Buck came into the saloon after dropping off the cot and some dinner to Chris and Nathan at the clinic. Ezra was alone at a table, playing solitaire, and Buck sat down with him. He took off his hat and rubbed his eyes.
"How fares our young Mr. Tanner?" Ezra asked, concern bordering on alarm in his voice, seeing the look on Buck's face.
"Ahh - hell if I know Ezra." Buck said. "Guess his fever's backed off a little bit, 'n he got some soup down into him. But Nathan's got that dead serious look on his face, and if Chris grits his teeth any harder we're gonna have to get him store-bought." He flipped his hat onto the table with a backward toss. "I need a beer..." He signaled the bartender.
"Has Nathan found any mercurius bin?" Ezra asked.
"Yeah, Eagle Bend. Praise God." Buck said. An honest prayer. The bartender set his beer on the table.
"Amen, Brother." Ezra toasted with his shot glass. "I gather that's where I saw Josiah racing off to moments ago."
"Yep, swore he'd be back by nightfall."
"And Mr. Dunne would be found...?"
"Sitting outside Nathan's door, 'case anything's needed..." Buck said. They drank a moment or two in silence, then Ezra had to ask:
"Tell me Buck - would you have thought, all those months ago, before our little band formed, that today you would be sitting here, keeping vigil for a rough-hewn, unkempt, untamed, illiterate bounty hunter?"
"Ezra - all those months ago I wouldna thought that today I'd know what the word 'unkempt' even means..." But Buck smiled and shook his head. "We all kinda growed on each other, ain't we? Who'd 'a thought I'd be ridin' with a preacher, or Chris with a greenhorn or you -" Buck caught himself a second too late.
" - - with an ex-slave..." Ezra supplied. "...indeed..."
"I just mean - friends is where you find 'em, and sometimes you find 'em where you need 'em...y'know what I mean?" Buck was trying hard to overcome his mis-statement.
"I do know Buck." Ezra said. "Chris is a hero to JD, which they both need. Nathan's and my friendship has in many ways been healing for both of us." But the conversation was getting much to serious. "And you, Mr. Wilmington, certainly need salvation more than any of us which is something Brother Sanchez has in ample supply..."
They both got a laugh out of that. Then Buck asked:
"And that puts Vin where? What does he need?"
Since his mother's service, Ezra had made it a point to study Vin, wanting to understand a man apparently completely self-contained. He said: "I believe Vin needs a great many things that he is either unaware of, unable to ask for, or unwilling to risk needing from another human being."
"Such as?"
Ezra spread his hands and rattled off his conclusions. "He needs a family. He needs to know that he is accepted whether or not he is able to read. He needs a place he feels comfortable calling home." One thing especially though had become clear to Ezra these past few days as they all discussed Vin and his past. "He needs to know that his grandparents were wrong when they made him feel worthless and unlovable. He needs to know that he can be touched by another human being without it hurting him. He needs to know that he belongs - and not to put too fine a point on it Buck, Vin needs to know that he belongs with us."
M7*M7*M7
It was daylight when Vin opened his eyes. Daylight still? Or daylight again? He'd lost track of the days. No, it couldn't have been too long since he closed his eyes, Chris still had that puzzled look, staring at a picture in one of Nathan's medical books.
"What the hell is that?" He was asking, quietly.
"That's your liver..." Nathan looked over his shoulder at the page.
"That ain't my liver." Chris declared.
"That's everybody's liver Chris..."
And as the argument continued, Vin's eyes closed again and he shifted slightly under the blankets. He was nearly sitting upright against the pillows with blankets tucked behind so that he could breathe easier. He was as comfortable as he could be, still in pain but not as bad. The chills and the heat had come to some agreement and he didn't have the shakes, at least not right now.
Chris was still there, in the chair right beside the bed, looking a little worse for wear as the day progressed. Vin felt ashamed that he'd so desperately asked Chris to stay with him. Asked? No - begged - and Vin never begged. Even with his eyes closed, he turned his face further away from Chris at the memory of it.
At the movement, all conversation ceased while Nathan and Chris both tried to determine if Vin was awake, or merely restless in his sleep. Nathan moved to the bed and laid his hand on Vin's forehead to check his fever. Vin flinched and opened his eyes, pulling away in fear.
"It's okay Vin. It's just me." Nathan tried to reassure him. "I didn't mean t'scare you."
"...could warn a person..." Vin grumbled and turned away again. Not for want of trying, there was absolutely no energy behind his voice. It came out a hoarse whisper. He wondered if it would be polite to ask Chris to leave now.
But Nathan wasn't done with him. "Vin - I need you to drink some more soup, as long as you're awake." Vin only moaned and tried to turn further away.
"Vin. .." Chris used his intimidating voice again. Earlier in the day - was it today? - that had been reassuring to Vin, that Chris cared enough to be worried enough to threaten him. Now it was just pissin' Vin off. Sure, he was sick, but he still knew his body and what it needed better than anybody. And right now he didn't need to eat.
"Ain't hungry."
"Don't matter." Chris said.
"Ain't hungry." And it suddenly flashed into Vin's mind all the times as a child he'd gone hungry, because he'd been bad, or - more usually - he'd simply been forgotten. He remembered that first and only time he'd refused to eat a boiled potato because it was still hard inside. How many times was he slapped for that till finally, crying, hands shaking, and flinching whenever somebody moved, did he choke down that awful potato? How many times after that did he wish he had that potato?
He had that memory on his mind when Chris touched his shoulder to get his attention and Vin put his arm up to block it.
"Don't touch me," and he was surprised that it was only Chris. "You - y'startled me..." He tried to apologize. "I ain't hungry. I'll eat when I am. Okay?"
"You need to keep your strength up." Nathan said.
"I said I ain't hungry!" If Vin'd had the voice, he'd be yelling.
Chris was worried and tired and about at the end of his nerves. Still, he tried to maintain his calm and reason with Vin. "Vin - just take a swallow, just a little bit. Don't gotta be much."
"I don't want it. Why can't y'all just leave me be? I drank that cupful before when I didn't want to. So just leave me be."
Chris was losing his control on his temper. "Vin - you're gonna take the soup, either on your own or I will feed it to you. Your choice."
"Who died and made you my Pa?" Vin demanded. And the look that crossed Chris' face was so murderous Vin actually shrank down into the pillow out of a real fear that he was about to be slugged. He wanted to say he was sorry but didn't know how. Nathan came between them, blocking their sight of each other.
"All right, both of you. We ain't got time for this."
"I agree." A voice said and all three men turned to see Nettie in the doorway. "You two -" She pointed to Nathan and Chris. "Out. Get some air, get some food, just get it somewhere else." She pulled off her coat and her gloves, setting them on the foot of the bed, not bothering and not needing to see if her order was being carried out. Nathan gently nudged Chris out the door and closed it behind them. Nettie brought the bowl of soup to the bed.
"Y'ain't gotta stay." Vin said, trying to sound fierce. Nettie was in no way impressed.
"On your best day you couldn't stir me off a pin, now open up. You'll eat this soup."
Vin hesitated, scowling. "Well, I ain't gonna talk to you." He said.
"Good, because I'm in no humor to listen to you...open up." And Nettie fed him a few spoonfuls of the clear soup. It hurt to swallow but he had to admit, it tasted good. "Although I would like to know why you were gettin' so ornery with your friends when all they're trying to do is take care of you."
"...can take care of myself..."
Now it was Nettie's turn to scowl. "Well, there'd be a whole lot more weight behind those words if you could as much as hold a spoon on your own. Since y'cant, I reckon you'll take the help you need." And Vin didn't answer her.
She continued to feed him, as slow as he needed to be able to swallow, and as they got near the end, tears rolled down Vin's face. He closed his eyes and turned away and Nettie let him. She set the bowl aside and put a hand on his arm.
"What is it Vin?" Her voice was close and gentle. "You can tell me honey. What's troublin' you?"
But he couldn't answer her and she sat on the bed and gathered him into her arms to hold him. He clung to her like he'd never done to anyone before, and he cried like he never had before. Nettie held him and felt the weight of the pain he'd carried too long.
"You go on ahead and cry son. Lord knows you need it."
M7*M7*M7
A thundercloud raged into the saloon on the shoulders of Chris Larabee, slamming chairs, shoving customers, demanding whiskey.
"Good Lord..." Ezra said. "...Buck - do you imagine..?"
They shot out of their chairs, both instantly convinced that Vin was dead. They knew better than to approach Chris, they headed for the door and nearly ran into Nathan. The fact that he was there only reinforced their dread.
"Nathan - Vin - is he -" Buck couldn't get the words out.
"Mr. Jackson - please - please do not inform us that the worst has occurred and Mr. Tanner has - has -." Even Ezra was at a loss. "Nathan - please..."
But Nathan dispelled their worries as fast as he could. "No - Vin's holdin' on. Nettie is there, done shooed us out." Buck and Ezra breathed out their relief.
"Thank the good Lord..." Ezra said.
"Amen Brother Standish." Buck agreed. "How is he though, Nathan? Vin - he awake? His fever worse?"
"Naah, same as he was when you were up there."
"Then what in the hell bit Chris? Way he come barrellin' in here, figured -" Buck still couldn't say the words.
Nathan chose to omit his part in the little scene that had just taken place. "Chris pushed once too often and Vin managed a pretty nasty response. Hardly had the breath to talk, but he did make his point."
They looked over to the table where Chris had flung himself, swigging whiskey, glowering at nothing in particular. All three of his friends chose the better part of valor and stayed away from him.
M7*M7*M7
Vin was back down in the pillows, turned onto his side, turned away from Nettie. She still sat on the bed, softly stroking his arm, waiting for him to say something, anything.
"Vin, honey, you have to talk to me. You have to talk to somebody. Whatever it is, it's eating you alive."
But he stayed silent. His body shook occasionally, choking on unshed tears and they stayed that way for almost an hour, till it was nearly dark, and the sound of heavy footsteps up the stairs made them both look to the door.
"Don't let anybody in." Vin pleaded.
"Don't worry son. Nobody'll get past me." She went to the door and opened it just enough that Vin saw Josiah and he turned back away as fast as he could. Josiah saw Vin's face and knew not to say anything to him.
"Ma'am, sorry to disturb you." Josiah touched the brim of his hat. "Is Nathan here? I've brought the medicine."
"Over to the saloon I reckon. Sent him and Chris out for some air."
"Thank you ma'am. I'll have a look there." And with one more look toward Vin, he hurried back down the stairs to the street to find Nathan.
On the bed, Vin relaxed. Chris would come back with Nathan, and then Vin could apologize for what he'd said. All he had to do now was wait a few minutes, and Chris would come back. He closed his eyes. Nettie saw the change in Vin's body, and she thought the same thing he did. She sat on the bed beside him again, on the pretext of rearranging the blankets.
"You set quite a store by Mr. Larabee, don't you Vin?" Vin turned to look at her, surprised, but didn't say anything. "You're figurin' he'll come back with Nathan."
"I just - I gotta apologize for what I said."
"Plenty of time for you to apologize when you've got breath in your body."
"No - ain't got time to wait. Might - might..." His lifeless voice trailed off and he turned away. "Ain't got time to wait."
Nettie watched him silently. Seemed to her Vin's life was broken into three parts - the five years he spent with his Ma, the twenty-odd years after she died, and now, the time since he'd become one of Seven. Seemed to her the shortest spans of time in his life were the most important. Twenty-odd years of misery he'd be able to forget if only, right now, his best friend would walk through that door.
"Then honey, for your sake, I hope he does come."
M7*M7*M7They heard the footsteps, coming up the stairs to the balcony and Vin listened without turning. Nathan came in, followed by Josiah...then they shut the door. They shut the door. Vin listened as hard as he could. They wanted the door shut so that he didn't get cold, that was all. Chris was just a little farther behind. He'd be coming in soon. He had to be coming soon.
"Vin?" Nathan touched his shoulder. "C'mon 'n turn around. You've got to take this medicine."
Vin turned.
"Ain't Chris comin'?" The only thing he cared about.
"He's just gettin' somethin' to eat." Nathan lied. "He'll be along directly."
And Vin nodded, and took the dose of mercurius bin and laid his head down again to listen and to wait.
And Chris didn't come.
tbc