Disclaimer: The rights to Star Trek belong to Gene Roddenberry, and NuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.
A/N: Crackfic! So this is based on the famous SNL sketch, the Spartan Cheerleaders. Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri were the performers, and they were hilarious as the overtly cheezy high school cheerleaders. K/S. Sulu/Chekov!!!
Here's the link to the original skit – I'd suggest watching it first. Just take out all the spaces. http: // www . hulu . com / watch / 4162 / saturday-night-live-chess-tournament
Warning – OOC Spock, OOC everyone!
Vulcan Spirit Cheerleaders!
.~.
"Checkmate, Captain."
Spock wasn't smiling, because Vulcans do not smile. However, Jim noted, there was a hint of smug inflection in his First's voice. Kirk couldn't believe it – he'd lost again! He was certain that he could beat Spock this time – he'd used the most unorthodox strategy yet, but the Vulcan hadn't batted an eyelash. This is so humiliating, Jim thought to himself, though his face betrayed none of his thoughts.
"Good game, Spock." Kirk grinned at his opponent. They had begun their nightly chess ritual after Uhura had broken up with Spock, citing that it wasn't him, it was her. Jim didn't want Spock to be alone with his science experiments without any form of socialization, hence the chess invitations. "I'm afraid I can't help but realize that this is the tenth time in a row you have beaten me." Spock raised an eyebrow – he hadn't expected Jim to come right out and admit that fact.
"That is correct." Jim barely controlled his frustration. He had done everything he'd thought of to distract the Vulcan's focus, save for hitting on him. He wasn't that desperate! Yet... If his chess record didn't change soon, he'd be tempted to try it. Which would be a very bad decision! Jim had to work extra hard to build a fragile friendship with Spock; he didn't want to risk losing that over a silly infatuation. Not to mention it would be unprofessional, and Jim was all about his professional status these days.
"Ya know, I've been thinking, Spock," Jim prattled on. "If we moved our chess games to a public venue, I believe the outcome of the game might be different."
"Explain," the Vulcan said coolly.
"I thought we could play in Rec Room One and invite the crew to watch!" Jim smiled happily at the confused Vulcan. "It's only logical - it would be good for morale for the crew to see their officers playing amongst them. Plus, it would introduce a whole new dynamic into our game." Spock sighed, finally coming to the realization behind his captain's motivation.
"If you believe that I will grow nervous and perform less than optimally in front of an audience, you will be sadly mistaken, Captain." Jim chuckled.
"We'll see. So you'll do it?" The Vulcan raised an eyebrow.
"I have no reason not to agree to your terms."
"Great!" Jim enthused, patting the commander on the arm, taking pleasure in how Spock's face tinged green at the innocent contact. "How about next week, same time?"
"That would be adequate."
"Excellent." Jim smiled, training his captivating baby blues on his Vulcan. "It's a date." Spock awkwardly cleared his throat. He was not ignorant to the Terran connotations of that phrase.
"If you will excuse me, I must head to the bridge." Spock nodded at Jim. "Captain."
"Have a good shift, Mr. Spock!" Jim called after him. The second the door sealed behind Spock, Kirk punched his com console.
"Captain to Ensign Chekov."
"Chekov here, sir." The Russian's pubescent voice answered. Thankfully, he was always quick at answering his communicator.
Chekov had since turned eighteen, so he was no longer jailbait. However, many people on the ship, Kirk included, had taken it upon themselves to look after the 'kid'. Of course, the boy had something going on with Sulu, so it was mainly the pilot's job. Still, Jim would always keep an eye out for the curly-haired wiz kid, whom he regarded as a younger brother.
"Mr. Chekov, could you and Mr. Sulu meet me in my quarters at the end of Alpha shift?" Jim asked.
"Of course, Keptin," the ensign happily replied.
"Good," said Jim. "I have a favor to ask you two. It involves eating a bunch of sugar, tights, and making a general fool of yourselves…"
.~.
Next week, same time
Location: Rec Room One
"Velcome, Eweryone!" Chekov announced as he entered the Rec Room with his partner-in-crime. He and Sulu had just downed twenty replicated pixie sticks – each! They were all hyped up and rarin' to go. "Today is ze first public chess match between ze Keptin of ze Enterprise and his Commander!" The twenty or so crewmembers that happened to be socializing in the Rec Room clapped politely and then returned to their conversations.
"Woooooooo!" Bones shouted. He was off duty during the Kirk vs. Spock match because he wouldn't miss this for the world. "Kick his Vulcan ass, Jim!" Both Spock and Kirk gave the doctor a withering look. Bones just shook his head and grumbled, wishing Jim hadn't confided in him about his crush on the Vulcan. Spock would never go for Jim, not in a million years.
"Now, now, Doctor. Where are your manners? That's not how you spread the spirit." Sulu waved a finger at McCoy. The doctor finally noticed that Sulu and Chekov were wearing identical matching jade cheerleading uniforms with the word VULCANS embossed over their chests. Not only that, but they were wearing stick-on Vulcan ears! Apparently, Spock noticed too, because he turned a dark shade of green.
"What's going on, Jim?" Bones glared at his best friend. "Why the hell are tweedledee and tweedledum wearing hobgoblin paraphernalia?"
"Am I tweedledee?" Chekov asked.
"Pavel!" Sulu gasped. "That would make me tweedledum!"
"I'm sorry, Hikaru!" Chekov pouted. Sulu did not find him adorable! "But I'm just too intelligent to be tweedledum." Bones ignored them as they continued their pointless debate.
"Well, I thought our resident Vulcan could use some moral support," Jim explained. "I'm pretty damn sure most people here would cheer for me based on my awesome factor, so I wanted to make things fair for my good friend Spock." He beamed at Spock, who did not seem amused. "So I arranged some Vulcan cheerleaders!" Right on cue, Sulu and Chekov burst out into a cheer.
"V. U. L. C. A. N. That's the way we spell Vulcan!" The pilot and navigator chanted in unison. Jim thought he would secretly call them 'Sukov' (pronounced Suckoff) in his head, because it was funny. He only wished he'd thought of it first, but alas, it had been Bones's idea. That didn't mean he still couldn't take credit for it when Bones wasn't around!
"Captain, while I appreciate the gesture of equality," Spock began, "the cheerleaders really are not necessary-"
"I insist, Spock." Kirk said firmly. And that was that.
News travels fast on a starship, and in this instance, there was no exception. Soon word got around that there were "Vulcan cheerleaders" attending Spock and Kirk's chess match. The Rec Room became jammed with people wishing to be entertained by Sukov's combined activities.
"I've never seen anyone so excited about chess before," Jim commented as he moved a pawn.
"I cannot understand it, Captain," said Spock, refusing to look at the cheerleaders as they pumped up the crowd.
"Yeah, everyone hear it for our Vulcan!" Sulu shouted as Kirk and Spock's audience went wild with cheers, especially Nurse Chapel. (Half of them had crushes on Spock after all.) They also enjoyed anyone bringing their captain's ego down from the stratosphere. Being humbled was only healthy for someone who got mistaken for a god by unknown alien civilizations almost every other week.
"Wulcan spirit! Wulcan spirit! Wulcan spirit! Woo!" The Russian ensign chanted, causing people in the crowd to giggle at his badly pronounced V's. Spock was beating Kirk, but it was still really early in the game. Jim was enjoying watching Spock's eyebrow twitch every time Sukov did something illogical. Perhaps he'd have a chance at winning after all!
"Goooooooooo Meester Spock!" Pavel did a random toe touch, then turned to his partner. "Hikaru, he is playing, like, great chess right now," Chekov enthused. "He has a woracious appetite for competition!"
"I know, right!" Sulu gushed. "He's totally going to cream the captain. Cream the captain!" The Asian burst into laughter. "Hahahaha that rhymes!"
"Alright, how's my hair look?" Chekov asked, anxiously looking to his colleague for approval as he fluffed his curled coif. Sulu winced.
"It looks okay, Pav. You have some frizz, though. I'm sorry, I'm a friend." Chekov looked crushed, his innocent brown eyes wide with disappointment.
"I respect your honesty, but it still hurts." They shared a quick hug, and Chekov's sad puppy look suddenly evaporated.
"Oh my god!" Sulu cried, after they pulled away, returning their attention to the game which was starting to heat up. They watched as Kirk made an obvious move. "He's going for Spock's bishop." Pavel gasped, sharing a look of horror with Hikaru.
"Protect your bishop, Spock!!"
"Don't lose your bishop this early. Protect your bishop!" Sulu advised.
"Watch out for his horse," Chekov added. "Oh dear, Hikaru, he's not vatching!"
"Oh, that's a great defensive play," Sulu snorted as the Vulcan lost his bishop to Kirk. "C'mon, Spock! I thought Vulcans were supposed to be intelligent."
"Hikaru, we're supposed to be encouraging him," Chekov reminded his friend. Spock glared at Sulu, before returning his focus to the game.
"Oh yeah," Sulu laughed nervously. "Spock, Spock, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can!"
"I am not a man," Spock fumed, no longer able to ignore the 'cheerleaders'. "I am, as you have been yelling all night, Vulcan."
"Woo, Wulcan spirit!" Chekov yelled. "Let's hear it!"
"Argh," Spock growled, turning his back to his cheerleaders. He tried to focus on the game, but he was having a difficult time tuning out Chekov's voice.
"Sorry they're so overly enthusiastic," Jim chuckled. "You can just look at me all night."
"That would be preferable," Spock admitted. Kirk inwardly congratulated himself for getting Spock to focus on his gorgeous visage for the duration of the evening. Boy, he was such a genius sometimes!
Sukov continued with their routine as if nothing had happened.
"Roll call! Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee, roll call!" They yelled in unison. Sulu clapped as Chekov chanted his part.
"I'm Pavel Chekov, (clap clap) I have team spirit, (clap clap) I don't do drugs, (clap clap) so check me out!" The Russian placed a finger on his rear and let out a sizzling "zzzzzzzzst". Sulu thought Pavel's move was super sexy, but he was probably the only one in the room who did.
"Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee, roll call." Now it was Chekov's turn to clap while Sulu chanted.
"My name's Hikaru, (clap clap) I did drugs once…" (clap clap)
He held up one finger to exaggerate the point. After all, Sulu wasn't trying to glorify drug usage. His only foray into the world of experimental drugs had been the day before he first flew the Enterprise, too. No wonder he'd forgotten about the damn parking break!
"…I am a pilot, (clap clap) so check me out." He and Chekov stood back to back with their arms folded across their chests.
"So check us out!" They both cleared their throat before moving on into a new cheer. "U.G.L.Y. Kirk ain't got no alibi, Kirk's ugly, hey hey, Kirk's ugly. Wooo!"
While this was happening, Kirk was slowly setting a trap for Spock's king.
"K.I.N.G… you can't take my king from me!" Chekov cheered with a large smile on his cherubic face. Spock wised up and blocked his king from harm.
" Kirk's ugly," Sulu added. "Yeah yeah, Kirk's ugly. Wooo!"
"Ugly… not cute!" Chekov clarified, although it looked as if it pained him to say it. (Cause we all know how cute Jim Kirk is!)
"Vulcan spirit, Vulcan spirit!" Sulu shouted, twirling around practicing a karate chop. "You can do it, Mr. Spock! Vulcans RUUUUUULE!" Spock couldn't take it anymore. He whirled around and thundered,
"Will you two cease your distractions!" Sulu pretended not to hear the Vulcan.
"Oh my god, Pavel!" He grabbed Chekov's arm. "Guess who's here?!" Sulu exclaimed.
"Who?" The Russian wondered.
"Scotty!" Sulu enthused. Chekov tossed his head indignantly.
"Scotty, ugh, I'm really mad at him," the ensign scoffed. "Hello, Montgomery. What? Where were you?" He cupped his hand to his ear, as if he was trying to listen for a response only there was none. "I only had to watch "Bill Nye, the Science Guy" alone. Now I know who my real geek friends are.
"But I don't even watch 'Bill Nye, the Science Guy'," Scotty piped up.
"Ok, really?" Rolling his eyes, the Russian scoffed at the Chief Engineer. "Uh uh. Don't deny it. Right. Ok, I'll com you later." Chekov did a random kick followed by a perfect pirouette.
"Jim, can you ask them to stop?" Spock begged.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you over the sound of my thinking." Jim graced his Vulcan with a beatific smile. "Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Spock?"
"Nevermind," Spock grumbled.
"Oh look, Pav, there's Dr. McCoy!" Sulu exclaimed.
"Hi Dr. McCoy!" Pavel cried, waving at the doctor as if he just realized his presence.
"I've been here the whole time, dumb ass!" McCoy scowled.
"What, Leonard?" Sulu asked the scowling physician. "No. you can't use the flash in here. It disturbs the players, Doctor!" Rolling his eyes, the pilot elaborated. "Pavel, Dr. McCoy wants to take a picture of us." The doctor frowned.
"Why the hell would I want…" Then an evil smirk appeared on McCoy's face. "Yeah, that's right. I want a close up of you guys for tonight's ship-wide email."
"Oh noooo!" Chekov twittered, trying not to panic. "You just told me my curls are frizzy!"
"I know; I'm sorry," Sulu fretted. "I don't…" McCoy pulled a camera out of nowhere and it flashed, capturing the moment forever. Sulu was holding Chekov up high. The Russian had his arms outstretched, and his toes pointed.
"Ah, the joys of blackmail," McCoy grinned, manically rubbing his hands together.
"Spock, it's your move," Jim reminded the Vulcan, who'd been intently watching this exchange. Sukov immediately began to cheer again.
"Well you want a victory, well that makes you a strong man, cause one thing is for sure… you ain't no Zephram Cochran!" Spock groaned, and covered his ears as he tried to discern Kirk's strategy. So far it seemed random, but perhaps he was employing the use of the-
"Zephram Cochran, where is he? I don't know! I don't know!" They were at it again, and Spock's concentration was almost shot. He glanced up at the cheerleaders to find them pretending to look all around the room for Zephram Cochran. Illogical… "Zephram Cochran, where is he? I don't know! I don't know! Go ask your momma and make sure you listen, cause one thing is for sure - Zephram Cochran's missin'," they finished. That was the straw that broke the Vulcan's emotional threshold.
"No more yo momma jokes, or I nerve pinch you both!" Spock roared. "I mean it!"
"Fine," Sulu pouted. "Hey! Who's that Vulcan all filled with glee?" He asked, pointing at Pavel, who pointed to his pointed 'ears'.
"It's me! It's me!" Chekov cried. They repeated the cheer.
"Who's that Vulcan all filled with glee?"
"It's me! It's me!" In unison now, they yelled,
"Uh huh, uh huh. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh." In sync, they each did a back flips. "Other species!"
"Stop your blathering!" Spock yelled. "Are you completely insane? This is a chess match. It is supposed to be quiet." Jim just smirked, watching his Vulcan give an emotional response to a situation he ultimately created.
"Oh my god, it's him!" Chekov and Sulu stared at each other in mutual happiness. "Commander Spock! Hi!"
"Your knight and rook to level three combo was a killer move," Sulu confessed.
"Oh my god!" Chekov repeated, poking the Vulcan in the arm. "Spock, you're all over the board!"
"Would you please shut up?!" The Vulcan roared. "I know I am a science geek, and I have pointy ears, and that I have never been laid." Sukov and Jim gasped.
"Really?" Jim asked, trying not to sound too eager. Spock nodded in response.
"Spock, it's okay to explore your body!" Chekov insisted. "Young Russian boys hawe been doing it for years!"
"Safe sex is in your hands!" Sulu added. Together, they cheered,
"Sex can wait! Masturbate!"
"Be quiet!" Spock illogically growled. "You two are freaks! Do you know how far you have fallen when a Vulcan makes fun of you? You know, Pavel, I once dreamed of going out with you."
"Oh, Spock!" Pavel gushed. "Really?"
"No," said Spock. Jim gave him a high five, which the Vulcan reluctantly returned. Heh, Jim realized he'd had just gotten to Vulcan first base.
"Pavel?" Sulu cried, looking horrified at the mere suggestion. "Were you harboring a secret crush on the Vulcan?"
"Maybe." Chekov shrugged. "Ze Vulcan is wery sexy."
"Now I would not even consider it, Mr. Chekov." Spock smirked. "And Mr. Sulu, I am not certain but I believe I could best you in fencing."
"No!" Sulu gasped dramatically, clutching his arms to his chest. "Not my favorite sport EVAR!"
"Affirmative. Now quiet down, you underlings!" The Vulcan snarled.
"Oh Spo-ock, I'm waiiiiiiiiiting," Jim called in a sing-song voice.
"Oh fabulous, it is only my move," the Vulcan griped before returning to his seat opposite his captain once more.
"Oh my god!" Pavel squeaked to his partner-in-crime.
"Oh my god!" Sulu echoed, sounding insulted. "Spock is so mad. We were trying to be nice to him!"
"Oh, I know what he wants," Chekov realized. He turned to Sulu and the same look of glazed happiness reflected on his partner's eyes.
"THE PERFECT CHEER!" They cried together.
"Ready Pavel?"
"Ready, Hikaru. Let's do it!" Chekov bounced with excitement before they began their cheer.
"Oh Spockie you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Spockie!" They cheered, forming a kickline a la the old Terran Rockettes.
"Oh Spockie you're so pretty, can't you understand…"
"Enough!" Spock roared.
Dismayed by Spock's less than favorable reaction, Sukov stopped their cheer mid-sentence. The Vulcan stood up from his seat and stalked towards the cheerleaders, who weren't intimidated by him in the least (although they should've been, Vulcans can be scary bitches when they want to be.) "Why are you doing this?" Luckily, Jim had given Sukov a response to say just in case Spock asked this question. He didn't want them to spill that they were acting obnoxiously on his orders.
"Don't hate us 'cause we're beautiful, well we don't like you either. We're cheerleaders!" Sukov stubbornly replied.
"This is this most ludicrous, outlandish, illogical display of foolishness I've ever been privileged to witness!" Spock cried.
"Was that sarcasm?" Sulu wondered. "Uh oh, Pavel. Someone's not feeling very happy right now. Maybe we should-"
"Choke on my wrath," Spock interrupted, grabbing Chekov and Sulu by the neck, one in each hand. He effortlessly lifted them off the floor and they began to wheeze. "This game is over."
"It sure is," Kirk enthused. "Checkmate, Spock." Frowning, the Vulcan dropped Sukov and returned to the board. His captain was correct; he had no way of winning.
"Oh my god," Spock gasped. The Vulcan's jaw dropped. "You… you beat me!"
"That's right," Jim smirked at his First. Spock flushed green.
"But Captain, did you not know of the ancient Vulcan tradition?"
"Which one?" Bones muttered.
"Shh," Scotty whispered. "I want to hear this."
"If you beat another fairly in 3-D chess, you have to bond with them forever."
"What?" Kirk cried in delight. "I totally didn't know that at all and didn't orchestrate this whole charade for that purpose!"
"I never mentioned it because I never thought you'd beat me," Spock admitted. "But now you have. Oh, Jim!" Kirk's eyes filled with tears.
"Oh, Spock, I've been longing for his very moment."
"Me too!" Spock admitted. "Will you bond with me, James?" Kirk's reply was,
"Of course I will. Kiss me, you gorgeous Vulcan!"
"Not in front of the crew," Spock protested, but he was smiling. Jim pouted, sticking out his lower lip. "Oh, okay," Spock amended, brushing his fingers over Kirk's.
"Oh my God!" Uhura cried, being the only one to recognize a Vulcan kiss for what it was. "Spock's serious!"
"Seriously in love with you," the Vulcan purred in Kirk's ears.
"Right back at ya, Spock," said Jim with a wink. "We'll see you guys later," Kirk called out, dragging Spock out of the room with him. He waggled his eyebrows at Spock, who blushed. "We have some bonding to do."
End
A/N: Comments? Was it too crazy? Who's seen the Spartan Cheerleaders before? Did I do them justice?