I don't really remember graduating high school. I don't really remember anything between now and his leaving.
I remember everything before with perfect clarity. I remember every mistake I made. I remember every kiss, every touch, every word whispered. Every moment of my own weakness. I remember him telling me so many times that we shouldn't have been together. I remember him walking away.
For six months I anguished inside my own head, looking for some truth that would rationalize his leaving.
I decided that he told the truth. He really didn't want to pretend he was human anymore. He was tired of trying.
This realization is what woke me up. He said he was tired. He is freaking immortal. He never has to sleep, never has to eat and he was tired? I was a human, risking my life every second we were together and he was tired?
How dare he? I was tired of pretending that I was never going to die- that I needed no sleep, no food. I was tired of being treated like child. I was surprised he didn't make me wear a helmet everywhere we went. Like some kind of special kid that didn't understand how to take care of herself.
The anger woke me up. The anger at him for presuming that I didn't feel the same way. I was mad at him for not speaking to me like an equal – for not discussing ending this with me. What am I, some puppy he found entertaining for a while, but when I grew up and got to be too much trouble, he just left me on the side of the road somewhere?
For the first time in six months, I felt emotion. I was glad for the anger. I would take it. It burned away all my sadness and hopelessness. It turned my love to ashes. He was never coming back and if he did…well, he wouldn't find me here waiting for him like that puppy – left at home while master goes out. I wouldn't be waiting here by my window, waiting for him.
I was leaving. I was done with high school. I would pack and leave and go somewhere he would never think to go. I would grow and live. While I knew I could never replace him, I could hope to just make due. My anger would be my companion and it would keep me above my despair until I could rebuild my life in a new place. Away from the misty forest where he used to carry me like a backpack.
Hold up! Why the hell could he never walk my speed? Why did we always have to tearing around the forest at mach 9 because he was so damn impatient!
I would go south. To sun and wind and storms and dry dusty fields. I would go to hills and valleys and rivers and sky wide open no clouds no fog. Where vampires only come out at night and where the Cullens, with their sophisticated shells covering their monstrous ways, would never deign to go.
To the country to the backwoods. Where I could live my life as simply or as complicated as I choose. Where I could be independent.
Where Edward would never follow me.
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