours? I was sure I wouldn't see him for a long time, if ever, and honestly, I hadn't gotten to that part in my mind yet, I'd thrown myself into the cleanup.

"They're…cleaning?" I asked as Ranger slung the towel around me, and I caught myself wishing his arms stayed around me.

"They had to get some supplies first. Cal was in front of your door while I got you a little pick-me-up."

"Pick-me-up?" Okay, so I knew how I sounded, but I couldn't help it.

I sounded like the chlorine fumes from the hot water had gotten to my brain. Probably Ranger knew me well enough to understand I was just confused, not entirely stupid.

Ranger inclined his head towards my bedroom. "It's on the bed."

And then he left. I could hear him talk to the guys in my apartment, but when I followed him a minute later, after I'd toweled off and put on my bathrobe, I only saw Junior. In my current state, I would have believed I'd imagined it all, except when I turned around, I saw the Dunkin' Donuts bag and tray sitting on my bed.

"You okay?" Junior wanted to know. He was dressed in RangeMan black and had an armful of books that had been pulled out of the bookcase.

"Peachy keen," I told him and closed the bedroom door so he couldn't ask me any more questions.

They were Boston Crèmes, and there were two of them in the bag. Until I actually grabbed one, I half expected them to turn into carrots or celery sticks, unable to believe Ranger had brought me trans fat laden doughnuts. I closed my eyes as I bit into the first one and immediately, my life wasn't so bad anymore. Yes, I had to throw half my closet off the bed before I could lie down on it, but when I did, I could savor my favorite doughnut. And now it made perfect sense Ranger had left so quickly, it must have been all he had in him to actually buy them. That must have been the only reason.

Denial was still my best friend and with a mouthful of sweet cream, it was easy to hold on to!

I washed the second doughnut down with the coffee Ranger had brought and the food did its magic, I felt better by the minute. Taking a deep breath, I sank back onto the mattress.

A knock on the door interrupted my beginning happiness a minute later.

"Um, Steph?" Junior started, poking his head into my bedroom.

I had to take a deep breath. I didn't want to come across as a bitch, but I really needed to be alone. As much as I appreciated the help Ranger had provided, it wasn't what I wanted. Before I'd run into Cal, I'd been on a roll, taking action, pulling myself out of the muck. Now Ranger had swept in and was taking charge. He'd dispatched two men to 'take care of the mess'. How could I explain to him or even Junior that I didn't want any help, that it was my mess to clean up? They were trying to help me.

The words 'ungrateful brat' came to mind, but they didn't quite fit. I wasn't ungrateful, I was independent. Like I'd promised Tank a week ago.

I sat up and downed the last of my coffee. "It's okay, Junior, I'm up."

"You ready for us to clean this room now?"

With one last deep breath, I got up. "No, that's okay. I got this one."

He opened the door all the way and stepped into the bedroom. "Boss said to…"

I held up my hand in the universal stop gesture. "It's okay. I know what he said."

Well, I didn't know, but I could imagine. From Junior's reaction, I was guessing cleaning my apartment had been an order. Ranger was going to help me himself, but he'd respected that I needed some space from him.

Junior looked a little lost. He was sensing my resistance and now he was probably torn between shrugging and leaving and sticking it out. He raised his eyebrows. "What's it gonna be then?"

Probably he was wondering if I was going to lose it any moment, trying to tread carefully. I was still in my robe, but the towel had fallen off my wet hair and it most likely looked a little scary by now.

I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to tame it a little. "I feel better now. I can do this myself, although I appreciate your help."

There, didn't that sound nice and sane, I thought.

"Boss said to…"

I took a calming breath. Junior couldn't have known he was pushing it. I decided to be honest with him. "The thing is, I kinda want to be alone, if that's okay with you?"

"Oh," he just said, already backing up. "Sure, okay. We're just about done out here anyway."

I made a mental note to have a talk with him once I could think straight again, take him out for a drink maybe. Anything to get rid of the look he was giving me right now, as if he was wondering why Ranger bothered.

He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "We'll just be downstairs then."

I nodded, I didn't know what I could add to make it okay. So I tried a small smile and a finger wave.

When the door closed behind him, I fell back onto my bed. Next, Junior would be calling Ranger. And I doubted there would be doughnuts after that. But maybe he'd bring Valium.

Staring at the ceiling, I made a decision. I was going to forget about that for now. I'd deal with it later. For now, back to my to-do list. Who was I going to call again? I grabbed a pen and paper to finally write it down. Time to be in charge again, time to show Ranger I could help myself.

When I was all done a half hour later, the apartment was quiet, I hadn't heard a sound since the front door had closed. My land line hadn't rung either, although my cell phone may have buzzed like crazy, it was in the kitchen after all. I enjoyed the quiet.

My plan was to first finish cleaning up the apartment, talk to the people that could give me the necessary information, and then call Ranger all sane and calm so he could see I hadn't lost it after all.

I stood in my bedroom, hands on my hips, slowly turning around to assess the damage. Probably the cops wouldn't have been able to get any evidence from the mess, I reasoned, what were the odds they could find the people who did this? In the meantime, they'd sent a CSI team who would root around my underwear and lipsticks. No, thank you.

It didn't look like anything had been stolen. Clearly, the intention had been to scare me or to demoralize me. Well, they'd succeeded, but I was getting over it.

In the bedroom, my clothes had been ripped off the hangers and off the shelves in the closet and strewn all over the floor. All shoe boxes had been turned upside down. The mess was overwhelming, but it didn't look like anything had been destroyed, like the carved cushion in the living room.

I tied my hair up with a scrunchie and went to work. Since most of my clothes were on the floor, they'd all have to be washed. I just bunched them up and threw them in more trash bags, to be taken to Mom's house.

By ten at night, I had the whole apartment clean again. Hal and Junior had cleaned up the hall and the foyer, I'd already taken care of the kitchen and the living room before, and now I was done with the bathroom and the bedroom. You'd have to look closely to see anything had been wrong just an hour earlier. All in all, I'd lucked out, I didn't need to repaint or re-carpet. Either they just wanted to send a message, or they'd been interrupted, I figured.

Again I took a slow look around, and I couldn't help feeling a sense of pride at what I'd accomplished. And I was amazed at how much better I felt. Even though nothing had really changed, I'd gotten up and dusted myself off instead of giving in to the despair and self-pity.

I walked over to the kitchen and helped myself to a beer. "Yep, Rex, I can still do it," I told him. He didn't stop his evening jog.

I took my beer and my list over to the living room and plopped down on the couch. I had to call Ranger, I realized. He'd consider it my move. He was giving me space and I had to tell him when I'd have enough space.

Sighing, I picked up my big list. 'Call/Meet Harry', was the first item. It was too late for that now. 'Check messages/call back' was next, meaning my cell phone messages. Another sigh. It was never too late to listen to those, I realized as I retrieved my cell phone from my shoulder bag and hit the mailbox button.

My mom had called four times. How was this possible, I'd erased her messages from the days before a few hours ago? Lula and Mary Lou had each left two messages. Again. I owed them big time. There was only one message I saved, the one with the heavily accented voice.

"You sink you ah pretty smaht, don't you? But I'm vatching you."

I shivered involuntarily. Was it Hartung? DalBo? Any of their henchman? It was impossible to tell, and there was no time stamp on the message. But I'd listened to my messages earlier, so it was recent.

Now I was supposed to call RangeMan, play the message for them, have them do their thing. Or I could remember how I used to do things before I had their backup, the old fashioned way.

I stepped over to the living room window and peeked outside. It was hard to miss the shiny black SUV parked in the lot. But it was impossible to tell who was in it.

I'd snuck out on the Merry Men before. But that seemed wrong now. I wanted to do this myself, but I didn't want to sneak out like a kid. No, I thought, straightening my shoulders, I was going to tell them and then I would ask them to leave me alone.

I practically ran into the bathroom to put on some make-up, then back into the bedroom to get dressed. Just as I grabbed my shoulder bag to leave, I realized I had no car. Damn. My brand new Hummer was sitting in Ranger's garage.

'Could you take me to RangeMan and then leave me alone, please?' somehow didn't sound right.

I sighed and bit my lip, going through the list of my friends in my head. Since Carl was on my to-do list anyway, I decided to call him. He was a bachelor, he'd still be up.

"Tell me you're not in trouble but just looking for a hot date," he answered the phone on the second ring. I chuckled. Good old Carl.

"I'm not in trouble," I said. "But I need your help."

"This is getting better and better," Carl said and I could feel him relax on the other end.

"Do you know who the primary on the Guzzarella case is?" I wanted to know.

He hesitated for just a moment. "Riley, I think, why?"

"I need to talk to him."

"Steph, relax, they're not gonna arrest you," Carl soothed.

"And I'm not gonna wait for them to maybe come up with that idea," I explained. "I may be able to help him."

"Her," Carl corrected. "Detective Heather Riley. How do you think you can help?"

"I don't know yet," I admitted. "That's what I want to find out. Do you know when she'll be in tomorrow?"

"I can arrange a meeting, if you're serious," Carl offered. "Are you sure about this?"

I bit my lip. Was I? Suppose I was a lot less on the radar than Ranger's sources suggested? No, I decided, I was done waiting and thinking 'what if?'. I was going to be proactive for a change.

"Yep, I'm sure," I said. "Do you think it would be possible to sit in on and interview with Hartung? Behind glass or something?"
"What are you not telling me?" Carl asked. He knew me too well, he always suspected ulterior motives.

I sighed. "I got a voice mail today. The caller had a German accent, but I don't know who it was."
"Are you okay?" Carl asked, concern in his voice.

"Wasn't that kind of message," I told him. "But I sort of want to know who it was."

"You mean if there are others out there we haven't found yet," Carl translated.

"That, too."

There was a pause where Carl was chewing it over. Probably trying to decide how much friend and how much cop he should be.

"Okay," he finally said. "Let me talk to her in the morning. She's usually in early and my shift starts at eight."

"I'm free all day. Whenever is good for her." Meaning, I'd make room between all my other items on the list for her whenever she had time.

"And you're just gonna sit tight until I call you?" Carl asked, reading my mind again. "You're not gonna go off looking for a killer on your own?"

I blew out some air. "I have stuff to do, but no, killer finding isn't among them."

"You at home?" Carl asked.

"Yes…"

"Need some protection?"

I laughed. "I have bodyguards in the parking lot."

"Need some company?" Carl tried again.

"Call me in the morning," I suggested and disconnected. Best not to give Carl any ideas.

It was too late to call anyone else, but still, I felt like I had a goal now. My apartment was almost back to normal, Rex was at home, and Bob was probably with Lester. Probably I should have called Ranger, but I didn't know how to have that conversation right now, so I decided to make it an early night instead of running out.

I went back to the window and waved down. The headlights on the SUV flashed twice. I turned off the lights, changed into my nightshirt and brushed my teeth.

When I fell onto my bed, I briefly wondered how long I'd lie awake thinking, but I don't remember any serious thoughts before I drifted off.

I woke up with a start, knowing some noise had disturbed me, but now knowing what it was. The mattress dipped beside me and I smiled. Ranger had come after all.

"Couldn't stay away from me, huh?" I teased turning and opening my eyes.

I gasped. It wasn't Ranger.

"Do you want me to stay away, Cupcake?" Joe asked.

He must have turned on the light because it was bright as day in my bedroom. For a second, just a moment, I was too overwhelmed to think that couldn't possibly be here and flung myself at him into his arms. His eyes brightened and he smiled widely as he spread his arms to catch me.

And then I crashed onto the floor, hard, and woke up. It was dark all around me and I was alone. Of course. Another dream.

I hugged my knees and began to rock, fighting the tears that once again threatened to fall.

Would this ever stop, I wondered? Just as I had jumped one hurdle, here was another and a nagging voice started telling me to just give up, give in, dig a hole and vegetate in it for the rest of my life.

Now I realized that I'd used the excuse of having to clean my apartment as my escape. I didn't really have to think about anything while I was shoving broken dishes into trash bags, I could procrastinate. And now one dream was proof positive that I could run, but I couldn't hide from my feelings. I'd just been able to push them back for a little bit.

It wasn't Joe, or rather the thought of him. I knew that I'd always miss him, and that I'd probably always love him, it wasn't that. Emotionally, I'd moved on. Ranger was the only man in my life.

It still hurt to remember Joe, but what was worse was the despair that the strange voice mail had brought back up, the fear that there were more, no matter how many were caught, there would always be more. But I was able to keep the tears back and straighten my shoulders. I was done crying! Enough already!!

I sat rocking on the floor, trying to make sense to it all. And suddenly I remembered what my third grade teacher had told me so long ago, that there was no shame in asking for help, it was not a sign of weakness. Funny how that came back to me now.

I took a couple deep breaths, slowly walked over into the living room and grabbed my cell phone, hitting the speed dial button before I had it all the way open.

"Yo," Ranger's sleepy voice answered after only one ring.

As soon as I heard his voice, I knew I'd done the right thing. "Can…can you come over?" I asked, barely able to speak. "I...I would come to you...bu...but I don't have a car."

"Be right there," he just said and disconnected.

No 'what's wrong', no 'what happened', just a 'be right there'. And when the locks tumbled barely a minute later, relief washed over me again.

I don't know how he knew where to find me, I almost expected him to look for me in the bedroom first. I had no idea what time it was, but it must have been the middle of the night.

Instead, his strong arms enveloped me right where I was sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table. He lifted me up and sat down on the couch, placing me in his lap.

He didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around me and kissed me lightly on the temple. I leaned into him, inhaling his scent, borrowing his warmth.

"You wanna talk about it?" he finally asked softly and I shook my head against his chest.

"Thanks for the doughnuts," I mumbled and his chest moved with a silent chuckle.

I felt better already. I just needed some emotional support, until I could think straight again. Then I would discuss my new plan with Ranger. Maybe.

TBC

A/N: Steph wasn't as atrong as she thought she was, no big deal, right? Should she rely on Ranger again? Or should she continue to do this by herself, the way she used to? Do you want to see Wonder Woman Steph?