Why did I always have to go do the one thing that makes my life unravel before my very eyes?

You know, this whole "self-loathing, deny-yourself-because-you-are-a-monster-and-deserve-zero-happiness" thing is getting completely out of hand.

I couldn't stand being there any longer.

My life had completely focused on one human girl.

I used to be above that kind of petty attachment. I had spent my life denying myself so I could be above it all. Emotional attachment was for the weak. Lowly creatures were moved by emotion.

All of my decisions were based solely on my intellect. When one is ruled by emotions, those emotions could be used against you. You could be coerced. You could be blackmailed.

It was smart to leave Bella before my feelings for her could be used against me. I had to leave her before the Volturi found out about my weakness – use her to get to me.

Aro had always coveted my "talent". My ability to hear the thoughts of those around me had aroused a hunger of acquisition in the old, powerful vampire leader. The more he insisted I join him, join his quest to lord over the world's immortal population with his rules of conduct, to more vehemently I refused to join.

I refuse to join his merry band of sycophantic followers, the terror twins Jane and Alec, the locator, Demetri, and strongman Felix, to name a few. They live sick, sadistic lives to benefit their masters Aro, Caius, and Marcus. Aro is the true leader of those three ancient foes to vampire freedom.

The problem was not in my refusal. The problem was that I was the first to refuse him, and Aro loves a challenge. The more I refused, the more he grew to covet my abilities. He now believes that he must acquire me at all costs. It is a game to him. A deadly game.

Because I know he would stop at nothing to force my acquiescence to his rule. He plays within his own set of guidelines, though. No lives taken. He wouldn't kill anyone in his insane bid for my allegiance. But turn someone into a vampire? He wouldn't hesitate.

That's one of the reasons I left Bella. I left her so Aro wouldn't come after her and force my hand while threatening to turn her immortal. With one touch of his hand, he would know how badly I would dread that for her. The ending of her human life because of me would cause me such pain, I would gladly join his coven, if only to spare her.

That was the reason I kept feeding myself in that endless moment in the woods behind her house. I was leaving her to keep her safe. I was leaving her for her, right?

Not totally.

The much, much more selfish part of my being left her because I was scared.

I was terrified of the hold she had on me. I was shocked at the way all my priorities slipped behind her. I could not believe that in a few, short months I had changed from a cool, rational personality to one moved by emotional reactions. If she was in danger, I must protect her. If she was sad, I must make her smile.

And honestly, it just got to the point where I had to ask – What about me?

What if I was sad? What could this mortal human know of a century of despair, of hating one's self so much it was a physical ache?

She could never understand me. I did not consider her my equal. I had to be with an equal.

So I left her.

I left her broken, tore away a future I knew she had created in her mind. A future including me, but she couldn't hold me there and I proved it.

And now here I am, writhing in emotional pain – no, swamped by it. Leaving her was sheer idiocy on my part. An idiotic plan to save myself from her.

I have some serious attachment issues.

No, I'm just the most monumental ignoramus in the history of the known universe.

But I have saved her from Aro.

Oh shut up you pompous, emotionally ignorant pig!

At least I'm self-aware.

HA!

Review please! I promise the story picks up pace later! BPOV, EPOV, APOV, and much much more! =]