Brown Eyes

AN: Inspired by "Brown Eyes" by Lady Gaga.

Disclaimer: SSDD

Rating: K+

I guess there wasn't really a point to staying here now. I tried to act like it didn't matter, like it didn't affect me. I couldn't do anything but hope that you didn't see that it did affect me. It was really hard for me to walk away without saying something, defending myself or lashing out, but I kept my mouth shut for once and I just left.

I really hoped that you would say something to stop me, but you didn't. You watched me go. I wondered if it was like this the last time someone walked out on you. But at least that time, she left because she had something else to go to. I don't have anywhere to go after this.

I should have known this would be bad. When your relationship with her ended, you spent a lot more time with me, too much time with me, and I got lost in your brown eyes, finally warm to me and not so cold and so almost black as they were so often accustomed in my presence.

Sitting alone in my room for the first time in months I couldn't help but wonder what went wrong.

You were my everything, what we had was everything, but now everything is over. I lost you, and your brown eyes.

Your brown eyes, did you ever look at me? Sometimes, when I looked into your eyes, I saw her face, and it hurt me, but I tried not to see her, tried not to think that whenever you touched me, you thought of her.

Your relationship with her was everything to you, wasn't it? And I was nothing, even though I made you my entire world. It's no surprise that I lost myself in your brown eyes, letting myself idolize you the way I did.

Everything was over and we've had our final moments and everything we could have had is over and I have to realize that you never really cared about me. You've gotten everything you've needed out of me. I wondered if, tomorrow, you would go back to see her, see if she would change her mind and take you back, but I knew that, even if she should turn you down, I couldn't expect you to come back to me, but still, some shallow part of me hoped you would.

In spite of the fact that I was a rebound, a back up plan, until something better came around, until she came around, I couldn't help but cherish the moments I had with you, even though they were all stained by your memories of her.

Your eyes will only ever light up for her, never me, and that hurt to admit, and I fell back onto my mattress, and let out a long shaky breath as I stared meaninglessly at the ceiling, as if it had on it all the answers I needed.

For a while, I tried to hope that you would knock on the door that joined our two cabins via our shared bathroom, but that hope faded away after a while.

I never really knew what you were thinking when you were with me. You barely ever said anything to me. You only did what was absolutely necessary. You never touched me when it wouldn't accomplish anything. You never said anything unless it was to tell me that it was time to leave.

I always swallowed that hard feeling that rose up in my throat that always strangled me, and I held the words I knew you didn't want to hear. I always left without a word, and without looking back.

Tonight had been different though. I walked in, and your brown eyes were black. You studied me, as if you'd never seen me before, as if you were trying to solve me as if I were some equation, as if to understand why it was me there, and not her.

You spoke to me, you told me that you were done. That this meant nothing to you and was a waste. You didn't see the pain in my eyes. I swallowed hard and tried not to look at you. You didn't really give me the option to say something edgewise. You just looked me with those sad eyes, those analytic eyes. I tried to understand, but I couldn't.

I tried to see that nothing was over, that you weren't serious, but I could see that it was time to say goodbye and I needed to let you go. If I tried to hold on, I would only end up more lost for the effort and I was sick and tired of fighting. I realized that it was worthless to beg with you.

When I stared at you, I kept my mouth shut, though you looked at me, knowing that I wanted to say something. You waited patiently, your eyes fixed lifelessly on me, but I couldn't say what was on the tip of my tongue because I didn't want to hear what I knew you would say to me to finally ruin everything.

I kept those words to myself and I left, and here I am.

I didn't care when there was a knock on the door; I just pretended I didn't hear it. It was only going to be Bones, I rationalized, and I just didn't have the time. I just continued to stare at the ceiling, occasionally checking the clock. I fell asleep some time around two-thirty in the morning, and woke up to the alarm blaring loudly the sound echoing off the walls and my insides like it never had before, as if to only accentuate that I was hollow.

I jumped up, rushing into and out of the bathroom, knowing you were already gone, and I knew where you'd be. I tried not to imagine what you were saying to her, but I couldn't help it and my heart ached under the hot water I tried not to pretend felt like your hands on my skin.

When I walked onto the Bridge, it seemed like it usually did, but I just couldn't bring myself to turn to look over my shoulder, afraid to see your eyes, once again brown as you looked at her. I didn't want to see it. I don't think I could stand it.

When you addressed me, I acknowledged you without turning around, forgoing etiquette to protect myself from you. I could almost hear it in your tone your disapproving, but that didn't matter much. I only talked to you when I was addressed, and when I was sure the question you had asked was sufficiently answered, I ceased talking. When you asked me a personal question, I ignored you, leaning forward to ask Sulu something, even though I knew the answer before I asked, and I still didn't turn around, even when your voice got that edge to it, the same edged tone you had with me last night, as if you were losing your patience with me, but you were Vulcan. You couldn't lose your patience, right? At least, that's what you would have said. I couldn't fathom why you would care if I were feeling alright or not.

The shift was uncomfortable, and when it came time for a break, I opted instead to remain where I was, watching everyone silently leave, catching some sideways glances that seemed worried for me, but no one said anything, and I was glad for that. I thought I was alone, and I got up, walking around the navigation console to stare out into space through the vid screen.

Watching the way everything stretched forward infinitely, forever, reminded me of how I would only be able to reach so far, how limited I was. I continued to stare, thinking about everything now that everything was over.

If I had made more of an effort when we were together, would it have changed where I stood now? If I had gotten everything off of my chest, laid it all out, even if you crushed it all, would I actually be able to let go? Perhaps. I wish you had devastated me, but you didn't. And the end was so ambiguous that I didn't know where to go now, but everything I held for you, every word and emotion that was for you, was still harbored within me, and it, too, had nowhere to go, and it's restriction meant for me that I would never be truly able to get past this.

I kept my eyes forward, even when I heard footsteps. I didn't turn around. I didn't need to. I just didn't care.

When it was you who came up and stood by my side, I turned away, but before I could leave, you asked me to stay. I had no reason to listen to you, but I stayed anyways, though I refused to look at you, turning only to face the vid screen again.

You asked me something, but I didn't really listen. I clenched my hands into fists and released my fingers, doing so a few times, still looking ahead. In the corner of my eye, I saw you turn towards me, but I didn't do the same.

I asked you what you wanted. Your eyes narrowed. I could feel what I thought to be contempt bore into me with your gaze. I sighed, but didn't say anything else for a while.

You turned away after a while.

I told you that I didn't hold it against you, what you did to me. This time, you turned fully towards me, and I could almost swear a little brown seeped into your eyes, but I couldn't tell because I didn't want to get lost in your eyes again. I told you that I understood, even though I didn't, and I said that though I wish it could have been different, I accepted the way it was.

Your hand inched toward me, as if you wanted to touch me, but you retracted your hand, clenching it tightly at your side.

You still didn't say anything and I walked away from you again, but you asked me to stop. This time, I didn't, and I left the Bridge and you standing there, though I didn't see your face, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't look back.

Later that evening, I was leaving Officer's Mess having confided everything into Bones, knowing he would be able to say something to me that would wake me out of my stupor, but he couldn't find the words, he just rested his hand on my shoulder, and that was good enough.

It's strange how small the ship can feel when you're trying not to run into someone. I heard you talking to someone in the hallway, and in spite of the fact that it would take twice as long to get back to my quarters, I went in the opposite direction from you. When someone called my name, my skin crawled, knowing that now, you knew I was here, and I couldn't stand having to see you right now, because everything was starting to sink in and everything that meant something to me was over and I just didn't want to have to say something to you.

I hurried that conversation and continued on my way, but you caught me on the turbolift, and when your fingers found the emergency stop button, my stomach sank to the floor and I begged you to spare me. I reached for the button to restart the lift, but you stood in the way, and I sighed, and fell back against the opposite wall.

I snapped at you then, asking you how it went with her. The acid in my voice made your eyes narrow, but it wasn't in anger, though I didn't see it that way. I told you that I couldn't stand to be just the one waiting around for you when things fell through, and even though my voice cracked, I ordered you to restart the lift, or so help me.

You defied me then, even in the face of my empty threat, and you asked me what was wrong.

My voice croaked, and I was so angry with myself, but I couldn't stop the words now. I condemned you. There wasn't a nicer way to describe what I had said. I cursed you and blamed you and I told you that it hurt me in every possible way to be standing here with you right now. I resisted the urge to punch you.

Your eyes were wide, and they were… brown.

And they were for me. But my eyes narrowed.

I asked you what game you were playing and your voice dropped, deep and upset, even though you would claim that it wasn't an emotion I heard reverberating in your words.

You asked me what I would say if you were to apologize, and I so unceremoniously told you to go to Hell, because you and your brown eyes broke me and I didn't want to be her replacement anymore and if she didn't want you anymore, neither did I, and it was just going to have to be tough shit.

I pushed past you then to the control panel, and you stepped out of the way, though when my ear was within centimetres of your mouth, you whispered that you were sorry and that I didn't deserve the way you had treated me.

I told you that you didn't deserve the way I had loved you, even though I still did, I used the past tense, and watched your face contort ever-so-slightly at my words, and any pleasure I should have gotten from hurting you never came.

Everything was everything, but everything was over and it could have been everything, but you never wanted it to be.

Was it too late for you and your brown eyes? I tried to convince myself that it was so, but the softness I saw in those eyes made me question my resolve.

I told you that I wasn't ready to forgive you and that you would have to prove it to me that you wouldn't try to use me again. I looked you in the eyes for the first time since last night, and they were so soft and sad. I knew my eyes were harsh, and that reflected in your eyes. I asked you if you really wanted me and your sad, brown eyes, flashed and you said yes.

But when the lift doors opened, I stepped out, breaking our glances and walked down the hallway.

But you didn't just let me walk away this time. You didn't follow me or grab me, but you called my name and I turned to see you standing there as the doors started to close and I told you that if you really wanted me, you would have to work for it, and the slightest smile reached your eyes and you said you would do everything, just as the doors closed.