Rationality
Who is your best friend? What defines him? Can a "best friend" ever truly be defined?
At age eight, he was the boy you saved and abandoned more times than either of you could count; you would do anything for him, and yet you turned away over things that later seemed so stupid, so petty. But you were so young then, and that was what children did, how they interacted. At least, that is what you tell yourself, but you still don't feel that justifies anything.
He was the boy you would have done anything for. You were willing to carve the fatass up to save him from dying of kidney failure. You dodged bullets and explosions for him, all for the sake of one stupid grade that meant so much to him. You were responsible for a storm that ravaged San Francisco and could have killed him and his family, all because you were trying so hard to bring him back home, back where he belonged, back to you. You were terrified when he wouldn't leave that cult, and did all you could to rescue him.
And yet he was also the boy whom you turned away from while still calling him your super best friend. You turned him away when he would not accept your dedication to your own cult, brief as that was. You watched him getting beaten up for not being "gay" enough, during that stupid metrosexual fad. You fought with him, actually out-and-out fought with him, over the name of some poor 90's guy you found frozen in ice. You even fought with him over Bebe's boobs, for God's sake, even though neither of you really understood it at the time. You shut him out when he tried to pull you out of the holes you kept digging yourself into with Wendy, again and again.
But the worst of it was when you put a gun to his head. A real gun, not one of the imaginary ones you'd use so often in your games, with real bullets, that could have really killed him. You never intended to fire it, but you still pointed it at him, you still put him in death's path. All for what? To save yourself from an embarrassing truth?
For being super best friends, you certainly tested the extent of that friendship. Even with all the shit you put him through, the good points must have somehow outweighed the bad. And so he kept you around. No... you kept each other around.
Is that what it's all about? Testing the strength of your bond? You're not sure, but you think that must be the case; that some part of you yearns for the constant affirmation that yes, you truly are dedicated to each other and no matter what shit you put each other through, at the end of the day, you'll still be there for one another.
After all, you need to rationalize your relationship, something that never can truly be rationalized. It's all you can do, because you need a reason. You can't just accept that you push and pull at each other for no reason at all. There has to be a reason for everything.
There has to be a reason why he kissed you.
Because you know, deep down, that neither of you is willing to risk your friendship. It's what's gotten you through the years, through elementary school and high school, to college and out of that hick mountain town you used to call home.
Yet that's what he's doing. By starting this, that's exactly what he's doing, and it scares you to death.
What if he decides later that it was a mistake? What if you decide it was a mistake? What then? Can you really just pick up the pieces after it's broken and go back to the way things once were? It's never that simple.
Or what if it isn't what you think - what if he's just trying to see how you react? To see if you're queer, to see if you like it or hate it... to see if you want it.
Maybe he wants it.
Maybe there is no rationalizing this. Maybe it's just what you both need, what you both want, and it's the only direction you can go. You need the affirmation that he'll always be there for you, and he needs it too.
There is no turning back. And even as you hope and pray that this doesn't all come crashing down around you and kill you both, you know that you wouldn't turn back even if you could.
There is no rationalizing this kind of love.