Josiah and JD finished their evening turn around town, heading to their respective rooms, dry clothes and warm beds. Just as they were about to part ways, a sound reached them over the dwindling downpour and thunder - the sound of someone yelling. Just one voice, arguing with someone or something that didn't argue back. Both men pulled their guns and advanced on the sound - it came from the direction of the cemetery.
In a few dozen long strides they came in view of the rocky patch. In the darkness, they could only make out a thin shadow, close to the ground, could only hear a raw voice cursing someone who didn't answer.
"Sounds like Vin. " JD said. Josiah only nodded, keeping his eyes on the shadow as they made their way closer to it, waiting for the next bolt of lightning to tell them what was going on.
When it came - three rapid fire flashes of brilliance in a row - and they saw what was happening, JD took a step toward the cemetery. Josiah held him back with a hand to his chest. Without turning his head from where he could barely make out Vin, he said to JD:
"Get Chris, get Nathan. Get 'em now." And JD was off at a run through the muddy, raging street, back to the boarding house, back to Nathan's.
Josiah holstered his weapon and walked the final length to where Vin Tanner, hatless, coatless, and unarmed, knelt in the mud, beating on his mother's headstone and grinding handfuls of mud into her name. All the while crying out to her.
"Damn you - y'left me! Y'knew what he'd do to me! Y'knew what they was like! How could y'leave me like that? Why didn't y'try harder to live? Damn you for leavin' me like that! I loved you and y'left me all alone. Stinkin' no good mother - didn't love me at all did you? Left first chance y'got, y'coward! Stinkin' no good coward - damn y'to hell anyway for leavin' me like that!"
Vin didn't hear the measured steps behind him as he poured his anguish out onto cold stone. He didn't know anyone was near him till he felt strong arms corral him in an immoveable embrace. Startled, terrified, Vin fought against his captor, cursing and kicking, reaching for the gun that wasn't at his side. Forgetting, in his fury, every trick and talent he'd ever learned for escape. Just an unbound instinct to survive held secure in strong arms.
Josiah let Vin rage. He had no difficulty confining the slight body, made slighter and weaker by illness. He'd have bruises to show for it in the morning, but he held onto Vin and began to shepherd him to the church.
"Vin, it's Josiah. You're safe. Ain't nobody gonna hurt you son. You're safe."
He could only hope that the words would get through as he pushed, pulled, and dragged them both through the treacherous mud.
"I ain't gonna let you hurt yourself Vin. You hafta calm down, you want me to let you go. You hear me? You calm down now."
Vin was set to run - body, mind, and soul. He didn't know who had him, but he had to get away. He tried pulling at the arms that imprisoned him but his muddy hands found no purchase and the arms didn't budge. He was being dragged - God where? He fought and hollered, and quickly used up what little strength he had. His feet tangled and tripped up some steps, and he expected to be let fall and dragged up again by his collar and his hair. But the imprisoning arms steadied him, and held him upright and Vin began to notice that the grip didn't hurt, and the rumble so close to his ears wasn't the thunder but a deep and familiar voice. He quieted down and began to pay attention to his surroundings again.
By the time Josiah wrangled Vin up the steps and into the church, the tracker had stopped fighting him. He hoped that was a good sign. The inside of the church was dark but dry, and he kicked the door shut behind himself to keep the wind out.
"Vin - you hear me? You promise not to run or fight me, I'll let you go. You stay inside here and let me light some candles, we'll get this all sorted out."
He waited a moment to see what Vin would do before letting him go.
"Josiah?" a confused voice asked.
"Right here with you, son." Josiah felt Vin's hands come up to touch his arms, still wrapped around him. Not fighting Josiah this time, not trying to escape, just trying to track what was going on. "You gonna stand here and let me light them candles?"
He felt rather than saw Vin nod, and slowly eased his grip. Another moment or two of waiting before he went to light some candles.
"She left me...too..." Vin accused. In the candlelight, Josiah could see Vin staring toward the floor. He was soaked through from the rain and covered in mud nearly head to foot, hands thick with it.
"I'm not leaving you Vin. " Josiah said gently. "I'm staying right here with you."
"Ain't you I meant." he whispered. He didn't take his eyes off the floor.
"Who then?"
"Don't know." Vin shrugged. "Whoever was with me when I'se sick."
"We were all with you, one time or another..."
"Ain't you I meant..." He raised his hands, seeing the mud for the first time. His mind cleared and he stared up at Josiah, scared. "What'd I do?" He only had vague recollections of rain and wind and mud.
"Think you had yourself a walking nightmare, Vin "
But Vin knew it wasn't a dream, it'd been real. His hands hurt and he was covered in mud, and freezing cold. That wasn't a dream, not even a nightmare. It was real.
The door burst open and Nathan hurried inside - he'd been warned by JD to expect Vin to be suffering a fit of some kind. But Vin stood silently - hatless, coatless, and unarmed - covered in mud. He raised his hands to Nathan.
"What'd I do?" Nathan would tell him the truth. But Vin couldn't finish the real question: What'd I do that she left me alone? What'd I do that all I got was pain and starvation and loneliness? What'd I do? and his friends were left to think he meant what'd he do tonight, just now, to get so dirty.
Nathan approached him slowly.
"I don't know Vin. ..I don't know what you did. Are you hurt? Did you hurt your hands?"
"Vin. .." Josiah walked closer behind him and put his hands on Vin's shoulders He only meant to reassure him, but Vin twisted away.
"Leave me be. Ain't gonna run - leave me be."
He kept an equal distance between himself and the other two. They weren't answering his question and it frustrated him. A strong wind shook the church and made the candles flicker. If they blew out Vin knew he'd be in the darkness again. In the dark and all alone.
"What'd I do?" he tried again. They had to have an answer to his question, they had to. "Why'd she leave me? What'd I do so wrong she'd leave me all alone - just a kid and nobody to look out for me?"
He'd reached the end of his strength fighting Josiah and his mother's headstone. If he'd had any left at all, he would've walked out of the church and to the livery, and rode out of town until something made sense again.
But he didn't have any strength left. He stood in a drafty church, between two men - two friends - who wanted nothing more right now than to ease his physical and spiritual pain. And he cried, hating that he did, and not even sure why he was. First with Nettie back at Nathan's clinic, and now here. It scared him but he didn't have the presence of mind or will to walk out of the church, or to even turn away from his astonished friends. He closed his eyes as tight as he could and raised his muddy, shaking hands over his mouth as his body shook with sobs.
Josiah moved to him again, and this time Vin didn't push away.
"It's all right son...it's all right." He put his arm around Vin and held him. "It's all right. You didn't do anything and you're not alone."
Vin could hear Josiah's voice, felt his hands, but he was so tired, so embarrassed. He wanted nothing more than to be away from everybody, on his own. Away from the noise and the voices and the memories.
Nathan went into Josiah's room and brought out a basin and some towels. He wanted to start getting the mud off of Vin so he could check for injuries. Josiah kept whispering comfort and support to the young man he sheltered in his arms. Neither of the men were embarrassed, or even shocked. Vin'd been wrestling with something for two weeks or more now, and each had seen older, stronger men overwhelmed by internal demons. Each man was grateful that he could be there to help.
Finally, Vin began to calm down. "I'm sorry." he said as soon as he could get the words out. Sorry for what? For alarming them? For making them take care of him?
"Don't you be sorry Vin. You haven't done one thing wrong." Josiah told him..
"Can I sit down?" His voice was still shaky. Crying scared him.
"Sure, here, right behind you."
They sat on a half-refinished pew. Josiah kept his hand on Vin's shoulder. They were both covered in mud. Vin wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, catching his breath a few times on unshed tears. Nathan offered him a wet towel and Vin used it to lifelessly wipe the mud off his hands. Josiah hoped that in this moment of vulnerability, Vin would really talk to him. But he'd already begun to close in on himself.
"I should go..." he said without looking at either of his friends. "Don't think I locked my door on the way out..."
Nathan crouched in front of him to keep him from moving. "Vin - what's goin' on?"
Vin closed his eyes and turned his face to not see Nathan or Josiah. He felt those unshed tears rushing into his eyes. "I just want to go to sleep." He was so tired.
"I think he should stay here tonight." Josiah rubbed his hand across Vin's shoulders. H wasn't about to let Vin wander in own torment alone.
"You know, that's a good idea." Nathan ventured to put his hand on Vin's shaking, muddy arm, and Vin let him. "Or come up to my place. Anywhere we can get you cleaned up proper, and keep an eye on you tonight."
The prospect of someone watching over him, so that he could really sleep, settled comfortably on Vin and it showed unspoken in his face as he looked up. "You want to come with me?" Nathan asked and Vin nodded, so slightly he almost didn't nod at all.
M7*M7*M7The inside of the saloon held the familiar tang of whiskey, smoke, and men. Chris, Buck, and Ezra sat a table far enough away from the door to stay out of the wind, sharing a slow bottle of whiskey between them.
"So, Vin don't like his room." Buck sighed and took a drink. "Well, that boy has lived an uncommon life. Might be he'd be more comfortable in a tipi or a lean-to." He didn't say it as an insult, just an observation. "Me, I like the comforts..."
"Yes, but what is Heaven to one man is likely to be Hell to another." Ezra said. "Perhaps he over spoke his longing this morning, or perhaps our interpretation of his remarks exceeded his original intent."
"I thought he was gonna tear the place apart when we first walked in there. " Chris told them. "Got real mild though when he saw the rocking chair. And the quilt. Reminded him of his Ma he said."
Ezra smiled. "A quilt and a rocking chair are lovely memories to associate with one's mother. Warmth, safety, and comfort - terrible things to lose at such an early age."
"He don't talk much about his Ma." Buck said. He poured himself another drink. "He talk much about her to you Chris?" He figured if Vin would tell anybody, he'd tell Chris.
"No, little bits here and there. It's like he's shy of talkin' about her."
"Protecting her memory." Buck offered. "Afraid what people might say about her... I know what that's like. Been dead a long time, she's still his Ma. Still gotta respect her."
Chris was about to nod his agreement when JD ran into the saloon, scattering mud and raindrops in his wake.
"Chris! Vin - down at the cemetery. He's havin' a fit, cursin' his Ma, beatin' on her headstone. Josiah's with him. I already sent Nathan down there - you better get there too."
All three men were out of their chairs in a movement.
"JD - check his room at the boarding house, see if anything might've happened there." Chris said. His voice was urgent. "We'll head down to the cemetery."
M7*M7*M7
The three men hurrying from the saloon met up with the three men walking from the church just as they were coming to the stairs up to the clinic. Josiah walked beside Vin down the boardwalk, Nathan went on ahead to get things ready. Vin stopped walking when Chris approached him.
"Hey Vin..." Chris tried to sound casual, but he'd been worried by JD's description of Vin having a 'fit'. "Hated the room that much did you?"
"Bad dream." Vin whispered.
"You goin' to Nathan's and get cleaned up?" and Vin nodded. "I'll bring you some clean clothes, how about that?"
"What'd I do?" Vin asked again, lifting his hands to Chris. They'd cleaned most of the heavy mud off him at Josiah's. But his hands and face were streaked with it, and it was ground into his clothes. Chris looked to Josiah for an answer, but the preacher only shook his head to not pursue it right now.
"How about we talk about that tomorrow?" Chris asked Vin. "Get you cleaned up now."
"...'kay..." Vin answered, disappointed, and ambled on toward Nathan's.
M7*M7*M7
Vin refused help getting cleaned up. "I can do it." he insisted wearily, moving slowly, seeming to need to breathe deeper than usual. Only Chris and Nathan remained in the clinic and Vin's one concession was to let them empty the constantly muddy water out of the basin and pour fresh water in as he washed his face and hands. Finally, he picked up the clean clothes and turned to his friends.
"Well? Had enough a'gettin' dressed 'n undressed in a crowd when I'se sick. Don't need no help now."
He sounded tired and disagreeable and Chris and Nathan obliged him by going onto the balcony, where the other four waited, while Vin changed.
"What the hell happened?" Chris asked Josiah and JD. "What was he doing?"
Josiah shrugged. "JD 'n me came upon him cursin' his mother out a blue streak for dying and leaving him..."
"And he was scrubbin' handfuls of mud across her name on the stone." JD added. "Like he was tryin' to hide it or cover it." and Chris shook his head at everything he didn't understand.
M7*M7*M7
"Ain't had s'many changes a' clothes in a week since I don't know when..." Vin muttered to himself as he put on warm, dry, clean clothes. "Ain't ever gonna be able t'pay the laundress up..."
He buttoned his trousers and pulled on his shirt and sat on Nathan's bed to put socks on his feet. The room looked so familiar from this angle. This was where'd he'd died and come back to life again. This was where - what? Where that heartbeat had kept him from going to ground. This was where - who? Who had held him warm and secure, and spoken steady words to him till he came back to life.
This was where he was safe, this was where he wasn't alone.
M7*M7*M7
When they didn't hear anything else after awhile, Chris and Nathan went back in to find Vin in the bed and already sound asleep. Chris shuddered to remember the long nights Vin had lain there so motionless. It'd been asked before and he had to ask it again now.
"He gonna be all right?"
"Just wore himself out Chris. Too soon for him to be up and around. I checked his throat - it looks angry, but it's healin'. Just let him sleep. You go on home now and let the boy sleep. You come back tomorrow when we're all rested..."
M7*M7*M7
No one was in the street the next morning when Vin left Nathan's room. The sky was pink to the East, the town gray and chill, with the promise of more warmth later in the day. He wandered down the wooden sidewalk slowly, enjoying the fresh air, not noticing anything in particular.
Chris was at his window, watching down the street to Nathan's when he saw Vin come out and down the steps. In a few moments, he was at his side.
"Hey there - ." He had to physically stop Vin in his tracks to get him to notice. "Where you headed?"
Vin turned tired eyes up to his friend. "...walk..."
"Well, I'll go with you."
"...'kay."
Chris motioned Vin to start walking back the way he'd come. Vin turned with no protest, he didn't even notice. They made no conversation as they headed back to Nathan's. Chris studied Vin's condition. His shirt was untucked and misbuttoned. His eyes had the brightness of fever and his hair was damp with it.
"How you doing, Vin?" He finally asked.
"Needed some fresh air. Tired though."
"Maybe you should get some more rest."
"Yeah."
Nathan watched from the top of his stairs. Vin hadn't gotten far when Nathan missed him. By the time he'd followed him out, Chris was walking him back. Now they made their way up the stairs slowly. Vin suddenly became so tired that he would've sat right there on the stairs. When he faltered, Chris took his arm. They stopped where they were but Chris felt Vin lean into the support.
"We're almost there Vin, you'll be able to lay down and get some rest." And after a few moments they finished their trek up the stairs.
When Vin was back in bed, asleep in a heartbeat, Chris looked down at him. He looked so young.
"I forget that Vin ain't much older than JD."
"Then the two of them cook up some prank and it's harder to remember that he IS older." Nathan added. He looked up at Chris and saw many things crossing his eyes.
"He'll sleep awhile now Chris. You know there's not that much wrong with his body anymore, but his soul is taking a long time to heal."
"Soul usually does." Chris spoke from experience. "I'll stay with him. You look tired."
Nathan knew he was nowhere near as tired as Chris, but he gave Chris the time with their friend.
"Wake me up if he needs anything."
"I will."
To be continued